Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I go about finding a wife?

single man on park bench

I am a single man and I am ready to marry but I don't have that much knowledge for selecting a partner.

How can I choose partner according to Quran and hadith?

thanks.

- abu reyan


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16 Responses »

  1. Assalam-o-Alaikum,
    I will be short. I think this hadith of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) pretty much summarizes many things.
    Narrated Abu Huraira:
    "The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers." "
    Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27

    regards,

  2. Abu Reyan, look for a woman who prays, and who has a soft tongue. Someone with a peaceful and easy going nature.

    Oh sure, it would be nice if she were intelligent, pretty, pure, loving, etc. But most of all, you want someone who will be willing to compromise with you on important life issues, who will speak to you kindly and with respect, and create an atmosphere of peace in the home.

    If you can find that, you'll be a happy man Insha'Allah.

    Of course you must do all of the above with her as well. You must be equally kind, respectful, compromising and peaceful.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalaamu alaikum. May Allah help you find the best wife you. I have heard that the best way is to ask around if family knows any single muslim girls that are looking as well etc, but I am not sure. I also would like to know the answer to this question, I hope to start searching next year InshaAllah as Im not ready yet. We are not very involved in the community, I'm mixed race and all my family had a 'love' marriage, so my family are not acquainted with the best way of an arranged marriage. Unfortunately muslim families in the past have not been keen, not sure if this is due to non Muslim relatives or me not being full pakistani! We want to avoid matrimonal sites as well.

    As brother Wael said above deen and character are the most important. I know that you can't be alone together, but at the same time its important to meet her, while her mahram is present. Also make sure you are compatible, ask the right questions. Get knowledge on marriage, maybe go to lectures. Yassir Fazaga did a very good series 'Before you say I do,' but not sure where to get it. Make dua, and try to purify your intention (not to say theres anything wrong with it ) Remind yourself of the virtues of marriage, completion of half your deen. Do it to please Allah swt.

    I firmly believe that if we do something good to please Allah swt alone, in accordance with qur'an and Sunnah, Allah will make it easy for us to find the right spouse, and bless the marriage, InshaAllah as long as we abide by islamic rulings.

    May Allah grant you the best spouse for you and help all the Muslim youths find the best spouses for them!
    Ameen
    Sorry I couldnt be of much help - I am not very knowledgable on this topic. Wasallaam

    • SR Muslimah,

      I watched Yassir Fazaga's series called 'Before you say 'I do'' on Peace TV. I agree it was excellent which is why I made notes :O). I'll post them on this website soon inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Jzk sis. I did manage to watch about 3/4 but in both series i missed quite a few, so notes would be much appreciated InshaAllah. If you see anywhere I can view the series (Ive checked to no avail, please let me know.Jzk.)

  4. Assalam O Alaikum sister "SRMuslimah"

    First of all sister I have listened to Yassir Fazagga on different topics like morality, love & relationship, marriage, self Esteem, Character, polygamy etc but I couldn't find any lecture on the topic you mentioned above "Before you say I do". I don't have time to watch TV but I listen to his lectures on "Youtube". Any other links where I can listen to this particular lecture.
    Secondly, sister on your issue of getting married in the Pakistani community. There are still families who don't have issue with your race, colour or family (mixed race or marriages between reverts and born Muslims) but unfortunately those families are very very few in fact they go unnoticed. Personally, my parents never strictly invoked me to marry someone, however, my mother has been suggesting me to marry my cousin but then that was just a suggestion (very strong one). My parents have no issues with the cast, color, background, culture etc of the girl I may marry as they only want us to be happy and have a healthy relationship based on trust, honesty, sincerity, faithfulness, good communication, respect for each other as equal partners in marriage and above all mental understanding. They even say that they will give right to my sisters to have their say in their marriages. These kind of parents are hard to find even in West let alone Pakistan where their are still arranged/forced marriages in practice.
    I must recommend you sister that if you are older then 20-22 then start looking out for the potential spouse yourself (off course halal way), also involve your parents and other elders too especially women of your family. Make some friends in the community and most importantly don't restrict yourself to just Pakistani Community, remember! we are all a family whether we come from Asia, America, Africa, Europe:)-.As far as love goes sister, I am still struggling myself to get over someone who was never mine but Allah has given me patience and strength to get over her (was very difficult and still is). Now I believe that love with one's wife after marriage is real love and I am saving what I have for my wife Insha Allah to make her feel special, which is also Halal and in a way I will please Allah Almighty if I keep my wife happy, as that is what our beloved Prophet (PBUH) preached and practiced when he treated all his wives (Umahat-ul-Momineen) equally.
    If you find a brother who is a practising Momin Muslim then he won't bother about your family being mixed race, your color, cast or distant relatives not being Muslim because he will see what you have to offer as a wife, how practising you are, your views on marriage and how good a mother you will be in future for his children as a first institute etc.
    May Allah help us find the suitable partners who can help us become better Muslim and lead us to Jennah (amin).
    Wasalam, Your brother MKS1982

    • Ameen! Yes I understand what you mean. I did insist on getting engaged to someone of my own choosing a few years back., but it didnt work.(He was completely unsuitable and became abusive) The 'breakup' was terrible, and was enough to put me off marriage for a long time. As alhumdulilah I have healed, now Allah swt is testing me. However, feeling a bit lonely from time to time doesnt mean you should go looking for someone, does it? I'm so naive I dont want to be taken advantage of. (I have heard of many cases were sisters with pure intentions for marriage get hurt/taken advantage of when looking for a spouse. How can I avoid this, as I fear zina?) I am not looking yet, but I want to think ahead and mentally prepare.

      I am still quite young (nearly 22) but my opinion on marriage has changed, I realised one day that real love is based on mercy and understanding. One sister I knew summed it up for me when we discussed it. 'I dont want a relationship like romeo and juliet, I want the companionship like Muhammad (SAW) and Khadija (RA)!' Wise sister MashaAllah. Yes I am in no way prejudiced or looking exclusively for pakistani, as long as there good muslim, any race/cast/creed. My dad is black so that puts pakistanis off me even more (he is revert, but I grew up muslim as mum muslim.)

      Alhumdulilah that your parents have allowed you and your sisters choice, it is quite disheartening to hear constantly of sisters forced into marriage, so its nice to hear of something done right. May it always be so, Ameen. My parents eloped so both are very relaxed, and due to my being mixed, the only REAL identity I had growing up was as a Muslim, alhumdulilah.

      I am keeping my eyes open if I come across anyone suitable, and so is my mum and a few other people, but I havent actually started searching properly. I dont feel ready at all for marriage, which is why I havent properly started, I also want to study for a year InshaAllah and fulfil my dream before marriage. Am I sinful in anyway for not looking now? I am not involved in any zina alhumdulilah. Also how do you know when your ready to marry? Is this instinctual?I cant let things go, I hold a lot of pain in and I am also extremely oversensitive which I know will be a big problem which I want to sort out before I look into marriage. The guy I was engaged to years back said I drove him to the brink of insanity, I am so ashamed about this and I often fear I will do the same to a husband (god forbid.) So effectively I want to be 'self actualise'd before marriage, and closer to deen.I have improved significantly alhumdulilah but is there a way to know when the best time is?
      Sorry for long post and questions, me and my family not sure whats best. Mum says she trusts in Allah that when its meant to be we'l know but dont want to be lazy and lose an opportunity. What are your thoughts brothers an sisters?

    • Btw its on 'peace tv' last time I checked it was not online and unfortunately its not one lecture its a series of about 25 which are half an hour each time. I think they come on every now and again on peace tv. I taped a few so I could watch them at lesuire. Hope this helps InshaAllah

      • Assalam-Alaikum,
        You can watch Peace TV online, 24 hours on their website.
        http://peacetv.tv/

        On a related note, "Better half or Bitter half" is another program that talks about marriage in Islam and problems related to it. I am not sure about the timings.

        regards,

  5. I think we should have a personal channel on “Youtube” or make our own website where lectures could be uploaded on different topics from different scholars of Islam so that, people can benefit from them. Personally, I don’t find enough time to watch TV. I used to watch Peace TV, Noor TV, Ummah TV etc but not now as I am really busy.
    Sorry to hear about your broken engagement but sis remember it’s a test and Allah (SWT) will send you the best brother only when the time is right and your test is over. I think getting engaged is better than getting married straight away as it helps both brother and sister to get to know each other before getting into a relationship like marriage, where once married there is no way out. Then one of them has to work hard (if not both) to make the relationship work. But there are some drawbacks as well because once a guy and girl get engaged then most of the times they don’t observe the boundaries set by Islam and often end up committing sin.
    Sister, I didn’t mean to tell you that you should approach brothers yourself for marriage and put yourself at risk while looking out for a brother with good intentions of marriage, there is a way which is Halal but only possible in Muslim communities (like I saw this in Pakistan, and it is successful most of times). Finding someone in a Halal way for marriage without getting into any Haram relationship is very difficult and I would never advise anyone to do so as I won’t like my own sisters to put themselves at risk.
    I totally agree with you that a relationship should be based upon understanding, trust, honesty, faithfulness, sincerity and most importantly good communication. Having a relationship like the one between Holy Prophet (PBUH) and Khadija (RA) is the best but still you can have a relationship of Romeo and Juliet after marriage with your husband. I don’t see anything wrong with that. You know what I wish for in my future wife is someone who will see me as her best friend and companion and help me improve myself but also someone who will prepare me for hereafter. So, in a nutshell I am looking for a sister who is Masha Allah best religious wise with more knowledge than I have (which is very, very basic).
    It is very difficult to find that kind of sister as a lot of sisters think that once they get married they will have no choice but to listen to their husbands no matter if they are right or wrong. And I don’t blame them to be like this as this has become a common practice. A lot of husbands think they are always right and wife doesn’t know anything religiously or worldly.
    On the issue of your color and race, a put off for most Pakistanis, it’s true sister. In fact I myself used to think that I will marry a sister based on her good looks, worldly education, job, family etc. But Alhamdullilah, I have changed now and religion is my first priority. Sister, color, caste doesn’t bother me anymore as I am Caucasian white myself and personally find dark or wheatish brown color more attractive but I am not denying the physical attraction. As, we can’t spend our life with someone we don’t find attractive physically.

    It’s good to hear that you, your parents and other family members are looking out a practicing brother. Remember one thing sister! That it’s not going to happen overnight that you or your parents, family choose someone and then you get married straight away next day. It takes time sister, how long did your last engagement last (imagine time you guys took to get to know each other and then how it ended, leaving you hurt), secondly since you and your family is not active in community this could even take longer. So, my advice to you will be to give yourself plenty of time, even if you are not ready yet (as you said that you still don’t want to think on it or get married for next year or so), time is flying sister years on months, months on weeks, weeks on days and so on. Another advantage of looking out for a potential brother early will be that your family might be able to find more than one suitable brothers, in that case you will have more options to choose from.
    Yes, you should prioritize your studies and focus on your achieving your goals. No, you are not committing any sin for not looking out for someone just yet. Masha Allah, you are being careful which is very sensible and very rare at your age when there are a lot of temptations out there. No one knows when someone is ready to get married but only them self. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive but if you are then sister you will have to know how to bear the pain as this world is very cruel honestly, people don’t really care how sensitive we are they are just selfish and think for themselves. I can’t comment on why your last fiancé told you that you drove him to the brink of insanity as I don’t know the circumstances. Just remember sister that relationships work only when both partner understand each other, respect each other, are realistic about each other’s situation/circumstances, ready to sacrifice whatever is precious to them only for the love of each other and to make their marriage work. Any of them too demanding in any way, be it time, or material demands other than basic needs will ruin the relationship. When this happens then, then couples live more like flat mates or two human beings sharing the same roof.
    Finally sister, pray to Allah (SWT) who is the best of the planners and ask your mother to pray for you. I can personally tell you that any brother will be lucky to have you as his wife. This observation is merely based on your religious knowledge and thoughts that you share with other brothers and sisters time to time on this site.
    SO SORRY FOR THIS LONG REPLY.
    Waslam Mks1982-

    • @mks- Jzk, not a problem I do the same. I also think that would be a good idea, but its upto the editors. Alhumdulilah Im over that, it changed me. Jzk for your advice, I needed a different perspective. My mothers not worried, she says she just 'trusts' that Allah will make it clear to me when I'm ready and will guide me towards marriage and its written. SubhanAllah. Hope shes right InshaAllah. I spoke to her about it properly as it was bothering me, glad I did. If I get the opportunity to study (which is my dream) InshaAllah, I will.But we've given a cut off point where I must start properly searching. I have a tendency to take on too much study - i have just found out I have to drop a course which is bothering me a lot. I need to accept Qadrul Allah.By searching I did not mean myself. I meant actually going to a community member and saying Im looking for .. and introductions (with family present). I have not yet done that. As far as I know thats the islamic way - correct me if I'm wrong. This is just as well as I cant make decisions to save my life. People tend to answer the questions what to look for, but never HOW to look so if anyone knows lectures on this topic, please let me know. I feel bad as this is a small issue compared to those in worse situations, so am sorry for taking up the board space on this, just needed some information.

      @Abu Reyan - what I know about searching is its done through family or the Imam, and you can ask questions to find out about each in presence of her Mahram and family. Dont just observe what she says, its how treats those around her etc. We can learn a lot about people based on how they act.But be careful not to make too many assumptions about her based on small things - give them a chance.

  6. Thanks Sister "SRMuslimah" for your prayers and don't worry you are not the only one sensitive:)- There is nothing wrong with that but you should always be careful with the people around you as people don't really care how we feel, only thing they care is their personal benefit/interest. Allah (SWT) will help you as you are Masha Allah practising Muslimah and kind, caring, respectful and helpful towards other Muslims and human beings. One more thing, whenever we face a difficult situation/problem, we should remind ourself that it is a test from Allah (SWT). So, he will give us strength and means to find the solution for that problem:)-

    Thanks "Concerned" for your input. I really appreciate it. And may Allah reward you for your efforts:)-

    Wasalam MKS1982:)-

  7. salaam all the servants of Allah,

    Remember one thing in your search for a partner, never lose sight of the most powerful factor in your life..Allah swt, he who gives you life, gives you risq and also gives you a partner like he did for Adam (AS). do not feel despair !!! Allah works miraculously and chooses the time he thinks you are ready and not when you think you are ready. See the diference brothers and sisters.

    Please do post sister Z. Looking forward to it:)

    H
    xxx

    • Ah!! My lovely sis, welcome, its been a long time, lol.

      I shall post my notes soon inshaAllah.

      (And see you soon too inshaAllah, lol x)

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Jzk - this post brought a smile to my face 🙂 I have been told this before but I always need reminding. lol. Yes am looking forward to the posts too InshaAllah.

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