Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to behave with relatives who hurt and hate and backbite all the time?

Asslam O Alaikum,

I have two problems. My husband's mother is a very vicious wicked woman. From the day this marriage has been arranged she has been torturing us. she has spread several malicious rumours about my character to my family and husband and relatives. My husband is kind and trusts me so I have no problem on his end but I am unable to face my relatives or people we know. She has even told my husband's friends that we eloped together when in fact it was she herself who arranged our marriage. She spraeds rumous about me and my family saying we are invoved in black magic and stuff. She has assaulted me once, she made a false police complaint about me which she withdrew herself, she assaulted my mom when my parents came to me visit me.

She insults my father, she even went as far as spreading rumours that my mother was having an illicit affair with my husband, she has told them very clearly that they are not to attend her janaza (funeral). So unable to bear all this; we moved out of my husband's house and started separately, the only reason we lived with them was because we did not want to leave them alone. My father in law is alive but he is totally under her control and scared of her. So, he does nothing. On several occasions due to my parents guidance I have tried making peace with her. (mostly what I do is just avoid her I do not talk to her neither visit her, but my husband talks to them visits them and provides financial assistance). When I make peace with her and try to talk and move with her normally, she starts all her antics again. Last Ramadan; I made peace with them, but we are not on speaking terms come this Ramadan.

I hate her. She is a vicious, wicked old lady. I want to cut off all ties with her but yet I am scared, she refuses to talk to me now. She pretends as if I am dead. I want her to suffer. I can't face people; I can't face my relatives out of shame. We used to be a very respectful religious family, now people talk about us as if we are very bad people who do all the bad things and hide behind the cloak of Islam. I want to see her punished but I am afraid to put my husband in the position to choose between his mother and me. Since I don't want him to go to hell! nether do I want to go to hell or be punished for being mean, and wicked to a relative. However, all her deeds have affected me very badly, I have shut my self up and become a recluse, I am scared and ashamed to face people since I do not know what they think of me because of this woman.

I hate her so much; I want to see her suffer, I want Allah to torture her for the pain she has put me and my family through but I am afraid to do anything to her myself because she is my husband's mother. My parents are constantly telling me to be patient, I can't be patient I get very angry and have a very short temper so the only way I know of handling this situation is by avoiding her. However, since Ramadan is here; I am afraid to hold grudges, but I really don't have the strength to face or deal with her anymore. I am afraid that all the rage I have buried deep within me will erupt one day and that I might do something I regret! Please, Ya Allah must save me. This is causing me lot of stress and depression everyday that I see her alive, I regret that Allah has not punished her after all the tortures me and my family have endured at her hands. So please somebody tell me what am I to do?

The second problem is some relatives I have; these people constantly cause problems within the family who are united, this family is my mothers sister  and her children, all  they do is insult people, gossip about them , backstab and cause fight among the rest of the family by their evil speech. They don't leave any occasion peacefully whether it be a funeral or a weddng house all what they do is argue and start fights. So, if we have a family function and they attend, you can be sure that at the end of the day brothers will leave with anger and hate and never talk to each other ever again. Also they use religion as their reason argue and fight, that is the worst part. On several occasions, I have been hurt and humiliated by these people. because of them my family and i have had problems I find it peaceful and calm and happy when we have nothing to do with them. Considering the harm they have done, I don't want to have anything to do with them either but since its blood relative, my mothers sister and her children, please advice on what I should do?


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15 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I hope you don't find this offensive, but from the way your post reads it sounds like your whole family is full of drama. Personally, I don't think it does any good for the focus to be on the constant antics of what others may be doing, so let's just focus on what YOU can do.

    First of all, the most poignant thing I see you need to hone in on is your anger. You admitted you tend to have a lot of rage and anger. Usually people who have anger issues have been struggling with those emotions all their lives. You didn't just start being angry when you married and gained a mother in law, and you won't stop being angry if she were to be taken out of the equation. Your problem with anger is your own, no one placed it on you. You have to begin by taking responsibility for your anger, and start learning ways to control it.

    I'm not saying that it's your fault that you have an anger problem. We all have a nafs, and Allah saw fit to give all of us areas to struggle with. Some of us struggle with lust, some of us struggle with vanity, some with depression, and some with anger. It doesn't make any of us better or worse off than anyone else around us, it's just the area we need to put our focus on. So in your case, you need to manage that temper a little better. It doesn't matter what triggers it, you can still take steps to handle it better when it comes up.

    When you find yourself getting angry, first of all tell yourself that you anger is your own struggle. It's not the fault of whoever might've done something wrong. Take responsibility for your state and emotions. Next, move away from the triggering situation and person. Get a cold glass of water, and go outside if you are inside. Take a walk somewhere, and try to relax your breathing. Look around you at all the magnificent creation of Allah, and thank Him for His blessings in your life. If you are outside, go inside. Sit down and try to calm your body, even if it means laying down and taking a nap or reading a book. Make dua to Allah to help you control your feelings and actions while you are angry. I promise you, with time and practice, these steps will help you become more in control of your anger.

    Because after all, what does anger serve us? We start having thoughts like you mentioned- thoughts of revenge and wanting to see people suffer and be hurt. Even if they were to suffer, it wouldn't solve the problem, nor would it undo the hurt feelings that are underneath all that rage. The truth is, by keeping your anger and feeding it with thoughts of what other people are doing against you, you are only giving them power to keep you weak and reactionary. You don't want that, and you weren't created for that. You were created to increase your self-control, and master the areas of weakness in yourself. Don't give keep giving that power away to others by letting them push your buttons. Take the control back by making the right choices as you react to situations that come up.

    In the end, you cannot control what they do. If the whole world is cracked up and we are the only sane ones, we still have to be true to ourselves. It's sad that there could be people who spend their time and energy making others look bad and backbiting, but in the end Allah is the only one who will judge you. Even though it hurts, their opinions and thoughts about you have no value at all, because they are based on lies. The best thing you can do is start putting all of your energy and focus into helping others in the community or being a charitable person with your time: volunteer at an orphanage or shelter, and help others in need. Become so busy being a compassionate, caring person that anyone who says otherwise will be laughed off. Proving others wrong by diligent and righteous action is a much better payback than any type of painful revenge you might imagine!

    -Amy Editor

  2. Masha'Allah well said sister Amy, Sister do not go beyond Asalamu Alaykum with your inlaws just stay quite and smile let them think what they will of you as long as your husband is on your side and sees whats going on, as for the others every family has its trouble makers the usual suspects who love the drama let them get on with it seriously they can only hurt you if you let them,

    • MashaAllah couldn't agree more wiv zeena......just go wiv ur parents of being patient Allahs knos all n just one day like dis, dey will go mum faced the same problem wiv her mother in law plus her mum's side, d same situtation but those who backbite will never stopdats one thing u have to kno just be urself ma dear sister.......ALLAH SWT WILL REWARD U D BEST INSHAALLAH

  3. salaam, sister m going through a lot and m very stressed plz give me ur e-mail id or plz can u mail me as i want share my situation personally plz any one.

    • heena, we do not allow the exchange of personal contact info here.

      Wael Editor

    • Dear sister,

      assalamu alaykum, I can understand your situation.May Allah ease your pain. why dont you share your pain and situation here, as it is not allowed to have personal contacts. the sisters here and I will listen to you, empathize with you, and share our views on your situation and help in any way possible. Please do not keep it to your self and suffer alone. May Allah Bless you and ease your suffering. with love.

  4. Assalamu alaikum sisters.

    Jazakallah for all your responses.

    Dear sister amy, zeena, mariam
    i have a tremendous problem with my temper. i do try my best at all times to control my anger. but when i end up suppressing my anger i end up blowing off a fuse at the wrong time with the wrong person. My loving and patient husband ends up bearing the brunt of my anger most of the times. i have taken anger management classes, read books , tried to follow different techniques, but they never work for me. i think the key to controlling my anger is by forgiving myself and all those ppl who have wronged me. but when i forgive them ad try to get over a thing they have done , before i could turn back and look there will be another incident again. and i am back to square one and must try to get over it all over again. like sister amy said there is no limit to the drama and antics in this family of mine 🙁

    as much as i try to control and follow the techniques, for example sitting down if your standing, drinking a glass of water, counting slowly, i forget all of them half way through my anger and only calm down after i have done something. But the only good thing i can say about my anger habbit is that i only show and act on my anger with ppl who are close and loving to me example my husband, my parents, my siblings. as much as i hate the fact that i am hurting them in the process i am thankful that they are pateint and ever lovng to me. i do not fight openly or express my anger to the rest of the ppl who annoy and hurt me, example my husbands mother, my aunt and cousins my reaction to them is to just ignore them and pretend as if they do not exist. when i see them i smile and say salam, but then after that i dont engage in any kind of conversation with them. i keep my distance as muh as possible. in fact i have moved away to another country in order to escape my husbands mothers tyranny and we live all alone.

    dear sisters, these problems are affecting me in ways that are hard to express , i spend my time crying and worrying most of the time, it causes me mental pain to even think of these problems. I constantly dream/ have nightmares in which i see myself being publicly humiliated and accused of things that i have not done, i wake up with pain in my mind. i dream of people arguing and fighting and getting violent. i always dream of people hurting me. i moved away from all these people to escape all these but now i miss my family endlessly, ( i mean my parents and siblings and immediate family who do not cause problems.) i can go on and on. i do not seek advice to change them, i have no such intentions, i just want to know how i should behave and deal with these peeple and the situations they stir up. how can i stop these things from causing me distress and heart pain. actually it is not only me , my siblings and some of the rest of the cousins also get affected by the actions of these stupid actions of our relatives

    Situation # 1

    how should i behave with my mother in law? she doesnt talk to me, sha keeps on insulting me , her own son and my family, she keeps spreading rumours, backbiting and slandering. there is nothing that could please her, infact sha has said openly and on several occasions that the only thing that would make her happy is that if my husband were to divorce me and move in back with her, give her full control over his finances, she has told my parents that she does not want to have anything to with me or them and that we are not to attend her or my Father in laws funeral. not associate with them, not to come to their house for anything good or bad this is her ultimatum. Now please tell me how do i behave with her? will i be punished if i avoid her and not talk to her ??(casue frankly , she not talking to me or my family and not insulting us and hurting us has given me a lil bit peace of mind) willl my good deeds be refused when brought in front of Allah ?? will my husband be punished for not divorcing me and going back to his mother?? is it ok if i maintain this distance, not invite her to my family functions , and pretend as if she does not exist? how should i treat her?

    situation #2
    My uncle bought a land from a father less boy for half the price, My father and uncle refuse to have anything to do with him since they say that he has cheated and wronged a yateen. while he was trying to do it, My father, uncles, brothers everybody tried their best to stop him, put some sense into his head, and prevent him from doing this, however he refused, not only has he not payed them the full price , he keeps delaying to pay the money he promised them, Now My father refuses to talk to this uncle, face him, visit him, or allow him to visit my mother ( uncle is my mothers brother) he openly scrons him, and also refuses to have anything to do with the other uncle , since he did nothing to stop his brother from doing the haraam deed. This has torn the family into half, My mother is always sad and depressed and misses her brothers, we as childrren miss having the unity and loving environment we had growing up. is what my father doing is correct? i refuse to judge and sabotage my relatioships with my uncles because my father has forbidden to do it. I love them, I know he did a haraam thing and i too did my share in trying to prevent it, i hate what he did to those poor boys, but when i look at my Mother , how sad she is and the fact that my father Always scolding and forbidding my mother from seeing or having anything to do with her brothers anger me. what should i do?? how should ii behave with this uncle and his family? will it be haraam for me to enter his house or eat his food , knowing that he did cheat and steal land from those yateen? is it alright if we avoid him and cut off ties with his due to his haraam act? do we have the right to judge a person and cut off ties with him due to his open haraam acts?? please tell me what to do and how to behave?

    situation #3

    I have written about this aunt's family in my post, i know that My aunt is my blood relative and that i am not allowed to cut off ties with her for ay stupid reasons.But what about her Children? they are my cousins, is it compulsory that i maitain my ties with them by Visiting them, Invitiing them for functions and ateending their ceremonies , having experienced and knowing very well that it will only end up in arguments and problems among the family? they make islam , hadiths, shariah one of the main reason for their fights, i hate arguing and fighting over islam and what we beleive and judging others for their mistakes. these people make this a reason to cause discord among the united and friendly people also. this apart from the jealousy and backbiting and turning people against eachother by gossiping. what to do? how do i treat these people?here too will i be punished for avoiding them and keeping them at a distance, willit be okay if i dont invite them or take part in their functions, I will attend their janaza and stuff, but avoid weddings and such functions and not invite them for mine? is that okay? is it allowed?

    please dear sisters, Give me clear answers as in how to behave , react and treat people in each situation. I have no peace of mind, since i am very afraid of what i will be punished for, and that my good deeds will not be accepted.

    Jazakallahu Khairan

  5. oh my sis I know what you are going through and I pray Allah ends this trial for you soon

    My advice is what I was advised, put distance between yourself and people who are giving you trouble - ESPECIALLY your mother in law.

    Everyone is saying you are the problem because of your anger - sis if they had to endure what you are putting up with many people wouldn't be able to bear it.

    Your parents are telling you to be patient - guess what so did mine and I almost commit suicide. I took a knife and went to the kitchen - it was more than I could bear. Also I discovered my dear darling mother in law was poisoning me and my little girl with sihr.

    Your mental state of mind is the most important thing - forget what everyone else is saying. Take care of yourself sis - Allah gave you a brain dont submit and be a slave and victim that is NOT Islam that is culture.

    Take care honey - I have been suffering for many years - we've moved away from my in laws because of the simply audacious things they were doing. EVERYONE was telling us to do sabr for gods sake which point do you call the end line? When someone kills themself?!

    Only one of my friends who was well versed in her deen knew what she was talking about and pulled me back from the brink. When we spoke to well learned muslims who were not culturally biased they also advised us to move away for our families stability.


  6. I am also going through this situation ; it is becoming difficult for me to face the backbitting habits of my MIL and SIL ; and pinpointing me on small home chores ; i am really getting frustated and effecting the relationship with my husband; As because of his family behavior im getting insulted day by day and he never take my side in any matter considering that he is only son in his family
    It has been feeded in his mind that I (his wife) am always wrong in all aspects; I am desparetly looking for any good advice as these things are bothering me alot which ultimately affecting my married life and my 11 months old son as well as i am not teking care of him in way he deserves

  7. I have a cousin that was emotionally abused as a child and is now having problems communicating with relatives in the family. It is almost like paranoia. She looks and listens very close trying to find fault with anything that I say and has now turned on me. I think I am the last relative that was talking to her.

    I don't know how to help her. She is in therapy with a psychologist and I am hoping this will help. It is like she lives in hell because everyone does something wrong to her. She will not be verbal -----she writes mean terrible letters after the fact. I know this is typical of low self esteem.

    I wish I could help her

  8. Salaam wa alaikum wa barakatuhu,

    Be overjoyed! You, and I and everyone who has to deal with backbiting and slandering will get their good deeds! AND as is most likely that they will all run out of good deed before they are finished paying out their good deeds to the ones they have hurt, you can unload your bad deeds on them! YAY. You may very well enter paradise with out a blemish even if you are imperfect in your practice of Islam, simply because the backbiter can't help themselves. Become more sincere in your prayers and remember that you are favored by Allah, because the believers are always hated by the kufar and the munafiq. These people are trying to raise themselves up by degrees, when only Allah can determine a person's station. Subhanallah!

    Send your backbiters a beautiful gift, wrapped in fine paper, tied with beautiful bows, and include a card with beautiful embossed letters that sates:

    My dear beloved Mother in law, sister in law, relative, You have done me the greatest honor by bestowing your good deeds upon me through your slander and backbiting, and an even greater favor by willingly taking on my bad deeds. How gracious of you to enter the hell fire for me!

    They will never stop backbiting you and everyone else. Imagine how long the lines of people seeking payment from them will be! Think about all of the good deeds they do for show. You can have their fasting. You can have their Hajj. You can have their recitation of Quŕan and thier prayers. You can have their hijab, and their zakat. The sadaqa and their testimony of La illaha illalallah all belong to you! If you miss some prayers or had to take out a loan, or if you committed some sin like Zina or you used to drink or you tried to kill yourself--- you may have the chance to free yourself from these burdens through their backbiting! Allah is indeed wise and all knowing!

  9. Even iam facing the same problem but here's the story of my father inlaw.

  10. dear sister
    all of us in this world,whether a beleiver or non beleiver are tested by allah in one or several ways.take this backbiting and slandering as a test from Allah.think even prohet Mohammed(PBUH) were treated very badly by naif incident..ask allah strenghth to bear all i say this bcoz i face the same,,,but from the stepmother in law and fatherin law

  11. Dear Brothers & Sister, Salaam alaikum

    My view point is as a husbands, and dear sisters I have witnessed your pain.
    It breaks my heart to watch as my parents put my wife though so much. I'm not saying my wife is perfect, she has made mistakes such as argue and talk back to them... but she always repented and admitted where she was wrong. Unfortunately my parents never have done that and now there bad deeds have gone beyond anything I could ever imagine. To the point where they use their power and wealth to challenge and oppress her parents. My other family members are always on the fence about this, but I don't blame them, as they are in the middle anyway.

    My only choice is to take my wife away from the family in order to protect her honour and her state of mind... and I'll tell you something... I have no regrets. Even I am at more peace being away. It is better to distance yourself and take care of yourself then force a solution which is not ready. Only Allah knows when my parents will calm down.

    Even during this separate they are constantly backbiting to all their friends and family... even around the globe. Those who don't agree with them, they then argue with them.

    Even I can't do or say anything to them anymore...

    So my conclusion is let them continue as it will benefit you long term. Keep check of your anger and just focus on your life.

    May Allah bless us all and give us the strength to handle these hard times.

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