Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I sort out this emotional dilemma


السلام عليكم

Science class at an Islamic school for girls, time to study,

I am in a very confused and complex emotional state. It's been happening to me for over three months now. It's keeping me emotionally disturbed and affecting my perception of myself. It all begin on the first week of April, when a new girl joined our class. Well as I always sit in the first sit, therefore all I heard was a new voice, a confident one though , answering  the teacher with a remarkable poise. I didn't look back anyway. While leaving I saw her face, I lowered my gaze, well I try to live by Isamic ideals. But the very next day at class quite unusually I found my eyes searching for her but she was not to be there and after few minutes when I looked back I saw her sitting nehind me and I became VERY nervous, duh! Its the worst feeling I ever experienced. At home, all hell broke loose, thoughts about her started clouding my mind.....I felt very disturbed . I know and I strictly oppose the idea of a boy-girl relationship (emotional or whatever) and thus, at some point I thought its nothing and the next moment her face flashes in front me ,  I aslo felt, don't know why? a kind of guilt- of thinking about this girl. But, I am not doing it myself, its overwhelming. The next day as I went late to class I had to sit in the last seat and co-incdentally she was late too and she had to seat to beside me. Damn! you can only imagine what a rush of excitement I felt....the whole hour I felt a rush of adrenaline and I was very very nervous, I didnt look at her for a single second for for sheer fear of doing a sin.

Everyday I wake up to the same strange thought , a kind of longing for this girl and then a feeling of guilt. At class I dont know  but somehow I get a strong urge to do something to attract her attention , to talk, to smile at her, which definitely by grace of Allah I am able to overcome and have never did anything that stupid. But , its getting very disturbing, as I walk through the streets , whenever I happen to see someone veiled with brown attire, I feel like it might be her which is absolutely nonsense but I do experience them often. I found her on Facebook , I found her profile and was shocked to see her picture, while she comes to the class in a Hijab, but her picture shocked me as it was a complete contrast to her conservative dressing style in class though going by her striking personality and her outspokenness, if she were  a non-muslim, it would not be such a big deal. I sent her a friend request but after coming from my asr-salaat, I cancelled it, but after few minutes I sent it again only to  cancel it after few hours. I dont know why  I did that ? And these self-defeating thoughts cropping in my mind about her, ugh!  Sometimes, I feel kind of inferior to her , Heaven knows why?  I even tried skipping classes and went to my Grandma's house far away from here for a week and half so that I can get a break and calm myself down, quite the opposite the absence made it worse, these thoughts didn't left me... And quite sordidly I even dreamt about her, I dreamt of having a conversation with her and she  was the one to begin it.

I am sorry I forgot to say,  I am seventeen year old boy, by the way,  living with my family in a metropolitan city and in a co-ed private school where the atmosphere is strictly non-Islamic, and yeah! I fear Allah and thats why I haven't even talked to her and wouldn't like to do it ever....But you know every one of my friends has the same stupid conclusion, but after reading , The Road Less Traveled by M Scott Peck, I am sure this is neither love nor its lust. Its like I have invest lots of mental and emotional energy in her, I mean I have developed cathexis  for her.  I have realised that listening to metal music seems to calm my mind for a couple of hours, but it is shortlived . These feelings gets intensed immediately after I leave class after seeing her and they continue to disturb me for a fair amount of time.   This is getting extremely uncomfortable for me, please enlighten me with some ideas so that I can sort this out and calm myself and attain emotional serenity.

جزاك اللهُ خيراً‎

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43 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Brother,

    Don't worry, pray to Allah. If you pray to Allah to protect you from Shaytaan and clean your heart, Insha Allah you will feel it. After every salaat and in between different salaat keeping repeating this du'aa to Allah from your heart and Insha Allah you will begin to feel the changes.

    Whensover I have prayed this du'aa Alhamdulillaah the thorns in my road to purity have been removed by Allah. Allah helps so quick and so swtifly, Alhamdulillaah.

    A du'aa can do wonders, and a du'aa from heart can change life altogether.

    You should also avoid music and listen to qirat of the Qur'an which would be more pleasing to Allah and better for your advancement towards the Word of Allah, the Qur'an.

    Keep repeating the Qur'an, the moment we leave it, forget it, we go astray. It is the Siraat Al Mustaqeem for us. The straight path to live life.

    Peace be upon Prophet Muhammad and all Messengers of Allah and His righteous slaves and all glory be to Allah.

    Your brother.

  2. As salamu alaykum, brother wisekid,

    What you are feeling is called infatuation and if you don´t give it more energy that it deserves, it will pass and drie as a drop of water under the midday sun of summer. Have you thought that instead of you, she is the one infatueted by you till the point she feels scared when you are not together at class? Your worst moments are when she is not around, but you don´t like to feel this way, I can see it the way around too, when you are not around her, and your subconscious told you in your dream she is the one begining the conversation, I will give a thought to this.

    I will focus directly on solutions, strengthen your iman, keep refuge on Allah(swt) from the whisperings of Shaytan. As brother Munib has said, salat, dua, reading Quran, Names and Attributes of Allah(swt), at night, pray Surah 112,113 and114 before going to bed, any time you feel uncomfortable instead of listening metal music, listen to the Quran, exercise, draw, enjoy your family´s company, look for a hobby, keep busy, help others( teach children), look for interests that attract your mental attention. If you feel too disturbed recite Ayat- Al-Kursi. Insha´Allah, after a while, practicing all the pieces of the puzzle will return to its right place,

    When you are far from her and you feel the interference in your mind, look for refuge on Allah(swt), don´t fight back mentally or emotionally, surrender and you will see how her presence begins to fade in your life, once you begin to redirect the energy that is applied in the cathexis, you will be again the owner of your mental and emotional life, insha´Allah.

    Related to this situation, I will show you the way I see it, since you knew her, you felt your energy blocked, your mind was giving orders that you felt surprised with, that blocked was materialized even in dreams, behind the blocked energy there is a lot of confusion (clouds) and behind the clouds, the sun is shining. Then, my advice is to let the energetic knot dissolve and let the sun shines through the clouds.

    Stay away from Facebook or internet chatting rooms, this only will bring you problems and don´t scape from your duties, you are studying and you have to pass your exams, don´t let this episode of your life, make a mess that you will later regret. Act straight as the Muslim you are. Keep your routines and be the best you can be, strengthening your iman, you will create a magnetic field around you that will protect you from this kind of interferences, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

    • So you see as Halim said..he has not even talked to's been three months when will his feelings dry's been three months APRIL-MAY-JUNE since he saw Hamd. Can I ask you one thing can't he just talk to her to find out more about her, maybe after knowing her, he can decide if she is really that amazing as he has imagined due to his infatuation.....what are the other ways to curb tgis infatuation as you call it?

      • As salamu alaykum sister Queen Areesha,

        He has done right lowering his gaze and avoiding contact with her, you are still studying and I don´t think you are ready yet for marriage, if you are talk to your parents about it, if you aren´t let it go. Are you muslim? If you are take care of your duties as muslimah, go deeper in your deen, study and stay away from temptantions that will drawn you to suffering.

        María Editor

    • By the for the dream that I wrote about...its not a result of Istikhara....coz I have never ever performed may be its a evil dream....:(

    • One more thing, am I supposed to perform Isthikhara here.....will it result in any good?

      • As salamu alaykum, brother wisekid,

        I hope you listen to my advice and you stay away from internet social chatting rooms, this only brings problems and misunderstandings, this goes to the other visitors and readers that are interested on your post too.

        Istikhara is not what you have to do, stay close to your deen doing all the other steps I adviced you before.

        If she knows, it is fine, you can live with this, you know this feeling will fade on time, insha´Allah.

        María Editor

  3. Dude, its just teenage love.....dont worry too much....let it go.....the more you feel guilty...the more they will haunt you.......well she seems irresitible...then talk to her formally like ask for her notes...etc you know hwat right? dont flirt though and no messaging.....Wasalaam


    • Yo! meraj....cut the crap....what do you mean irresistible, huh? You should help me to reinforce my confidence in battling this not tempt me by describing her as irresistible...maybe this is what you think of Hamd...irresistible, huh?

  4. OMG! our buddy in LOVE!
    L- lots of pain
    O-ocean of tears
    V-valley of death
    E-end of life
    and FYI kiddo..this link has been circulated throughout our facebook BVA network......
    I hate to imagine what will happen once Hamd will see this......

    • As salamu alaykum, U- said,

      This in love as you call it is not love, you are old enough to learn about real lov and not be playing around, if this is on facebook and she knows about it, where is the problem?, would they be the first one in this situation?,

      Wise kid have the courage to stay straight on his duties as muslim, I admire his decision to look for the right way to mantain himself in the Straight Path. If you are not muslim, you can ask him about it.

      Your words explain perfectly what is to be inlove, I hope all of you mantain far from this and keep straight till you are ready for real love and for marriage.

      María Editor

      • Wa alaikum As Salaam siter Maria,

        Yeah! I am a muslim, and I also think that Halim is right in maintaing his modesty. But I also think isn't this too much to worry about....we all study together you one ever stopped us from mingling...maybe because our school do not have any religious you see...we all think ourselves as friends...but when somebody do question our faith then we find it shocking that what we are doing is not its very shcoking for us....

  5. And moreover going by all that we read in literature and the common believe of our society if this ain't love , then what is?

    • As salamu alaykum Brother U-said,

      It is right, to be modest, lower your gaze, not having contact with non-mahrams females in your case unless it is necessary(to work on projects, all the interaction that is inside the limits of the permisible in Islam, you are students and you are in the same class, you cannot avoid that interaction, but you can put limits to it, and you are old enough to recognize the limits, beyond them you feel uncomfortable with your self... ), then you have to be friends because you have grown up together, but we muslims, should be out of the boyfriend-girlfriend situation, and of course of the previous that takes to that situation, what is why wisekid came here for advice, Alhamdulillah.

      When we are teenagers our body wakes up to the reproductive call, all our senses are projected outside, the person we saw before as friend, now smells different, this is infatuation, to be in love, ....this is just passion, a fire that extinguish as fast as it appears, it has a reason to exist, to reproduce, what happen if we follow this instinct, you can see it in this site everywhere, this takes to hell directly, people get hurt, no way to scape suffering, once and again when I listen the words I am in love, my Heart trembles, because the next words are I am suffering.

      I believe for your words that nobody has explained to you the process to interact as a muslim man with women, you are too young yet, but to know the basis of this, will help you in the future to avoid suffering to yourself and to others and you will be able to help others as well, insha´Allah.

      When you feel you are able to marry and that you will be able to carry on with the responsibilities of being the man of the house (working, taking care of your wife and children, and all the duties that this have with it)then if you feel interest for a woman, you approach your family to ask her family for her, this is to propose, if the girl wants to be your wife, she will accept your proposal, and you will be able to meet with a wali(guardian) to protect both of you from evil temptations, this way you would be able to talk to know each other a bit more. No physical touch or provocative dialogue is permited on this period. Once you are married, she is yours and you are hers, one for the other in a blessed and halal way, Insha´Allah.

      I hope this answers your question, I am going to look for a couple of posts that may help you to learn a bit more, insha´Allah.

      María Editor

    • This one too, all this posts are to avoid suffering, if you want to know about the ones that date and the consequences of it, just let me know.

      María Editor

      • DUH! people can get crazy some time....all these articles I wonder if they are actually true, if it is all my sympathies with them, May Allah bless them and show them the way of those whose portion is not wrath and who go not astray......

        But anyway, this site is full of such pitiful experiences....Gosh! perhaps this is what happens when they act on the impulse of their feelings......if my friends read these ...............they will never ever spare a second look at the any girl...................

        I hope people learn from the mistakes made by others and pray to Allah sincerely for making us walk the right way...the way to Jannah and the way to a better life on Earth......


        • Umar,

          All of these articles are true. I am wondering which world you live in? Come on kid, problems happen, thats part of life. Lets show some humbleness and understanding and say something that can help these people. I am sure you have some good advice to offer aswell.


          • Hello Zee,

            Well you see its pretty hard for me to imagine all that, a simple teenage relationship leading into such complicated issues....You see, we all have seen the both sides of this ....there are many examples of Older people around me who liked each other since school and got married and are leading a happy life, sharing their joys , their emotions , how they felt during their teens and on the other end we get to read these devastating effects, broken hearts , pain, sufferings, making us think what may have went wrong in their case ,,,,,,why when some people have gone through this phase and are happy while others are living a life full of regret?
            This is question which bugs me often but whose answer I do not know (Yet).......
            Until then the only way I can think of securing myself is staying clear of rough waters.

          • Umar,

            'Zee' - thats very funny, that made me laugh. You're cleary American or Canadian. We Brits pronounce it 'Zed', lol.

            Anyhow, back to the topic. Rough waters will at some point come our way, they are our tests. They could come to us in the form of our children, our health, our jobs, relationships, money. Thats why we need to secure ourselves, so that when those waves come our way, we are strong enough to fight back and withstand the pressure. But sometimes we fall and thats human nature. However more importantly, its also human nature to rise up again and be bettter and stronger.

            We humans were created special. Unlike Angels and Animals, Allah blessed us with free will - will to choose. So along with this, of course Allah also sent us Guidance in the form of Messengers/Prophets. The story of Adam and Hawa(as) our mother and father, is an example for us, infact it is our life story. It is about the cycle of 'Rememberance of Allah, of forgetting Allah, of being lured by shaytaan, of falling to sin, of realisation and shame, of feeling regret and then seeking repentance and turning back to Allah'.

            Allah says in Surah Al- Baqarah: "And We said: "O Adam! Dwell you and your wife in the Paradise and eat both of you freely with pleasure and delight of things therein as wherever you will, but come not near this tree or you both will be of the Zalimun (wrong-doers)."

            Adam and Hawa(as) went near the tree and because they did that, they became attracted to what Allah had forbidden and they fell prey to the lure of shaytaan and hence ate from the tree. As soon as they had realised their sin, they felt shame and regret and immediately turned back to Allah. Allah taught them how to repent so they repented and their repentance was accepted by Allah.

            This, Umar, is an on-going battle. A battle between haqq and batil (truth and falsehood), nafs and aql (desires and wisdom), shaytaan and deen. It is one that no human cas escape from. So all the articles you have read are just this and it is our aim here to help this people realise their errors and to come back to Allah. May Allah make us successful in this, aameen.

            So some people will date, end up getting married and be happy. But others will do the same thing: 'date', but they will not get married to that person and be happy, or many other scenarios. The point is, life is a test and we are all tested differently, but everything will come full circle like a boomerang in the Hereafter. So yes, because life is a test, we all need to secure ourselves so when rough waters come, we are ready to stand strong.

            Hope my potatoe waffle made sense.


          • Nah! We guys are from India, we all are in the same school, Zed , Ah! I see.....well probably everyone of us might have pronounced it as Zed, coz British english is what they teach here in India but we our's is an American embassy school having independent that's the reason....

  6. First of all, Halim I didn't know you can write so well........if only you could have written essays with such delicate attention then maybe Miss Simi Aurora would have given you 10 out of 10 instead of 9 you got last monday.....:p

    And I really respect your patience man, lowering your gaze and avoiding contact. I can imagine how much you may have gone through considering how pretty she is (sorry for that). But anyways I think you should religiously follow the advice given to you (US too by sister) c;mon man just ignore the urge and sit in the front seat from next class , as she always come late and site at the last so you will be pretty far from her and hence you wont be seeing her....Pray to Allah and seek refuge from shaitaan.......

    All the best , mate

  7. A really good piece Halim, I wonder how many hours you may have spent in writing this...

    Kudos to you Munib and guys rock....l wonder where you guys get the wisdom and moreover the patience oh yeah the PATIENCE to write such long and advice and each one unique in its own way......the Zawaj foundation must be getting a helluva lots of traffic the way where are you guys from?

    Keep it up.... ^_<

    • Mayank,

      I am happy you think good of our posts.

      Wisdom comes from Allah, as He says:

      269. He giveth wisdom unto whom He will, and he unto whom wisdom is given, he truly hath received abundant good But none remember except men of understanding. - Surah Al Baqarah.

      Patience develops over time, the more a person remains patient under stress, the more this ability develops in him/ her.

      Also, more than patience, it is the will to give good advice, to give true advice as much as we can to the best of our knowledge and in the end, it is for no wordly gain or appreciation, but all the writing is to fulfil the Purpose of Allah, Our Lord.

      And by the way, I am from India.


    • As salamu alaykum,

      Thank you for your appreciation. I am from Europe. Alhamdulillah, this is a site of brotherhood where brothers and sisters are from all over the world. The strength, patience and wisdom is not ours, all belong to Allah(swt), Alhamdulillah, all praise to Him(swt).


      María Editor

  8. Hi all kids, ah, sorry, wisekids 🙂

    Masha Allah, some good guys are here and some comments I see for fun, may Allah guide us all.

    Brothers and sisters, you may like to read something I wrote previously about dating:

    I wrote some words in another post regarding love and dating and it's ill effects, if you like to read, I quote them here again:

    In Islam non mahram men and women cannot be in an intimate relationship without marriage . There is nothing like dating in Islam. Also, the kind of male - female "friendships" we know today are also not Islamic way of behaving with girls/ women.

    Love before marriage or without marriage?

    For teens and adults, they say : Wow ! She is gorgeous, O he is so handsome ! She is so amazing ! O he is so cute !

    It all sounds exciting, enchanting, but do you know what? It is stirring up of desires by Shaytaan to beguile from the way of Allah and draw people closer and closer to sin and turn their time and attention from Allah to these objects people choose to think about day and night saying : Ah ! I missed you so much :(, when did you miss me? : From the time you left, all the time I was thinking of you. Or since you kept the phone down, I was thinking about you only.

    Who deserves all admiration brothers and sisters? Allah or these objects of love?
    Who deserves our time and attention more than anyone else? Allah or these objects of love?

    Do you know something dangerous, something which is ignored by people falling in love without marriage?

    It is Shirk. Something we as Muslims should stay far away from.

    Yes it leads to "Shirk" or "polytheism", which is most hateful to Allah. It is a state in which the guy/ girl becomes center of life instead of Allah. People begin to love that person more than they love Allah. They are ready to do anything for that person, but not for Islam or for the cause of Allah. Loving someone with the love which is due for Allah only is as good as associating a partner with Allah.

    165. Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves objects of worship which (they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) Those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment! - Surah Baqarah.

    The above verse is for idols, images, in greater sense but also human worship, etc, applies to all objects of worship which a person choses to love with the love which is due for Allah only.

    Living life for him/her, he/she is my everything, I can't live without him/her, all these words should be for Allah, but contrarary to this, people use it for their "love". In their ignorance they do not understand what injustice, wrong doing they are doing by adoring someone out of limits. Allah is not pleased with such acts. Yet among our Muslim youth today, guys and girls argue about "love" and "falling in love before marriage", they argue without knowledge. Satan stirs up desires in their hearts, they become attracted to someone and make that person their "goal of life" when Allah alone should be the Goal and these words should not come up in the mind of a Muslim. These are against Islamic principles.

    162. Say: Lo! my worship and, my sacrifice and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the Worlds. - Surah Al An'am.

    42. And that thy Lord, He is the goal; - Surah Najm

    38. And verily, if thou shouldst ask them: Who created the heavens and the earth? they will say: Allah. Say: Bethink you then of those ye worship beside Allah, if Allah willed some hurt for me, could they remove from me His hurt; or if He willed some mercy for me, could they restrain His mercy? Say: Allah is my all. In Him do (all) the trusting put their trust. - Surah Az Zumar.

    We should repent for falling in love before marriage. Even if we did not touch or do anything, repent for falling in love and turn to seek marriage quickly and if no marriage is happening then leave it and move on in life and hope for the best from Allah.

    Surah 23. Al-Muminun
    1. Successful indeed are the believers
    2. Who are humble in their prayers,
    3. And who shun vain conversation,
    4. And who are payers of the poor due;
    5. And who guard their modesty
    6. Save from their wives or the (slaves) that their right hands possess, for then they are not blameworthy,
    7. But whoso craveth beyond that, such are transgressors,
    8. And who are shepherds of thee pledge and their covenant,
    9. And who pay heed to their prayers.
    10. These are the heirs
    11. Who will inherit Paradise: There they will abide.

    You have a way shown by Allah as a believer. It is up to you to choose to walk upon it, and you will not, unless Allah wills so. He is the Fount of Fear, He is the Fount of Mercy.

    Guard your modesty, be humble in prayers, shun vain conversations - flirting/ meaningless talks on phone/ dating/ music/songs/poetry - anything which is fruitless in the sight of Allah.

    So turn to Allah repentant and Seek His help. He knows you best and He alone will make it manifest at the right time what He has written in your destiny.


    Insha Allah, I hope something of my words goes in to your young minds by the permission of Allah.

    Brothers and sisters, how much more do we want to hurt ourselves? Have we not seen enough of examples in life of the evil consequences of love stories?

    Some may have happy ending of a good marriage, but what about the majority of evil?

    We do something which has less benefit but more harm for us, should we not abstain from it brothers and sisters?

    May Allah guide us to the Straight Path and have mercy upon us and forgive us for our transgressions and bestow upon us knowledge and give us wisdom and make us patterns for those who ward off evil. Insha Allah.

    Your brother.

    • I greatly appreciate your writing brother, you all are amazing....
      Thanks to Allah for getting me and my friends acquainted with you guys......

  9. As salamu alaykum,

    halim awesome work man..let me rephrase it "it's legend wait for it....keep keep waiting bcoz its dary...legendary work.....
    and halim damn man you got hell lots of PATIENCE...........and you know somehow your story is similiar to mine except in my case that girl happens to be a non-muslim......and we are good friends(maybe from 8th or 9th grade) and we usually sits together.
    and the only advise that i can give is that if staying away from her does ease your pain than you should try to talk to her(by talking i meant only talking no flirting!!!!!) be her friend and maybe that would ease your anxiety......

  10. after reading the comment from brothermuniib im not ashamed to say that that the advise which i have earlier given to halim was bogus as it was against the word of Allah (subh'ana wattallah) and now the only advise which i can give to halim is to take advise from brothermuniib and sister maria......

    May Allah guide us all and have mercy upon us and forgive us for our for our sin and enlighten us with his path and wisdom...

    • Usaid,

      Thats cool, always good for us to realise any mistakes. Its humbling for the soul.

      SisterZ Editor

      • Assalamu alaykum Sister Z,

        I thought to write a "sorry" note to you earlier this morning. But somehow I did not feel like writing something then.

        Anyways, all things happen when Allah has appointed a time for them to happen.

        Sister Z, please accept my apologies for anything I may have said in my posts in long argumentative issues that came up in last one month.

        Actually, I should put forward all questions before the scholars, as common people will find it hard to understand and may come in wrong impression of my points as well as the issues put forward.

        Insha Allah, I shall continue my studies of the Qur'an and Sunnah in further depth, Allah willing, but shall take care no "false" thing is uttered in my posts.

        Your brother.

        • Walaykumsalaam Brother Munib,

          JazakhAllah for that, that was very humble of you. I too apologise if I have said anything wrong.

          We all need to keep ourselves in check, including moi.


  11. Asalaamualaykum,

    You are going through something that alot of people young and old go through: attraction to the opposite gender, 'feelings', internal battle between nafs and aql etc. And while I understand that you are not actually heartbroken, I think you may find this article very useful. A friend of mine sent it to me a few days ago, I do not know who the author is:


    Getting Over a Broken Heart ~ The Islamic Way

    I've made this thread in order to assist the many heart broken individuals we get posting threads in this section. Getting over a lost love is quite a hardship and one can be very confused, emotional and in such pain that they are unable to rationalise the situation without some form of outside help.

    I've seen many threads where a person is told to "just get over it" etc and is treated quite harshly when this is not at all the way to deal with such people. I myself can attest to how it feels to experience the highest highs of love as well as the lowest of the lows and then to lose it all. This harsh treatment almost always comes from those who have not experienced the same situation and my advice to those who seek to advise another but cannot help but to be harsh, is that they should simply stay silent and leave it to those who will show some compassion and patience. (I remind myself before others, inshaa'Allah.)

    I found an article which, I believe has some excellent tips for those who are lovesick and thought sharing it would be a good idea. I hope this thread can help those who are suffering from heart break to understand better their situation and the whirlwind of emotions and then give them the push they need in order to move on and continue with life stronger then they were before, inshaa'Allah.

    Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr

    This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

    The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.

    So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.

    “Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]

    Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome

    An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

    Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

    Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

    Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

    These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

    The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

    As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

    Step 3: Be proactive

    Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

    Step 4: Move on

    In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

    “If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]

    Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.


    SisterZ Editor

  12. As salam wa alaykum everyone,
    I did some digging and found some interesting resources regarding dating ,

    No Dating In Islam

    THis one's the coolest
    THis one by Yususf Estes
    THis one is probably the longest dialogue on the matter
    Sharp and Blunt

    Jazakallah Khayr'an

  13. السلام عليكم
    Dear brother and sisters Masa'Allah I am feeling a lot better now but can you please help me sort this out, whenever I am sitting in class I am feeling like turning back and looking at her but Honestly I didn't do it more than once today ...................
    And the thing thats bugging me most is that whenever I am walking down the streets or having a good time at a cafe , I suddenly feel like she is watching me an d if there happens to be any girl in a Hijab I feel like its her.....this is seriously the worst feeling I experience.......

  14. Hi Wisekid and other kids,

    Guys, you have your life, this is growing phase, we advised you in plain terms, if you understand better for you, if not, may be you suffer and grow up that way. Allah knows we don't.

    School life involves teenage, lot of curiosity, so brother Wisekid, do not think so much about her.

    As I mentioned it in my most, instead of Allah, people think about that one object day and night.

    Wisekid, if you are wise, then remember Allah and His Guidance whenever she comes to your mind, Insha Allah you will find ease.

    And if you cannot find ease, then do not go hard to find it, let things be as they are.

    What you need to do is lower your gaze in front of all girls and not just her and live normally, do not create a tension due to her being around.

    If you still cannot do this, then just leave it. All you need to do is not develop friendship with her which may lead to evil, and stay away from any emotional or physical occupation for her.

    What you feel naturally is an "unwilled" thought, you do not will do it it, but it just happens.

    For this Allah is Forgiving, you need not worry about this, as Allah is the One who created us and knows us best as He says in Surah Najm:

    31. And unto Allah belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth, that He may reward those who do evil with that which they have done, and reward those who do good with goodness.
    32. Those who avoid enormities of sin and abominations, save the unwilled offences (for them) lo! thy Lord is of vast mercy. He is best aware of you (from the time) when He created you from the earth, and when ye were hidden in the bellies of your mothers. Therefor ascribe not purity unto yourselves. He is best aware of him who wardeth off (evil).

    I hope the "answer/ advice" to your post is in these words.

    And I hope now you and your friends will understand this Insha Allah and will not make funny comments but be serious as a mature group and read other posts where people have fallen in to troubles and are in need of good advice.

    Insha Allah, I hope this serves your purpose.

    Your brother.

  15. Wisekid,

    I personally think it's really beautiful that you find this young Muslimah attractive. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact it is quite normal. I think what makes you more beautiful is the fact that you do in fact fear Allah and want to keep yourself within the guidelines of Islam. That behavior speaks volumes about the amazing person that you are.

    It appears to me that you are infatuated by this girl, again...not a crime from where I sit. My advice to you would be to keep yourself busy with sports or other activities that take your mind off her and read the Qur'an often to find strength in the written word.

    My 18 year old son came to me a few months back as he too is smitten with a girl in his class. He was asking me about marriage. I advised him to finish school, gain at least a bachelors degree and if he still wants to marry her...go ask for her hand. Until that time, he needs to focus on what matters most in his life and that is his education...much like you.

    May Allah guide you and keep you on the straight path of Islam always.


  16. I agree to what Najah said

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