Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to deal with shakk? It’s ruining my life…

suspicion 1

Assalamu alaikom all,

I am 32 years muslim man. I got married to a white girl in 2011, she is from here in Scandinavia. She used to work with me and  she fell in love with me but I said to her "I cant be with you unless you study Islam and become muslim so I will think about marrying you". I felt nothing for her but I had sympathy for her because I found her very caring, loving and kind - she always tried her best to help me. She had some good values already ,and then she reverted to Islam after studying it. Then I decided to marry her. First I thought I would marry her but I will leave her if I find her not practicing Islam because I was not trusting her if she is reverting for me only because of her emotion. I was not thinking about her past, maybe because I was not in love with her. But after getting married we started living with each others after a month or two ... I started feeling uncomfortable with her and mostly upset all the time. This thing got worst when I checked her phone and emails that made me so angry and depressed. BTW she trusts me a lot and she gives me access to everything (but I dont give her access to anything my personal).

I want to tell you little about me. I am not very good Muslim but I always tried and wanted to be. I am very conservative. I never trusted any woman in my life because of my past mistakes and because of my childhood. I believe no woman is loyal, but her case was different because I thought if she becomes a muslim I wouldn't have any problem but now I have doubts in my head most of the time.

When I see something odd in her attitude or in her car, closet and bags anywhere I assume things which are very bad and it makes me feel so helpless anxious and angry and now I am thinking about her past. Sometimes I feel she doesn't deserve me because I used to think I am too good to her - she needs me I am not the one who needs her. She always try to please me and I do the same after getting married because I want to be good husband. Sometimes she doesn't feel interest in intercourse and it makes me feel that she has lost interest in me. I felt love for her after marriage and when I start living with her because she has been so caring and loving to me. But now I have doubts in my head like she hides thing from me or she has some secret lover. Wherever I go from home and when she goes outside I have weird thoughts in my mind and this is effecting my life and my health.

I want to leave her but I can't because now she is my wife and it will be too shameful to me if I leave her and other than this she will be hurt and she will never believe in any muslim again and I don't wanna be unfair by doing so - I dont wanna go to hell because of this. Now I want to deal with it. If I want to live with her I don't want any doubts because I can't stand it and I don't know how to deal with it.If she is cheating on me or something then how can I know and be sure about it?

abu_adnan

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17 Responses »

  1. I think now u have fallen for your wife and any idea of her with someone else hurts u, I know it might b hard but u should trust her, she's nkt keeping anything hidden from e.i. Her phone and email pw. Maybe ur th one hiding from her n u think since ur doing she might be as well.. Open up to her, she's now ur wife. Just because ur a jealous husband isn't a excuse enough to leave ur wife.

    Pray about it n let go of that fear.

  2. AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother,

    The ability to trust a person you have chosen and judged to be good, doesn't have anything to do with the other person. It has all to do with yourself. I think you already know this.

    The pain and fear you feel in your heart- it is between you and Allah, not you and your wife.

    If you don't think your thoughts will drive you to hurt your wife; physically or emotionally, then try not to leave her. She has opened her whole life up to you, and made herself vulnerable to you. Imagine that your job is to protect her from the pain and deception you have experienced. Imagine that you are to protect her- even if from yourself.

    I am sure she is not an angel. I am sure she makes mistakes in her daily life, and does things that you wouldn't like, but she is a new Muslim. What's more; she is human! If you care about her sincerity the way you say you do, then you will understand this and guide her gently.

    From what you have written, I really understand the way she loves you. It will be a shame if you lose that. Do what it takes to get a hold of yourself.

    Your answer to finding peace is not in making sure she is not cheating. Your peace is in your good relationship with Allah swt.

    Hana

  3. read ALLAH x100 everyday
    no shakk no doubt!
    and dont leave her cuz u want to were here to sacrifice things for Allah. sacrifice ur happiness and Allah will reward u abundantly afterlife.
    and read ayat ul kareema x100
    She is ur wife men should know how important a wife is.
    She will leave islam if u show thats the way to treat a wife cuz u have had enough with her. Your gunna give her the image of a bad husband and a bad religion. Dont be ashamed . Be Afraid of the azab in the Kabar (grave) and on the day of judgment and when ur soul is going to come out, it's gunna hurt it's gunna rip ur muscles and veins and everything inside. dont be afraid of the worldly life. Have strong faith in Allah. You told her to become a muslim and look at u the way ur treating her.
    Put ur trust in Allah dont make ur imaan weak. You know that the shiytan is ur worst enemy , he wants u to go to hell. he's gunna backk off and make u regret. ONLY if i had another chance i wudnt have , but there will be no other chances. Dont u think for a second Allah isnt watching Allah is watching and he wants the ummah to repent for there mistakes, just dont go for the looks cuz Allah wont be looking at who was well dressed and who looked more beautiful Allah is gunna look at the heart that beats every second .
    You need to contact Allah for some support. You need to pray salah and bow to ur lord (Allah the king of all kings . everytime u pray think of all the blessings that Allah has granted us with and think of the unfortunate ones . We are all gunna taste death. So be prepared. Keep yourself busy with islam so u dont have time thinking about the bad stuff. Things are gunna make u cry but thats the tread to Allah ur tears Allah wants u to ask from him not from anyone else . Ask for forgivness before the doors close of thobah. May Allah guide us all (ameen). put ur trust dont loose it.

  4. oh btw reading astagfar continiously keeps ur heart pure it gets rid of rust and other diseases.

  5. OP: She used to work with me and she fell in love with me but I said to her "I cant be with you unless you study Islam and become muslim so I will think about marrying you".......... First I thought I would marry her but I will leave her if I find her not practicing Islam because I was not trusting her if she is reverting for me only because of her emotion. I was not thinking about her past, maybe because I was not in love with her. But after getting married .. ... I started feeling uncomfortable with her and mostly upset all the time. This thing got worst when I checked her phone and emails that made me so angry and depressed. BTW she trusts me a lot and she gives me access to everything (but I dont give her access to anything my personal).......I want to tell you little about me. I am not very good Muslim but I always tried and wanted to be. I am very conservative. I never trusted any woman in my life because of my past mistakes and because of my childhood. I believe no woman is loyal, but her case was different because I thought if she becomes a muslim I wouldn't have any problem but now I have doubts in my head most of the time.

    You need psychotherapy.

    • Shokraan i was expecting such answers here .I have been seeing a psychologist but it doesn't work .

      When i mentioned sometimes i think i am too good for her its because she said this to me because i was virgin ,younger and handsome.

      I dont care about her age or past all i want to trust her and build up this relation better so when i die i will not go to hell,

      • OP: But after getting married .. ... I started feeling uncomfortable with her and mostly upset all the time. This thing got worst when I checked her phone and emails that made me so angry and depressed.

        You started feeling uncomfortable and upset all the time with your wife without any reason after marriage. I have a feeling you are very insecure man who thinks he is not good enough and his wife will have affairs with drop of a hat.

        You should not have married a Western woman. You should have married a burqa wearing woman who stayed inside her home 24/7 every week. All men and women are almost same if given equal freedom. With Internet and cell phones men and women can have friends even without leaving their homes.

        A psychologist can't change your belief about women, that no woman can be loyal. Do you think all men are loyal?

        I

        • I am here to ask suggestion according islamic teaching if those psyycology therapy works why would i come here?yes i wanted to get married to the girl who wears burq and stays at home but i married to that girl to get ajar and i think you are an insecure woman yourself .As I said i am not good muslim but i have very strong faith in Allah and after him i trust myself more than anything Hamdolillah .Thank you anyway.

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    The problems you describe don't really seem about this woman at all. In fact, I'm impressed by how tolerant she is being of your behaviour. What you're describing are difficulties in how you relate to the world around you and to women in particular - you need to seek help to address these before they cause you further problems.

    Some of the things you describe doing and thinking suggest that trust is a major problem for you. If you aren't able to trust your wife even when you have access to her personal correspondence, when you are searching her belongings... It doesn't seem like anything she could do would be enough to stop you feeling insecure about this.

    You've made a couple of very strong statements, like "No woman is loyal". The strength of feeling behind these suggests that the roots of these beliefs lie in your early life experiences. This means that without addressing these past issues yourself, they are likely to keep occurring in your life. They may also become somewhat self-fulfilling - a lack of trust and respect in a relationship can be very damaging, and can push people away.

    I agree with Br SVS - I think you would benefit from psychological therapy to address these difficulties. I also think you need to explain to your wife that you have difficulties with trust, and these aren't her fault - she's likely to be hurting from what has been happening. Make sure that you make her feel loved and respected, apologise for the times you may have upset her. As you work through these issues, inshaAllah you will be able to stop searching her private correspondence and belongings, as these actions are likely to be making the situation worse rather than better.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. I think SVS is right. I think the issue is within yourself rather than your wife. For whatever reason you seem to have a problem trusting women and hence your wife too. You seem to be quite lucky with how open your wife is, she is helping you to build your trust in her by giving you open access to all her personal accounts. Also she has not given you a reason to break your trust and seems to be quite loyal to you. That's quite lucky, and I feel you should work on yourself, seek counselling/psychotherapy to help you deal with unnecessary suspicion/paranoid thoughts. May Allah make it easy for you and bless your marriage, ameen

  8. Salam brother,

    1. You have trust issue in women. I don't know what happened in your past, you need to deal with it by seeking some professional help. It can really damage your marriage life (already did and happening) and can further the harm in your social and professional life when dealing with women.

    2. You are arrogant and have a sense of self righteousness. This is a sin I hope you are aware of it. It blocks you to appreciate people around you, now you wife. ("Sometimes I feel she doesn't deserve me because I used to think I am too good to her - she needs me I am not the one who needs her.")

    3. You said you are conservative. And I think you are also introvert. You should be more open to talk to your wife. Open yourself bit by bit. Pick the positive to praise her and appreciate her. It may hard for you to live with other and get use to other life style. All you need is time and openness.

    4. What you have described about your wife is not at all a problem or an issue. In fact, she seems to have all the positive qualities. Alhumdualla and praise Allah to give you a nice wife. May Allah heal your source of misconception about women. May Allah open your heart and eyes to see the prettiness in your wife, inshallah.

  9. AsSalaamu 'alaikum brother,

    I just read your post, and I pray that Allah will help you out of this shakk. Ameen.

    If seeing a physiologist isn't working, why not turn to Allah? As sister Hana mentioned previously,,, "Your peace is in your good relationship with Allah swt."

    If you want to get rid of this shakk, then hold the hands of your wife and then set up your journey towards Almighty Allah. He is the ONLY One that can soothe your hearts and remove any form of shakk in you. When you are closer to Allah, you don't have have shakk about someone for your own self-interest, nor do you blame anyone for your own insecurities--rather, all you want is for everyone to be able to get closer to Allah.

    One thing you should know for sure is that this shakk would still have been there even if your wife was the best of all women with no past or current stories. So if you divorce her and marry a new girl, you will definitely find the same shakk with her. This means that you need to FIGHT the shakk within yourself--as your past experience could have also made it worse. The simplest way to get rid of it is to learn how to divert your mind to somewhere else while in such a state. For example, whenever the feelings start to approach you, you could divert your mind to the remembrance of Almighty Allah or to the meditation of the aayaat of the Holy Quran.

    Also, try to open up to your wife and discuss your insecurities with her. Let know how much you love her, and that she hasn't done anything wrong. Perhaps when she is aware of this about you, she could find ways to reassure you more inshaAllah.

    This is just a brief response as I am in a hurry to go complete a task, and I hope it will be helpful in some way inshaAllah. And Allah knows best.

  10. Narcissist Personality Disorder

  11. Salaam,

    I would just like to add Brother that the only reason many of us could come to such clear conclusions about your situation is because you were so honest and open about what you are feeling and thinking. The is a very positive first step in healing yourself and building up your marriage. Right now you are afflicted and you don't know what to do, but at least you are honest with yourself and others when seeking help. Maintain this quality. And also the compassion you have expressed you have for your wife, and also your fear of displeasing Allah. These are your strengths. They are positive things about you and your ability to relate to others.

    You can have a successful happy home and love life. Don't give up. Sometimes when you give up doing something you think is hard, and even harder test comes your way- completely unexpected and unforseen challenges. So please be aware of your faults, knowing those are your personal issues you need to tackle, and also acknowledge your strengths. They will assist you in achieving success.

    Again about your honesty: very few of us expose our demons and subject ourselves to the criticism of others. I choose to see this as a genuine desire in you to do what is right and best, and what will ultimately bring you peace and happiness. You should too.

    Start with, "I am not very good Muslim..." That is where we all need to start.

    Hana

    • Thank you this post is old actually i honestly told my wife how i feel though i did not want to but now everything is betyer al hamdolillah i fear Allah and i dont want to be unfair to her .

  12. Asslam O alikum!

    • Wa alaykum as-salam brother. Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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