Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to recover after a terrible break up?

liar heart

As Salamu Alaykum brothers and sisters,

And here I am again, with a heart full of sorrow, pain and disappointment. I really need advice from you brothers and sisters. Hopefully I can understand some issues since it's an Islamic site.

To understand my story better, you should read the post from before that I wrote last year:

It's been a while since I wrote my last post. I was feeling heartbroken after all the bad words my ex boyfriend wrote me and said during his summer holidays abroad. In spite of my wishes, he decided to cut off our relationship. My efforts were equal to zero for him, and he didn't want to try anymore. So after our last conversation and his hurtful comments about me, I did cut all the contacts. I was expecting to feel better soon. I knew that he would be abroad for 3 more months. It was a good oppurtunity towards healing my broken heart and trying to forget him.

We didn't talk for the whole summer; he just sent me one message at the end of his holidays saying that he had just landed in his motherland and if something happens to him he wanted me to know that if I follow his teaching I will find a great man who is a millionaire (teachings like: dressing long, not clubbing, and similar things which he couldn't follow himself). In the end he said sorry for making me cry. I didn't reply anything, but was just focusing on healing my broken heart. It was a really hard time for me, because I stayed in the place where all the memories still linger. It was very hurtful to know that he went abroad, found a comfortable opportunity to end everything, and left me just like this with broken heart- with all memories inside, all dreams shattered.

Anyways, no matter how hard it was, I found strength to look at the world brightly again. It took me a lot of courage and effort, but little by little I started to regain my self confidence and feel happy. At that time everything seemed much better, and I was sure I was getting over him. Even if I met him once more after 3 months, I would be strong enough to walk away. Summer passed, and I knew he was coming back soon. Because he lives just next to me I was worried to meet him, but still I believed I would be enough strong to push him away and tell him how bad he hurt me.

It happened that we met one day. He called my name and started running towards me. I didn't want to talk, and just tried to walk faster so that I didn't see him. He stopped me,  and when I looked at his eyes- that moment I understood that I'm not over him and I still do love him, even after all he did to me. I got really sad, scared, angry and suprisingly happy at that moment, and I didnt know what to do! He was looking kind of calm, and asked how I'm doing. I was surprised, because he wasn't feeling guilty at all! I pointed out how much suffering and pain he caused me during those 3 months we didnt talk, and he felt bad in the end. He started insisting on spending more time together, because he missed me so much and he wanted to tell me about his summer holidays, and talk more about what happened between us. I just wanted to leave as soon as possible, and told him I didn't want to spend any time with him. Then he hugged me, and at that moment my heart melted once more.  I couldn't do anything about it- it was just stronger than me- the love I had for this man.

Later on, we met few more times. He was apologizing for what he did, and promising me that this time he really changed and understood that he cannot live without me. He pointed out that his sister and 2 cousins were coming soon to study at the same university. He introduced me to his sister and his cousins. I was so happy, like never before! I was feeling that this time he was really serious with me.

Later on his father came to visit. I met him for the second time in my life. He was very caring, asking how it was going between me and him. His father was really angry for the things he did before, telling him not to be so strict and harsh on me. It was the best period of time ever, and it made me feel as if from then on everything would be just great.

But it wasn't. After few months passed, he started acting bad again. He was not interested in what I was doing- acting cold and hot. I was usually calling his sister to ask where he was, because he was not answering my calls. He started going out without telling me, drinking and similar things. I wanted to know what was going on with him, so I tried to talk with his sister or cousin, to ask their advice and opinion. I had a good connection with his sister and cousin from the begining, and they both liked me. We were going out together and having a really nice time.

Anyways, his sister never told me anything clear about him, just that everything would be fine, don't worry, he is busy with studies, or he is harsh and stubborn, his character is like this, etc. She was calming me down by telling me that he loves me and everything will be just fine. Sadly, I wasn‘t feeling the same way.Opposite to his sister, his cousin was much more caring about our relationship. She was always asking: is my cousin is treating you good? Do you want to talk about something? She was always ready to help.

Since I got really close to my ex boyfriend's cousin, one day she asked: what will you do if you ever break up with him? Would you accept to be his second wife? I just freaked out after these questions. It seemed she knew something, but she didn't want to tell me. After that the situation got worse. I felt like no one was telling me the truth, and they were hiding things from me. My ex boyfriend started going clubbing alone, drinking, and coming back home late. I was not in his plans. I started complaining about his behavior, but he just pointed out I was causing drama over nothing, and it was my fault that he acts a certain way.

I really didn‘t understand what was in his mind, because at one time he would be the man I always wanted- caring and sweet; and another time acting so bad and hurting me. One day he would tell me that if we ever had children they would be so beautiful, and another day he would be doubting about our future at all. I reached point where I was in the same situation once again,  but this time I was not alone. I got really close to my ex's cousin, and we started talking more about him. I asked why he was acting this way- did he really love me? I told her I was not virgin, and I don't have the best past, but I would do anything it takes to make him happy. She was always telling me I was such a nice girl, that he doesn't deserve me, and she feels ashamed about the way he treats me.

It was December and things got worse. A month prior I had borrowed some money from my ex. He knew that I was getting my salary soon. He was hardly writing me to ask about my day, or how I was doing. On the day that I got my salary, he wrote me that I should be very happy getting my money. Our relationship went so far down, that I couldn't believe he could put me this far down and asking about money. He pointed out that if we met, I should bring the money for him, too. That day I went to his cousin and told her about what he wrote. I couldn't stop crying, and she couldn't stop crying because she was so ashamed.

In the end he just pointed out that I didn't answer his calls, I didn't come to see him and bring his money, so I didn't respect him and he was going to bring my stuff to my home the next day. I kindly asked his cousin if she could take my stuff and give him the money. She was feeling really bad about it. After this happened, she started talking more about her cousin. She told me that he was not so innocent as he was pretending. That he loves clubbing and drinking (he told me the total opposite). She also said I shouldn‘t be worried about my past, because his past is no better than mine. Also that I'm not the first girl crying over him and similar things.

There was one man studying at the same university that said additional things after he saw how bad I was feeling. He said that he saw him around other girl's company many times. All the images I had about him were shattered. In the end, his cousin pointed out that I should forget him, because he was cheating on me with another girl. I was totally shocked! She said that his sister also knew everything about the other girl. I felt so disgusted, that they could lie so badly to me. His cousin told me that he even wanted to introduce a new girl, but she didn't accept. She said that his sister was keeping in contact with me only for the benefits- that I would teach her language,  would help with homework, or would help in a foreign country.

I was totally hurt after I knew more about my ex. Later on after the break up he tried to contact me, but I blocked him everywhere, and kindly asked his cousin to tell him that I knew he was cheating on me. Anyways, after that he created a new account on facebook to contact me with. He was asking why I was acting that way. I don't want to talk to him. He even wrote my close friend asking why I was not speaking to him. My friend kindly asked him to stop contacting me and stop ruining my life since he didn't want to be serious with me. He pointed out that he was always looking a serious way at me, isn't that crazy?

Since he insisted to meet, I offered to meet at his cousin's place, so he could tell me what he wanted. He was acting (AS ALWAYS) as if he didn't do anything wrong. I asked if he cheated on me with another girl, and he swore that he never cheated on me. He admitted that he took two girls home after clubbing with another guy, but he didn't do anything with them. I told him that I didn't believe it.

After that he took the Koran and said that he would swear on Koran, and that if he lied God would punish him badly, even kill him. He took the Koran and swore he didn't cheat on me. After that I asked him to swear that his mom knew about me? He sweore on Koran that his mom knew about me and that he would even call her. But he never did call after, anyways. He also promised that his sister never knew that he brought girls to his place after clubbing. I was all messed up again- could his cousin lie about these things? For what? What's the reason, then? How did she know that he was seeing another girl?

In the end, I didn't know who to believe. I was so lost. I was having pressure from the cousin's side, and also from my ex's side. In the begining I didn't tell him I heard about the girl from his cousin- but from my friends, because they saw him in the club with a girl. I really didn't know what to do, because swearing on Koran is a big thing, isn't it?

Anyways, little by little he found out I knew much about his past. He asked me how I knew it. I didn't tell him it was his cousin that told me, but he already had that idea. My ex and his sister were just denying everything. I got really tired of all the lies, so I asked to meet them all and talk about this issue. When we met, the cousin was denying everything. She called me miserable and said I could go and die.

After this meeting, my ex's family and cousin's family got into big fight. The cousin said it was me that caused the fight between the two families. I couldn't really believe that! The cousin was trying to convince my ex that I was lying about the things she said, and trying to make them fight? That's ridiculious. Is it common for such things to happen in arabic families?

In the end, my ex pointed out that I was silly to trust his cousin, especially when she denied everything and proved she was lying. He said that her family is just jealous of his family, but how come she knew about the girl? I don't get anything until now.

After all this drama happened, my ex boyfriend apologized for seeing another girl, and promised me he would never do it again. I know, it sounds ridiculious! And I felt so bad each time I believed his promises. I am very naive, and when I love I forgive too much. But in the end I can't understand where his limits are? How can he go so far, and make promises over and over again?
At the end of this realationship I started feeling really bad. I was always nervous, sad and depressed because of each time I believed the promises and he didn't keep them. I started to get problems with my health. One day my blood pressure went so high that I ended up in the hospital. Before this happened, my ex boyfriend had exams and said he could not meet me because he needed to concentrate on his studies. I didn't see him for few weeks, so I was begging him to write me at least one sweet word because I missed him. I told him I had problems with my heart, and my blood pressure was too high. He said that he was stressed also, and he had blood pressure highs too, so I shouldn't complain. When I did end up in the hospital he didn't believe me. He just said I was looking for attention.  Only after a few days passed he realized I was not lying. He came to my home saying he was sorry, and gave the excuse that his friends' girlfriends usually lie about things to get attention. It's very sad and hurtful.

Later on, he asked to celebrate valentine's day together, because he wanted to take me out for dinner and spend time together. I accepted. He brought a huge bunch of flowers and took me to dinner at a restaurant. But I can't understand this behavior, is it even normal? It's a torture for a person like me who is truly in love.  I asked him if he changed his mind about women after such a long time of  us being together in relationship. He said that he still could not change his mind about virginity, and he still wanted a virgin girl to marry. He said that before he met me I was zero, and only because of him I became a nice girl. It was just terrible to hear something like that.

Since that talk, I've felt like he is really disgusting and has no heart. When you give all of yourself, you expect that person will appreciate you. Our contact was getting less and less. I understood that no matter how hard I tried, this person would never change his mind, because he never used his heart in our realationship- sadly. He told me to be relaxed and happy, yet at the same time pushed me down and told me how I was not enough good to him.

One day I decided it has to end. I went to his place without telling him (I never did that before, by the way!). I wanted to talk with him long before that, but he was so busy that we didn't see each other for few weeks. So I didn't wait any more and went to him. When he opened door and saw me he grabbed me hard, pushed me away and closed the door. I got very scared, as it was hurting me a lot. I started crying. I couldn't believe this was the same person I was in realationship with for so long.

I was about to leave, but then I decided to come back and say what I wanted to say. He did let me in, but he didn't even ask if I was ok,  or if he hurt me. I asked to break up, and said that I  didn't want any contact from him anymore. He agreed and said that it's perfect! I couldn't believe that he became so cruel. I had a huge mark on my hand for a few weeks. It's still hard for me to believe what happened, and that he raised a hand on me. Why he would do that?

I am just feeling so lost and empty. I gave all the best I had in myself, I loved the person unconditionally- no matter what. I thought one day he would understand that love matters the most, and your soul matters the most. I might not be a virgin, but I am honest, loyal and I love unconditionally.

I know some of you will wonder why I stayed with him for so long,  if he treated me so bad. The point is that he made me feel worthless. His little comments used to break me down and make me feel that I didn‘t deserve better. Each time we broke up, he made me feel as if I would not find someone else. He made me feel so bad, so low, and that I was not even worth getting married to because of my past.

It's like someone repeating to you every day that you are ugly. I think listening  to such things so often sooner or later affect you badly and destroy your self confidence. Especially whe you hear it from the person you love the most! Or if someone made comments about your figure- that you are fat. How many girls all over the world ruined their health because of such comments! There is a wonderful saying: never look down on someone unless you're helping them up. Now when I think about all I went through, I can't undersatnd why I had so much patience and kindness for this person. God knows how much I suffered, I can't describe my pain.

It's been a few months since I've had no contact with this person. He didn't apologize or try to contact me. I am thankful to God that I haven't met him again. I just wonder how he sleeps at night? I feel I won't be able to trust any man in my life again, after all I went through.

Are there any prayers to heal a broken heart, and forget about the pain and sorrow? Is arabic culture so cruel? I'm still trying to find out why he ended our relationship in such a terrible way by raising a hand on me. I'm sorry for a very long text, but I really needed to share it with someone. I will ask all you brothers and sisters to pray for me, that God forgive my sins and brings me the person I deserve.


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23 Responses »

  1. I am in the same boat. Well almost I lost my virginity when I astrayed from Islam now I don't think I will ever be able to marry. I have asked for forgiveness and hope someone will accept my mistakes.

    I did not have time to read your entire letter but will say this you should avoid these stupid relationships in all because it is a sin and because it will only bring you heart ache. I know you desire companionship but theis isn't the way to get it. You are lowering your self worth. Take it from someone who has been there. Just pray to Allah and have A LOT of faith in Him. I swear your pain will go away and InshAllah someoen awesome will come into your life. There is more to life than men.

    • Hi there pious muslimah

      I've been in a very similar position to you and I'm losing hope, I don't know what to do and I feel I can never get married due to my past, Ramadan is coming really soon and I feel like I'm in despair and like I have ruined myself, how can I emotionally and mentally begin to even move on from this :'( I feel like Allah is angry at me and I feel so impure </3

  2. Wa Aleikum assalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu . I'm truly sorry that you had to suffer through this ; but as this is an islamic website, I feel I must tell you that this happened due to haram behavior and affections. He didn't respect you as a Muslimah , 1) because he knew your past and 2) because you were willing to be in a haram relationship; even though his sinful behavior seemed to be worse than yours. It's not an Arab culture , it happens in all cultures. Sadly , as Muslims we are failing to uphold the hopes that our beloved prophet (saw) had for us. His many times of crying until his feet were swollen and beard drenched , crying out to Allaah "ya Allaah my Ummah my Ummah" and indeed we are failing him and ourselves. Astaghfirullah. I have heard of these things happening much and indeed it's saddening. But if we don't respect the sanctity of marriage then how can we expect the one we love to. This is a bitter reality. And by no means do I mean to sound harsh , wallahi I just wan to recognize the core issue . You formed a haram bond with a non-mahram who didn't respect you as a girl , let alone a Muslimah. Such men have not perfected their deen even to a minimum. I do want to say one thing .. Umar RA once said that those with the worst pasts , are of the ones with the best future. Your strength would have come from Allaah subhan wa t'ala had you turned to Him in repentance and left this boy for the the sake of Allaah. As women we are emotionally weak (I know some will disagree) but it's true. Our only source of strength to provide that comfort is turning to Allaah completely and laying our hearts down for Him to have and own completely (figurative speech btw) You can't cling to your past because nothing will change it . Nothing can stop the pain , or hurt , or feelings of betrayal until you give your heart to Allaah first and foremost. There was a reason Allaah tells us to lower our gaze and forbids us touching or mixing with non-mahrams. Not only is it to protect us from the fire but these commands were to protect us from what you are experiencing now. That's how much Allaah loves us , He wanted to protect us from such pain and heartbreak that we inflict upon ourselves. If you worked on your relationship with Allaah then know that you would see a lesson and good in what happened to you. You would have a strength and determination that you would think you would never have. Because this dunya is designed to break our hearts. Allaah is Al-Jabbar the mender of broken hearts. I understand that you might feel humiliated after how he and his family treated you but I also wanted to remind you of a beautiful dua of the prophet muhammad (saw) when he was humiliated “O Allaah! To you alone I complain my weakness, my scarcity of resources, and the humiliation I have been subjected to by people. O Most Merciful of those who have mercy! You are the Lord of the weak, and You are My Lord too. To whom have you entrusted me? To a distant person who receives me with hostility? Or to an enemy to whom you have granted authority over my affair?
    But as long as You are not angry with me, I do no care, except that Your favor is a more expansive relief to me. I seek refuge in the light of Your Face by which all darkness is dispelled and every affair of this world and the next is set right, lest Your anger or Your displeasure descend upon me. Yours is the right to reproach until You are pleased. There is no power and no might except by You.” SubhanAllaah. Your heart was broken out of disobedience to Allaah swt, but it's not to late. The best advice I can give you is to turn to Allaah with all your heart and soul , to leave all haram, lower your gaze and keep away from non-mahram men. Focus on earning Jannah and don't let this dunya devour you for temporary enjoyments. And glorify Allaah that He in His majesty and Glory saved you from a man who might have beat /torture/humiliate you in marriage. Allaah has given you another chance to come to Him , please don't waste his favors on you in shaa Allaah .

    Allaah knows best all things

    • Thank you so much for your advice. I am trying my best to be close to the God. I am not muslim by the way, so we have some differences in christian religion. I went to do confession 1 month ago, it is essential for us if we want forginess from God. So I did all things possible that would make me feel better in a soul. I strongly decided not to have any physical intercourse before marriage. I hope it will go fine with Gods help. But since I live in Europe its different here. Its not like your parents find a husband for you...I dont know really how everything will go, but I am trying my best not to sin and not to upset God with my behaviour.

      • Hey Salam sister. I always seek information, people's past experiences and Allah's guidance when something bad happens. Subhanalah. I find this sad that I only remember Allah when somethin bad happens. My girlfriend of 4/5 years has just broken up with me. I've come across your post and I can't exactly relate, but one thing you can understand is that I am all over the place. What are you doing with yourself now. How are things going and can you talk me trough the transition you went through to get to where you are today and how you have gotten yourself together. Hope I hear from you one day.


  3. asalaam alikuim

    i just wanna tell the admin of this page that i have posted my question like a month ago and it was on pending until now and today i just re-edit my post and suddenly it went down to the very last post of pending ... i m in need of advice urgent please can u post my article here asap because its drving me crazy because i ve been waiting for a month n above now and suddenly today it went to the very last post of pending when it was in the middle of other people's post please please post my article asap i need an advice.

    Jazak Allah khair for the help

    • Assalaamualaikam

      The waiting list for publication is based on date of original submission. The working pending list where people can update their posts is ordered based on the time of the last edit, but this doesn't affect where your post is in the queue.

      InshaAllah, your post should be published soon.

      Midnightmoon editor

  4. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    You have two choices:

    1. Be a slave to your emotions and desires while denying your responsbility in this matter (and trust me, you think you love him, but if you really did, you wouldn't want him to fall into sin with you either, that is true love.)


    2. Be a slave to Allah where you agree to forego acting on your feelings and submitting your will to Allah swt. Of course this be difficult, but it isn't impossible. It begins with the right choice.

    So sister, make the right choice. May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      Thanks for your advices.

      About the first choice. I am more than 100% sure I never loved anyone so much as this man. But we got into realationship when I didn't know much about religion and other very important things. After I knew more about it, I wanted that we would marry. But it was only a game for him...

      I just feel pitty, that I did so much for this man, and nothing was appreciated. Now I will forward my love to someone else, which is God, and I am sure it will be more than appreciated. Just gonna put all my trust on him, I know God wouldnt let me down....

  5. Only time will heal. Best thing to do is forget why he did this and that. He didnt treat you well thats why. Cut all contacts from him and his family(cousins). You said is Arabic culture so cruel? It happens in all ethinc group. Good and bad people everywhere.

    Your ex does not reprensent the rest of the guys. So dnt wrry plenty of good guys around. Dont do the datimg game, playing with fire will get you burnt.


    • 100% agreed with brother Ahmed.

      There are plenty of good practising Muslim guys around who are going to love you and make you happy inshaAllah.

      That evil guy is not a good Muslim--he doesn't follow the real teachings of Islam. No decent Muslim woman will be interested in marrying such a wicked man. In fact, he does not deserve a precious woman with a kind and gentle heart for true and pure love, like yourself MashaAllah--that is why he is in your past, so leave him in the past.

      Life should be moving towards the future, not backwards. The more you try to bring the past in the presence, the more things get contradicted and complicated for the future--so please take the lesson and be strong in getting rid of him, even if he comes back again with the most beautiful behaviour, or with the most charming words.

    • Dear Ahmed,

      I am trying my best to forget things. But sometimes it still comes up, because till now I can't understand how a person can be so cruel.
      By the way I did cut all contacts long ago.

      I wish my parents could find me a man, but things are different here. Here everyone finds a soulmate for himself/herself. I am not muslim by the way. So what do you advice me to do? I dont' want to date, but also I don't want to stay alone too. And my parents won't bring me the husband for me.

      • Hi Daisy. How can I contact you in private? I've had a similar experience. I live in Malaysia and a lot of foreigners come here to make a living/study, etc.


      • -Daisy- I wish my parents could find me a man, but things are different here. Here everyone finds a soulmate for himself/herself. I am not muslim by the way. So what do you advice me to do? I dont' want to date, but also I don't want to stay alone too. And my parents won't bring me the husband for me.

        You should date but with touching, no sex, no hugs, no kissing. Don't be alone with a guy? Let the guy know about your limits in advance. Don't discuss your past sex life.

  6. Cover yourself, little sister. You need protection. Cover yourself in prayer, modesty, silence, stillness, contemplation, humility, a look of coldness toward men; even as your heart is as gentle as it is.

    Cover yourself until God brings you your man of God. You will know him by the behavior I described in your previous post. Do not offer a smile to anything less. Your heart simply can't afford it.

    You need to be strict with your warm and willing heart. Learn about Islam. You will learn the clear steps, way, and path.

  7. Assalamualaykum dear Sister

    I want to share what I have learnt, Inshallah it will help you too.

    We settle for the type of love that we feel we deserve.

    This is similar to the way that we allow others to treat us, and in this way, people can take advantage of us because we do not stop the bad treatment. It happens a lot. Especially with soft, innocent girls with good hearts. We aren't always exposed to the big bad world and how it can hurt us. So when it does- it hurts. Hard. And knocks us down in such a way that we do not know how to handle it.

    Alhamdulillah, being knocked down puts in a perfect position to pray.

    It's not easy my dear Sister, but be patient and persevere. Heal your heart by filling it with Allah. Make shukr that Allah saved you now, imagine of you were married to him. He has been so merciful to allow you to see the truth now.

    Make Istikhfar for past relationships and abundant zikr and salawaat, it really helps tremendously with healing a broken heart. And don't worry about what other people say about you- they are just washing away your sins.

    Hope and prayer are always there. Just be strong and have faith, May. Allah make it easy for you and give you a pious husband who is compatible for you and brings you closer to Allah.

    "Bismillahillathi la yadurru ma'a is-mihi shay-oh fil ardi wala fissama-i wahuwassami-ul aleem" read that morning and evening for Allah's protection from calamities.

    • Dear sister,

      your reply was really beautiful, and few sayings really touched my heart:
      1) Alhamdulillah, being knocked down puts in a perfect position to pray.
      2) And don't worry about what other people say about you- they are just washing away your sins.

      So beautifully said. Thanks for your support, I am trying my best to be happy and going right path in my life which leads to God.

  8. I understnd sis coz my situation is just like u he started ignore me all of sudden my tears nd all can't bring him back to me he even spoiled my birthday
    Plz pray for me brother and sister plz

  9. Assalam Alaikum sister.......
    In Sha Allah my prayers are with you....I hope you get to feel better and I pray by now you have already moved on ......

  10. Dear Sisters,

    I am 33 years old muslim, have never married. My muslim girl friend decided to marry someone else. We are talking for 4 years. I waited for her but now feeling very depressed and looking again 🙁

    I am living in Frankfurt Germany and its very hard to find a Muslima in western countries.
    I need help to find a partner for me.

    Kind regards,
    Umer Farooq.

    • As-salamu alaykum brother Umer. This is not the right place to post your marriage request as we do not allow that, nor do we allow posting private contact information. You could try joining one of the Muslim matrimonial services, such as,,, etc.

      May Allah aid you in your search and give you a good companion.

      Wael Editor

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