Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I repent?

I'm 25 and I had premarital sex with my boyfriend during ramadan.  Im a Christian and I want to repent.

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  1. Selam Editors,

    Apologies as I am posting my query here, I am aware it's not the right place. Sorry.

    I posted a question in June, I believe. When do you reckon it will be answered by?

    It's because I may be getting married soon, and I would appreciate some genuine advice from genuine people. And a different perspective of the situation that I may not have considered..before I take any further steps.

    I understand my question does not have priority over others, but I'm just enquiring for my own knowledge.

    Ma Asalaama
    X

  2. Selam Editors,

    Sorry, I'm not posting this question in the right place. Apologies.

    I posted a question in June/ early July. Probably June.

    I may be getting married soon, so I sought advice. I need genuine advice from genuine people, perhaps offering a different perspective to view the situation, which I may not not have considered.

    Could you give me a rough estimate as to when you think my question may be answered? I was assuming that it probably will be posted by now.

    I also can't log into the website, because the login page is static, and there is no box to add login info. So I can't check where my question is in the queue.

    So if you could either send me a link that properly works to see the question queue or email me in regards. Thanks

    • I could help if you post it here : )

      • Barakallah,

        But I have put a lot of detail in the post, which I couldn't possibly repeat as I don't have the time.

        I don't normally seek advice online from people I don't know. But sometimes, having fresh eyes view the situation can offer a lot.
        I'm in a need - and I don't want to make a mistake of marrying the wrong man! And I also want you guys to tell me whether I'm overthinking.

        Thank you for the offer. If I do find the time, I'll try to post my problem here- if editors allow. Time is of the essence.

        X

        • Don't worry about the editor, sister. You write your question here and I'll answer it as quickly as I can, okay?

          • Thank you for your offer, May Allah bless you for your promptness in wanting to assist me.
            But I'll wait 2 weeks, inshallah. I don't wish to overtake this person's post with my problems.

            Allah bless you
            X

        • Ruby ,

          I remember like some where you have mentioned about your issue of falling in love with married man(Lawyer) in your office but were able to successfully stop it to avoid breaking other woman's house .
          I think lot of members have replied to that . I hope my memory is good here .:)

        • Well, I found it too.

          Mashallah, I know you know this, but I'm just reiterating and I'm also wondering what your current worry would be.

          So, the basic principle is that a woman should remain at home, and not go out except for necessary purposes. Allaah says in the Quran: “And stay in your houses, and do not display yourselves like that of the times of ignorance” (Al-Ahzaab 33:33).

          Although this is addressed to the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), it also applies to the believing women. It is only addressed to the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) because of their honour and status with the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and because they are examples for the believing women.

          Secondly:

          It is permissible for a woman to go out of her house for work, but that is subject to certain conditions. If they are met, it is permissible for her to go out. They are:

          - That she needs to work in order to acquire the money she needs..

          - The work should be suited to the nature of woman, such as medicine, nursing, teaching, and so on.

          - The work should be in a place that is only for women, and there should be no mixing with non-mahram men.

          - Whilst at work she should observe complete shar’i hijab.

          - Her work should not lead to her travelling without a mahram.

          - Her going out to work should not involve committing any haraam action, such as being alone with a non-mahram, or wearing perfume where non-mahrams can smell it.

          - That should not lead to her neglecting things that are more essential for her, such as looking after her house, husband and children.

          Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen said: The field in which a woman works should be only for women. As for working in fields that are for men, this is not permissible for her because it requires her to mix with men, which is a great fitnah (source of temptation and trouble) and should be avoided. It should be noted that it is proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I have not left behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women; the fitnah of the Children of Israel had to do with women.”

          Salaam.

          • Ahhhhh, ok- I did not understand the point Virtual was making about a previous post. I think you and Br Yusuf think my query is in regards to that?

            My problem is about someone I've met - and I am considering marrying him. I said I will give him an answer within a specific period.
            But... I have some reservations about him.

            My question wasn't in regards to a post you're mentioning. That was just a comment I left on someone else's post.

          • I know, sister. No worries. That was just an extensive answer.

          • Long story short, brother- He is coming across as extremely protective, obsessive and controlling. I'm a very tolerant person, but I'm finding it hard to breathe.

            We don't spend much time together, as we are still not mehram for each other- but when he catches a non Mehram speaking to me - he accompanies me.

            If he sees anyone talking to me, he feels the need to accompany me and escorts me away from them.

            There's a lot of detail/ but briefly, that's it. And I can't even sleep at night - because I'm unsure what to do. I am performing Salah of istikhara. That's all I think about, I can't sleep- because I don't know what to do.

            I like him. Very humble, gentle, I'm physically attracted to him, Sense of humour, good manners, etc.
            But I feel uneasy- and I feel I have to justify why other males are speaking to me....?
            I know and adhere to my boundaries when mingling with non-mehrams. I am polite to them and know that I am not doing anything wrong.

            I find that I can't breathe. And i blush like crazy when he does this. I can feel my cheeks flushing red, and starting to feel uncomfortable.

            If this is before marriage, what about after? Should I say no? But I do like him.
            Or am I overthinking? Do you think I am just being fussy?
            ..

            Sorry, I didn't want to post this here. But I really can't stop thinking about it. And I haven't shared my feelings with anyone in regards to this.
            Please advise me.

          • Assalaamualaikum, again.

            Mashallah, isn't Allah Subhanawata'alah more jealous and protective than that?

            Al-Mughira b. Shu'ba (RA) reported that Sa'd b. 'Ubada (RA) said: If I were to see a man with my wife, I would have struck him with the sword, and not with the flat part (side) of it. When Allah's Messenger (PBUH) heard of that, he said: Are you surprised at Sa'd's jealousy of his honour? By Allah, I am more jealous of my honour than he, and Allah is more jealous than I. Because of His jealousy Allah has prohibited abomination, both open and secret And no person is more jealous of his honour than Allah, and no persons, is more fond of accepting an excuse than Allah, on account of which He has sent messengers, announcers of glad tidings and warners; and no one is more fond of praise than Allah on account of which Allah has promised Paradise. (Sahih Muslim, Book 9, Hadith #3572])

            Narrated Abu Huraira: We were sitting with Allah's Apostle, he said, "While I was sleeping, I saw myself in Paradise. Suddenly I saw a woman performing ablution beside a palace. I asked, "For whom is this palace?" They (the angels) replied, "It is for 'Umar bin Al-Khattab." Then I remembered 'Umar's Ghayrah and went back hurriedly." On hearing that, 'Umar started weeping and said, " Let my father and mother be sacrificed for you. O Allah's Apostle! How dare I think of my Ghayrah being offended by you?( Bukhari Volume 9, Book 87)

            Narrated By Abu Huraira: The Prophet; said, “Indeed, Allah has Ghayrah, and the faithful believer has Ghayrah, and the Ghayrah which Allah has is provoked when a believer commits that which Allah has forbidden.” (al-Bukhari (4925) and Muslim (2761))

            Ghayra is an Arabic word which means "honor over womefolk. From the Islamic perspective, it is seen as a good and necessary type of jealousy that men have for the womenfolk (e.g. wives, sisters, daughters, mothers) and is perceived as a necessary part of Islam. The concept asserts that all Muslim men should have a collective sense of protectiveness for Muslim women.

            Men who do not have Ghayrah are known as a dayyuth. Being a dayyuth is a major sin and a description of what is deemed an evil characteristic.

            The prophet Mohammed and his companions were known to have very strong Ghayrah

            Abdullah ibn Omar reported that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said: "Three people will not enter paradise and Allah will not look to them on the Day of Judgment: the one who is disobedient to his parents, the woman who imitates men and the Ad-Dayooth (Man who feels no jealousy over his womenfolk)..." (Musnad Ahmad)

            So you can't speak to any non-mehram men, sister, unless when it is absolutely necessary and there's etiquette to be followed while speaking to non-mehram men.

            And tell me about his Salah? Does he pray 5 times consistently?

        • Ruby, let me make it simple and short for you!

          Lady, you are damn lucky that you are getting such a husband! ALL SPOUSES SHOULD BE SO OBSESSIVE AND POSSESSIVE! Just go and marry her! However, I would want you to ask or do something. Just make sure that he doesn't have any prior relationship or doesn't have the propensity to seek more than one female(s).

          • Thank you for your responses.

            Jealousy? Hmmm....Surely, there should be a disctinction between gehrah and jealousy?
            They are two different concepts, and not synonymous? Please clarify.

            Yes, alhamdoulilah. He is a very good guy. Prays 5 times with jama'ah, without fail- from what I've been told and observed.

            Very practising.
            And no, no previous relationships. A true gem. A true gentleman.

            Sister, I do feel blessed. However, I want to avoid entering a marriage of control and intimidation where it's hard going back.
            I want to share and feel good feelings of love, hope and building a positive future together based on the deen.

            Well, thank you for your advice- it has really reassured me for the time being. I appreciate it.

            But I await for my post because there is a lot of detail on there, that may be necessary for you to know to advise me, so you can give a reasoned and backed up response. InshaAllah.

          • I'm a brother. Sherry is my nickname.

            Well, it's rare to find loyal spouse these days. So I would say you shouldn't miss out on this golden opportunity. To me, your husband sounds like an ideal guy. Again, it's common sense for men to feel insecure when their wives are talking to non-mahrams. Remember, WE CANNOT INTERACT WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. Anf this ruling is quite literal. So, for instance, if two university fellows or colleagues are talking in public about their favourite politicians, such as Imran Khan and Bernie Sanders, this is not allowed despite the fact that there are no fear of sexual feelings arising. It's not permissible cos it's not related to either your work nor it is an emergency.

            Therefore, you should introspect and accept that your inclination to talk to non-mahrams is the problem here. This is not control and intimidation. This is following Shariah 101. And it's not hard, stone-age stuff. Gender segregation is at the very core of Islam. All my friends who have been embroiled in failed relationships admire this notion of Islam. All of them realize that there is a reason as to why Islam discourages unnecessary opposite gender interaction because over time, it can inevitably lead to feelings and sins.

            I would once again assert that the consideration of other details is not required. You need to mend your ways and not see this as a problem. Honestly speaking, you should feel lucky because of getting such a man as your hubby. Likewise, he should be grateful to God for blessing him with a virtuous Muslimah like you.

            PS: Just an afterthought. The standard of piety is that you don't start talking to someone you like or love or have feelings for. The Islamic thing is to involve a mahram right off the bat and then keep interacting with your potential spouse in an Islamic way to determine the plausibility of the marriage. Therefore, I have my reservations as to why he started interacting with you without involving a mahram.

          • Assalaamualaikum, sister Ruby.

            That was just about Islamic ruling on non-mahrams, nothing about your compatibility with him.

            A spouse being pious is obviously good, but you have to be compatible too. The marriage of Zaynab bint Jahsh, the Prophet's (saw) cousin, and Zayd, the Prophet's (saw) adopted son, ended up in divorce even though both of them were pious. So let's wait for your detailed question and work out your compatibility with him.

            Salaam.

          • BarakAllah

            Whoops, sorry.
            Not sure why I assumed you were a sis....

            Anyways, thank you for your advice Sherry, I have learnt a lot from it.

            You see, I am not his wife..yet. So I feel kind of...strange...that he is behaving like that towards me.
            I've never needed a man to protect me, so I'm kind of feeling awkward about this.
            I mean once a guy hit on me infront of my brothers and cousins in my family and they intervened. But I was kind of annoyed with them, because I felt I could protect myself. I mean, I was probably wrong. And I had the same strange feeling then.

            I mean, I observe hijab, haven't had relationships, etc- and the males in my family have never been Like this. Like they expect us to be modest and dress appropriately, etc. But they've never actually voiced any of that to any of the females. There's a presumption of modesty but never explicit behaviour- as this gentleman is advocating.

            I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well...?
            I understand everyone is different and I appreciate that.
            But he is being explicitly protective. I'm not used to that, and I find it strange.
            But you're telling me that it is a normal thing, right?
            So I'm perhaps overthinking.

            I am aware that 2 non-mahrams should not interact unless necessary. Honestly, I'm not one of those who strikes a conversation with A non mahram with ease. Just a 'hi/bye', how's your family type of thing- formality. And that is basic manners, right?
            Someone greets you, you respond in turn. That's basic manners.
            Sherry, I do value your advice; and I don't want you to think that your advice is falling on deaf ears, but Living in this day and age, you can not avoid every male on the planet. Genders need to interact, it's just the extent that one needs to be mindful of.
            ..
            In regards to this gentleman,
            We don't interact.

            He's my father's acquaintance and my brother's friend, so he is often in their company.
            But when we meet, it is salaam, and we walk in opposite directions. I know some may find this weird.
            But if I'm in the room, and he enters- I leave. And when I enter, he leaves.

            It's just when a neighbour pops over, or a cousin comes or when we're on a family trip and he accompanies- he joins in the formal conversation between me and the other party.
            Even when a elderly neighbour comes over, he feel the need to join our conversation.

            Some will find this strange, but our house is segregated for non-mahram and mahrams. So when non-mahrams occupy a certain area, the other gender will avoid that area. So believe me, being brought up like that, I can fully understand the importance of hijab and purdah and staying within boundaries. And I ensure I do.

            This person approached my father, not me.
            And then my parents asked me about it. So, apart from the conversations with third parties, we've had no conversations at all.

          • Glad to know that you have a family that strongly practices the Islamic concept of gender segregation. You are lucky again, as I'd say.

            I just want to ask a question. Does this guy, who seems to be a pretty thorough gentleman to me, exhibit this much protectiveness when you are not talking to non-mahrams? So, when you are not talking to non-mahram males, how does he behave then? Is he intrusive and does he invade your privacy at those times? If he doesn't do this, that means he doesn't have a controlling or freakish personality. And whatever he is doing, he is doing it on point.

            Secondly, look we never know when we may slip. Talking to opposite genders is a slippery slope. There is no need for genders to interact unless it's important. So, yes, if you are working in an organization, you may LITERALLY limit your conversations to "hi" and "bye" in a polite manner. Just do not talk anything else. Look, I am a pretty extrovert, social, funny and humorous guy. And whenever, I am at work or at training, I am sort of the guy that makes the classmates and colleagues laugh. But then people, particularly females, find it strange when I don't interact with the opposite gender. I just don't cos I know my limits and I do not want give satan any opportunity. So, I disagree with your assertion that in this day and age, genders need to interact. No, they don't need to unless it's work. So, an example would be if you can avoid to be in a team or in a group project with non-mahrams, do that as well. Go to the maximum limit in order to reduce the opportunities of opposite gender interaction. I wish I could get such a girl who is educated, religious and modern and AT THE SAME TIME knows that we have to limit opposite gender interactions. So, I see many religious hijab wearing girls who casually talk to male non-mahrams deespite not having bad intentions. But I don't understand why they do so. Ok, I get it that you don't have any sexual motive but why in the blue hell would you do something that is neither allowed nor recommended by Islam? It's just pointless and puts me off. You are vitiating the tenet of modesty in Islam. It's a difficult search but let's see how things transpire. So, from this very perspective, I think you are lucky to have such a spouse who is fully cognizant of the potential fitnahs of such seemingly innocuous interactions.

            I am glad you are humble and assuring me that my advice is not following on deaf ears. My final advice is to go and say yes! Just appreciate the way how he keeps his modesty and doesn't freely interact with you, abiding by the preachings of the Prophet alahis salam and Waliy Ullahs. He didn't approach you directly for asking your hand in marriage. He went to your dad. Lady, again I would say you are damn lucky. You did something good and God liked it, and is in return rewarding you for it. I am a male and I have all kinds of male friends, ranging from uber liberal secular atheists, non-practising Muslims to God-fearing Muslims. I am telling you I rarely find someone who is so mindful of the etiquettes of opposite gender interaction. Now look, I haven't even met this guy, and I am his biggest advocate. That's what God does. If you are good, He fills your admiration in the hearts of others and they do your bidding. One more reason for you to marry your husband as a complete stranger - yours truly - is vouching for me. Now, would you please go, leave this website and go to your dad and tell him that you are fine with this marriage? God bless your union! 🙂

          • BarakAllah for your sincere advice. It really means a lot.

            I agree with you to an extent. interaction with non-mahrams should be limited til where necessary, but it is not avoidable. I'm not saying that we should have inclination and grasp every opportunity to talk to each other. But we should have morals and manners. And as Muslims, we should be advocates of Muhammmadan akhlaq and Adaab.

            No, he is only ever protective with non-mahrams. i just do dua that whatever is best for me, happens.

            Allahu Alam what will happen but a humble request from me if you will...? Please perform dua for me that whoever I marry is from amongst the saliheen, and Allah blesses us with children who are also from the saliheen.
            This is one of my duas that I recite 6 times a day- that Allah makes my other half from amongst the saliheen.

            May Allah also bless you and make you succeed in your quest for your queen who is the coolness of your eyes, the spring in your step and your companion in your journey of love, passion and joy. The one who understands every sigh that escapes your lips. The one who can understood you without you saying a word. The one who is the best interpreter of your silence and the translator of your glances.

            Your advice was really good, alhamdulilah. A lot of reason and logic behind it. Thank you.
            I was distressed, but after yours and Br Yusuf's advice, there is slight peace in my chest.
            Sure there is still doubt, but only Allah can move that.
            This gentleman is a good man. And yes, I suppose I am Blessed, not lucky.

          • Thanks.

            May Allah give all of us compatible, pious and righteous spouses! Ameen!

    • I'm a brother. Shery is my nickname.

      I wrote such a long and elaborate reply. Submitted the comment and there was some problem and it couldn't get uploaded. So frustrating. Khair, let me summarize the essence of it:

      There is nothing wrong in this particular behavior of your husband. We cannot talk to non-mahrams until or unless it's an emergency. So, if you are talking to your colleague in open public about your favourite politicians such as Imran Khan or Bernie Sanders, it's not allowed cos it's not an emergency.

      It's not an over-controlling and possessive relationship. You are lucky to get such a spouse.

    • I'm not a sister. Shery is my nickname.

      Wrote a pretty long reply. When I posted it, it couldn't get uploaded because of some error and I couldn't copy it. The essence of the comment was:

      Your would-be husband is right. One should not talk to non-mahram if it's not an emergency. So, for instance, you can't talk even publicly, and with many other workers present, about your favourite politicians such as Bernie Sanders or Imran Khan with your male colleague. Therefore, he's not being controlling and intimidating. You both would make an ideal couple. You are lucky to have a pious husband like him. I hope he is gentlemanly and polite otherwise in his demeanour as in I hope the only problem that you have with him is the one which you mentioned. Which to be honest is not a problem; it's a damn good quality.

  3. Salaamaualaikum. This is for Elle.

    Allah says :

    “Except those who repent and believe and do righteous deeds; for those, God will change their sins into good deeds, and God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran 25:70)

    “Say to those who have disbelieved, if they cease (from disbelief), their past will be forgiven. But if they return (thereto), then the examples of those (punished) before them have already preceded (as a warning)” [Quran 8:38]

    God did not create humankind for any purpose other than to worship Him. However being human makes us frail and forgetful while at the same time our humanity often causes us to become full of our own importance; proud and arrogant. Arrogance in turn often causes us to commit sins, and our forgetfulness often causes us to make mistakes that can easily lead to sinful behavior. God knows us well, He is our Creator. He has not abandoned us to our own imperfect nature; He has provided us with innumerable opportunities to turn to Him for forgiveness. In fact God loves that we feel remorse, and turn to Him seeking His forgiveness and comfort. Prophet Muhammad, may the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, said to his companions, and to all those who follow them in righteousness, “If you did not commit sins, God would replace you with other people who would commit sins, and ask for God's forgiveness, and He would forgive them.” This is not an encouragement to sin, but demonstrates the infinite Mercy of God.

    The door to forgiveness is always open
    God, in His infinite wisdom has made seeking forgiveness easy. If we were not able to seek and obtain God’s forgiveness we would indeed be miserable people, full of despair and self-loathing. It is for this reason that there are no transgressions too big or sins too small that God will not forgive. All sins are forgivable and the door to forgiveness is wide open almost until the Day of Judgement is upon us.

    “And turn in repentance and in obedience with true Faith to your Lord and submit to Him, before the torment comes upon you, then you will not be helped.” (Quran 39:54)

    When God sees the sincere repentance from one of the believers – a person who truly turns God with both fear and hope – He not only forgives the sin, but He replaces the sins with rewardable good deeds. This is from God’s infinite mercy.

    God also forgives us our sins through the difficulties that we face in our lives. When we are stricken with illness or suffering from unfavourable circumstances, we will earn forgiveness if we bear our difficulties patiently, all the time seeking a reward from God.

    Major and minor sins
    Disobeying God is always a serious matter; however the scholars of Islam have divided sins into major and minor categories. Major sins are those sins that entail Allah's curse or incur His wrath or are tied with the threat of punishment of Hell, which includes the sin of worshipping something other than God, which is the most grievous act a human being can commit. Other major sins include murder, sorcery and adultery. Minor sins are defined as acts that are displeasing to God but have no defined punishment mentioned in either the Quran or the authentic traditions. However they are not to be taken lightly because minor sins can easily lead on to major sins and God warned us to take minor sins seriously when He says, “…you counted it a little thing, while with God it was very great.” (Quran24:15)

    Prophet Muhammad advised us that, “Righteousness is in good character and morality, and wrongdoing is that which wavers in your soul, and which you dislike people finding out about.”

    Obtaining God’s forgiveness is easy
    As mentioned before, sincere repentance is able to wipe out a person’s sins, forever and completely. It involves showing genuine remorse, praying for God's mercy and forgiveness, and avoiding that sin in the future. In addition to this, God has also given us other ways in which to wipe the slate clean so that a person may begin again in the eyes of God, as if he or she was a new born baby.

    “Say to those who have disbelieved [that] if they cease, what has previously occurred will be forgiven for them…” (Quran 8:38)

    Prophet Muhammad, may the mercy and blessings of God be upon him, said, “Do you not know that accepting Islam destroys all sins which come before it?”

    As for minor sins, God mercy is so complete that he forgives us our sins even as we perform obligatory acts. From the traditions of Prophet Muhammad we find several sayings that attest to this fact.

    “When the time for a prescribed prayer comes, if any believer performs ablution well and offers his prayer with humility and bowing, it will be an expiation for his past sins, so long as he has not committed a major sin; and this applies for all times”.

    “Whoever fasted the month of Ramadan out of sincere Faith (i.e. belief) hoping for a reward from God, then all his past sins will be forgiven”.

    Sins can also be forgiven by performing good deeds, again though we must strive to do these deeds completely for the sake of God not for some worldly reward. “…Verily, the good deeds remove the evil deeds (small sins). This is a reminder for the mindful (those who accept advice).” (Quran 11:114)

    God has made it easy for us to seek and obtain His forgiveness however it does not come automatically; one must seek God’s forgiveness sincerely, knowing that it is only through God's supreme mercy that anyone will enter Paradise. Prophet Muhammad said, “Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and rejoice, for no one's good deeds will put him in Paradise.” His companions asked, “Not even you, O Messenger of God?” He replied, “Not even me, unless God bestows His pardon and mercy upon me.”

    Prophet (may the peace and blessings and mercy of Allah be upon him) said, Islam annuls what came before it. (narrated by Muslim)

    So if you become a Muslim, all your previous sins are forgiven and you start a blank state. Or a complete clean record.

  4. Salaam sister become a Muslim. As all new Muslims have their sins wiped clean off the slate like a new born baby. Allah forgives all sins.

  5. Ghayra is an Arabic word which means "honor over womefolk. From the Islamic perspective, it is seen as a good and necessary type of jealousy that men have for the womenfolk (e.g. wives, sisters, daughters, mothers) and is perceived as a necessary part of Islam.

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