Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I approach marriage with an std?

So I met a someone a while ago. We became really close and got carried away, and we ended up losing our virginities. We fell in love very quickly without even realising what was going on. Neither of us had the intention of a relationship when we met, we were just friends and things happened but we never acknowledged what we were.

Then something really bad happened, it was probably a punishment from Allah for sinning because the chances of this were so rare for us. I got herpes, and as a result he obviously did too. I believe with all my heart that I am the only person he has been with and that it was just very unfortunate for us to have contracted an STD, most likely orally. He was so good to me when it happened though, as I had much much worse symptoms than he did, and he looked after me and was really there for me, going out of his way to make sure I was getting better until I had recovered.

A few months later I started to realise how in love i had fallen with him, and I bought up the topic of marriage in the future. He had not realised I felt this way till now. He told me he cannot see a future with me. To some extent I could understand as he's pakistani and I'm not and I know my family would never accept us and he says his would not either. However he had told me in the past that his cousin had married someone not pakistani so it made it difficult for me to believe his family couldn't be convinced. It really hurt me that he wasn't willing to try to make it work with me, because I knew he loved me, and I loved him and I was willing to do anything to make it work. Despite the fact we committed zinah, in all other aspects of his life he is a very good person, tries to follow islam the best he can, and I knew he was good for me, e.g. he encouraged me to stop eating non halal meat, we got along so so well, I could just see him as a perfect husband, and I was willing to do anything for him. However he could not see me in the same way and it really hurt, especially as he'd try to pretend he had no feelings for me when it was VERY clear that he did.

Part of the reason he won't marry me is because his dad (who he lives with) has been unfortunate enough to have had 2 very bad marriages. This naturally makes him very cautious about who he's going to marry. Also his family would make him do istikhara and he believed the results would be negative. However the way they do it seems very different and incorrect to the way my friends had explained it to me, but i am not very educated islamically so i don't know. But he ended up getting his cousin to do istikhara for him to make sure (because it upset me so much) without telling her the context of our relationship or anything, just by giving her mine and my mothers names? Apparently it came out negative. I don't know if what was done was correct but it felt in a way he had given me an excuse that I could not argue with because it had apparently come from Allah.

Despite all of this we have remained close friends and haven't been able to cut each other from our lives. Anytime he tries to create some distance I feel like I will mentally break down and I cannot handle it at all. I guess I just hang on to the hope he will change his mind about it. The worst thing is that recently I asked him about his feelings for me, he said he did have them, but they're gone now because he has suppressed them. It makes me very mad because you can't just lose feelings for someone like that unless you spend time away to get over them and I know he's lying because we still have the same spark that we used to.

I am gradually trying to move on and accept the fact that i will most likely not have a future with him and will quite soon be looking for a husband. My mum has mentioned it recently so I know it is coming. My biggest fear though, is the fact that I have sinned and am not a virgin. My family don't know. Of course i know that islam says to conceal our sins, but I feel uncomfortable entering a marriage where the guy would believe I was virgin even though I was not, as I believe honesty is so important, and I'm scared that they would find out later on and get angry and leave me or tell my family. I would have gone along with it for the sake of concealing my sins, but I also have an std. That is not something you should morally keep from a partner, or a potential partner. So now as the time nears closer and closer I need advice on

  1. Should I bring up the fact I am not a virgin to a potential husband
  2. Should I bring up the fact I have herpes to a potential husband
  3. How should I bring these up, especially if i don't end up having opportunities to speak to him privately.
  4. What if he end up not being a decent person and ends up telling my family?

I am sorry it is all so long but i wanted the background and to maybe have your thoughts and advice about the guy I am in love with.

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23 Responses »

  1. Salaam alaikim.
    Tell your future husband you got herpes. Dont start a marriage on a lie. And dont violate your future husbands trust by concealing something this big.
    It may be a hard pill to swallow but you will avoid future messes that will stem from hiding this.

  2. I THINK islam says to keep your sins between you and Allah.

    as far as herpes, if they cant be treated then tell him otherwise keep your sins between your and Allah.

  3. OP: Should I bring up the fact I am not a virgin to a potential husband
    Should I bring up the fact I have herpes to a potential husband
    How should I bring these up, especially if i don't end up having opportunities to speak to him privately.
    What if he end up not being a decent person and ends up telling my family?

    Most Muslim men (even if they are not virgins) will not marry you if you tell them you are not a virgin and have herpes.
    Find a Muslim man who has herpes.
    How did you get herpes, were you seeing another guy also?

    • No I was not seeing anyone else and neither was he. We were just very unfortunate.

      • Salam alikum sister sorry to hear what has happened to you. I think either he wasn't telling you the truth or one of you had it to begin with, you don't just catch it from two people without it. One of you must of had it first. But nether the less I think you should join the group positive Muslims it's a Facebook secret group to support Muslims with herpes ect and others who are looking for marriage. You have to send a Facebook request to Auther Garrett. I hope this is of some help to you my sister don't worry things will get better with time x

  4. How could you be so careless ? - both of you had engaged in a haram intimate relationship and you both can't get married when you were playing happy marriage. the result of your haram relationship is that you have lost your chastity, iman, self respect and to make matters worse you have caught herpes which means in the future getting married will be incredibly difficult. The connotation that comes with std is so bad everyone will assume that you had been sleeping around .

    Eatimg haram meat ???????? Are you not a Muslim to realise you shouldn't be eating that in the first place . By him telling you not to eat it doesn't mean anything . Just shows how ignorant you are to the religion and how much you care.

    However , you should consider yourself lucky . God has given you a warning, an opportunity to change. Just imagine not contracting std . None of this would be actually had happened . So repent whilst you have the chance. Your life has gone the wrong way but it don't mean it can't be turned aroumd .

    Regards to your marriage issue. I strong advice you to marry this guy as it would just be your best option and tell him to man the hell up to tell his mum that he's going to marry you. If he really loved you then it shouldn't be a problem.

  5. Dear brother, She made a mistake which she realizes and admits. Lets relax and tell her nicely, she came here for advice, I know it is wrong. Leave that btween ALLAH and her. She now realizes and feels bad. Especially after that guy used her. She must feel miserable and the fact he is unable to marry. MAY ALLAH bless her heart . I cant imagine what she is feeling and going through knowing what she might have to face.

    • She committed shirk(one of the worst sins).Do you understand bad this is? Do you understand how many times we've been warned to avoid this sin? - If this was your real sister, would you be talking calmly with her and just say she made a mistake and it's whatever.

      As you can tell this has clearly angered me - why? Because this sort of thing happens over and over and it's like I'm having a deja vu moment with these muslim sisters. Do you know how easy it would've been to avoid this issue. If only she had the attention and love and caring from her parents then, she would've never done this. Now she has to pay the mistakes she did (at whatever age she is) for the rest of her life.

      • Yes Ahmed! Like Mahi explained calmly to you, she knows what she did was WRONG. Who are you Ahmed, the religious police? Are you God? You seem to be the type to beat someone over the head over and over instead of trying to TRULY HELP.

        He wasn't saying 'Whatever' This sister is truly upset with herself and now knows she has really messed up her what else do you want her to do Ahmed. 100 lashings would appease you?

        You said: As you can tell this has clearly angered me - why? Because this sort of thing happens over and over and it's like I'm having a deja vu moment with these muslim sisters.

        YEAH LET'S ALSO HOLD ACCOUNTABLE "MUSLIM MEN" . Oh sorry, men don't sin that much Right?

      • Sorry but how did she commit shirk? Isn't it zina? Or am I missing something?

  6. Sister please re read your post with all the calm , you say he is a good muslim and practices Islam , islam says Do not even come Near Zina , let alone doing it . Islam says zina is a major sin . So what impression is he putting on you ?? He used reliegion for his benefit ?? Turned you to halal eating and then what got you into the worst of sins .
    How is he even a good person if he refuses to marry you , Zina and commiting sin is ok but marriage is not ? Islam says there is nothing better than marriage for two people in love , islam encourages marriages ... you still think this man is practising . Isthikhara can only be done by self so his answer to istikhara is invalid . why didnt he do isthikhara before doing zina with you , because thats what he wanted . Now when marrying you is the need of time he brings in isthikhara ? And his dad issues ? Blinding you by lame excuses .
    You say a future decent man would not tell your family about this sin , but you still speak highly of this man who is ok with putting you in this type of situation .
    Wake up , repent to Allah and cut all ties with this man he is no good to you , give him an ultimatum about marriage. playing with Muslim girl's dignity is absolutely no joke considering the societal norm . He will most likely never ever marry a girl with a past but easily saying no to you. What does he mean the feelings are gone , so he just wanted to have fun or be friends with benefit. Talk to your parents about this and send over the proposal if he doesnt man up .
    I am not clear about your illness. Do you have oral herpes ? Oral herpes isnt STD and is more common than you think with symptoms involving all face . Oral herpes isnt transmissible either but contagious. Can you please give details on it.
    But repent to Allah and involve yourself in good deeds , you do realize how easy zina is and what horrible outcomes it has , go and educate the young muslim girls against it. Do no be in contact with this person , if he chooses not to spend his life with you , hes not worth inviting Allahs anger .

    • I have genital herpes type 1.

      • Ok i am very sorry to know this and may Allah give you shifa . Are you sure the guy was not seeing any other girl ?
        I will say again istikhara has to be done by the person himself , there is also an article about isthikhara on this website please check it and email that guy .

        "I could not argue with because it had apparently come from Allah."

        Using Allahs name to back off from responsibilty ,astagfirullah .

        Ask him again to man up and accept you or see if you can talk to some elder , this is a very grave situation and act wisely.Pray tahajjud daily and ask Allah for help and to make things easier for you
        As for you illness , seek medical help and introduce prophetic medicine in your life too . Eat more dates , oilve oil. There is a herb called indian costus , look if you can find it in pure form , it is good to build up immunity but all these changes will take long time to heal
        If you plan on marrying while being affected , this is something that cannot be hidden since it might affect your spouse too and chances are if you tell about herpes , he might dig further into probing all the details .
        At the end of the day we are all responsible for our own actions . Allah says whatever misfortune falls on us is because what our hands have earned so beg Allah for forgiveness , and seek His help to make things right for you . Make a firm decision never to return to this evil way and cut all ties with this man , there is no point of sweet talking if hes not willing to make things right . A man claiming to be in love has basically done nothing for a girl until he sends over a proposal to get married to her .Had you told your family what you are suffering from they would have gone all the way out to help too and then you wouldnt be burdened by thoughts like this guy has done a lot for me .
        Take charge of your health and your self and make wise and emotionally intelligent decisions from now on !! It is your life and you have to live it , do not ever let any man close to you before marriage . Rememeber Shaitan is our biggest enemy and is always on the lookout to trap us , and things always start from friendships and end up horrible .
        May Allah give you the best of both the worlds

  7. Salam alikum sister, there is a secret Facebook group that will help and support you in this matter it's called positive muslims international and the admin is arthur garrett.

  8. I want you to read this and understand it.

    Two people in a monogamous relationship do not get STD. Unless one of them caught something from a previous relationship.

    If two people are in a physical sexual relationship and one of them cheats and sleeps around this is when an STD comes into play.

    Sounds like you did not have it before you slept with this man. Do you think he had this before your relationship began? Was he seeing someone else during your relationship? You need to ask these questions. You cannot just catch it out of nowhere.

    Promise yourself and Allah that you won’t commit zinna again. Before you get married I advise you to tell your husband about your herpes . Tell him, as it is very likely that he will get it too and when he does things could potentially get worse. If he separates from you, he might have to disclose it to family members etc. So be careful in your actions from here on in. I wish you all the best.

    I believe there are marital sites for people with std looking to get married, why don’t you give these a try?

    • You are not alone in this situation unfortunately this has happened but it could have been worse.
      Allah is forgiving most merciful.
      You will meet someone else and can have a happy marriage with Islamic commitment. Don’t be put off by those who judge you. Their judgment is neither here nor there. Allah is the best of judges. Seek his forgiveness and he will reward you.

  9. Look sister this all takes time. You need to sit down and take your time and think about your life and what is going on. Herpes is the most common disease out there! Statistically speaking nearly 80 percent of these users that have commented have this disease so it’s nothing to be ashamed of! Herpes doesn’t affect ur life in anyway it doesn’t kill u it doesn’t kill ur children and if you do a few actions during intercourse you can avoid spreading it to your patner. You don’t die from this disease it’s just annoying to have it. On the other hand you must tell ur future spouse that you have this disease and inshallah he will accept for the person you are! Don’t let anyone judge the person that you are based on past actions! I know many people that have accepted even though there spouse has a disease and they have gone on to live happy life’s. Magic Johnson was a famous basketball player who contracted hiv which we all know can kill. He announced it to the world and is still with his wife and he is still alive and a very successful man. So sister don’t give up at all you have something which people think is the end of the world when really it’s a beginning of a new chapter. If u need anything I’m here to talk.

    • inshallah he will accept for the person you are!

      The person OP is, is a person that makes bad decisions and got herpes from them. It's a person that has committed zina, so have shown bad judgement and weakness in character and morals. I don't know a lot of people that would be accepting of that...unless they, themselves, have made similar choices.

      • I'm sure many people would accept their spouses despite if they had a past. If I ever get married, if my wife isn't a virgin before marriage then it is unlikely that I won't accept her simply for that reason. Majority of people sin unfortunately, I'm not perfect myself.

        I wouldn't refuse someone just because they're not a virgin or did stuff in the past with someone else.

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