Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to leave a man you are financially dependant on?

wedding rings divorce

Asalamu alaikum

I want to leave my husband of 5 years and we have a 6month daughter. I am just fed up of his behaviour.

To be honest I dont want to go into detail of who is right who is wrong, I will let Allah swt be judge on day of judgement and I will seek my revenge on that day in front Allah swt.

Meantime I dont know how to leave him. I dont want my daughter to have a broken home. But at the same time I dont her to grow up watching her mother bring disrespected. I dont want her to think its acceptable for a woman to be a doormat and to be cheated on and watch her father chase after women half his age etc etc.

I have no immediate family close by and no friends. I dont know how to start a life. Having a baby prevents me from working because I cant afford daycare.

Should I just tough it out till my daughter is grown up more? I have dragged it out this far. My husband's actions are unforgivable and I will never ever forget or forgive him till I see him punished for his sins. Everyday I feel so low and humiliated and I dont know how much more I can take.

Where in this world do I go with a baby and nothing else and nobody? Even if I had to live on one meal a day I would take it.


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30 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    What country do you live in?

  2. Ws...well you can if you want and that means you going to find a job and be independant. there is nothing from stopping you from working.

  3. Salam Sis
    I have just read your post and really sympathise with you.
    Just stunned to your ongoing issues about your husband,
    This post has really brought back my past and my suffering, I'm in my early forties now and my husband was the same, cheating lying scheming git. I was in the same position as you are with my first born a girl six months old, didn't know what to do.
    Well I thought hard and decided to stick with my marriage, and guess what his still the same cheating lying c*** as he was before, much calmer but the same ongoing cheat.Its true sister the saying that leopards never change their spots. I have suffered a lot through him and his ongoing mistresses. Lived twenty three years of pain and depression,kids have grown up and his still as C*** as he once was. Nothing has stopped his ongoing affairs slowed down yes, but still ongoing. This has brought a lot of heartache and my kids are all over the place,they hate their father and say that I'm a stupid doormat. This ongoing affair has hurt not just me but affected my children so badly that they hate Asian people.:(
    I thought for my first child sake that I can't survive without him due to him being the bread winner,and how it will effect my child, so I decided to live with him , biggest mistake of my life! Had more kids thinking he would stop when kids grew up,naaa that never happened.
    kids hate me and him, they are open minded to whom they marry, meaning they think all muslim men are cheats and women are downgraded,and just live their lives as given by husbands , although I've explained that this is not the case. 🙁
    It's had a negative impact on my children living with a man who was and is still a cheat. If I had my life again and knew had badly it will effect my children I'd have gone from this horrible marriage ages ago, three people in marriage is never successful just endless pain.
    Yep throughout my life I suffered let my kids suffer cause of broken me, he still continued with his ongoing affairs. If only I knew that this will cause pain to my kids I'd have gone long ago!:(
    Well you know what I'm old now and kids are messed up and they hate Asian men. It's sad cause they don't understand that all Asian men are not cheats and all Asian women are not mugs.
    Anyway if his ongoing walk away from him don't let it destroy your daughter like it destroyed my children's heads.

    • You should send a link of this post to your kids so they can see your response. It might give them an appreciation of why you stayed and the decision you were faced with.Sometimes reading one's situation can hit home better than listening to the person....all in all I think you're a brave woman, not many people can take what you withstood for your childeren. I hope one day they will appreciate that.

    • Sorry to hear your situation .

      Hating Asian people will create problems for them in future as they being Asian will try to fit in Western families which will be much more complex .Do your kids stay in Europe ? as in most of scenarios parents stays in Asian countries and kids in Europe/USA and there will be a big communication gap even if they have not experienced any domestic abuse .

      Also sister if you can find some job better you join it and become financially independent ..

    • Thank you for replying. So are you still staying with him.I have seen sm from childhood and i blamed my mother for not leaving either i guess now that i realise it wasnt easy for her. Can i talk to you more if its ok with you?.

  4. Dear Sister

    As i understood that your husband has cheated you and started an affair with some young girl. How much

    has he gone far in the affair? Did he get commit physical sin(that case is clearly unforgivable) with the girl or


    If it is just a romantic crush limited to meeting or romantic conversation, then if you like we may suggest

    some methods to drag him back(make him realize his wrong) to you.

  5. As I feel your husband have romantic nature, please try to fulfill his expectations coz world is full of such kind of males.
    If possible for you please do it as i said but and if not than just believe on Allah and leave him. Allah will take care of you and your daughter.
    We all are so stupid, we thought that this all which come to us that is coz of our smartness but believe me this all living starndard and everything which we have ''Just because of Allah''

    • Brother you can't Justify adultery of either sex, as 'Romantic nature' adultery Its a sin punishable by death in Islam,

      the sister in question has stated her husband is a prolific cheat, who is partial to visiting prostitutes no spouse man or women should have to put up with that kind of behavior,
      The sisters health and well being, is at risk here, for that reason it is not something that would be advisable to ignore.

      Please brother do consider the implications of promiscuity........

      My heart goes out to you sister,your husband sounds like a complete jerk, you and your daughter deserve better, i have worked in a few women's shelters, some are better then others, as far as i have experienced there is no shortage of Muslim women in shelters, in fact there are plenty, especially from the south Asian community.

      I'm not sure how the welfare system works in canada, but can't you apply for some sort of benefits?

      I truly hope you can get out of this horrible situation.

      • I agree with you, this brother's comment was uncalled for. What is very concerning about this situation is that by having sex with prostitutes and numerous other women, the OP is exposed to being infected by a sexually transmitted disease that will compromise her health. I would strongly encourage her to go to her family physician and get tested immediately, and in the meantime stop all intercourse with her husband. She should also insist that he get tested for sexually-transmitted diseases. If he continues to visit prostitutes and other wise have adulterous sex, then he must wear condoms when he has sex with his wife.

  6. I can find a job but theres no one to look after my daughter. And i know he will try everything to take my daughter from him . And no his straying is not just a romantic fling. He has affairs wt hundreds of women including my friends nland cousins under false identity and anyone should think im not fullfilling my duty? No it is a problem in his Imaan.He is a pathological liar who blames others for everything. To hide his faults he makes up lies about me. Isolates me from my family and constantly puts me down.he says as long as i have food and clothes i shud be happy and count myself lucky. I feel destriyed as a person. I no longer feel like a human being. Every night i sleep knowing my husband is having intimate chats with prostitutes.and he says they are better than me.
    Renting is very expensive and i dont know how ill fit in womens shelter as muslim.
    If theres anybody living in Alberta knows of options please let me know.

    • He does not pray at all and doeant want to hear about deen from anyone else unless its something about mean rights. Whats unforgivable was not the affairs. It was what he did with my sister inlaw ans destroyed my brothers marriage and ruined a little childs life. He has gone beyond me and ruining my family. What would you guys do in this situation. ? Especially men is it normal for a man to act like this!

      • Hi. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. I too want to leave a bad realationship but i am financially dependent on my husband, have a small baby, abroad so isloated from family. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand.

        Lets hope that Allah helps us soon and bring us peace.

        • Where do you live sister

          • I live in the Uk sister.
            Besides my husband my in laws are terrible too and have abused me mentally and emotionally. I have been married for 6 years, have a year old child.

            My advice to you would be to wait a little bit longer since a 6 months old baby is very young and it would be difficult for you to work full time at this stage with no other sources of support. But you can start planning your exit strategies.

  7. Dear Wael

    This forum is attended by worldwide muslim community.

    Is it possible that someone in the forum having some influential position near the affected sisters, who are seeking employment, may arrange some job based on the education and merit of sister involved.

    So the sister can at the least stand on her own and finally earn a job based on her education and merit and involving husband's permission of course.

    • Dear feelix,

      What do you mean, 'involving husband's permission of course'?

      It is obvious that the husband is not fulfilling his duties, far from that. The sister involved needs to get a good and safe job when the opportunity presents itself to her for her own sake and her daughter's, regardless of whether an irrational and irresponsible man 'forbids' her, especially when he does it out of spite.

      These injunctions exist for an ideal marriage. When your life is in danger, you can't afford to 'obey' a crazy human being who might even threaten you, kill you, or who generally withholds your rights. Can you trust such a person with your life decisions, and can you trust such a person to want what is best for you?

      Remember both rights and responsibilities exist for both parties in this contractual relationship. Please be flexible in your mindsets, in line with Islam, an incredibly flexible religion, and do not place all the burden of Deen on the woman, who has enough problems as it is to deal with to merely survive in the world.


      • Dear alizeh
        What I meant was that she could not leave house without the permission of husband no matter he is good or bad.
        This is Islamic view. Of course this constraint can be relaxed in special conditions but not without the guidance of a genuine Muslim scholar or mufti.
        And neither of us is a scholar.

        • Thank you for clarifying.

          'This is Islamic view'

          It's certainly not in the Quran, and if it is in any Sahih ahadith, it would be better for you to provide it along with details about the compilation. It is so, so important to research and provide references in this day and age, because of what is at stake. It is so easy to miscommunicate and distort.

          Everything apart from Quran and Sunnah has been issued according to the judgments of certain scholars at certain junctions in time. It is not safe to gather all of this under the overarching umbrella of what is 'Islamic' for all time, implying that anything else is non-Islamic.

          'What I meant was that she could not leave house without the permission of husband no matter he is good or bad.
          This is Islamic view. Of course this constraint can be relaxed in special conditions but not without the guidance of a genuine Muslim scholar or mufti.'

          I'm saying that if a woman's life is in danger, or something of that nature, she is not obligated to stay in the house if the husband forbids her to leave. Even if he is unreasonable, or mentally handicapped; you have to use your common sense, if his reasons are obviously illiterate, and the consequences of obeying are obviously harmful. Nothing is to be gained by promoting mindless, loveless obedience; even Allah swt wants us to understand the spirit of Islam, and throughout the Quran repeatedly tells us to use our reason to wholeheartedly engage with the religion.

          So you should use your God-gifted reason in such circumstances, as Allah wants you to exercise reason, and not wait for a scholar/mufti to give you approval to act on your common sense. I just don't want women to fall into traps which can be avoided in a timely manner by thinking Islam wants them to keep their own lives and the lives of their children in danger for the sake of 'obeying' someone who is clearly not following Islam! And it is especially important for women to watch out for themselves and their children, since they bear the greatest brunt of abuse and dependency and as a result, helplessness.

          Islam is an active, living, breathing entity. No one can claim to know what true Islam is, or true Shariah (which means a perfect Way, which human beings must approximate to, but only Allah can truly know).

          So it's dangerous to label things as Islamic and non-Islamic. Please take advice from genuine Muslim scholars whenever possible, but don't act mindlessly, and remember not everyone calling themselves a scholar is actually a scholar; at some point in time, you will have to use your judgment to confirm that this person is genuine and pure!

          Hazrat Umar didn't cut the hands of those stealing during the famine in his time even though it is a Quranic injunction to do so. God judges you by the wisdom of your actions and the purity of your intention.

          So be very careful when using the labels of 'Muslim' 'Shariah' and 'Islam' and at the same time, we must always remain compassionate, empathetic, and sensible, in my humble opinion.

          Have a lovely day

          • Dear Alizeh

            Ibn ‘Umar reports from the Prophet that once a lady came to the Prophet and asked him about the rights of a husband on his wife. He replied: … she should not leave his house without his permission. (Sunan Bayhaqi, No: 14490)

            Unfortunately Sunan Bayhaqi is available online in arabic only so arab people on the forum may verify it at

            I agree with you 100% that the husband is not respecting the rights of his wife but that does not justify that his wife should also reciprocate by violating her husband's rights.

            "Two wrongs do not make it right".

  8. Assalamoalaikum.
    dear editors i know it is the rules of the forum not to exchange contacts,but i personally thinks the above brother is will be more helpful if you would allow the people willing to help to do so,as he mentioned the forum is attended by muslims world wide it will be of great help if we can help each other more. i'm suggesting you can a organize a way to validate any person willing to offer help.

    • We do allow it in exceptional circumstances, but to validate people as a matter of course would be time-consuming and really quite difficult. There's a reason why we do not allow it. It's because the people who post here are vulnerable. They are dealing with difficult life situations. It would be easy for someone to take advantage of them. Of course, most people have good intentions, but we can't risk it.

      Wael Editor

      • Dear Wael

        I understand now that you are absolutely correct in not allowing anyone to contact according to reasons stated above.

        Feedly is a very good website for job hunting( Searching for welfare centers can be done on (, but internet is necessary.

        But these links are limited and visible to this post only, you have to copy&paste for every such post on this website. This is tedious for us.

        You can easily add a separate page in this website, where we can post just methods of finding job near a general location, method of locating welfare centers near one's place(unknown to us) , important hadiths, duas and verses .

        • If you want to do the research and write it, I'll publish it Insha'Allah. But make the subject matter specific. If the scope is too broad the project will become unwieldy and won't be as useful.


          • Dear Wael

            Thanks for reply. Do i get to add links by replying on your post or by submitting it as a separate question?


    That's a link to a muslim shelter in Alberta.

    Ever try going to a mosque near your area and asking them for help?

    If you got your education from a institute in Alberta they can help you find a job

  10. Dear sister,

    There are multiple ways for you to start out small without having to worry about your daughter.

    You can start cooking at home and begin by selling to your neighbors. Online advertising has made it very easy to expand these days as well. Even if you feel like you don't know how to cook well, or anything unique, there are multiple and excellent websites you can use for simple world cuisine recipes but which have unbelievable taste and look. Baking is the easiest thing to do in the world. It should make a very good starting point.

    And there is always demand for food wherever you go.

    There are other things you can do, such as knitting, writing, stitching, or painting if you have artistic inclinations.

    A lot of successful business have begun at home. Engage with your inner creative self in coming up with some good ideas. And don't be afraid to learn the skills involved. There are so many online resources that this has become incredibly easy, fun and beneficial to take up.

    The doors are all open. Don't be afraid to step in and at least try some of them! You have nothing to lose. You have internet access, so use it well 🙂

    Salam and best of luck!

  11. I am a sister suffering just like you. I have a 10 year old girl and live far away from my family too. I am currently living separate. He still supports me and my 10 year old daughter financially. His family is righteous and he doesn't want them to know. Are his parents pious muslims? Will threatening to tell them help? It helped me force him to take a job in another state. I have insisted that he can visit only once in 2 months to meet our daughter.

    I would have gone insane if I didn't force him to move out. What you are going through is one of the most humiliating experiences a woman can go through. If you cannot separate now and have to wait till you get a job, I would suggest you start detaching from him fully. It helps ease the pain and make a better decision. May Allah guide you to what is best for you and your little one in the dunya and the akhirah.

    Praying and fasting helps a lot. I keep repeating " Ya Fatah Iftah Alayya" which menas "O opener of ways , open my way. " Here is a beautiful dua I recite:


    Allahumma ilayka ashkoo --O God to you alone do I complain
    Dhu'fa quwwati, -Of my weakness
    Wa qillata hilaty,- And my lack of excuse
    Wa hawany alla nas,-- And the humiliation I suffer at the hands of my fellow
    Ya arham-ar rahimin --O Most merciful of those who are merciful.
    Anta rabbul mustadaafeen, --You are the Lord of the Weak
    Wa anta rabbi,-- And you are my Lord
    Ila man takilny,-- To whom would You entrust me?
    Ila baeedin yatajahhammuny ,- To a distant person who is hostile and antagonistic?
    Am ila aduwwin mallaktahu amry, --or to an enemy You have given authority over me ?
    In lam yakun bika ghadabun alayy , --If You are not angry with me
    Falaa ubaali --I do not care
    Wa laakinn aafiyatuka heeya awsa'uw lee -Your forgiveness is all that matters to me
    A'uzu biNoori wajhik allazee -I seek protection in the light of Your face
    Ashraqtu lahuz- zulumatu -Which dispels all darkness
    Wa saluha 'alayhi amrud-dunya wal-akhirah -And solves all the problems in this life and hereafter
    Min an yanzila bi ghadabuka, -Lest Your wrath descend upon me
    Aw yahilla alayya sakhatuka , -I desire Your pleasure and satisfaction
    Lakal utba -to You is the supplication
    Hatta tardha -Until You are pleased
    Wa la hawla -And there is no Power
    Wa la quwwata -And no Force
    illa bika -other than You. (Ameen)

    I would also suggest you check the site for support.

  12. Allah will find a way for u have faith , Mohammed Farook Manchester

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