Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t know how to tell my father I want to marry

disappointed father

Basically I have two questions,  firstly in relation to my dad and secondly in relation to me wanting to get married.

The more important topic in relation to my dad: I am now 20 years old and will be 21 in July 2011. Me and my dad have never seen eye to eye and I personally respect him so much but I do get nothing out of it.

I have started to pray namaz, I have also continued studying as he wished, and I have been working since I was 16 when I left school in banking because this is something he wanted me to do.

Since I have started working I have always given him my wages in one way or another and it feels good but he always doubts me and feels I am up to no good when deep down I am really not.  I admit that I spend a lot time in my room recently and on the computer the only reason for this is so I can study computer programming in my spare time and he does not believe me.

He calls me uneducated.  I didn’t pass my GCSE’s according to his standards, hence why I am working and my brother is not mashallah.  He's done really well and is going college full time, and my dad openly admits that he is better than me.  I agree he is a good guy for his age, as I have worked already full time for a year.  He also says I can't be his son; he openly admits that he feels he does not like me yet I still do try.  I am really confused.

Can you help me? One thing to mention- he is someone who you can't just  sit down and talk with about it. I have 1 little brother who is 17 and 2 sisters (one is 22 and other is 14),  and he is absolutely fine with them- laughs and jokes- but me and my dad never do that.  Last thing to mention is that he wanted me to work (which I am),  he wanted me to study (which I am),  he wanted me to start namaz (which I am, alhumdulillah).

I am really trying and he is even saying that my namaz that I pray is just an act. I really hope you can help me in this case and pray for me please.

Second point in relation to me getting married: I met this girl who is a Muslim.  She is practicing and also wears a hijab, attended Islamic school in London,  can read the quran, and mashallah is from a good family. She has never been in a relationship with a guy. I have got to know her and it has come to the stage that we feel we are both ready for marriage in the year 2012. we have both performed istikarah and received positive results but her parents already know about me and feel that it is a good idea.

But I still cannot find the way to tell my dad that I want to get married because I would only get a response which would be criticism and he would most likely want me to leave. but I have not touched, not hugged, and not kissed this girl and feel that for me to continue this and not perform zinah I want to get married. I am mashallah financially stable and feel that I am ready.

Please pray for me on this case and advise me on what I should do please.

- bilal7861

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7 Responses »

  1. its called being scared .... just go to your dad and say dad could i speak with you for a moment pls.... dad i want to get married..... then say what you hav said she is a good girl from a good family...... well after thats done you will be so releaved and you will think ahhh that wasnt as difficult as i thought. this is my opinion and shoot me if you like 21 is too young for a guy to get married his mind is still roaming around and he is not certain about what he wants in life although he thinks he does his ideas change occasionaly and he is not mature enough his confidence is very low and he cares less about morals 24-up is a good age to get married for a guy..... well for a girl can get married at any age as long as she is baaligh age doesnt matter for a girl but character does personality deen intellect intelligence and a girl can possess all this qualities at a young age already....

  2. Salaam brother,

    Im sorry to hear the situation you are in and your father's behaviour towards you. It is nice to know that you have started praying, mashAllah. Please stick to it and be patient.

    Why dont you try and approach you mum about it and ask her to talk to your dad for you? (But maybe then, your dad will want your elder sis to get married frst before you, may be not...but thats another matter) But still, try talk to your mum and get the feel about the situation. Maybe if your mum talks to him for you, he may have a different reaction if you tell him yourself. take you mum in confidence and ask for her help.

    Another thing that you may want to do, it may seem abit weird, but you can write your dad a letter...dont write about the marriage in the first lines though! 🙂 but write to him and tell him how you feel, how hurt you are by his behaviour, make him realise that, as you have said, you have done everything as per his wishes and let him know your true feelings - in another word, pour your heart out inthat letter, tell him everything that you would like to tell him face to face. Probability that he reads the letter to the end is higher than that of listening to all what u have to say...InshAllah. The letter may be food for thought for him, he may not revert back to you immediately but will surely within some days.

    Maybe your dad doesnt realise how he is behaving towards you, but im sure he NEVER and DOESNT want bad for you, maybe it is just his way of caring/loving...its weird, but people are different and we have to accept that.

    Please have patience and inshAllah everything will be fine.


  3. As salamu alaykum bilal,

    Thank you very much for sharing your soft and nice Heart. I see through your words the unconditional respect and love you have to your father.

    If you want to marry and you can settle down by yourself, I don´t see why your father should oppose. In this case, I would tell you to go directly to him, he wants a man in you, then show him you are a man able to take his own decisions and have a family of your own. Do it in the most loving, respectful and straight way you can do it, may Allah(swt) guide you to the right moment, place and the right words, insha´Allah.

    It doesn´t matter which would be your father´s response, don´t worry about that now, at least you have done the step of getting close to him and you have shown him, you are not a child anymore and despite of the way he has treated you, you honour and respect him, don´t worry if it sounds like he didn´t notice it, he will, insha´Allah.

    Nobody is better than you, we are all different, we have different tasks to do in this life, you have wonderful qualities and you want to improve yourself, that tells a lot about you. Never give up your dreams, create a life where you will achieve your goals, insha´Allah.

    Sooner or later, if he wants to and Allah(swt) allowed it, his Heart will soften towards you.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María Editor

  4. Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh!

    May Allah Azzawajjal bless you immensely for being a good son!! inshaAllah you will definitely taste the fruits of being obedient and not rebellious to your dad!

    Wallah i was going to say what Naju mentioned (about writing a letter).... even i feel this is the best thing to do....and you can give a gift and a cute card along with the letter...*im serious!*

    And you definitely have to mention that you were trying to learn computer that's why you were in your room...

    And i dont think it'll be good to speak to your mum and let your dad know about it..... making him know indirectly may leave him in fumes...

    so write the letter and see how he is.... then after 2 weeks or so you can speak to him about the girl.....

    last but not the least....remember mean always remember,...that Allah S.W.T. is able to do everything....He is able to change your dad's heart.... so wake up in the last part of the night (around 1 or 2 hours before fajr) and make sincere dua to AllahS.W.T to help you....

    And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Salihun (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficent for His creatures' needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people).Surah Nur:32

    The Messenger of Allah, May Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “O young men! Any of you who are able to marry should do so. It lowers the eyes and protects the private parts. Any of you who are unable to do so should fast. Fasting is a protection for you. (Sahih Bukhari)
    An Nawawi said, “My companions consider the term ‘young men’ to cover all those who are between the age of puberty and thirty years old.”

    Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, related that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “There are three people whom Allah is bound to help:
    someone who does jihad in the way of Allah,
    a slave who has been given a contact to free himself and desires to fulfil it
    someone who marries out of the desire to preserve his chastity.” Tirmidhi, classed as hasan by al-Albaani

    Ibn Mas’u d, may Allah be pleased with said, “Even if only ten days of my life remained, I would still get married because I would not like to meet Allah unmarried.” He also said, Seek wealth through marriage in conformity with the words of Allah, ‘If they are poor Allah will enrich them from His overflowing favour’ (Surah an Noor: Ayah 32)”.

    • Prophet Salallahu 'Alaihiwassalam is reported to have said " Exchange gifts with one another, for they remove ill feelings from the hearts" Tirmidhi.

      May Allah S.W.T. help you bro! Dont worry and try to keep your relationship with your dad and your family good... i advice that for myself before i do so for you...

      Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh!

  5. When I read your post, it was as if my daughter had written it. She, like yourself goes to school, she is 21 and studies hard, prays on time and is a very good girl. She goes to school and comes home and does not communicate with guys on any level. Of all my children, the relationship between her and her father is very similar to yours. He is fine with the other children but he treats her like I brought her home off the side of the if she isn't even his daughter. You cannot talk to him because there simply is no talking to him. It has been months...literally, and he will not talk to her at all. She has done nothing to deserve his behavior, it's just how he is. He has to be in control, sad I know. I have told him he is destroying their relationship by his childish behavior but he continues to be ignorant and will not listen. He is not aware but she is now seeing doctors because his treatment of her is affecting her emotional state. He is my husband, but I am thoroughly disgusted with his behavior. I have seen a lot of change as he has matured into older age. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He knows it all, you know nothing...that's how he is.

    My advice to you is, go to your father and tell him of your wish to marry this girl and that you would like his blessings. You may not get them, you just might...I don't know but...I will tell you this. With all due respect to your father, you have a life of your are your own person. You should not be compared to are you, someone original and very special. It is a terrible thing when a parent berates their child and makes them feel inferior. Be proud of your accomplishments and continue to pray. May Allah bring you and your father closer and may he see what a wonderful son he has. Good luck to you and congrats on finding who you believe to be your future wife and life partner.

  6. Hmm... Perhaps you have a good relationship with your mother that your father is jealous about?... Just because he's your father doesn't mean he's always right. I'm glad to see you still maintain respect towards him and strive to please him, hopfully for the sake of Pleasing Allah subhanhu wa tala.
    As for marriage, sorry to break it to you, but you're going to just have to mentally prepare yourself for a the worst , pray for the best, gather all your courage, and go get what is your Islamic right, and now obligation to have!! Always begin with the name of Allah subhanhu wa tala, turning to Him. If Allah subhanhu wa tala wants good for you no one can stop it, and if He wants bad for you even if you had an army to protect you no one can stop it. Turn to Him, ask Him and Insha'Allah when you sincerley put trust in Him, you will finds opportunities and doors open from ways you never expected!!

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