Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to gain patience on a heartbreak

pain healing

Salam All,

I am about to turn 24 and I am going trough one of the hardest trial I could experience so far. I've always been this shy girl so focus into her study that no one could notice her. I never worried about getting married even thought it was a deepest dream. I spend most of my time with my mom. I have some true friends I can count on but most of them are not muslims so they can't understand me completely.

As I mentionnes I've always been so focus into education and I always succeeded Al Hamdulillah. As I come from a really small city I had to leave home pretty early which was a heartbreak for me but it came to bring me closer to God. Over the years I developed my relationship with God and became more an more confident, but I was so shy I never thought I could date a guy or something so I stopped thinking about it. Then my studies became harder and harder, I became even sick due to it and I start to depress a little. I wanted so much to succeed on my education because I thought that it was the only thing I had. All my friends were dating guys and talking about marriage and I was so far from that. I was so sad that Allah was making my education path so difficult because I was putting a lot of efforts and wanted so much my family to be proud of me. Then after an other trial I had to go abroad to take some exams. I was so depressed about it.

It is a this moment that I met on guy, he fell immediately in love with me and felt connected to me somehow. As I was shy and not at all thinking about having a relation ship I completely avoided him and told him many times that I did not want anything from him. He kept trying but in a really really soft way I couldn't explain I did not feel attacked at all. This guy lost him mom few years ago and converted to Islam before meeting me (half of his family is muslim) and I felt some kindness toward him. We were talking through the phone a lot and became closer. When I started to experience romantic feelings for him I told him about getting married and he agreed. But the only issue was that he wasn't from the same ethnic background than me and I feared to tell my parents especially because he couldn't speak the same language. We started a relationship with physical contact. I agreed on this and he never forced me. I know that is is a grave sin and I keep asking for forgiveness about it. I agreed because I was so so sure that he was my future husband. We actually behaved already like a married couple... I never felt this way, he respected me so much and told about me to his dad immediately. I was really sure about his feelings but I know I made a big mistake because we were not married. I prayed God to forgive me my sins because I know I shouldn't have done this before being his wife. As we were a distance couple, we experience some difficulties but he was always sincere and kind to me. We loved each other some much I couldn't explain. We faced some difficulties because we were feeling really guilty about being in this relationship without marriage but we had not enough strength to get appart as my family wouldn't let me get married to him before the end of my studies or at least I knew they would try to make it difficult because of his background. He was saying that he wants to get all the chances possible to get the agreement of my dad so he wanted to learn my language and get a stable job next to his studies. I haven't mentioned that when he lost his mom Allah yalahma, few years later his dad re married and moved to an other country really far with his little sister. Meaning he was alone in his country.

When we were fighting I was always saying things like "ok then we are not supposed to be together" and this would hurt him a lot, he asked me many times to stop. I never wanted him to suffer so I promised to never do it again. He was really relying on me and our marriage as he needed some stability in his life, his love for me was really blind but of course I never complained about it. He always treated me the best way possible and respected my family even without meeting them.

We agreed to do our religious marriage in a particular month which happened to be in 6 months. He went abroad and told his dad about it. During his trip we had a fight and I said again that I wasn't sure about marrying him because I had so much stress going on at home. We talked and agreed to keep going as we were closer than ever to be together. He told his dad and his dad said that it was too early and that we should wait for it. This answer made me so mad I almost exploded. I couldn't imagine to wait any longer and told him on the phone it's over even when he tried to tell me that he would talk to his dad.

The next morning I apologized but he told me it's over that I broke his heart and that he doesn't trust me anymore. He refused to talk to me for several weeks. We talk again on the phone since 2 weeks but he tells me that he is lost that he put too much pressure on us (marriage, work as his lost his scholarship, living alone ...) and now he doesn't know what he wants anymore and that I shouldn't hope that we will get back together.

I can't imagine my life without him, I know we could be happy because I'm so sure he is a blessing from Allah after all the trial we've been through both of us before meeting.But on the other hand I am truly convinced that this break up was needed for us to put an end to our haraam actions as our marriage wouldn't have been blessed. But with time and distance and prayers I trulls miss him and I can't get over the dreams I had of a future together.  I am praying Allah since more than a month to take him away from me and my heart if he is not good but even if I feel less sad than before I want to marry him even if I have to wait years for that. Things had got quite better as he now accepts to talk to me but says that he is lost and want to figure out his life. What should I do ? Leave him alone and forget him or wait that he gets better ? I am also suspecting that his practice of Islam got lower since our breakup and it's bothering me a lot. I don't have much friends and I don't go out a lot I can't imagine marring an other because I feel I'm getting older and I really imagined my life with him.


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3 Responses »

  1. Sister please go ahead with your life and studies make your parents proud if his meant for you . He will come back running and marry you don’t be Clingy when you love someone it’s hard to keep your distance. Do your studies and get closer to Allah .

  2. You remind my of myself a lot. Full of taqwa, sincere and kind. Like you I wasn't into thinking of have relationships because I always felt it was wrong or wasn't to desperate like other girls to get married. You did the absolute right thing by asking Allah wholeheartedly if he is the right one for you. I think you got the answer. Only Allah knows what kind of person he will be when he is married to you. I would leave it. If it's meant to be then he'll come back. Otherwise, take it as a sign from Allah. Somehow, Allah made the guy distance from you. You may feel the burn right, confused, sooner or later you will see the blessing from it.

  3. sister forget him.

    focus focus focus and only focus on your education in this process you will find someone who could be a better match for you than this half muslim guy.

    dont worry about getting older, Sometimes we sleep toooooooo much and after that when we look into the mirror we sometimes look older.....

    dont worry ....Allah will make it easy for you.

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