Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do I tell him that it is non-Islamic to send these messages before marriage?

internet relationship

I am very much confused and don't know what to do.

My belonging is from rural area and we are big family. My family is very educated. I myself is a doctor and doing my specialization.

I am very progressive and always have planning for my future. My family finds a proposal for me and a guy is well educated. But he doesn't have good job. He is working in government sector and the scale in which he is working is not good. I have many concerned regarding this but my family didn't considered it. One reason is that we are many sisters and they try to convince me that he will find good job in future.

After my engagement I start talking to him on facebook but not too much. The only reason to start talking to him is that I am very curious about his planning for future. After his office timing, I always find him in facebook  and he never wants to discuss about job (I think).

Now he started sending me red roses which is unislamic to send such kind of things before marriage. I find that you can talk your finance but in the bounds of Islam.

But I am very confused that how can I tell him that it is non-Islamic and unethical. I think it is better to delete him from my facebook or aviod him.

Please help me. I read that if you find comfort in Sin then it mean Allah is angry with you. I am finding comfort by talking with him. But I am also worry about his future plan.

hijabigirl


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6 Responses »

  1. So Sister,

    your main concern is him not earning well and not him "sending Roses on FB". i am certain if he was handsome and earned well, all of this shows of affection would have been well received by you 🙂 lets just put the obvious out of the way.

    but if you still insist that its wrong, how he is expressing himself, then by all means find a nice kind way of telling him that you both should wait till marriage to express your feelings to each other.
    as goes for the obvious reason for your question " he does not earn will" rizq is in the hands of Allah, and i have seen 100% of cases where my friends have gotten married and received an immediate financial boost.

    Of course its the man's responsibility to always strive for more in a halal way, and you will again have to find a nice way to tell him how marriage is financially and emotionally draining, and how better job/pay may mean an easier life together.

    Hope that helps, best of luck for your marriage 🙂

  2. Sister, why waste your time or his? You are clearly not interested in him and do not respect him. If you marry him you're just going to make each other unhappy. You cannot get engaged to someone and try to change him into someone else. He is who he is. If you cannot accept him as he is, then end your engagement with him and do not torment him.

    Personally, I think you are a snob. If you want to talk about un-Islamic and unethical, I find the caste mentality to be repulsive and contrary to everything that Islam teaches. A government job is perfectly respectable. To look down on someone because he doesn't make as much money as you is arrogant.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Dear sister...

    I have the same opinion and view as previous brother Wael here. Feeling your self that your expected husband is NOT OF GOOD QUALITIES AS YOUR just because HE DOES NOT EARN MUCH AS YOU WANT is SIGN OF BAD/POOR FUTURE in your marriage life.
    Imagine if YOU GET A GUY who is earning well BUT - is the one who is DOES NOT BEHAVE ISLAMICALLY and MAY BE ARROGANT OF MONEY ---what will happen?

    I think you have to tell parents and break this engagement to this guy. Otherwise-you are going to spoil your and his life BUT especially YOUR because of too much expectation ---EARNINGS from HUSBAND.

    Use your time and have a deep thinking ON WHAT YOU NEED IN YOUR MARRIED LIFE---surely if you need much money---then GO OUT AND FIND a rich man.

  4. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Sister, I don't know your intentions, nor can anyone else. Let's suppose you are sincere about this proposal because you've accepted it and are going forward with it.

    Is there anything wrong with being concerned about how a husband will provide for you financially when you marry? No. Is there anything wrong about talking about your insecurities in that area, and asking him to share his goals so that you can be on the same page with him? No. So if you are sincere and open to marry him (and I suspect there is an element of that because you "take comfort" in talking to him), then you can feel free to discuss this issue and resolve it as needed. But keep in mind that when it comes to rizq, we all do the best we can, Allah can give more or give less and we can never predict when it will come or how with certainty. It's a matter of tawakul, ultimately.

    Now, on the issue of your pre-marital interactions: You said he sends images of roses to you on Facebook. I understand this is a display of affection, which is something to treat with caution. However, my personal opinion is that something like that - in and of itself- is not haraam. We are advised not to talk to non mahrem WITHOUT NECESSITY. I personally see two things here:

    1. getting an image of a flower sent to you is not even talking. There is no interaction. To me, I see that more of a gift, and there is nothing haraam about receiving affectionate gifts from a fiance, to my knowledge. If he instead had fresh flowers sent to your home by a third party, would you find that to be haraam? I personally wouldn't.

    2. Some view speaking about things (like finances) that are important for the future of your marriage as necessary, when the couple is already engaged. So there is an exception for that, in my view. Granted, it is better to have such conversations while chaperoned in person, but sometimes you can have phone conversations or even text chats with a mahrem listening/reading to remain within the bounds.

    I think you are getting the positive feelings of connecting with someone you intend to marry mixed up with feelings of enjoying sin. It's natural and normal, and even the purpose of marriage per the Quran, that we get feelings of comfort and closeness with those whom we develop care about. You are planning to marry this man, and you are building a relationship with him, and so these feelings are expected to happen and there's nothing wrong with that! What would be wrong is if you both took these feelings as a justification to go off together in khilwa and speak passionately or even engage in forms of zina. The feelings themselves are not wrong, but sinful actions are made clear by Allah. Personally, I don't see anything you've shared as CLEARLY haraam. Allahu Alim.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Sadest thing to knw abt ur thinking 🙁

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