Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I overcome this? Please help me.

grieving-man

As Salamu alaykum wr wb,

I am writing this with much hope that someone out there would understand me and not judge me for who I am.

There are posts like these here however I want to explain it my way. I am 27 years old male with homosexual urges. I have been dealing with this since years and it's making me weak on my knees. I did pray to Allah, cried a lot every time I pray asking Him to cure me as I do not feel alright living like this anymore.

Moreover, I am scared very scared. Sometimes I get scared for no reason. Even my health conditions does not remain good - I have vitamins deficiancy , I am already undergoing the treatment - because of which I m loosing my hair and lost most of them. I am low on confidence - I don't go and meet any friends, not even family, not stepping outside mostly at all. That leads me to more of an Isolation. I am very low on confidence and simply very sad to see my health going this way. Because of this deficiancy, or some other reason which I do not know, I get sick now and then and that stops me from being a better and a happy Muslim.

To keep myself busy, I exercise and go to the gym. Even there I dont perform really well may be cuz of the emotional weakness I have. I feel all of this is because I am gay. I am very weak and emotionally destablizing right now. I am not liking to stay here. I am the only son - I have to look after my old parents. They have been asking me to get married and soon that day would come.

I see other people's lives around me - it goes too good even though I know I deserve better than them. That dissapoints me even more. I thought Allah is on my side - till now there has been no response to my cries for help. I dont know where did I go wrong - I don't even know how to convince Him to come on my side and be with me and rescue me from all this. It really hurts me to see so many trials in my life - if I was supposed to be gay, Allah should not have given me a bad health - If I was supposed to be having bad health, HE should have atleast made me a healthy human. I feel so weak from inside and out and I do not know what to do.  I just don't like to live anymore and "how I wish I get disappear, get out of sight!" (Maryam RaziAllah anha in Quran)

Or atleast He would have given me a support - an elder brother who would have supported my Family. I have so many things to look after. I don't know what to do. I am scared to live, I am scared to get married, I am scared of this world.

Many of you would suggest to get married and this would be solved on its own - but how do I do it? You would not have a clue how would I feel from inside. It's so cold, so cold inside me. I am emotionally weaker from inside - who would listen to my heart when everyone would be rejoicing on the day - who would listen to my fears and understand what I go through - I sometimes get scared I would burst out or cry cuz of the feelings flowing in from inside.

I also understand some of you would say "your case is no different my brother, we have desires for women, you have desires for men, we are not supposed to act on them - simple. Just get married". No it's not that simple! It's not. It's an emotional trauma. I did not chose to be this way please. I would have killed myself if suicide was not haram. I have so so so much love inside me that I want to give. I have so so so much void inside me that I want to get filled by someone. No I don't want relationship with a man. I just want to be alone - just be alone and left alone. I don't know how do I do this. I can't even share my problems with my family.

I am sorry for the long post. There could be some of you who is pious enough and whose duas would be accepted. So please pray for me. Nobody would understand my struggle. It is very heavy inside. Please pray that Allah calm my heart and remove all illness and sources of illness from me, Ameen.

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20 Responses »

  1. Assalamo alaikum brother.

    I'd start by saying you are to be commended for not giving in to your urges, in an era where temptations are right, left and centre. May Allah always keep your Deen steadfast. I'd reassure you by saying if we humans were to be judged by Allah by whatever goes on in our head, most of us would be doomed to hellfire as murderers, perverts, thieves, liars, adulterers and so on. That is why Allah judges us on our actions, and then the intention behind the action. You would not be considered gay for having these thoughts, only if you act upon them, which, Masha Allah you haven't. From your post, it seems your conscience has been saving you from actually doing the deed, which could be Allah's answer to all your prayers..just think how much worse you would have felt if you actually performed a homosexual act. Thank Allah from saving you from actually falling into the pit of sin.

    I empathize with you on both the vitamin deficiency, and the lack of self esteem and shyness you suffer from..I've been through both. Insha Allah proper treatment of this deficiency through multivitamins, proper balanced meals, good exercise, and proper exposure to sunlight will make you feel much better in a short while. As vitamin deficiency has a close association with depression, it will insha Allah also improve your frame of mind.

    I understand what you are talking about when you say you feel too scared to live. The world can be a very scary place to live in, and at every step people will laugh at, and try to take advantage of people they percieve to be shy, or hesitant to take a stand for themselves, calling them 'simple'. I also understand what it feels like, when you feel the expectations of the people around you, particularly your near and dear ones, weighing so heavily on you, and you just don't know if you would be able to live up to them. In your case, I guess it would be terrifying for an underconfident and shy guy to try and make his mark professionaly in a very competitive world, inorder to support himself and his parents or to make a marriage work, when you don't know if you would be able to make your would be wife happy. I've been through that phase too when I felt all I wanted was to be alone..for me to vanish..for me to stop feeling anything at all, simply because the mental anguish was too unbearable.

    Brother, as far as your fears of marriage are concerned, firstly, I'd advise you to pray with all your heart for a good, wise, warm and understanding spouse. Then, I'd ask you to be wise in your selection of a spouse.. it would be wise to choose a lady of good family, education and character. You could meet with her in a chaperoned way, before marriage and you could talk and judge for yourself if your views and goals are compatible or not.Then, I'd remind you that as a guy, you will set the tone for your marital life. It is up to you, you can make your wife's life a bed of roses or ruin it. your wife would be even more scared than you, of the future, since often this society is harsher on women through marriage.If you from the first day, show affection towards your wife, fulfill your duties towards her, try and become her friend, forgive her her faults and weaknesses, and be faithful to her, then most probably she will reciprocate by loving you with all her heart, being a true friend and helpmeet to you and helping you in all your ups and downs of life. As for physical intimacy, I think intimacy is directly connected with the mind. When insha Allah you will develop a good understanding with your wife, you will naturally want to share every bit of yourself with her, and vice versa..and hopefully insha Allah it will be the downfall of your current urges. That is the beauty of true marriage. You don't have to rush things. You could tell her you would like some time to get to know each other before getting intimate. (Just try not to drag it too long). Masha Allah judging from your post, you sound like a well educated, soft spoken, sensitive, loving sort of person, if this is true, I think your wife would be lucky, and if she has any sense, you will have an awesome marriage, and all the love you want to give will be going to its proper halal recipient.

    • walaikom as salam wr wb brother.

      Thank you, jazakAllah for your detailed response. There are other people who responded too, so I will be responding to them as well, if you have anything to say, you may.

      Thank you so much for understanding and for a detailed post. It feels ok to know there are at times we all feel like getting vanished, being left alone - cuz of the state of mind we at times go through. Thank you for your advises on my marriage, about praying for a better spouse, about setting the tone up, about being faithful and lovable to my spouse and I assure you - I can do that all inshaAllah. The only problem I am concerned is what about me - I don't see this world to be reciprocating in the same way to kindness and love. Indeed, you are correct about the condition and thoughts about women our society has, however, its advancing day after day and I at times feel like, I am getting even more weaker than a woman.

      Apart from vitamin deficiancy, I am on depression medications right now and so was away for a while, hence late in checking my post again. Most of my life went in getting scared, living in isolations and when I decided to grow and work on my weaknesses, my health does not support me. However, i have kept a mental note of every advise you have given here and inshaAllah, ill be true to it. Ill keep praying to Allah to solve my problem and answer me soon as HE can. I don't have any patience left now, i am sorry Allah 🙁 I'm just.. it's all messed up for me. It's a very very bad and guilt feeling to know what we are .. and when people around you keep a lot of expectations from you, it sinks you even more.

      Do you also know what is an ahkam for person to pray daily 5 prayers if he has any health issue? I started getting urine problem as well (drops that come out now and then) and im unable to pray - whenever i make up my mind and get ready for it, i had to drop the idea because of this condition and then i get no energy to stand infront of Allah being unclean. Can I still pray by doing wudhu again? Im not sure.

      There is so much happening and I have no clue which thing to catch and which thing to concentrate on. Please remember me in your duas. jazakAllahu khayr, ameen to your dua's and take care.

  2. sorry dia brother i think u are not happy coz u don't wanna be happy start being happy for example start by doing your hobbies and enjoy while doing them. and about being scared just seek Allah's guidence and repatence. and about the gay thing i don't think dats is true and is among us humans remember u can be what you wanna be. u can be scared if u wanna be scared but also u can be brave if u wanna be that it all resides in your mind.

  3. OP: I am 27 years old male with homosexual urges. I have been dealing with this since years and it's making me weak on my knees........ I have vitamins deficiency ............ I am low on confidence - I don't go and meet any friends, not even family, not stepping outside mostly at all......... . Because of this deficiency, or some other reason which...........To keep myself busy, I exercise and go to the gym. Even there I don't perform really well may be cuz of the emotional weakness I have. I feel all of this is because I am gay. I am very weak and emotionally destabilizing right now.

    Are you attracted towards women sexually? If you don't have any sexual desire for women, I think you should let the woman who is willing to marry you know about this.
    What is your first sexual memory?
    Were you sexually molested by men when you were young?
    Vitamin or hormonal deficiencies can be treated easily.

    • No, m not attracted towards women sexually.
      Yes, I was molested by men when I was young and since my childhood I have been living in isolation and confusion. (Allah forgive if this is not ok to be shared)

      • Ahm3d: No, m not attracted towards women sexually.
        Yes, I was molested by men when I was young and since my childhood I have been living in isolation and confusion. (Allah forgive if this is not ok to be shared)

        It is a hidden shame, more boys than girls get raped in some Muslim countries. Bachha Bazi is common in some parts of Afghanistan and Pakistan. It is more or less acceptable as normal and involves adults having sex with boys. just google and read more about Baccha BazI. I just googled this and found this article : 'Afghanistan's 'Widespread, Culturally Sanctioned Form Of Male Rape'. The sad thing is even when people hear cries of a boy getting raped, no on tries to save him. Even American troops have not tried to save little boys because they have been told to ignore as "this is a cultural practice". This should not be happening in 2015.

        I mentioned this Bachha Bazi to make a point, I am sure most of these men who are involved in Bachha Bazi also are married. So that indicates some men can have sex with both men and women. OP should keep that in mind.

        You don't have to live in isolation, no one can tell about your sexual desires by just looking it you.

        • yes I am aware of it. I am from India though.

          "You don't have to live in isolation, no one can tell about your sexual desires by just looking it you."

          ^ This is so true!! thanks.

  4. Dear brother
    The above advice from mystic is so true and as I read his statement I truly believe his spot on.His provided you with so much information giving you good guidance and reassurance, may you take his advice on board.
    I do believe that our thoughts can can lead us astray if we act upon them.
    However, we all blessed with a beautiful religion and our love for Allah stops us from doing all wrong, I myself live this life trying my best to follow Islam, many times in the past I have thought wrong but never acted upon anything which would make this two day life an every lasting pain for the eternal life hereafter!

    This life is nothing but a test so many hurdles to cross. May Allah swt guide us all and not let our inner thoughts take over Ameen. Dear brother you should marry soon as all insha Allah will fall into place, May Allah swt give you a happy, good, loving,caring beautiful and respectable wife,who loves and adores you and vice versa, Ameen.
    I think you feel lonely and need a companion who you are able to share your life with, so ask your parents to find you someone who you like and can relate to.There is also a Muslim marriage services available where one can find a match, so many decent educated people who want to find the right partner are available through this site.
    You seem a good well natured, educated person who is a bit shy and lost in life and just needs the right advice and directions to follow. Maybe being the only boy in the family is or has been hard and left you a bit confused, plus when one is single they start to think more, you need to be out there try and get a job or something where you can make friends and have a bit of social life, being alone doesn't help.
    I pray that life brings you happiness and a beautiful wife who you can share your life with, Ameen.

    • Thank you so much for your advise and dua, ameen to that. I do not yet, have that confidence to be able to have a successful marriage - not because I wont be able to fulfill my duties towards her because of society and people around as it's not about just marriage it's about offspring, family and those expectations people around us keep from us and keep reminding us. I am just afraid.

      Guess this too, shall pass one day and eventually - I don't know what is there next however I do hope best from Allah.

      I am on a job, I was just getting isolated cuz of this bad state of mind that comes out of no where as a trigger and all these thoughts just come in a flow.

      Thank You.

  5. Bro how ever hard it is just try and not give in the mre u give in the mre u will go on road of these harm of wrong attraction....
    Try and stay away and when u sin make istighfaar

    • Inshallah if u stay away from it and focus on love with a women . .I dnt seee why a women cnt satisfy u . Ur need of sexual things...
      Running kissing etc . With a women ...

      Like
      Think love is caring some u care fr and u must have history where gay sex happnes with u thts why it's devil is still in ur system reminding u etc but have to fight dnt give in ....inshallah there light at end of the tunnel

  6. Walaikum Salaam warahmatillah WaBarakah'tu,

    Brother...My sincere advice and suspicion is you are NOT GAY-though you may legitimately think you are. As Muslims we shy away (or at least pretend to shy away) from sexuality, but in truth, it is a very fluid thing. The command from Allah azawajal to lower our gaze does not only apply to the opposite gender, but the same gender as well. Do you currently, or have you ever watched gay porn before? I hope you realize that porn can and will change your sexuality because it is linked to your dopamine receptors in you brain signaling pleasure. SubhahanAllah, it is near the area where you also sense guilt in your brain. As brother/sister SVS stated above, did you ever get molested or were involved in a sexual situation with the same gender...that can leave psychological (and physical scars astagfirullah:( that you never knew existed. Your brain could have even blocked the memory of the incident(s) and only now you "feel" this depression and bewildering confusion on being a homosexual.

    My point being, Allah SWT does not burden you with something you cannot bear-Aside from people who are born with disabilities (which truly is a big test and mercy from Allah=a likely ticket to Jannah if they only realize!), those of us who are in failing health often are tested this way by Allah Most High to see if we are still grateful for the blessings He has given us. It may appear that we have it bad, but when you think of the state of our Ummah in Syria, Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Yemen, etc...and how Allah is testing them with death and destruction of pretty much all aspects of their lives...this disease/ailment that we are dealing with is much more tolerable...and likely a means to remove/expiate sins if we only say Alhamdullilah!

    Build your imaan, READ/Iqra the Qur'an in whatever language you are most comfortable with. The holy Qur'an is a book revealed in Arabi as Allah said multiple times but until you master learning it (Insha'Allah) you should make it your goal to read and follow what it says, and that begins after you UNDERSTAND it. Honestly, Alhamdullilah, it addresses everything you may have a question about, and in your case about homosexuality...Why do you think that He has repeated the story of prophet Lut so many times in the Qur'an? My guess is that He knew that this ummah would be tested with this sin in the future,; which is totally true, and Allah SWT knows best!

    Stay away from PORN. The things you see, particularly the disgusting stuff gay actors glorify, is not as it appears. There is a purpose for everything on our body, and as im sure you know from biology that shape determines function. The anus is NOT meant to be penetrated.

    I wouldn't have responded to this post if I did not sincerely love you for Allah, as a Muslim should, so note that I am in no position to judge...especially since we ALL have a book we will have to read on the day of judgment. Keep yourself pure brother, have faith and trust=sincere tawakul in Ar-Rahman...this test will pass, and one day you will reflect on the mercy of Allah when you are an amazing father and husband to your loving wife, Insha'Allah:)

  7. "this test will pass, and one day you will reflect on the mercy of Allah when you are an amazing father and husband to your loving wife, Insha'Allah:)"

    I bursted into tears on reading this line. jazakAllahu khayr inshaAllah.

    Yes I was molested when young. I have wrote few other replies to people above describing in words about my situation. I am trying my best to stay connected to Allah subhan. Yes, the analogies you presented that makes a lot of sense.. alhumdulillah for everything.

    Thank you for your response. I have made a note of what you have said.

    • No, it is a Mercy from Allah azawajal that I could speak (type?) coherently to make a difference somehow and help your situation, so please pray for me too brother as I am going through various issues in life as well as sins I need to clean myself from. All good that I said was from Him and all bad was from me:)

      With regards to your health, and particularly your mental-state, you are living in the BEST place for treatment! Have you not heard of Ashwaghanda and Brahmi brother? These are adaptogenic herbs (healing plants that "fix" and help balance what is deficient), and could really help ease your mind to think clearly. I used them when I was going through a particularly tough time in my life, and they helped me feel energized-I didn't feel like I had adrenal fatigue anymore/kidney imbalances! And no, they are not dangerous if you use it appropriately- I just made tea from Brahmi (a pinch of the leaves will do) and drank it throughout the day, and for ashwagandha I heard it's best to drink in a powdered form with milk and jaggary (rock sugar?). Insha'Allah, these two herbs will make you feel better, and will at least bring your body to a healthy mental state where you can rationally and islamically reflect on this issue. And honestly brother, I feel soooooooo sad that our boys (and girls!) in our Ummah are dealing with molestation at young ages...It sickens me, that people will go practice their immorality and shamelessness with a CHILD or Teenager (which is still a technically a child until they get married). I don't know how to console you brother, but I just want you to know that even though this ordeal has happened (presumably with people supposedly "close" to you), I want you to know that Insha'Allah you will pass this test if you keep Allah on your side. Do not fall into temptation from shaytan and your qareen telling you-rather "reminding" you- that "you are not pure anymore" or "that incident kind of felt good" or other terrible and FAKE emotions that you may be "feeling" to lead you to think you are gay. You are NOT. Yes, sexuality is a very complex subject, and as Muslims it is our duty to protect the sanctity of our sexuality even though our environments (and unfortunate/terrible things like molestation/rape) affect us.

      Remember, Allah SWT does NOT burden us with something we cannot bear. Indeed, you will be rewarded for your patience, though you despise it:) Alright my brother, take care and please reflect on what I said! I meant it when I said you will become a wonderful father and husband one day, Insha'Allah. Just work on building your iman and health. The past already happened-you can't change what occurred. You can, however, very much influence your future with the present...you are in control of your attitude.

      I will leave you with my favorite quote:
      Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end. It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
      So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
      What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave. What will matter is not your success but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
      What will matter is not your competence but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone. What will matter is not your memories but the memories of those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
      Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters

      And as a Muslim, choosing to live a life that matters begins and ends with worshipping Allah. Our goal and purpose in life was and is never going to be the Dunyah...but rather the Akhira, particularly Jannatul Firdous!!!

      Salamualaikum warahmatillahe wa barakahtu
      -Ibrahim

      • walaikom as salam wr wb Ibrahim.
        jazakAllahu khayr for your time and patience with me. Thank you so much for your words of comfort. I pray that Allah forgive you too for your sins and keep you in His protection. You have done your best to comfort me with your words and I pray that Allah comfort you too, just in a way and better than how you have made me feel after reading your reply.

        Ameen to all your duas. I have heard of the herbs you are talking about yes. I'll check them out. My mental state is better by now - possibly because I have stopped myself from thinkingabout stuff for a while. But at times, it again triggers - sexuality, health, future - all this matters right. Anyways yes I am not sure - sexuality is indeed very complex. It breaks my heart to see myself at this stage. Anyways, with your prayers and my efforts, I'll hopefully win over this inshaAllah. Thats so true - Allah doesnt test us more than we can bear. I am waiting for the day when I will seriously take a sigh of relief from what I am going through. I sometimes wish I get "healed" - like we read in the news about how people who were blind, get their sight by the will of Allah anytime during their Hajj or Umrah - or anyone who was unable to walk while they have come and they left the House of Allah walking. :'( I sometimes wish I one day wake up and find myself compeltely healed 🙁 May be their level of Imaan was so good and high but I still expect all goodness from my Lord.

        JazakAllahu khayr again for your time, words, comfort and duas.

  8. Brothe, this is a test from Allah. To me it sound like you have black magic done on you or your pusses with a jinn. Get ruqya done as soon as possible. Be careful who you get it done by because they can be a magician, may Allah make it easy. Shaitan love when we isolated out selfs to destroy us more. May Allah make it easy for you Ameen, I will make dua for you my brother. Your my Muslim brother so you not alone I will make dua for you inshallah. Get so help my brother

  9. Ahm3d my brother, I don't know if you will read this as your post is from last year, but I want you to understand that you are not alone in this situation. There are so many of us struggling and trying to cope.

    Cheer up! This life is a brief moment, it is not perfect, and nobody is 100% happy in it. You see people around you who are seemingly content but you don't know what they're going through internally. Everyone has a challenge. Yours is this, so accept it and live with it. It is ok.

    I'm not going to give you a religious answer even though I think it is important to remember the words of god and his promise swt that he will grant whoever relies on him infinite mercy. Do not despair, there is always a way out.

    I was sexually molested for four years as a child and teenager, rejected by my male peers and estranged from my father and older brothers. This depsite living in a pious muslim family. I'm not saying these are necessarily the causes of my same-sex attraction but they definitely did put me on that path. I have always felt that I was not treated as equal to other boys and that depressed me a lot.

    As I advanced in age, however, my ideas and attitude started to shift. At some point, perhaps around your mid or late thirties Allah only knows, you will realise that you see things more clearly and you can control your urges rather than let them control you. God will find a way for you, be it marriage (I know you're rolling your eyes, but Allah can do anything!), or a single but fulfilled life, or any other possible situation. God will find a way out for you and you will be satisfied and thankful.

    So don't be depressed. There is nothing to be sad about and what happened in the past happened, finished, so accept it as fact and look forward to the future. And remember that everything is temporary and nothing lasts forever.

    Sending all my brotherly love your way and praying that Allah lightens your path. Ameen 🙂

  10. You should give it a try please

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