Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How does someone find their perfect match, if dating is not allowed in Islam?

boyfriend girlfriend haraam

Hey everyone ! My name is leyla.

I just need some advice on Islamic relationships. I have never dated anyone before, or plan to. I have been told since I was a young child that it was Haraam. I see girls/boys who are my age , and other Muslims who are dating all the time. I have never once come upon a Muslim person who has agreed on not dating. They all know it's Haraam though, and they say if you don't date how will you find the one who is right for you.

That has got me thinking for a very long time. If dating is not allowed, then how does marriage even happen? How do two people find each other, and know that they were meant to be together? I have thought about it , but dating is still not something I would do, but how will I ever find the guy who is right for me? I don't talk to guys like that anyways. Having religious parents and all, I have been taught that talking to guys was Haraam since I was a young child! As I am growing older though, I find that a way of never finding the right person.

Many of you are probably married, and others may not be on this site. But as a Muslim, can I please get some advice. My parents plan on having me marry my cousin once I turn 23, which I won't agree to. I wan't someone out of my family, or generation. I want to meet someone else, someone new. To me a cousin is like a sibling, and it's weird if I marry my sibling.  Some people do marry their cousins, and live happy lives, and find it okay. Everyone has different opinions, and that's mine.

Also, being raised in the USA does a play a huge role in having you think negatively upon marrying a cousin, while in other places it's completely normal. I don't know honestly, that's just what I have been taught and live by. I also don't want anything dealing with arranged marriages. They almost never last, and the couples always never get along from what I have observed. I want to marry someone I know, and love but that seems impossible, and I'm only getting older.

Can I please just get advice on this whole Muslim marriage/couple thing! Or experiences you guys had, that will help me feel a little better, or more wiser, because to me this is all very confusing! Thank you.

-depressedx


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29 Responses »

  1. It's awesome that you have stayed away from dating! And its even more awesome that Allah has guided you to ask about how to get married in a halal way.

    Allah tells us in the Quran (can't remember the ayah reference and too lazy to look it up at the moment) that if we follow most of mankind, yani we'll just go astray. So even if the whole world dates, who cares.

    Islam does not advocate arranged marriage where you have no idea of the other person and you just get thrown together as if all you'll be working on is some science project for a class. Nope.

    I like to say Islam advocates planned marriage. This is when like say someone proposes pursuing marriage with you. In other words, guy or girl approach wali or other party in a halal way and say hey i wana get married and would like to pursue a dialogue with you to see if we're compatible. OR one party does research about the person they are interested in ... and they see the big ingredients are there that they want so they propose having a dialogue with a wali or mahram present. And then you discuss all the major areas of married life : islamic views/goals, education/work, kids, roles of husband/wife and inlaws, habits and preferences, requirements, financial views and goals, etc.

    If a person doesnt know who to get married to, try to see in your circle of friends or community if you can ask someone who you trust to recommend someone. If you feel attracted towards them and what you heard about, maybe someone can recommend you to them and if they feel comfortable and interested, maybe they could approach your dad to pursue things further.

    i can share with you how I got married. I didnt date also. Basically my dad had told a few ppl that he is looking to marry off his daughter or looking for someone for his daughter (this is the sunnah for a father to look) and so his friend knew a guy who was my husband's friend and my husband's friend knew my husband was looking. So my husband got in touch with my brother in law and my father and spoke to them briefly. My dad had seen him at the masjid before. We did some basic research about him and him about us. Then he came over our house..we would sit for HOURS with our 'list of discussion topics/questions' to discuss them while my dad or both my parents would sit with us. this continued for a while..many weeks..till we both decided to get married.

    The first meeting was a good time to guage whether there was attraction and chemistry. and thats when we introduced ourselves..talked about how we grew up and all of that.

    So then we did a nikkah after a few months from first meeeting and then we planned a wedding. and then we had a walima after a few months of nikkah.

    Simple.

    The way islam works is so neat. Dating basically sets up women in a weaker position and the man gets to enjoy the woman without any responsibility. It is true that the woman also 'enjoys' the man but women seek commitment and women are the ones who are often left hurt and abused and because we are emotional creatures, its not easy to get over man after man. and believe me, its an ugly way to find someone.

    The best thing to do is to ensure that the person meets your dunya requirements that you have including good character and then to ensure if they have deen. if they dont have deen at your level of requirement, then inshallah you would have rejected them on the basis of deen. Do not put deen second.

    I've seen ppl who ensured compatiblity or tried their best rather (asking ppl about the person, making istikhara, and also speaking to them personally) and alhamdulllah they have good solid marriages.

    Getting to know someone and gettig emotionally attached to them, falling in love and all of that..is one big fat recipe for disaster.

    dont get wrong. when two ppl are getting married and they arent like buddy buddy and all emotionally attached, that doesnt mean u dont like the person ALOT .. enough to marry them. it just means you have kept that distance which should be there before yur married. because that way if for any reason the marriage doesnt work out, yur not falling apart. you guarded your heart. your heart needs to be invested AFTER THE marriage. Also it is impermissible to get so close and act like yur all married before yur married. and it has no benefit..beleive me i know what im talking about.

    i am very happy that i went through my process the halal way. one of my relatives...married twice..first time didnt work out..second time went about things the way i did also..the halal way..and is very happy..he made deen a big priority and also ensured other things.

    there has to be overall compatibility in all the major areas of life including goals insh'allah. May Allah grant you success.

    if you are in college...and in touch with the MSA in your college, approach a sister who is mature and trustworthy and married. Put the word out there that yur looking. I think its also a good idea to have a serous talk with your parents and tell them that you do not wish to get married to your cousin and that marriage is a big part of your life n you wish to find someone compatible with you.

  2. halfyourdeen.com is also a good alternative. u can join 'wives of jannah' on facebook and see if the sister who runs it .. can be of any help. she is insh'allah a good sister, who is married and has been involved with marriage talks and such..u can look her up on youtube.com : megan whyte i think is her name.

  3. 1. Ask yourself:  Why am I getting married?
    ‘Because all of my friends are’ is not a legitimate reason. This is a good question to ask even if you are meeting the person to make a final decision because it will be a reminder about the real purpose of marriage from an Islamic perspective.

    Marriage, from an Islamic perspective, is part of faith and it is part of the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him).

    As well, “my intention should be I am looking for someone with whom I will build a family,” says Imam Muhammad of Missouri. He has conducted pre-marriage counseling in the U.S. for the last 20 years.

    “Marriage is a commitment and relationship that starts in this Dunya (world) and will continue Insha Allah in Paradise together,” he adds.

    2. Ask yourself: what am I looking for in a spouse.
    Abu Hurairah related that the Prophet Muhammad said: “Men choose women for four reasons: for their money, for their rank, for their beauty and for their religion, but marry one who is religious and you will succeed” (Bukhari, Muslim).

    This of course, applies to women as well.

    However, religion it seems, is not always foremost in the minds of many people. In fact, it’s probably the last factor on too many Muslims’ list.

    According to one of the seven volunteers who runs the Islamic Society of North America’s matrimonial service, being a doctor or a lawyer is much more important to many Muslim women than piety.

    And the men are not any better. Many matrimonial advertisements for instance, demonstrate a key demand for a wife who is “fair, slim and beautiful”.

    “If we want to have healthy Muslim families then Deen has to be first,” says the Director of Social Services for the Arizona Muslim Family Health and Social Services.

    She is one of the co-developers of the program “Marriage the Islamic way”, which teaches various aspects of marriage such as how to find a spouse, the wedding and the post-wedding marriage relationship with your spouse.

    3. If you’re looking for a spouse lower your gaze.
    This may seem like a contradiction, but it’s not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.

    “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do” (Quran 24:30).

    “And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms…” (Quran 24:31).

    “Scoping the territory”, from this perspective, would not be Islamically acceptable.

    Imam Nur Abdullah notes that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith:

    Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: The Prophet said: “When one of you asked a woman in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so. …” (Abu Dawud).

    This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare.

    Abdullah also notes there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other.

    However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying.

    He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or legally her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.

    4. Get someone to help
    Marriage is not something to throw yourself into all by yourself. Getting the help of someone, especially parents, relatives, an Imam, and/or respected and trustworthy members of the Muslim community to either look for the right spouse and initiate and participate in a communication process is very important.

    In fact, even some non-Muslims have come to see this as a more viable way of meeting someone instead of getting involved in the disappointing dating game or picking someone up in a nightclub or bar.

    Involving others, by the way, does not mean signing over your right to say yes or no to a marriage proposal. It simply increases the likelihood of finding out important information about a prospective partner in a way that maintains rules of Islamic modesty (i.e. not meeting alone, see next point).

    Getting that third party involved also helps verify if the person you are interested in is decent, honest and respectful. This person(s) often checks out references, asks about the individual’s character and behavior, and looks out for your best interest in general.

    This person should be a trustworthy Muslim, since you are seeking a Muslim in marriage, and would want someone familiar with the Islamic way of doing things.

    For those blessed with Muslim parents, remember that they are probably your best allies and helpers in seeking the right husband or wife. They have known you all of your life, and have your best interest at heart.

    However, parents must be open and attentive to what their children are looking for, and never forget the element of choice. Ultimately, it is their son or daughter who is going to make the final decision. They must never become too pushy or aggressive, whether this pressure is being applied on their own son or daughter, or on the person s/he is interested in.

    If parents, other family members, an Imam or members of the community are not available, you can also try seeking a husband or wife through the matrimonial services offered by a number of different Muslim organizations.

    Always ask for references

    This is also where your “third party” comes in handy. Not only will they be able to be your reference. They can also check out a prospective mate’s references.

    A reference can include an Imam who knows the brother who proposed to you, a sister who knows the woman you may want to marry well, a family friend, a boss, a co-worker, and/or business partner.

    A note about honesty and references: the people you ask may know something not very nice about your prospective spouse. Remind them that if they reveal this information, they would not be backbiting from the Islamic perspective. In fact, in the case of seeking marriage, complete information should be given about an individual, both good and bad.

    The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab can help in this regard:

    A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”
    “No.”
    “Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”
    “No.”
    “Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”
    “No.”
    “I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”
    “Yes.”
    “Go, for you do not know him…”
    And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”
    (quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)

    This gives you three types of people you can ask about a prospective mate’s character: a neighbor, business colleague or someone who has traveled with them.

    5. When you meet, don’t be alone
    Umar related that Rasulullah said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Shaytan makes a third” (Tirmidhi).

    Also, Ibn Abbas related that Rasulullah said: “Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative within the prohibited degrees” (Bukhari, Muslim).

    Meeting alone, in the hotel room of one or the other potential spouse for example, is forbidden.

    The two cannot be in a situation where no one else can see or hear them.

    Instead, a discreet, chaperoned meeting should be set up. The chaperone, while allowing the two to talk, is in the same room, for example.

    As well, parents or guardians should set a time limit, recommends an American social worker. A whole day, for example, is too long for this kind of a meeting.

    6. When you speak, be businesslike and to the point.
    The purpose of meeting and talking to each other must also remain within Islamic guidelines. That means no flirtatious speech of a sexual nature on either side.

    A contemporary Imam suggested that some of the topics discussed can include each other’s interests, financial situation of the man, who is Islamically responsible for providing for his wife and children, and the two potential spouses’ relationship with their parents.

    He notes that conversations between potential mates cannot be talking just for the sake of talking. There should be a firm and clear intention of either pursuing engagement and marriage, or, if one of the two or both the man and woman feel they are not compatible, a quick end to the relationship.

    This ensures both sides are safe from getting hurt more than they could in this kind of a situation and remain within the bounds of Islam, Insha Allah.

    Other topics that should also be discussed at the early stages include level of Islamic knowledge and practice, future career and education plans, home making skills and where the couple will live right after marriage and in the future (state and/or country).

    Seeking marriage is something highly recommended in Islam. While looking for a potential mate should be something Muslims help each other with, this cannot be done at the expense of Islamic rules pertaining to modesty and respect between the sexes.

  4. Salam,

    How do you still establish the personality of a person by meeting him/her a few times with mehrem?. As some people would put on an act, if they really want to marry you they will say what you want to hear. There may be many men who are in the deen and good looking with good jobs etc etc. Eveyone will say good things about them too because islamically you should hide someones sins so everyone will say everyone is good!

    So then how do you diffrentiate between these guys? How do you find out what they are really like? For example are they easy going, strict, humerous, quite, talkative, adventourous, passoinate or boring etc etc. How do you know that you will enjoy their company or get along with them on a personal level without spending more time with them or by talking to them more freely?

    As when we make friends we know exactly how they are ad we spent alot of time with them and pkayed and laughed with them we know their good and bad bits.

    So if we are going to marry someone and live with them for the rest of our life dont we need to find out as much as possible personally about them to help us decide. Because for women once ur married thats it! Your trapped! Then the husbands bad habits come out, then you relize his not the same person you met before the marriage and you dont like it! Then there is no going back.

    So islamically how far are you allowed to know someone?

    • Alaykumsalam,

      Lets see what Islam says about taking girlfriends/boyfriends for the purpose of the evil ideology 'getting to know each other/dating',

      "...(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture before your time when you have given their due Mahr, desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends. And whosoever disbelieves in Faith, then fruitless is his work; and in the Hereafter he will be among the losers
      [al-Maa'idah 5:5]

      And the Prophet said: “No man is ever alone with a (non-mahram) women but the Shaytaan is the third one present.” (Tirmidhi)

      “Do not come close to zina for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).” (Qur’an, 17:32)

      Now Allah would never forbid something unless its a disaster for us.
      Just ponder over this question and think of our present situation, Did our prophet ever dated and got married ?, Did any of the great sahabas ever done that ? Did any of the 'mother of believers' dated ? The simple answer is NO. Its forbidden. Just imagine, for the people to talk to the prophet's wives, they had to do it behind a screen for the sake of purity and now people want to 'date' ? Surely 'haya (modesty, shyness etc) ' has dissappeared due to weak iman.
      And Allaah said: “And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts” (al-Ahzaab 33:53)

      Sister, just because someone doesn't date, it doesn't mean that they can't find the right husband and their marriage is doomed. Do you know, statistics says that, 'dating' which leads to marriage, has in most cases been unsuccessful which will result in divorce ? And PLANNED arrange marriage is way more successfull. I would simply say its because of Allah's blessing and mercy in the latter. Do you also know that, majority of sexual abuse or rape or harassment etc happened to women by either their boyfriends or their male acquaintances and rarely by total stranger ?, do you know how many women life were destroyed due to dating ( broken heart, cheating, timepast etc ) ? Worst indeed is the outcome for the evil doers.

      Sister, there are many many ways to know a person's true nature, yes they may 'act' good in family meetings, but what makes anyone think that they won't act when they date ? If the 'getting to know each other/dating' method is used, both the girl and boy would go into 'actor' mode for long as they acheive what they desire (some mariage, some sex, some timepast etc). There are many many cases where marriage leads to divorce or fights etc because the husband or wife is terrible even after they both have dated for 3-4 plus years before marriage ? Didn't they "learn" or "know" each other well enough already ? One simple reason I believe is that, evil deed would never ever lead to success.
      Also, when a woman wants to 'date' a man and vice verse just for the purpose of 'getting to know each other' and they think they can be Islamic, they are wrong. Shaytan wouldn't go like " ok thats fine, do get to know each other for the sake of marriage, I won't interfere " lol. Once the shaytan see non-mahrams together, thats it, they are doomed. Shaytan shouldn't be underestimated or taken for granted. I can just go on and on and on about the absurdity of dating.
      Anyways, dating and few family meetings are not the only way to find out about an individual's true nature.

      Marriage is a major decision in life, it shouldn't be taken lightly with jokes like 'dating', It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life, it should be done with prayer, proper investigation and most important is family involvement (oh, how many family relationships are destroyed due to 'dating').

      Firstly, muslims ask Allah for help to find the right person, then the family (father/mother) would suggest, inquire or discuss potential candidate from among their social group. If they do find one, they should have a family meeting and discuss everything. Our prophet said, no man should be with a non mahram woman alone, she should be accompanied with her mahram. And Allah said to " Lower your gaze and gurad your modesty ".
      If they seem compatible, then they may further investigate by asking the potential suitor's family, friends, co-workers, education institute, Islamic institute etc of the persons character etc, and before coming to a final decision, salat al istikhara needs to be performed for divine guidance.
      They either marry or not, they cannot not forced. This type of planned marriage ensures success, because of elders wisdom and guidance which is based on careful objective evaluation and compatibility not solely based on fantasy romantic notion which would most likely be the case while dating.

      • "..I will surely make [disobedience] attractive to them on earth, and I will mislead them all." (Al Hijr :39)

        O Children of Adam! Let not Shaitan deceive you.." ( Al-Aaraf: 27).

        ". . . and follow not the footsteps of Shaitan. Surely he is to you an open enemy" (Al-Anaam: 142).

    • I believe (and this is my opinion.) That you need to meet with mahrams present over a more sustained period of time and in different contexts (at his home, at yours, out of the house.) This is my opinion.
      Of course never, ever alone.

      Over time, the true character does show rather than meeting 3x (where it's easier to act nice and good.) The only risk you run with meeting more times is you need to have a 'deadline' and it shouldn't be indefinitly - and must be for the purposes of getting to know one another for marriage. Not social chit chat.

      It's not for everyone - some can do it without falling into that trap, whereas others can't. My opinion is that there is actually quite a bit of leeway in getting to know someone for marriage.
      I went to a talk last year and apparently the Islamic rules are:
      - No contact before marriage (physical)
      - Man and woman must not be alone together in a quiet place - so have a mahram present ideally or at the very least a pious married sister friend, just never alone.
      - Dont meet, converse or talk after maghrib (unless it's at home with parents there.)

      Allah knows best - there might be more. But one has to be careful to avoid getting emotionally involved before marriage. It clouds your emotions!

      Also dating someone does not necessarily mean you know someone - because that's an act too! Just a different sort of act.

      They recommend finding out about the brother in question - ask around (discreetly) - ask people who are trustworthy and who know him.
      Dont be paranoid, but know what to look out for. Does he interrupt, does he get angry, how does he speak to his mother, how does he speak about his brothers, sisters, friends? How does he speak about himself? Is he willing to admit his own weaknesses when the topic is discussed.

      Also look at how his family treat you... of course they need time between meetings, but how long are they taking. If it's weeks and weeks of hearing nothing and then suddenly they want you to drop everything at one days notice then either the family are super busy (which is valid) or you may have to think about it - so just be aware of particular behaviour. It doesnt mean that the family are bad if they do this, but it's just: are they compatible with you and your family. If you are used to that then, Alhumdulilah.

      It's these little things that are problems. Also look at the sort of questions the brother asks (and his family asks) because it says a lot about his character and his expectations:

      A marriage partner is different from friends. One of the things I have learnt on my journey to finding a spouse is you need to know yourself well - that is essential. How can you know what you want in a spouse if you dont know yourself?

      So it's about being smart and learning to gage people. When you are out and about listen more, talk less. You learn a lot. Don't ever think of a prospective not working out as a waste - it never is. It's a learning experience and InshaAllah a step closer to finding the right one.

      - So I think to know someone: you have to know yourself, and be happy and comfortable in yourself.

      - Know what you are looking for (not a prescriptive list but of course things like 'deen and character' and whatever is important to YOU. Never let anyone tell you what it SHOULD be. I know sisters feel unsure a lot and seek advice fromothers. That's fine as long as you be true to yourself as well.

      - Know what you are NOT looking for

      - Be open minded and think objectively when getting to know someone.

      - Get references and get him checked out by asking others (Islamically it is actually allowed to follow someone on their journey to see how they interact etc. but it's a bit freaky and stalkerish depending on which country you are from. I personally dont do it, but some do lol.)

      - Istikhaarah, Istikhaarah and more Istikhaarah.
      Allah knows whats best for you, and no one knows this prospects true character except Allah, so ask Him and trust Him. This was the make it, break it for me. I met one prospective (within Islamic boundaries of course) who seemed perfect for me in 99% of ways. Families got on well, same aspirations, ideas, personalities, chemistry, good deen and seemingly good character and decent looking. Ticked all boxes on both sides.

      But everytime I did istikhaarah I would have concerns about a few particular things, but naturally I assumed it was just natural worries. I felt as though I didnt know him well enough. But it continued. I also had some terrible dreams. In the end, I asked Allah sincerely to take it away if it's bad and give it to me if its good. In my own language. I asked him that if this marriage/brother/family will harm me or my family then remove it. And if these are just irrational fears then take the fears away and unite us in marriage. Fast forward - Allah took it away from me without me having to do anything! I was a bit upset at the time naturally, but I knew he wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for him for whatever reason and Allah knew best. Doesnt mean we're bad people - but my fears were not my own - they were my instincts and I didnt realise!

      But Allah answered my dua and He saved me, Alhumdulilah. Otherwise I probably would have married the brother so yes. Always do istikhaarah and go with your feeling. Do it a few times to confirm but be true to yourself.
      So I am biased - but honestly Istikhaarah is soo important! Never, ever leave it.
      If you can make this dua at the time of breaking the fast - it's even better!

      And ask Allah to protect you from all those things you fear and give you strength, eman and a loving pious husband who will walk with you on the path to Allah.
      I pray He grants you and all those searching pious spouses.
      Ameen!
      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. @ sumaira,who said there was no going back?

    • Salam,

      What I mean sister is that after the marriage if the wife finds that the husband is not who he portrayed himself as she cant just divorce him because divorce is hated for women in islam. WOmen can only ask for a divorce in exceptional circumstances! I.e. If the husband is beating her or he is taking drugs or not providing for her.

      Even then if she does get a divorce she can not go back to her life before as she will be a divorcre, a non virgi. There will be less opportunity for her to choose from good guys as most muslim men prefer single women etc etc.

      So marriage cannot be rushed you have to find out as much as possible about the potential suiters.

      • Salaam.

        Divorce is hated in Islam full stop for a man or for a woman but it is permissible if both have tried to make the marriage work to the best of their ability.
        Islam does not place restrictions on women

  6. asalamu alaikum,

    join matrimonial sites i.e singlemuslim.com. one brother i know he attended a weekend course on marriage, and they gave him a month membership on a matrimonial site.

    when you looking for a man to marry, you look for 2 things 1. his charecter and 2. religion. if those to criteria is met then you should accept. if his charecter and religion is good then he wont lie,mistreat others, cheat etc and will always fear Allah(swt) above anyone or anything, and be extremely cautious in what he says or does.

    sadly nowadays its all about money, education, big house etc. so my advice is find a brother with good charecter and deen, and leave the rest to Allah(swt).

    you need someone to help you in your deen and vise-versa, both having one goal in mind, that is jannah.

    ma salama

  7. one more thing i would like to add, you said "and they say if you don't date how will you find the one who is right for you."

    if that was the case then how come majority of people been who have dating since the age of 13, now in their 40's are still looking for the one?. you also have people who been dating over 10 years but still hesitant in getting married cos they not 100% sure if this is the right one. and you have people who been married for over 15years, been together since their teens but then get a divorce. you probably thought if someone is together over 15years this meant they are destined to be together, wrong if that was the case then so many long term marriage's wouldnt have ended in divorce.

    remember people can change and no one knows what the future holds execpt allah(swt). and if any muslim says if you don't date how will you find the one who is right for you? dont believe a word they say. how could a muslim tell you to do haraam to justify his/her action?

    look at the psychology they using. i hope it makes sense.

    ma salama

  8. Ladies,

    I would not recommend joining an Internet matchmaking website. I can speak for many, many Muslim women living in the west who have found that venue very misleading and demoralizing. Many of the men are not what they initially present themselves to be.

    If you feel it is your only option, ask a parent or someone to sift through the profiles and make the initial intro's.

    Half our Deen is a money grab. Stay away.

    On sSinglemuslim.com, while free (which is good), I have primarily been contacted by men 15-20 years younger than myself who reside in the Gulf. Some of them are from India/Pakistan and working in the hotel industry in the UK. I often ask them why they are interested in someone who can be their mother. They will often tell me that they hope I can sponsor them for immigration purposes.

    Try to ask your friends to help you meet someone, or join Muslim social groups where it is likely for your path to cross with another Muslim. This may or may not prove fruitful depending on where you live and the population of single Muslims in your area.

    • I know many couples who have met through Muslim matrimonial websites. As the owner of such a website, I've received many emails from couples who met, got married, had children and are living happy lives, Alhamdulillah. I myself am single now (divorced) and I placed a profile on such a site, and though I have had a few bad experiences (one woman turned out to be a scammer, and others have seemed not quite serious), there have been a few promising leads and I have not given up.

      The other avenues you mentioned are good as well, of course.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I know people who have met on websites too, but overall the experience by myself and many of the muslim women of my cohort has been similar to the one I have described in my email. While it is a way to find someone, but it is very distasteful.

        All of my experiences described above are 100% true and were generated by experiences on at least 4 different muslim-only websites, and have occurred over the past 6 years. The other disturbing pattern I (and other muslim women I have spoken to) have noticed is that men from North America/UK will state that they grew up in the U.S. (or Canada or England), but when you actually talk to them they can barely speak English and do not even have permanent residency/green card/legal status.

        I grew up with very respectable mulsims. No one "guilded the lily" and there were no liars or illegal immigrants in the circles that my parents associated with or that I met through friends and family. That is why the online world has been so distasteful. I've also been asked very unusual questions about my parents' financial and social ties in their country of origin -- which they left almost 60 years ago and which I have absolutely no association whatsoever.

        However, I think muslim men may have a difference experience with the online matchmaking. The point of my comment was to warn women that you will be sifting through a lot of dubious characters. I haven't given up either but I wouldn't say that it is what Islam envisioned when it forbade dating. Islam envisioned a scenario where families who knew other families would suggest potential spouses based on their knowledge of the potential's moral, personality, and other habits and characteristics. In that way, there were no secrets or surprises or guessing games.

      • may Allah grant u a pious spouse brother, and all of us, jus came across ur comments while reading thru

  9. subhanallah all i can say is subhanallah
    iam not going to answer ur question since i have no knowledge concerning that
    i just wanna share 1 thing
    today morning i was asking my self how could i find my partner in life since never dated before
    i asked my self is there in there in the world poeple who never dated in their teens
    i had big issue answering this question and didnt wanna ask any 1 since our family is religous
    and didnt want them to say i was thinking of girls or making fun of me
    but reading ur post answered my question
    i thank allah that there is people like u in this world
    i ask allah to help u

    • Thank you everyone. All of your responses have opened my eyes, and made me more positive in staying away from dating , which is a haraam act. I enjoyed the stories some of you guys shared, and all the advice you guys have given me. I really appreciate it, and i'm just happy you guys understood me and didn't judge me. May Allah help you guys as well with any problem that you guys are facing now . ( Ameen ).

      • Salam sister, was interested in knowing if you have got married now and how it ended up happening ? barak Allah feeki

    • Thank you (Abdullah) , that means a lot . May Allah help you as well !

  10. Hi I am parshaan, i like this guy and he liked me too...

    • ministar, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. I never dated too n I had same opinions regarding cousins. Today I m 29 n single. All the girls I knew were dating n they got married or engaged. U should seriously consider thinking why u don't wanna marry ur cousin.

    • Even I never dated and I am 30 (unmarried). I was always scared of guys and frankly speaking with them. I met a Hindu guy who wanted to marry me but because of religion differences things did not work. I thought better not to continue it. Don’t have option of marrying a cousin cause they are much elder to me.

      Today I stand depressed and hopeless as I am aging. Parents are searching but it is taking time. May Allah Ta’ala bless us and keep us on right track. Ameen.

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