Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to have a valid marriage as a second wife

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As-Salam Alaikum,

I am a Sunni Muslim and I hoping to become a second wife soon inshAllah. But, I am concerned about Nikah because I do not know the full rules and regulations of it, as I keep reading different things on different websites and I want my marriage to be valid- is there anything you could forward me or suggest a source to me, that explains all the mandatory requirements for Nikah?

I do understand that my marriage will not be recongised by law in the UK. Also, and most problematic are the facts that number:

1. he and his family are not intending to tell his first wife who is also in the UK -  is this permissible? and

2. I am a revert with no muslim relatives, so who can be my Wali at Nikah?

- jjee

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48 Responses »

  1. Jjee, Asalaamualaykum,

    Congratulations on accepting Islam.

    Sister, I see a major warning sign here which you should not ignore at all. The man you are hoping to marry wants to keep this secret from his first wife. While informing the first wife of a second may not be a requirement, it is completely immoral and not recommended. Seriously Sis, there are some are basic morals and manners that come along with humanity and we should know and feel them whether we are Muslim or not. Why does this man want to keep you a secret from his first wife? Is it because he cannot deal with her emotions, heartbreak and jealousy? Because if this is the case, then he is not fit to have more than one wife. Whatever the reason be, it is immoral to keep a nikah a secret.

    Allah has set certain guidelines for us women through the Quran and Sunnah for a reason, for our protection. If you do not have any family members who can act as your Wali, I would advise you strongly to see your local Imam, a qualified Imam and ask him if he can be your Wali. The whole point of having a wali is that this male can look out for your best interests, represent you and make necessary checks on marriage proposals for you. This same Wali will then also be there for you at the time of your Nikah.

    You have done a wise thing by seeking advice here, but I urge you to attend your local masjid and make contact with a circle of good practising Muslimahs and an Imam so they can guide you through the process of finding a suitable decent marriage partner inshaAllah.

    If you live in London, I can put you in contact with some reliable Imams and Sisters.

    Best Wishes,

    SisterZ Editor

  2. I am quite interested in this posting, in particular the statement that the marriage is not valid in the UK. Does this mean that any Nikhah is not considered a valid or legal marriage in the UK? Is it just considered a common law man and wife set up?

    I have to agree with the above that I'd be concerned that he and his family are hiding this information from the first wife. She has a right to know surely? Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if you found you were being lied to in this way. Follow the advice in the above before accepting this marriage. Good luck x

    • Salaams,

      I may be wrong, but I thought the reason that her marriage would not be valid in UK is because he is already married to another woman. Most western countries don't recognize polygamy, so the only marriage they count as valid would be the one to his first wife. If he takes a second wife, the marriage would be valid religiously, but not legally. Therefore, if something happens in the second marriage that violates the rights of the second wife, she would not be able to enlist the help of the government to seek justice. This would be another reason why having a proper wali would benefit her...he may be her only source of guidance and consultation if difficult times arise within the marriage.

      Further, if the UK is anything like other countries, even having just a "nikkah" without a government marriage license may not be recognized as valid....even if it's only the first marriage. In some cases, couples have a nikkah and then have a civil "marriage" at another point if they need to for legal/tax purposes.

    • there's no such thing as a common law marriage

  3. There have been a lot of polygamous questions on this website. I can't seem to understand in this day and age, why Muslim men would want to have more than one wife. Aren't they satisfied with one wife? And our prophet (swa) did it mainly for humanitarian reasons not for desires. I don't like those men who marry a woman in the western country, and is already married to someone back home without telling his 2nd wife. Then they reason it with because in Islam we are allowed to have more than on wife. They twist their scam with Islam...sick.

    • Sarah, I personally would not choose a polygamous marriage. And yes, polygamy is often misused. In fact it is probably abused more often than not, nowadays.

      But that does not mean that the institution of polygamy does not still have a place in Islamic society. It does, when the conditions are right. However, it should never be practiced with deception.

      Wael Editor

      • Salaam Brother Wael,

        I have great respect for your wisdom and deen, judging from your views here on this forum. So I would like to ask you (sincerely, not to citisize or provoke) How is polygamy in Islam different from Slavery? They are both allowed in the Holy Quran and in the Sunnah, they are both restricted because Islam is just to all people and the limits to our ability to do good to each other in slavery as well as in polygamy are celarly stated. So, why has Islam today (mostly) abolished slavery while many still condone polygamy, even in countries where this is against the law. Wherein lies the difference? Why do most muslims today reject Slavery which is allowed in sunnah and Quran, while accept polygamy? Why does not slavery have a place in Islamic society when so many feel polygamy does? It is puzzling to me.

        • Sahaddita, thank you for your kind words. Frankly, I find your question very strange. You ask how polygamy is different from slavery. I would ask, how is it alike? I see no similarities whatsoever.

          Polygamy is marriage. Each partner has rights and duties. The wife has a right to her own residence, and to be treated equally to other wives. She has a right to equal time with her husband. If the husband does not fulfill his duties, or is abusive, she has a right to divorce. She can voluntarily end the relationship.

          This is completely the opposite of slavery, which is obviously an involuntary relationship that can only be ended with the permission of the slave owner.

          By the way, there is nothing in the Quran permitting slavery, and slavery certainly does not have a place in Islamic society as you claim.


  4. Jjee, Asalaamualaykum,

    SisterZ is right, this is a bad idea. Why would you want to get into an unhealthy situation like this? Why would this man want to keep your marriage secret?

    First of all, publicizing a marriage is one of the conditions of marriage in Islam. Marriage is not meant to be kept secret. That is one of the things that distinguishes marriage from a secret affair.

    Secondly, has everyone forgotten that lying is forbidden in Islam?

    The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,

    “You must be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man will keep speaking the truth and striving to speak the truth until he will be recorded with Allah as a Siddeeq (speaker of the truth). Beware of telling lies, for lying leads to immorality and immorality leads to Hellfire. A man will keep telling lies and striving to tell lies until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.” (Muslim)

    Do you think it will be possible for this man to have a second marriage without constantly lying to the first wife about where he's going, where he's been, etc? Is that a healthy or halal situation?

    And when she inevitably finds out - and she will, one day - what will happen? Either his first marriage will be broken, or she will force him to divorce you.

    Stay away from this situation.

    Wael Editor

    • "Secondly, has everyone forgotten that lying is forbidden in Islam?"

      Fantastic reminder brother. I think many do forget this issue when it comes to this.


    • HI I love reading all your posts here.

      (Hello "Confused, thanks for your comments. Please log in and write your question as a separate, post, thank you. - Editor)

  5. salaams to all,

    all of the above are true. please, please do not marry this man. I have been and am going thru this same thing now. My husband married this woman in another country and for years did not tell me. I trusted him when he said that he going on business. When he had to tell me, for fear someone else would it has been a living hell for me and my family and friends. He is an upstanding muslim(or so we all thought) this also brings up trust factors in the community. The second wife was scared to death when I called her. She said she wanted to tell me. I asked her why didn't she. No response. I could go on and on. Please don't marry him. I secret leads to many. May Allah help you in this matter because you have no ties to him but emotion don't marry.

  6. Asalaamualaykum,

    Thank you for each and everyone of your replies I appreciate them greatly & it has given me much food for thought!!

  7. Dear Sisters (including asker)

    Ever see a beautiful woman and think 'uh, she's not that pretty' or 'better not talk to my man' or 'why am I not that skinny' or 'if I wore that I'd look better' or 'il ask her where she bought it so she doesn think im jealous'? Well, that is jealousy! If a man saw that same woman, he wouldn't be jealous about her beauty, he would appreciate it. He would want it (like a kid wanting candy), but 99.99% of time he wouldnt do anything...just looking. Not all women are like this, and neither are all men. But if we were all the same this world would be a boring place.

    Most of the opinions in this forum are from women, some of the comments are even from jealous 'first wives' 🙂

    First of all, becoming a 2nd wife doesnt make you 2nd in position. TALIA (above commenter) has experienced something like this, clearly she isnt happy as the first wife. Her hubby married someone else, the whole 'family shame' thing, anger, jealousy etc...

    First of all, a 1st wife doesnt own a 2nd wife, they are all equal, so Talia's phone call to her husbands 2nd wife is nothing but bully tactics. She cant scare another woman because she doesnt have the right to. The shame she feels is not life threatening. Its not going to hurt anyone or requires honour killings...for gods sake, its just another woman, not the end of the world.

    But No! for Talia, in her opinion her love is coveting another woman, and thats the end of the world for her. That fact is, she only cares about her own feelings. He, and the 2nd wife have LOVE for each other too and they have NIKAH. Thats their sacred bond and thats a feeling she cant control, and its that lack of control that angers her the most. She probably wishes she could just make wife 2 just vanish into thin air.

    When a 1st wife attacks the 2nd wife, its makes the 2nd wife more attractive to the man. Because MAN in all his natural might feels the need to protect someone, beat his chest and save the world (sarcasm)... and who needs protection right now? wife number 2! Clearly the 2nd wife is scared and she would now feel that wife 1 is a psycho and no wonder her husband wanted another woman.

    But a man shouldn't have a 2nd wife because his first wife is psychotic or whatever; he can simply choose to have one. Thats it. No reasoning, no justification, no motive, simply wants to be with someone else and enjoy it. If wife #1 is jealous, deal with it; leave him or live with it. No guarantee the next guy will be any better.

    Its natural for people to protect their personal interests. For most women, especially those who have been good wives and mothers, its hard to imagine that they are being 'replaced' by someone else. They simply dont see the need for a man to do this. They should bear in mind that they are not being replaced, I bet their husband loves them as much as he did on the first day.

    Someone also said that in this time and age why do muslim men need more than one wife? Arent they satisfied with one wife? No we arent. We like women, yes women (plural). All men love women except sodomites. My personal opinion is that there is nothing more beautiful in this world than women. Allah has created your species with so much intense beauty that its drives us men crazy. A feeling you wont ever understand. That is the one crime that can get us men stoned to death! get it now!? Its a weakness that men give lives for! Now that you understand we like women, I want you to know what we do about it.

    Please consider the society that most muslim men live in, where their non-muslim counterparts are engaging in one-night stands and dating different women. These muslim men get married young and once married they cannot simply date other woman. They then start doing evil acts and having affairs.

    This is one of the issues that Polygamy has addressed for centuries; because its natural for a man to be attracted to more than one woman. I dont need to justify that, its a fact. You ladies are pretty, and we like it! simple ok. A lot of people will say things like 'but the prohphet p.b.u.h did Polygamy for other reasons etc'... simply put, no man compares to the greatest human being ever to live. The prophet of Allah is far better then us, and the mere man cannot compare to his reasons. We have our own reasons, and one of them is prevention of Zina.

    Zina is filthy, it creates bastards and exposes so much filth in our society. There is no excuse for it. Why? Because we dont need an excuse for it, we dont need to 'experience' many illegal women. We have Polygamy, and in this time and age its easier not harder to interact with women. Which makes Zina easier. Polygamy is a good weapon to keep men stable and focused on building good muslime homes with muslim children.

    Most women these days can support them selves. So if two ADULT people decide that they want a nikah then there is no person that can prevent it. Marriage should indeed be public, but if someone needs time to expose his lifestyle, then give him that time. Its better then not having him at all. Wives, if you dont let your husband have another wife then be prepared to be married to an adulterer; that would be simply disgusting.

    Western men have affairs without consequences (including muslim men), but most muslim men realise that they shouldnt do this. They know that their wife will not accept another woman and most likely threaten him with divorce. At that time god and quran is out the window and their personal interest and 50% of the property is what they care about (even though islam doesnt give 50%).

    What Im saying is that, if you are happy to be a wife to a man then do it. God has given YOU that right. You are not stealing someones man, just some jealous sisters here dont wish you to become the 2nd woman. But its too late, you are the 2nd woman so dont waste more time and be with your husband in a legal halal way.

    Men will always be attacted to women and sin is what this attraction can lead to. Avoid the sin, and if the temptation is so high, better than having a filthy Zinakhoor (adultrous) husband, its better to have a polygamous man. Atleast on the day of judgement he wont be burning due to your jealousy. Most muslim men can simply blame their cheating on jealous wives not letting them have another wife. If you are still asking 'why do you need more than one woman', then read my comment from the beginning again.

    If Allah has allowed it, a 'first' wife cant do nothing about it. One word, Jealous! and like I said, if they cant tolerate it, they will take half, and at that time they will go to a western lawyer for half not the local mufti/alim for her islamic rights. Dont think about his self serving 1st wife and be with this man to save him from the fire of hell. Avoid being a woman on the side, once you are a wife, demand your rights and get yourself some dignity. If he doesnt give you your rights, atleast you can be in front of god complaining as a wife, not a mistress!

    • Brother Ali you made a good case..wel done

    • Wrong. Do check the statistics. An equal number of men and women cheat. It was only back in the old days that men used to cheat more than women. Now, you can do a google search on this, and you'll see that women cheat as much as men. And men and women have about the same amount of partners during their lifetime. And the rate of women vheating is increasing.

      Islam teaches us to control our nafs. Thos is not a question of male nature, but of human control of our desires. I am a Muslim man and I don't agree with this explanation. Most Muslim men have only ONE wife and ONE sexual partner during their lifetime.

      Indeed, polygamy is a beautiful thing when practised PROPERLY, BUT lust is definitely not a reason!!!!!

      • As a man and your brother in Islam I feel completely wronged to be portrayed as someone who can't control his sex drive. I do believe most of us men are content with one partner (most Muslim men have only one partner after all), and for those who aren't, then that is a problem for BOTH genders and not exclusively a man's problem.
        As I said before-Check the statistics and you'll be surprised to see that women are just as polygamous in nature as men(though this does not justify polygamy).

        And perhaps you forget that there is no obligation on a woman to live an unhappy life. If she feels unhappy sharing jer husband then she is entitled to a Khula.

        Having exposure to the feelings of the first wives I can reasonably tell you that what a wife feels is not just 'jealousy' or something trivial, but something way more painful. Using the term 'jealousy' is an understatement.

        A woman can choose whether she wishes to go through that pain or not. If she deals with it with patience then her reward is with Allah, but if she chooses not to then there is no blame on her and she is not seen as being any less pious.

        To say a woman can not do anything about her husband taking a second wife is silly. Of course nothing she can or will do has any Shari'i or legal effect on her husband's action, bit that it is not to say she is not Islamically allowed to stop her husband. After all even Fatima(ra) objected to Ali(ra)'s second marriage- and please don't use that 'she was Abu Jahl's daughter' argument, because that was only ONE aspect of the story. Islamic scholars generally agree that it was Fatima(ra)'s jealousy for why she objected to the marriage. The Prophet(saw) conditioned Ali(ra)'s second marriage on Fatima(ra) being divorced.
        Islam gives roghts to women too to leave a polygamous marriage, you can accept it or leave it just as I accept Allah allows a man to have 4 wives.

        • Thank you brother Tahla for restoring my hope. Lust should not be a reason to be polygamous. And brother Ali said most women can take care of themselves. However, islamically the husband is financially responsible for every one of his wives, regardless of what the woman possesses.

    • Salam brother. Oh my .. as a second wife i felt being stronger inside more than before.. Alhamdulillah.. for those comforrinh words..

    • Alhamdulillah. Jazakhallahu khair. I felt uplifted as a 2nd wife with your comment. Bcoz I feel embarassed and disliked being a 2nd wife. You are right. Atleast I can complain to Allah as a wife and not as a mistress. Alhamdulillah for the gift of having a husband who has chosen to marry to avoid sin. I am a very proud 2nd wife.

  8. Salam Ali,

    1. First of all, I competely reject your portrayal of the male sex drive. Islam has prohibited marriage for

    beauty only and stressed the importance of piety. In Islam, the value of the female is not restricted to

    her physique. Yes, many women are georgeous. They don't look the same. Some of us have great hair,

    some of us have long legs, great boobs etc. But are they better than others? Are they good mothers?

    Are attractive women always good mothers for their kids? I seriously doubt that. Muhammad p.b.u.h.

    has recognized the beauty of the heart, not the physique. He married Sawdah bint Zamaah who was

    an old woman and certainly not attractive. I agree that some shallow men constantly focus on looks and

    beauty. But a real Muslim man loves a woman because of her piety. Dear brother, beauty does not remain.

    It's disappearing when we get older. And even the most attractive woman can't escape the aging process.

    Many men out there can look behind the facade and see the person. Many beautiful women are stupid

    like Paris Hilton and most of the men I know hate her and are allergic to her.

    Polygamy or the verse about polygamy was revealed after the battle of Uhud. Many women were widowed

    and it was a way to give them and their numerous children a stable future. Polygamy was an economic

    factor. Islam encourages early marriage to enjoy physical pleasure with your wife. If the wife is always

    "ready", I don't see a reason for polygamy.

    I can understand that some men, especially Arab or Middle Eastern testosterone-driven men, feel attracted

    to women easily and that it is difficult to live in a society flooded with beautiful females. Of course men

    have fantasies and day-dreams, night-dreams, but women have them, too. Many women have a strong

    sex drive as well and many men don't even see if their wife had her hair cut or lost weight. It is indeed

    dangerous to generalize everything.

    In terms of female jealousy: The world consists of many women, many attractive women, all of them unique.

    You can't have all of them and in your "imagination" of the world, a man need polygamy because of a

    strong sex drive. Ok, but you can only marry up to four. You have to provide for them and give them shelter

    and food. All of them will go through the aging process, one day or the other. Even if you marry a young

    and attractive female, she'll be old one day. If one of them has a car accident and a face full of scars, will you

    divorce her? Please, brother, don't try to find an Islamic justification for your own shallowness.

    In Islam, there is marifa, mercy and love. It's not only about the physique.

    Insha allah one day, men will understand that not everything that shines is gold. And you don't need

    to look perfect for satisfying a man, confidence and good sex techniques are enough.

    You're going to build an emotional bonding with your wife, and normally, going to someone else

    has no heart. I agree polygamy is better than adultery or cheating, but not all men are shallow human

    beings who need that. Islam encourages honesty; if the woman doesn't want a polygamous relationship,

    she can leave the husband and has to live with the consequences of his wish. Honesty is good, but

    honesty requires tolerance and chivalry.

    Sexual attraction is not everything. You mentioned that attractive women are everywhere. Islam tells us

    to lower our gazes, so how do you know bro? Lowering the gaze is very important for our nafs, you should

    take it seriously.

    Last but not least, the argumentation that women should be happy to have a polygamous husband

    to stop him from being an adulterer is very weak. I would take my mahar and leave the children with

    my husband, as Shariah requires. As I said, Islam says honesty means accepting consequences.

    And, dear Ali, I have a non-Muslim family. And all of them have values and don't cheat on their wives.

    My German grand-mother and grand-father have been married for 70 years. I personally don't have

    any friend who lives in this "sex and the city" world you described in your post. Maybe personal level

    also plays a role.

    Insha allah one day, you'll see the true value of a female.


    • Dear Jannah

      At first I was really angry at reading your comments, just like you would have been after reading mine. But I realise that you are simply giving a different opinion. But along the lines you make it so personal that you almost try and prove polygamy wrong.

      Attractiveness: I said men look at women, and women a jealous of other women. My opening sentence states that not all men and women are like this; meaning that they dont only go for looks. Further down I do state that Allah has created women beautiful, and there is nothing haraam about saying or generalizing something as beautiful; as you are trying to imply ok!

      Prophet Yusuf a.s. is said to be the most handsome man ever, that does not mean the quran encourages women to keep an eye out for Yusuf look-alikes. Its simply a fact. Beauty is there, and though it does fade, its a fact that we are attracted to beautiful things. The lesson in that was that he had good character and beauty isnt everything, for even Zulaikha found something more beautiful than him. And that was the worship of Allah. You completely took everything I said and turned it on its head. You are a defensive person that has tried to accuse me and verbally shame me in a subtle way.

      You should read my comments again. First of all, I dont say anywhere that unattractive women are not good wives, mothers or daughters. You are judging because maybe you feel that someone is attacking these women. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so anyone could be beautiful. I simply said that men are attracted to woman and the quran and hadith has asked us to lower our gaze for that very reason! you get it?

      I didnt say that it was just physical beauty you should go for either. I said; "Men will always be attacted to women and sin is what this attraction can lead to. Avoid the sin". I was simply saying that we have other avenues that our creator has provided us. The debate is not about the legality of polygamy. So stop taking things out of context and telling us how to choose our wife ok. I personally think if a man is stupid enough to pick a wife based on beauty than so be it. As you mentioned, our prophet has told us what to really look for.

      I married a woman on her good virtues rather than the boobs you describe. She is beautiful and smart, but the most important thing I found about her is that she doesnt distort the deen based on jealousy. She accepts polygamy, yet I dont go find another wife. She simply says to me, thats what our god has allowed you men, but remember that you men will hurt our feelings by choosing another wife. And that you men dont compare to the prophet s.a.w. so dont try and justify it using his reasons!

      We have been married since I was 22 and she was 19 yrs old. Its now been 10 years! We are happy and I pray to be together till we die. The point is that Polygamy is not wrong, and a whole bunch of reasons have come out to disallow it. Common ones you will hear are : Need 1st wifes permission(as if she will give it!). Need to be during war times to rescue widows. When poverty and famine is around etc.. etc... The truth is, those are NOT compulsory, but is highly desirable.

      You need to stop being so defensive and accusing men of being perverts. Yes, some men would marry based on looks and take a 2nd wife for that reason. But a far greater thing polygamy addresses is Zina. Dont play the 'but one wife should be enough' card, because that simply doesnt cut it. Attraction is there and is the reality for most men/women. Anyone that has been married for more than a day would know that looks arent everything; personality makes a huge difference.

      You also said, if a woman doesnt want a polygamous husband she can leave. Thats a load of rubbish. Maybe you like to wear the pants, and if things dont go according to your likening than go for a divorce. You can encourage the trend of divorce, but I wont. Allah knows best, and women cant simply divorce their husbands. Deal with your jealousy first and give something a go before you jump to conclusions. You're saying you'll take your mahar and leave the kids. Yeah right, no woman in her right mind would do that. A marriage is something worth fighting for and not just something you can walk away from!

      Allah has entitled us more than 1 wife, and the same will be for those in heaven. If you had a chance you will sit here for the next year distorting hadiths and facts to stop polygamy. Its not wrong, its not haraam, and when done with the correct guidelines, its fruitfull and beneficial. YOU CANT CHANGE THAT. But what you will do is make all polygamous men look like perverts and sex addicts. Thats not true at all though is it?!

      I was giving facts on the current social situation, where men have affairs and keep mistresses.

      You said: "Sexual attraction is not everything. You mentioned that attractive women are everywhere. Islam tells us
      to lower our gazes, so how do you know bro? Lowering the gaze is very important for our nafs, you should
      take it seriously."
      I live in New Zealand, and there is no islamic laws here, so women dont need to cover up. It doesnt make me a pervert, it simply means that there are women around without veils. You just think you're too smart and its ok to accuse people. How do you know I dont lower my gaze?

      So get your facts right and understand that in a western country, where there is no stoning to death for adultery, polygamy is a far better choice than mistresses. You cant stop attraction from happening, but you can stop Zina. Its not an excuse or a reason to have a 2nd wife. Im not debating whether you should have a 2nd wife or not. The fact is, if it is allowed, then why still commit adultery?!

      Polygamy is allowed, you cant do anything about it and neither can you advocate any sort of justification for disallowing it. We are talking about Nikah and a life time partnership. Whats in your head is Mutah (temporary marriage) and convenience marriage. Respect marriage, regardless of how many wives there are. Its a thing to be proud off, that this religion of all times knows how to protect its men and women. You cant justify your 'special conditions', because there aren't any. Theres basic marriage laws that all muslims can adhere too.

      You dont need to be a shallow human to be having a 2nd wife. There are many conditions that would make a man make that decision. Those that think that a man should have only one woman in his heart needs to stop watching Titanic. You can't control if someone loves someones. In our religion the love of Allah, Rasool, Parents and then the religion is more important. Your love for your wife is a good act and should be practiced, but it doesnt simply buy a wife exclusivity. Some people are simply possessive and think they own a man like property, maybe jealousy is the root of most evils.

      • I said this before but I will repeat it here...(It seems like you want to force polygamy down the throats of the sisters, the majority of us are not against polygamy, we are simply against it being forcibly pushed on we aren't feminists).

        Polygamy is after all, not a sixth pillar of Islam.

        "As a man and your brother in Islam I feel completely wronged to be portrayed as someone who can't control his sex drive. I do believe most of us men are content with one partner (most Muslim men have only one partner after all), and for those who aren't, then that is a problem for BOTH genders and not exclusively a man's problem.

        As I said before-Check the statistics and you'll be surprised to see that women are just as polygamous in nature as men(though this does not justify polyandry). So justifying polygamy on the basis of fear of Zina is incorrect.

        And perhaps you forget that there is no obligation on a woman to live an unhappy life. If she feels unhappy sharing jer husband then she is entitled to a Khula.

        Having exposure to the feelings of the first wives I can reasonably tell you that what a wife feels is not just 'jealousy' or something trivial, but something way more painful. Using the term 'jealousy' is an understatement.

        A woman can choose whether she wishes to go through that pain or not. If she deals with it with patience then her reward is with Allah, but if she chooses not to then there is no blame on her and she is not seen as being any less pious.

        To say a woman can not do anything about her husband taking a second wife is silly. Of course nothing she can or will do has any Shari'i or legal effect on her husband's action, bit that it is not to say she is not Islamically allowed to stop her husband. After all even Fatima(ra) objected to Ali(ra)'s second marriage- and please don't use that 'she was Abu Jahl's daughter' argument, because that was only ONE aspect of the story. Islamic scholars generally agree that it was Fatima(ra)'s jealousy for why she objected to the marriage. The Prophet(saw) conditioned Ali(ra)'s second marriage on Fatima(ra) being divorced.
        Islam gives rights to women too to leave a polygamous marriage, you can accept it or leave it just as I accept Allah allows a man to have 4 wives."

        You talk about our right to take a second, third or fourth wife as an entitled two year old. A woman too has rights you know. One of her rights is that she may stipulate in her Nikah contract that her husband not take a second wife. This is a valid condition and even members of the Prophet(SAW)'s household used this condition, whereby the husband would give up his right a d would have to honour his obligation.
        One notable example was the Prophet(SAW)'s great grand-daughter Sakinah(ra) who was the daughter of Hussain(ra). There is also evidence that the Prophet(saw)'s daughters had also asked their husbands to do the same (his daughters Zaynab and Fatima(ra)).
        Women back in the Golden Days of Islamic Rule would commonly stipulate this condition and this was THEIR right, just as you brag on about YOUR right as a man to have 4 wives.

        As for me I would prefer to follow the Sunah of the Prophet(SAW) which included monogamy. The fact that the Prophet(SAW) actually practised monogamy when he had all the desires and opportunities to marry more women is a sign of his appreciation of monogamy because for him kt signified his respect and love for his wife. pilygyny is also a Sunnah, it seems, to help widows and other women in need. Though these are not requirements in Islam-it was the way the Prophet(SAW) and his Sahabah practised polygyny.

        • I actually don't have an issue with polygamy (though I Love monogamy, a Sunnah of the Prophet(SAW)) its just that you justify it with the fake argument that we men could turn to Zona if we don't get a second wife. Its actually really about controlling your nafs. Its not in men's nature to be polygamous, after all women have been proven to have just as many partners as men and also to have the same rate of cheating as men whenever there are no social factors.

          Lust is a disease, which we must wage our Jihad e Akbar against. To justify polygamy on the basis of lust is just wrong and grossly inaccurate. Of course a man does not need a reason for another wife, but remember that the societies predating Islam saw polygyny as a strictly patriarchal practise which existed for the unregulated desires of men and Islam worked within the boundaries of that already existing system. Islam in actual practise was the antithesis of that system in heart and soul.

          Polygamy in Islam has way better reasons than having to rely on the 'men are attracted to several women' argument.

    • I have a simple question:

      If men enjoy variety in their sex life, what is is a better option?

      1. Extra-marital affairs with no strings attached.
      2. Paid sex as and when you want it, and never with the same woman.
      3. A second or third or fourth marriage.

      Before you answer the question, let me remind you that the average human being always looks for easy options. The best choice (I am not speaking morals here) is the one that does not tie you down with responsibilities and complications, one that does not lead to confrontation with an angry and unhappy first wife, a choice that does not send you on a long guilt-trip (for wrecking a well settled house and concern for how this will all impact children). And polygamy is not that choice. Polygamy is, from the point of view of the average man, the worst you could do just to satisfy your sexual drive. There are easier and less painful ways (they are immoral and lead you astray, no doubt), so anyone deciding to marry a second wife has something more than just the urge to fornicate...

      I don't know what that something is, but that's what causes stupid, emotional men to end up with a situation which is hell on earth more often than not...

  9. As salaamu alaikum to all

    You Ali have slandered me and my comment. I have been happily married to my husband for the 23 years til he told me that he'd taken another wife. Not 1 day after but after having done it with guilt(his words) for over a year in secret. I know that Allah distains secrets. Right! they will always be revealed.
    One of the tope sheiks in Medina told me that if it were sooooo happily done and sooooooo good they would have made the announcement. I say this because the 2nd told me vehemently that she wanted to tell me.
    Hence, they did it and should have told me AFTER they did it. I am past the jealously part. I know it is because "men" like women. But, Allah does not say that you have the right to hurt other muslims.
    If you have not done this don't say a word because not only does it affect the immediate family, but, all those around.
    The man has only time at on house and not two. He doesn't give his children from one house the time they are use to. He can't split his time. No matter how hard he tries. Hence, also when Allah t'ala says it may be your ardent 'desire'. You see that word 'desire" ok. But, one is best for you.
    Now these words are mostly from brothers whom have said through other brothers that they Meaning Women are people with feelings tool.
    Be very careful when you are trying to be unbias in your statements. because I didn't know you were commenting to a brother til the end of your last statement.
    May Allah help us all , Ameen.

    Sorry, forgot to husband as well as the other family and the 2nd has said I didn't deserve to be treated like this. There are amany things that you don't know or see in these relations that afftect the ummah.
    May Allah have mercy on the brother who justifies his nafs,ameen

    • Wa-alaikum-as-salam.

      First of all, I do feel sorry for you Talia, and for every woman out there that has been a good and just wife. Indeed Allah does say dont hurt others. But at the same time, 'hurt' doesn't justify the abolishment of the institution of polygamous marriages. I'm sorry to everyone that has a problem with this.

      There are men that are in painful situations too. I know a brother that divorced his wife with 3 simple words only after 3 months of marriage. It was all a big angry "all out" argument. She said "Well, If I cant keep you happy then divorce me now!". I wish he didnt take that as a literal request, but sadly he did it there and then. We dont have it that easy either! Once you divorce your wife, she can go to another man. Islam isn't a joke, so you cant simply do a halala and take her back. That totally negates the meaning of marriage.

      Sometimes its hard to explain to your wife that you want another wife and you dont want to divorce her. Why another wife? well, us men and women will always be divided on this. In retrospect, some of the reasons I gave above seem to focus too much on attraction and sexual motives. But that is THE REALITY people. In this time and age, there arent men taking wives due to famine, war and natural disasters. Most men dont have a very holy reason for their actions. They are doing it due to attraction, internet forums, easy access to females etc...

      There are good patient men out there, they dont use the reasons above to find another wife. Most men are sick of the lack of respect they get from their wives. They get sworn at, their mothers and family verbally abused. Constant nagging, lack of hygiene, lack of deen in the house, lack of education and discipline with children, lack of a proper meal, lack of support and lack of communication in general.

      Most women fail to see the cold hard facts, while there is a common notion of an 'abusive husband' there is also the above that applies to sloppy housewives. They cry when they get replaced, but before you open your mouth to your husband and decide to walk all over him because of your 'rights', Remember he has rights to a peaceful life too, which you are probably robbing him off.

      Dont go accusing me of 'justifying my nafs' because I dont have a 2nd wife. My wife SPAT on my face on several occasions because of small arguments. She knows I cant prove this to anyone and probably expects me to hit her in return. The law here favors women in domestic cases. She also threw my food in the garbage during Ramadhan because she said I dont deserve to eat, even though I earn the money and I was fasting all day. She emptied a rubbish bin on my head and swears at my parents when talking to me about them. Nobody understands why Im still with her, but I know why. Because I love her and my children.

      Hitting her wasnt going to solve much, so I left it to Allah. Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like being married to someone else. How would it feel to have a wife that likes to wear a hijab and reminds me of prayer. Not all of us are lucky to be with the right person. So how dare some of you people start bashing polygamy when you expect a man to tolerate ill treatment forever.

      My brother once told me a great Jihad is tolerating an evil wife. For the sake of Allah I was patient, but now you tell me, does this treatment from her justify to you that I should divorce her or take a 2nd wife?! No! instead I think about my son, and the religion that he needs to follow. If Im not there as a muslim father then he will do the jahil ways of his mother, who is a born muslim. There is no guarantee a step father would be a good father, and Im not taking my chances with my own blood.

      My sisters, I forgive my wife, I always pray for her and I ask Allah to guide her and let her enter paradise. I've never cheated on her, and I dont intend to either. But maybe one should realize that its not always the nafs, but the necessity that drives a man to look outside his home for a better family.

      But the fact remains that there are more reasons than the ones anti-polygamy campaigners try to use to prevent men having another wife. Im not going to say more because I know some sisters here probably want to beat me with a wooden spoon right now 🙂

      Good bye!

      • Salaams,

        I just wanted to mention a couple things about what you just posted. You said, "Once you divorce your wife, she can go to another man". However, you didn't mention anything about her iddat (waiting period), during which time she CANNOT go to another man because her former husband can still take her back. What you are saying only applies if the man has issued his third talaq, which based on the example you gave, doesn't sound to be the case.

        You also were talking about how men want to take second wives due to the lack of "deeniness" in their first wife. I don't see how that point matters, since we are not discussing divorcing the first wife in order to take on the second. If a man marries a second wife who is more pious, he still has to contend with the faults of the first, less pious wife. It doesn't change a thing about that situation or her character (although some may argue it may inspire her to even have worse character due to jealous insecurities).

        Thirdly, you had no business talking about your wife's flaws in this forum. As Muslims we are to cover each others' faults, especially those of a spouse. You could have still made the same point without brining her into it at all.

        Finally, I just want to say that there are women who are keep the shariah, do their ibadah, and strive in the ways of Allah SWT, but still have a "hot-headed" personality and have perhaps several moments of weakness along the way. You painted a picture of two extremes: on one end there are the pious serene and soft sisters, and on the other end are the irreverent, unsubmissive, quasi-abusive sisters. In reality most sisters fit somewhere between the two, where they are trying their best to be good wives and Muslimahs, but like most humans have a lot of jihad against their nafs to wage.

        Like any big undertaking, polygamy should be practiced on a case by case basis. Just because something is lawful doesn't mean it's as good for one family as it is for another. That's like saying that just because sweets are halal that a diabetic can have as much as a non-diabetic. And always, as I've said before in other posts, practicing what is lawful in polygamy should be done with the highest adab toward all parties involved. Needless to say, many "polygamy" posts wind up on this site because someone went about things in a way disrespectful to the first wife, the second (third, or fourth) wife, or the husband. If we keep our adab about these issues at all times without letting selfishness color our undertakings, a lot of 'problems' with the subject of polygamy as a whole would be minimized.

        • Please read this sentence properly "Once you divorce your wife, she can go to another man". There is nothing wrong with this statement. Any muslim that divorces/remarries will know about the iddat, so that wasnt essential to my point to mention; plus the discussion isnt on divorce. However, I appreciate that you compliment my point and added to, which benefits everyone.

          Im not getting into the whole debate about 3 divorce counts as 1. Rasoolollah S.A.W made is clear that do not play with those words, for even uttering them as a joke to your wife counts as divorce!

          For your info, a husband cannot take his wife back during iddat after 3rd divorce. Doesnt matter how much he wants her back, 3 divorce is final, so iddat is not ticket back; amongst other things, it was put in place to determine if a woman is pregnant. I dare anyone to correct me if Im wrong. . Dont play with your marriage and you dont get hurt, the strict rules were put in place so men dont play with talaq, and threaten their wives with it. In my friends case, the local sheik ruled that it was indeed a full divorce, even though it was all said in one sitting.
          Disclaimer: Im not an alim but 3 divorce is final in my opinion too. More hadith back that then then 3 as 1 approach.

          Why are you saying I have no business talking about my wifes flaws? Do you know who I am, where I live or who my family, wife and kids are? This entire site is about opening up and people talking about their problems and seeking advice. Bringing problems forward for the greater community to help.
          Its done in an anonymous way so nobody is actually getting named and shamed. My wifes problems affect me and my children, it has made me think differently about women. Just like how a woman would feel about men once she has been abused by a single man.
          Ultra feminist like to sweep such issues under the table because to them only men are the offenders. Our prophet addressed these kinds of problems because they were bought up in public, but the offenders were kept anonymous. I didnt insult her or humiliate her, because I kept her anonymous. There are probably a million Ali's out there, which one am I?

          As for men taking on a 2nd wife who is more pious; the truth is that Allah only knows how pious a person is. But it is better to be with a practicing muslim than to be with a psychotic animal who has no respect for their religion. Nobody has to tolerate someone for life, and wait till the other person decides to be a proper muslim.

          Being hot headed has no excuse either, and neither is being less pious. Indeed, piety is judged by Allah, but the fardh (compulsory) practices aren't excusable. Salat, fasting, zakat, respect of parents, respect between husband and wife, etc is not optional. If someone is weak in those areas, they should be reminded constantly, not excused. Control your temper for anger is haraam too. No excuse.

          Finally, my whole discussion is about the legality of polygamy; while many people try and deny it all together. I have been bashed on this forum for saying Men are allowed more than one wife. You reinforced my point in your last few paragraphs a million times between then I did. It doesn't sound sexist and it is a much more meaningful explanation then mine. So thank you very much for that.

          Admin, please remove all my comments prior to this one. As I dont want to be the cause of misguidence and fitna for all people that read this post in the future. Femanists have an extreme interpretation of the polygamy verses/hadiths; and I dont wish to argue this against their hardened skills for refuting polygamy.

  10. Salaams brother Ali,

    you said "Any muslim that divorces/remarries will know about the iddat". I was only mentioning what I did because unfortunately, based on my experience on this site so far, that is not the case. A lot of Muslims don't know the details of shariah and have questions about whether they are even married or not. As a result, it's always best our comments are complete and concise, so that those who may have less knowledge can benefit. When someone posts a general statement about an aspect of shariah, I've found that other respondents who aren't familiar with shariah (or even non Muslims) have gotten confused and this further obfuscates the whole thread.

    You are right Ali, there are many brothers by your name and surely enough I don't know you or your wife to know what effect your disclosures have on your lives. But the truth is, we all have to answer for every statement we make in this life, and what kind of sister would I be to you if I didn't warn you not to say something which may count against you even if nobody else knew to what degree? Being married myself, I feel the weight of always carrying the honor of my husband, even when I can "get away" with sharing his faults because it would never get back to him. What kind of wife would I be to "call him out" when it does me no benefit at all? Certainly the world is full of enough ills that we can speak of them and make points without citing a particular person, no matter how indirect it may seem. To me, to do otherwise, falls perilously close (if not squarely) into the category of backbiting.

    I am terribly sorry when I see situations where a bad experience in a relationship colors the view of the other gender in a negative way. It is most unfortunate that these things happen, and it is truly a jihad we all fight not to get sucked into bitterness over past offenses. Insha'Allah we will all turn to Allah and find His aid to see the one good thing in each other despite the countless unattractive attributes we have.

    Amy Editor

    • Thank you for your comments. I see you are an editor, please remove my comments as it benefits nobody and is nothing but a huge was of space.

      • Wassalam. Brother Ali, very well put points in here. Don't give up or believe everyone who reads your words won't benefit. Allah guides whom he will. Ummali.

  11. As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

    I see that you previous comments Bro. Ali has been very as Jannah has stated Shallow. I was very pleased to read her comment because it depicted all of what my emotion wanted to say. Jazakallah Khairan sister.
    We have to Male and female remember that Allah Only will judge us on the Last day.
    We have to keep our focus on that.
    Have a good day.

    Lastly, I have lived a long time without this kind of stress from comments. They say wisdom comes with age and now I see that this is only true of the wise, whom have paid attention the what Allah t'ala has shown us because we all will answer to him on that Day. We have to be very careful how we say and what we say because we may say something that is taken out of context or may not have the opportunity to make taubah to that person.
    I must say that I was very affected by your(Ali) disregard and insensitivity to us as Muslimahs. Please be very careful because someone who is a new muslimah or muslim may take your statement s to heart and pass them on as truths.

  12. Asalamualaikum dear sis and bro
    I have read all of your comments after so many days.......I agree with brother Ali 100%.......

    You guys mention about Prophet Muhammad(pbuh) that he married for reasons. His marriage to Ayesha (RA) was not out of necessity????????????? And Prophet was sent so he could be followed...we shouldnt say who can be like him so we shouldnt do what he did.....its a lame excuse....we should try to be like him

    I think we should not play with Islam here. If a man is allowed, he is allowed...........obviously he needs to comply with many requirements......but at the end of the day as good muslim women we should accept what Allah has sent for us....He knows mens need better than we can ever understand as He created him...

    • No one is questioning that polygamy is permissible. Even if it is done so without a reason.

      But if you think about it there are only two sunnahs on this issue here:

      1) Strict monogamy
      2) Polygyny for reasons-The Prophet(Saw)'s marriage to Aisha(ra) was a Hukm from Allah to serve a religious purpose.

      I think the real problem with brother Ali is the fake argument that a man who is denied a second wife will turn to Zina and his disapproval of sisters wanting to leave polygamous husbands(if they don't like the arrangement).

  13. Having read all the posts here & as an impartial observer, albeit with an active interest in such matters, I don't think that Brother Ali was being discourteous or disrespectful to any sisters here.

    As a woman & a wife I view it as my responsibilty to ensure that every aspect of my husband's needs are met. I like to make myself attractive for him & my cooking was terrible but I learnt to cook nice things especially for him & when I am in distress he is the 1st person I turn to and he loves this because it makes him feel macho!!....I do think that men are simple creatures and it really doesn't take much to keep them happy and at home! Or maybe I am over simplifying things & basing my judgements on my experience of just one man??

    It's good to have discussions such as these to increase one's knowledge & understanding but it's not nice when it descends into a 'slanging match' or a point scoring exercise....& Allah knows best & may He guide us all & give us greater understanding & compassion towards each other.


  14. Brother Ali,

    I fully agree with your view about men and women relationship as wife and husband. Ibadly gone and still going through with my wife and my in laws the "blood suckers". I have 3 kids and i dont want to divorce my wife because of kids going to hurt but i cannot bare my wife any more and my in laws interventions. i want to marry second wife in usa bcoz i want peace and harmony among self, usually we fight every week on any topic and i dont want to hurt her physically . My only reason to marry 2nd wife so i can divert my mind bxoz i love my first wife but she play tunes of others in my house and my life which i wont accept as a men.

    Brother Ali, there are lot of thing to say but i dont want to complaint my wife behavfiours in front of others i love my wife but she and her relatives trys to make me fool.

    i told my wife i am going to marry 2 second wife if you still carry same behaviour with me but still i did not married only and only for allah sake who says not to hurt a women but practicallly i have seen my life that there is SAITAN/DEVIL behind every women not to accept husband and a superior to you.

  15. salaams,

    i have read all the coments above and im in a very mixed decision of my own situation. brother ali has made alot of points but then again other peoples comments have confused me and im lost in what i should do in my situtation
    i really dont know how often this happens but my situation is very different to many out there. please help me if you could and i would i like brother ali to leave his comment regarding my situation also as i know it might help....

    i wanted to marry this guy that my family or his family did not agree to 4months latrer he married his cousin under presure from his parents. he dad had said that if he didnt marry his niece then he would divorce his wife(the guys mum). saving his mother from divorce he married the girl. he doesnt havea ny feeling for his wife and can not lead a married life wiv her. we are deciding to do a secret nikah but his condition is that no one should no about it because it colud lead his mother in facing a divorce and he would feel responsible. i have been trying to look fro an answer my self wether our nikah would be valid. i feel for his wife as it has got nothing to do with her and not her falut but she also knew that this guy did not want to marry her and is doing it beacuse of his parents and is under pressure. i am in a very bad situation beacuse i really dont know what to do. the guy had said to me that he would never beable to settle down with his first wife because he didnt want to marry her in the first place and it was forced. but he also can not leave her beacuse of his dad being stubborn and his dads desicion of divorcing the mother if his son divorces or leaves his niece. i am really desprate for help. some people have told me that he will need his first wifes permission some people said that he wouldnt. what colud i do in this situation. he cant leave her but alsocant settle down with her. why do parents do this? why do parents ruin our lifes and say that they are doing it fro our benifit? why do parents make us children commit zinah and tells us whats right and wrong. i feel like i have no where to go i dont want so many lives being ruined. i have also told this guy to divorce his first wife where as she could move on and have a better life with some one who colud be there fro her as husband and give her all her rights. this guy is not bad towards her at all he talks to her respects her and the rest but they are not in te sexual relationship as a husband or wife. please i need help and advice with my situation.

    thank you...

  16. Sister, I really think that you should take your case to Allah or your Wali. If you do marry him, he should consider divorcing his first wife as not to cause harm from all the reprecussions of the families involved. There will be many. He should maybe speak to the wife and get her opinion, because, in reality, no one likes to live with someone that doesn't want them. She may want out.....please discuss your issue with a Wali or your local Iman or your Mahram.

  17. Salaam.

    Thanks you for all your replies, I appreciate each and everyone of you who took the time to reply to my original post. I am now a second wife and as it turns out, completely on my own.

    Follow my journey:


  18. SubhanALLAH....
    i just read some of comments here, interesting alhamdulillah. I'm considering to be a 2nd wife also, may Allah guide my path aamiin.

  19. Assalam alaikum. Can I now at.morning time we can do sex......I mean after sun rise . afternoon or evening pls let me now this answer......any bro and sister

  20. SubhanALLAH....

    Brothers and sisters. I do have something to seek your advise.

    Please let me tell you my story so you can understand well my question.

    I had a child to a married man. Even though I love him, I move away so my child won't get hurt as I learned her wife is so angry with me and my child.

    Then I learned he eventually embrace islam and converted to islam. After 4 years, His brothers/sisters from islam contacted me that the father of my child wanted to marry me in islam rights so he can honour me and save our child from hell for having him out of marriage. He also want our child be taught islam and they said that it will be our child and my decision if we will embrace islam to.

    Honestly brothers/sisters I still the father of my child evern though it has been 6 years since I last saw him. I asked for time and I read about islam. While trying to asses myself on my faith. I got a chance to worked abroad and I thought that it is a good chance for me to make sure as I do not want my faith be compromised because of my feelings. I want to be 100% to convert to islam because I believe that Allah is our one true God and Islam is the true religion. When I arrived here in New Zealand, I reached out to a local masjid and seek guaidance on my faith. Eventually I embraced islam.

    Now I am now a 2nd wife. We are happy. I was able to bring my husband and our child here via working visa. My husband still support his 1st family. But when his 1st wife learned about our marriage she threatened that she will make our life miserable by first refusing to accept the support our husband send for them. Then she won't let their children speak to their father. I saw the sadness in his eyes. I love him and seeing him suffer breaks my heart to. I know his responsibilities to his 1st family that is why there is no problem with me. He gives us equal portion financially. He makes time to talk to his children and 1st wife and I do give that time to him. I do not interfere when they are talking in the phone or other ways of communication (He's family is still in our home country). As much as he wanted to bring his 1st family here he said that he thinks of the satefy and what is best for each of us. Bringing his 1st family here is no problem with me but he said his 1st wife will be very jealous and might hurt me so what he does is to equally give attention and support to us.

    Now his wife threatens to file a case against us in this country where we are have a residents visa. As she said new zealand will not acknowledge our marriage here and that she will make sure that we will be deported to our home country and be imprison. Is there someone here can give me an advise if that is true?

    thank you.

    • Salam,

      Wikipedia can give you advice on whether that's true:

      So it seems like you married in your home country before moving. New Zealand doesn't like it if you get married twice there but if you get married before moving then they have less of a problem with it. Other than that they're not really cracking down on it. The other wife would have to argue with them and say he's married here too. I don't see a good case for her from reading the wiki, he didn't get married twice in New Zealand and that's what they care about.

  21. adeeva: I had a child to a married man. Even though I love him, I move away so my child won't get hurt as I learned her wife is so angry with me and my child......
    Now I am now a 2nd wife. We are happy. I was able to bring my husband and our child here via working visa. My husband still support his 1st family. But when his 1st wife learned about our marriage she threatened that she will make our life miserable by first refusing to accept the support our husband send for them.
    Now his wife threatens to file a case against us in this country where we are have a residents visa. As she said New Zealand will not acknowledge our marriage here and that she will make sure that we will be deported to our home country and be imprison. Is there someone here can give me an advise if that is true?

    You had a child with a married man and you moved away not to hurt his wife. later on you converted and became a second wife to hurt the first wife. Do you think if you become Muslim it will stop a first wife from getting hurt?

    Does immigration know that you husband has 2 wives? Is polygamy legal in New Zealand? If you or your husband lied to immigration about polygamy or other things (like he has a kid with you) you certainly can be deported for breaking laws.

    Your husband may even leave you after he becomes a citizen.

  22. SVS,

    Please read again what I type, I move away so my CHILD won't get HURT.

    We did not lie to the immigration. After my contract ends in new zealand . I went back to my home country. That's where we were married. He cannot divorce his 1st wife as their marriage was done in civil rights and we do not have divorce in our country. Our marriage was not registered and it is more of social agreement.

    When we applied to New Zealand, we provide the information. We provided informations why my husband cannot divorce his wife. Our marriage was not recognized but since we were able to prove that we are in a stable and strong relationship. It was considered as partner's visa.

    Update of our case. Since our marriage was done before we applied for immigration viza and neither one of us is living or working in New Zealand at the time of our marriage. And since the visa we applied is not as husband and wife but as partners. It is not bigamy according to the court.

    • Adeeva,

      It sounds like you have nothing to worry about. I hope things work out for you. I don't think your husband would want to divorce you. He pursued you before you had immigration so I don't think that he's waiting for that. Plus most guys like women, divorcing from two wives leads to one wife which is less women not more. I would think he would want more than less.

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