Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to protect innocent women from my family’s men?

confusion sister muslim confused

Salam,

There is a problem with the males in my family. They  basically have no respect for women. The rest of my family members try to conceal  this truth from others, especially in the matter of marriage.

If what I have written so far sounds very confusing, let me explain.

My uncle married a very young lively, good-spirited woman while being a stern, old man himself. His to-be  in-laws were told that he was an engineer, had a well-paying job, would allow his future wife to pursue education and career opportunities, etc. Once the couple were married, this once young, lively woman became sullen, as she was not allowed to work or go to school like she was promised. Her every action, including what she ate, where she went and whom she spoke with was restricted. She wasn't allowed to come visit my house, which consisted of only females and was one level below hers!

My uncle constantly ridiculed her for being overweight, so she began starving herself in attempt to please him. She eventually learned that her husband was not an engineer, and that he had no concrete means of earning. They are currently facing severe economic difficulties. My uncle has decided to change his mind and let his wife work as a seamstress. The woman who was planning to pursue a career in science has become a seamstress.

I have a cousin who is obese and an alcoholic. He used to abuse his wife, and constantly accused her of infidelity.  I have heard that he was having an affair himself, but I am not sure. He once insulted her in the middle of the street, cursed at her, with several bystanders watching. When she dicided to divorce him, his family told us that she was an evil woman who abused HIM. It was from external sources, and from his wife that we learned the truth. For example, the incident on the street was witnessed by several bystanders. These were all people from within our community, so naturally, the news spread like wildfire. It is not just a rumour that he drinks, so I was not surprised when his wife told us he beat her.

Another one of my cousins came to my house just today, informing my parents that he has separated from his wife of two years. He claimed that she had conned him, ran away with all his money, and had always been very controlling, when all he did was try to make her happy. He pointed out just before he left that he found another woman and has happily gotten over his wife. That last statement made it pretty obvious that he had cheated on her. He then come to us so he could tell his story before the truth got out. The truth is that he is a womanizer. There have been previous rumours of his affairs with women. He had assaulted a woman once in his teenage years. Yet he had the audacity to blame the divorce on his wife, who I know to be a very kind person.

I can go one with the stories, but I think you get the picture. Trust me when I say that every single man in my family has some serious problem. I am terrified at the thought of another woman's life being ruined because of these disgraceful people. As I already told you, their family members conceal their faults.

I knew about my cousins and my uncle before their respective marriages, yet I said nothing to their future spouses. I now feel responsible for the suffering of these women.

My question is, what should I do the next time I meet one of my family members' future spouses, should I warn them of the nature of these men, or should I remain quiet? What is the Islamic thing to do?

I would like to point out that I can not approach my family members and ask them to be honest about their character, employment, or history. They will definately not listen to me, and my actions could trigger a year-long feud.

I fear the treatment of my future sisters-in-law, so please, I need your help.

Thank you.

- rafindra


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Rafindra,

    Masha Allah, I am amazed to see your concern for the women in the family and your concern for future behavior.

    As far as informing others about the truth is concerned and women in the family, you may consider below points:
    1. Inform those who seek your advice
    2. If you want to inform those who do not seek your advice because they don’t know you, let the information you want to pass on go through a common person in between such that your ties with the family are not harmed due to someone’s gossip or back biting or mixing your words with other words to stir up problems.
    3. Choose the people of good conduct to convey the message you want to give to future spouses
    4. As far as reformation of these men is concerned, there needs to be someone within the family who can instruct them in to the Qur’an, who can read out to them verses of Allah’s book so that they may fear Allah, if Allah wills so and they may be guided by its hikmah.
    5. The women of the house need to be firm on Islam. They need to be regular in prayers and fasts and charity and zikr of Allah and strong in purpose as well. They need to give husbands chance to improve and tell them their requirements in plain terms and if not worked out, then its consequences.
    6. If they are troubled by their husbands, they should seek to approach the matter with kindness, if they fear ill treatment or desertion from their husbands and their efforts to make peace with them fail, they may go for a divorce.

    I know being married since many years it is hard to get divorced, as there are lot of factors to consider.
    So it depends on every individual, if they believe they can bear the load and move on, it is up to them, if they think the load is too heavy and they are unable to carry it, they should drop the load and be comfortable.
    A person may choose what he/she feels is good for the dunya and good for aakhirah. If the women in the house feel their lives without their husbands will be better, they may take steps with justice, to work for a better life.

    Allah has no shortage of good men and good women in store for the good, so whosoever separates after hurt and gets no peace from it, Allah will give him/her good from His abundance.

    Trust Allah a lot, ask women in the house to be firm on the deen, to strengthen their iimaan and fight ignorance with knowledge and wisdom.

    Salaam,
    Your brother,
    Munib.

  2. Salaams Sister

    It's good to see that you do worry alot about your family members. I feel that you should only inform those who ask you for advice. I do realize that this isn't fair for all the innocent women that marry into the family but what other choice do you have? You can try and advice the family men about their bad behaviour or ask an elderly, learned and sensible person to do this. He should call up a family meeting and discuss these issues. This behaviour is repetitive. It could be as a result of youngsters watching their elders do this, so they are simply just following by example. An example which isn't excepted in a normal society.

    Sister when you speak of "sister-in-laws", are you referring to your future brothers wife's. If this is the case then you should speak to your brothers directly and try and educate them about what is right and wrong. Point out these examples so they know exactly what you mean.Hopefully they would change for the better.

    Rumaysa

  3. Asalaamualaykum Sister,

    I heard a talk by Sheikh Yassir Fazaga regarding marriage. He said that normally we are not allowed to say anything that dishonours another, but when it comes to marriage the rule is slightly different. Say what you need to say and no more, if revealing less does the job, thats better.

    For example, if you 'know' for a fact that a man drinks alcohol, or is a womaniser, or has lied about his working status but really does not bother working and perfers to live on state benefits, or has a history of abusing women, or is foul mouthed when he speaks, or does not 'care' about observing Salaah and Sawm, or he takes drugs etc - any of these alone are things that a prospective spouse should be made aware of. I would not though warn someone off a male in your family based on the behaviour of all the other males in your family because that is generalising.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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