How do I remain at peace with my abusive brother?
Assalamakium,
I am 15 years old and my 20 year old brother is very abusive. My mother already had to leave my dad when I was four because of all the misery he caused her, yet my brother wasn't raised any different.
I pity all those males out there who claim to be Muslims, yet torment their mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters. My brother always picks on me. He asks me a question and keeps asking me to force me to answer it... and I don't. I don't want to feel like I'm anyone's doormat, so if I don't want to do something of his, I don't. The reason he really hates me right now is because a few months ago, I was with him just practicing for a sport, and he told me his girlfriend (who is Muslim) would be there. So I didn't feel comfortable in any way at all being around the two of them at once so I simply walked home without talking to either of them. He didn't get home until an hour later. Then he kept questioning me why I dislike his girlfriend. That was not my problem. My problem was their secretive haram relationship. Unlike my mom, I was quick on figuring out where he was actually going when he said he went for practice. I figured it out months before this incident.
Then after that incident with his girlfriend, he would constantly hit me day after day. One day I was washing the dishes and notices he wasted some food, so I called him out and said that anyone who wastes food is stupid. And he hit me and threw a chair at me and all. I even Snapchatted (texted) his girlfriend about it and she promised me he wouldn't hit me again. Then three weeks later, same incident. I talked to her again and said he broke his promise and how he's no good for her too since he'll abuse her like that as well. And she says that I should tell him since he doesn't even listen to her. They actually have a very unstable relationship. I know this by looking at his Instagram bio from time to time. They date for three days, break up, etc.
Then late May, almost two months after the situation with his girlfriend, another fight happened (there's been too many to count). This time, my mom picked me up from school and when we came home, my brother was no where to be found. We even kept calling him and he came about an hour later. My mom waited outside because she grew suspicious of who he was with, and she never saw the car. His girlfriend dropped him off on the other side of the house where I was telling my mom to stand earlier. Then my mom questioned him, he said he was playing basketball with two friends, when she asked for their numbers to confirm, he said they didn't have a phone which was an obvious lie. He was so red and very paranoid because he felt that he would be caught. So me being sick and tired of his games, I told my mom that he had a girlfriend and then he says "Just because I talk to a girl doesn't mean I'm with her". He kept denying this fact and even called me a liar. My mom knew it was the truth. She just deals with so much nonsense and she knows that she can't control him as he's already broken enough trust, so she doesn't care much. She even said that I'm always picking fights, which I'm not. I was simply speaking the truth. And I told her everything and about the incident when I didn't want to see them together. Later on that day, when we were eating, he snatches my glasses off and I record a Snapchat of him rubbing them on his butt (how unsophisticated). I sent that Snapchat to his girlfriend only and she quickly backfires and mocks me about everything and says "Why don't you go tell your mom like you did earlier about him having a girlfriend?" and I said well because she wouldn't care. And soon enough she keeps mocking me (she's 19) and out of NOWHERE she mentions how I don't even read namaz. Out of nowhere. I mean who is she to tell me that I do or don't read namaz? She hasn't stepped a foot into my house and she completely misjudges me. I felt very offended by that because I pray regularly, alhumdullilah. She also tried telling me to go do my homework which I found ridiculous and go win a math contest (I honestly suck at math and she hardly knows me...). There were supposed to be offensive, but this came off as plain idiotic considering I'm not much younger than her.
Anyways, back to my brother, he kept picking on me and still does. My mom always says that it's my fault and that I should ignore him. The thing is, that I do ignore him. However, if I don't answer him, he hits me which leads me to crying which leads me to getting blamed on. He's so narcissistic. He always asks my sister or I how his hair, beard, or his clothes look. He tries way too hard to fit in. He has a beard because it's a trend, not for religious reasons...
Anyways,
So today, my brother puked after mocking me as usual at iftar. I told him to clean it up and he says that I have to do it, but I didn't want to. Why should I? He's not ill. I had to clean the table (after eating) so I was simply going to tell him to clean it. And then ten minutes go by and I call my mom and tell her that he was hitting me a lot. And he hit me so hard that the phone shut off and then I called my mom once I was able to lock myself inside of my bathroom. I was sobbing so much and she, as usual, blames me telling me that I should've left the vomit. It was not my fault at all. In our last few arguments, I told him that he is abusing me and that goes against the Qur'an and I also said how he should probably read namaz and the Qur'an so he can learn. This was a few days ago during sehri when I couldn't even eat much afterwards because of all the stress. Today I said the same thing and said how it's sad how he's doing all this when shaytaan is locked up and he laughed. He LAUGHED!! There is nothing funny about the fact that he has such awful haram habits. And now I've been locked inside of my room for an hour writing this. Alhumdulliah, that I pray all five times and dedicate time in reading the holy book. I just always pray for him and pray for hate to go away from all of our hearts. I don't know how much longer I'll be dealing with this. I'm planning on In shaa Allah moving out for university when I'm 18 and graduate high school. In shaa Allah. I just wish that Allah SWT can guide him soon! I don't want my sister to deal with this nonsense!
Finally, I just want to mention how I was abused by him earlier in my years from when I was 6. Our mom would leave us alone on weekends while she worked. I despised every second of being with him. He would hit me out of NOWHERE. I was just a little 6 year old girl. What was the worst I could do to him??!? I remember waking up early enough one day before my mom left for work an I was crying so hard. I told her to take me with her or to stay home (can't remember) and she was laughing and confused. I never told her about the early abuse years from my brother- to this day. I was just so scared and now it's just an everyday thing. My dad physically abused me when I was lived with him until I was four. Then my brother's abuse. Then my mom's physical, especially mental abuse when I was 10. And now my mom's not able to understand and all is coming back.I've just felt so downgraded my entire life from everyone.
I didn't mention how we were very great friends before the girlfriend incident. Shaytaan just lead to a chain of haram events starting from his girlfriend. It's almost been three months and I just honestly need some advice to stay at peace and how to handle my brother's abuse and my mom's perspective on this. I know that In shaa Allah, one day, this will all be over.
Jazakallah khair. May Allah bless you all.
amenam
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Assalam o alaikum... dear sister don't worry ,have faith in Allah (swt) and the best you can do is pray for ur brother n dnt pay heed to any of his mischevious things ...may Allah solve all ur problems...ameen
Assalaamu Alaykum,
I'm not sure how you can say you were 'great friends' with your brother, but yet describe him as being physically abusive and hitting you since childhood during your visits with him. That is a contradiction.
Through most of the post I was wondering why your mom would be ok with your brother treating you like this, then at last you mentioned that even she has been abusive toward you. It sounds like you haven't been able to escape it from any of the three of them (father, mother, brother). And if they are all physically hurting you like that, no it's not your fault. There is no reason to physically attack someone no matter what type of stressful situation might be going on.
Since you are 15, this is still considered child abuse. I would suggest you file a report with child protective services yourself. You need to feel safe, and your mother is not protecting you. I know that may not be the answer you wanted, but you can't take a passive approach and expect things to change significantly or favorably.
People who are abusive have abnormal mindsets and perceptions. They don't reason like most people reason. You can't understand things from your mom's perspective without enabling yourself to condone the abuse altogether. She is not seeing it properly, so for you to see it from her improper perception is not going to help you find the peace you need. In addition, your brother has obviously been raised to be violent and has already demonstrated a substantial track record with that. The issue with his girlfriend is not a cause, it's a trigger. And her going away is not going to be a solution, it's only going to make him find another trigger or excuse to continue harming you.
So reaching out to an outside support is the only viable way out of this dynamic. It really is best to involve the authorities at your age, but if you can't see yourself doing that, then even going to another relative you feel safe with and who won't send you back home can help. Yes, I understand that's going to create a bunch of problems at home with your mom and brother, but you have to weigh that against your own right to feel safe and be treated with respect and care. Ultimately it's more important that you get what you need than they get what they want.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Sister.
The advice Sister Amy gave is really good and you should take the means to avoid your brother that she has outlined. In the meantime, I suggest you get pepper spray or some sort of defensive mechanism that you can use to ward of your brother. This is important because one day your brother might escalate from occasionally hitting to you to severe abuse leading to permanent physical and emotional damage, and even death. From your post, I also get the impression that your mother does not want to deal with this issue and she is using you as a scapegoat for all the trouble. Given this, she may ignore abuse your brother may inflict on your younger sibling as well, so make sure that when you find a new place, take your little sister with you. You have bravely and patiently dealt with this situation for which Allah (SWT) will reward you. Follow Sister Amy's advice and hang in there and make intense dua as the dua of a wronged person is heard.
May Allah (SWT) protect you and guide your through this difficult time. Ameen.
iqbal
Assalamo alaikum, little sis.
Ever since I could remember, and especially when I was a teenager, the biggest thorn in my side was my brother (he's 5 years older than me too). He used to tease me constantly and so mercilessly, (and hit me occasionally too, when my parents weren't looking) that every other day I used to be in tears, and felt myself the most miserable creature on God's earth. Very often, he used to goad me to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and I used to hurl myself at him and we used to have the most awful wrestling matches, literally like two cats fighting in an alley.( Not a memory I'm very proud of) The fight was usually broken up by my mom, who used to send us both to our respective rooms, accompanied by slaps and some not very elegant choice of vocabulary. Sometimes he would get the blame for not acting like an elder brother, other times I would be blamed, for picking fights and my mother would demand why I couldn't just ignore him, just like you described. I would lock my self up in my room and refuse food and drink and feel myself to be in a special form of Hell.
After reading your post carefully 2-3 times, it occured to me that at that time, if I had thought of sharing my feelings here or on any other forum via writing, my post would have sounded very much like yours. At that moment, I used to feel nothing good had ever come out of my brother.His smallest habits used to look vile to me.I also felt that I was being badly misused and illtreated by my mom. For me, it was never my fault so why was I the one being blamed?
Now, however, looking back on those memories, I chuckle.Because my brother, amidst all the emotional anguish he caused me, was also the one who fed me from his own hands when I was upset about my O'Levels result..he was the one who used to drop me to the door of my tuition centre and wait hours till I was done, he was the one who used to take to task ever bully who ever bullied me in school, I even heard him mutter once 'No one bullies my sister, except me' 🙂 He was the one who sternly instructed my husband at my wedding last year to take care of me, and he's the one who is the most excited now that he's about to become an uncle, insha Allah.
ummm, I edited my comment, it was a lot longer than this :p could you please post the complete version?I'm sure this much is no use to the OP
actually i also totally agree with you
my brother hits me so much and so hard that i cry out loud but no one listens as everybody thinks that both of us were fighting but its not that both of us were fighting he was the one who hit ... he is so jealous frm me and iam thirteen my mom pays no attention towards me and him... she is just normal howmuch hard he hits me ... i dont even wanna call him my bro i hate him more than anythingelse ....... my mom does the same with me but i can bear my mom not my bro .,. waht should i do ..... he does the same everytime but no one pays attention i want to get out of this mess.. he is so fat and huge and is two years younger than me he abuses me so much ... pleas e help
Nice read .Congratulation for mother hood on the way .
Thanks but the nice read was just the warm up to the main comment, i don't get why it didn't get saved :p I'll post the whole thing again when I have time.
* (continuation of previous post) So why am I telling you all this? I could be very wrong here, but after reading your post, I got the vibe that your brother is being more of an exceedingly annoying prat, rather than a chronic abuser. Definitely, no doubt , no sibling should ever hit their sibling in any way, he should be severely reprimanded to say the very least, and the fact that he threw a chair at you does sound very suspicious.But sis, it would be wise if you sat down and analysed with a calm and clear mind, if his behaviour is a phase, as you mentioned you were great friends till a few months back. Mind you, sis, if you think he has been chronically abusive all your life and his behaviour is getting increasingly dangerous, then that would be counted as criminal behaviour and the best thing to do would be to follow Sr Amy's advice. If you think his behaviour is just exceedingly annoying, the thing to do is to ignore him, and be the bigger person. Just walk out of the room if he gets verbally or physically violent. Maturity on your part would lead to maturity on his part as well, insha Allah.
There is absolutely no justification for his hitting you, of course, but in the event that you decide he is just being exceedingly annoying, it might be wise if you reflected on your own behaviour with him, how you could have handled things better in order to improve your future relationship with him.It's commendable that you are clear about the concept of haraam and halal, but telling your mother about his girlfriend and sending his girlfriend snapshots of him annoying you, and thus involving her as a third party in your relationship with your bro, seemed rather immature and tattle talish behaviour to me, on your part. If you were bothered about him indulging in haram, a better way would have been to talk to him about it in a calm manner, so he would be better inclined to listen to you. Think about it, wouldn't you be annoyed if your little sis caught you doing something and blabbed on you to your mom?
I hope things work out well between you and him, and you both go back to being great friends with him, insha Allah!
Dear, sister
Asalamu alaykum
as you may have guessed I am one of your brothers in Islam.
Bismillah (in the name of Allah the most kind the mercifull)
I would like to begin by talking about my situation just a 2/ 3 years ago ... I was in the same situation like your brother and got into lots of arguments with my sisters which often lead to fights.
I was unwilling to hold myself back.
however, that all changed slowly due to a couple of VERY IMPORTANT THINGS.:you see my dad was overseas and their was no MAN to keep me in check
but that all changed when my Uncles decided to start Quran classes in my house and I also had a Quran teacher.
My Moalim (Quran teacher) had very traditional Islamic views and did not tolerate any fighting with my sisters and would punish me if I did.
Secondly, the more weeks went by I started learning more of the meaning of the Quran and became more mature...
I started to see my self objectively, and SAW HOW POINTLESS it was for me to fight my sisters...
one thing I remember fondly was my mum saying "go and fighting the boys at school instead of your sisters"
VIOLENCE:
Sister, when your brother is attacking you look him in the eye and tell him to FEAR ALLAH, he will punished by Allah and say Laillahaillah, tell him "THOSE WHO OPRESS OTHERS WILL NOT GO TO HELL BUT ALSO BE COVERED IN A LAYER OF DARKNESS SO THEY CANNOT EVEN SEE THEIR HAND IN FRONT OF THEM ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT AND THEIR SIGHT WILL BE GIVEN BACK TO THEM WHEN THEY ARE THROWN INTO THE HELLFIRE SO THEY FEEL FEAR AND SEE THEIR PUNISHMENT".
GIRLFRIEND ISSUE:
I never have or had a girlfriend , your brother is committing a grave sin and it will only Lead to ZINA fornification... I suggest you to tell him that "IF HE LOVES HER HE WILL MARRY HER"
secondly this girlfriend does not PRAY NOR DOES YOUR BROTHER,
HELP HIM: encourage him to pray and fear Allah because praying your Salah five times a day protects you from doing evil things.
tell him to read surah IKHLAS, FALAQ AND NAS 3 times every day in the morning and evening.
as well as surah Fatah 4 times
Assalaam u alaykum when I read this story wallahi I cried I never before in my life cried from a video or story or anything that I did not see happen but I cried because of how much I can relate I am 15 my dad is in Canada and I live with my mother and abusive brother and my mom ignores everything I say about him and I live almost the same life as you do inshallah we both can over come this with the help of Allah (swt)
If he's being physically abusive call the police, and remember you let people know how to treat you, so when he's treating you bad stand up for yourself. Islam is and was never about crying and praying without taking action. I'm afraid that you have to take action. If he calls you names and picks on you tell him " listen, brother. Do not treat me disrespectfully or else I will never respect you back." and just move on, and block him out. If he get's physically abusive you have all the right to defend yourself and you can just seek help from someone with authority over him, like you're parents, your uncle and if you have no family supporting you I'm afraid that you must call the police. ( That's just my opinion, I don't know if it 100% accurate, but effective for your mental health, best of wishes)