Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to tell my parents about my online Shia love?

Salaam, I have talked to a guy through internet for almost two years now. We both wish to see each other, as he lives in another country, he's from Lebanon and I am from Jordan but I live in Europe; Germany, with my family. We are both muslims, though I am sunni and he is shia muslim, but that has never been a problem between us.

The problem is that I am so afraid to tell my parents about him, especially my father who never could accept this. I wonder if I should tell my father or meet my love secretly. I feel depressed because I know I would feel guilty to my parents, I already do. My father would probably never want to speak to me again and tell me I am not a part of the family anymore. But I love this guy and he says he loves me. Should we just forget it all?

My mother knows I talk to him, but she doesn't know that we are in love, although she told me that she knows that I like him. I know I can tell my mother, but I am scared she would ruin it all. She does not really like the fact that he is shia, even though she is not against it.

Me and my love were planning to see each other next year when I live in another city because of my studies, and then he would come here. Then again I am afraid I would get busted. It is such a mess and I am so vulnerable with this issue.

How can I tell my parents in a good way, without feeling afraid or insecure, that there is a man I love in another country and that we need to meet? All I want is their understanding and acceptance. My love wanted to see my mother and send her greetings through webcamera, but I said no because I was afraid of my mother's reaction.

My dad is very conservative and would love to set me up with someone he knows. But he told me that I can choose myself, as long as my parents have the right to accept him. If they wouldn't accept him, I would not be able to marry him either.

I do not know what to do. I am afraid my father will reject me (my mother would never reject me I am sure of that) and never want to talk to me again.

What should I do? Should I say something and if yes, what should I say? Or should I keep it a secret until my love and I meet? Should I lie about how we met? I feel bad if I lie. What can I do?

Enshaa Allah, it will work out. Amin.

- Abelfawa

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5 Responses »

  1. Asalam alaykum,

    The most vital question is, "what is his intention?" Has he said if he wants to marry you or not? Are you ready to get married?

    Meeting is haraam and if you do, more than likely, you'll be writing us months from now how you fell into sin if you meet him alone without your parents. We would hate to hear you committed zina and became pregnant out of wedlock, because as you said, you are already susceptible and are not being 100% truthful with your parents.

    In the end, if you lie, it will come back to haunt and destroy any trust you have with your parents. If you meet him secretly, you can forget you father ever accepting him, but what you should worry you the most is not just hurting your parents, but doing it in conscious opposition to Allah (swt). Let me say that I believe that Shia/Sunni marriages can work and I have friends that have made it work, Alhamdulillah. However, you know that if you meet him alone that the traps of Shaytan will be waiting for you. You will be committing a sin and you know full well that you will only be fooling yourself for a short while. What happens if your parents catch you? How much misery will you endure? And of course, once again, you cannot hide this form Allah (swt). Please sister, in this instance you must practice patience and do the right thing.

    Unless this man is ready to talk of marriage, there is no sense in speaking to him any longer, since it is a sin.

    You're mother already knows, so there is no reason why this man cannot meet your mom over webcam and introduce himself. He should make his intentions known and speak to your mother honorably. Only in this way can you both hope that your mother will be able to speak to your father when the time comes to that. Yet, if you keep on fearing 'what could happen', you will be dragged into the sin of "causing the wrong thing to happen."

    If you are old enough to talk with this man, webcam with him and start developing feelings, then you are old enough to talk to your parents about marriage with him. You need to do this as quickly as possible or you are only causing more reason for your father to not accept him. This man must do the right thing if he really has good intentions and sincerity.

    As a matter of fact, you have already given all your answers to your questions, but you just need to reword it. I will do that for you.

    To your parents from you:

    All I want is your understanding and acceptance, as I am feeling afraid and insecure. I have met someone online and we have talked for some time. Mom, he wanted to meet you and send his greetings through webcam, but I said no because I was afraid of your reaction.

    Dad, I know you told me that I can choose for myself, as long as you accept him, but I want you to know that I already accept him for who I believe he is. Yes, he is a stranger though, and so I need you to guide me, as I wish to know him more with the intention of getting married. I respect your decisions, but I am such a mess and I am so vulnerable with this issue that I need your complete understanding and help.

    I do not know what to do. I am afraid you will reject him and you would never want to talk to me again because he is different than what you may want for me in a husband. If you can help me with this, I would want for him to come meet me at our home in Jordan, where he could sit and talk to you two.

    I love you both dearly, but I want to get married and I think he could be the one. There are differences between us, as he is Shia and we are Sunni, but father please, talk to him kindly because he wants to know me and both of you. I want to be married soon and maybe it is him. I love you and I am coming to you because I trust you, but please, give him and me a chance. If he is pure and honest, sincere and true, then judge him kindly as I think I can accept him. Please, help me.

  2. Salaam sister, 'for every pound we could gain, we must look at the pound we could lose' its a british phrase meaning for everything we could have, never forget we could well lose aswell, its applied to gambling and your situation is a big gamble.

    When were 'in love' we must think about what it means, but we never do we just feel this rush of emotions and ultimately ignore the hazard signs, but i am glad you posted your question here since you could be making a big mistake.
    I could tell you about being arm in arm, walking among gardens of roses and feeling in love when you meet this man, but i never fancied being a editor for shaytans game, so i will tell you the flip side of internet romance and the consequences.

    Men are like animals, what we want we will fight to get it whatever the consequence, and girls/women are incredibly gullible and oblivious to these traits, the key to a relationship is love, but in reality love is non-existent outside marriage so its lust disguised as love, put that format into a internet romance and you get the same thing only in words and images.
    I talked of this gullibility in females earlier let me expand, so a girl wants to be loved and wants to be cared for etc, now when in this state any attention from men is welcomed if they are 'not your type' then they boost your confidence as you reject them( at this point shaytan glorifies you and how you can get a better man and so you stay in that mindset), if however they are then theres trouble, the functions of a female mind almost die when it comes to men they find attractive in anyway, and so they switch off and dont realise what happening, this is the reason, that 14yr old girls are meeting 55yr old men because they have been tricked with a picture and words that are designed to play on emotions.
    That was a extreme example, but in your case your well aware of his appearance as you have seen him and talked on webcam, but that dosent mean he isnt playing with you, i notice throughout your post you refer to him as 'my love' and not simply 'guy', but what do you actually know about him, for a few hours he talks to you and then leaves but he could simply be talking to a number of women through his webcam and have many relationships, your oblivious to this because your 'in love' in other words your exactly where he wants you.
    You see your in love with a man who is on a camera for a few hours, yet you dont anything about his real dealings, im concerned about your safety sister,DONT see this guy without taking a male family member who can protect you, who knows what he is like, sister we live in a evil world with sick people and Allah forbid people who prey on women and girls who are alone, and especially in a new country, he may be convincing you but i ask you to be very cautious and dont fall into the 'love trap' because it can have severe consequences, secrets can cause hurt and pain, and this is not what we want

    My points have not answered your question, but before that think of what i have said, and think of your safety, he is arranging to meet you in another country, you are going alone and your being secretive, these bad signs and you really need to get out of this state of love, and see that beneath the bed of rose may lie a pool of blood.
    Sister you met a guy online, its been two years and you 'love' him, but hang on relationships outside marriage are wrong, especially webcam chats etc, so in reality your in a haraam relationship, secondly he wants to meet you, but in another country when you have no-one, that is not right at all and because your in this state of love your gullibility has been taken advantage of, and your even considering a secret meeting and that is the worst you could do, you know nothing about this man except what he tells you, i can tell you i am a millionaire, but that dosent mean i am and i could be a con man, so tread carefully and look at what your doing.
    Take your head out the sand, and see this in a different light, if he is genuine then ask him to visit you and ask your parents for your hand in marriage, why does he want to meet all alone, not only haraam but dangerous, Dont like to your parents, they are your support, by lying you are leaving everyone in doubt of what you are doing, you must use the correct route, if he is genuine then make him meet your parents in person, not in secret with you.
    Your a vulnerable girl, and you got to see it from a different angle, your question is irrelevant first you must consider what i have said, and ask him to follow rules and meet your parents, secondly if you meet in another country take a male family member with you for safety, do not go alone.

    But I love this guy and he says he loves me.
    Man will do and say anything to get what he wants, have a think and re-evaluate your position, i think you may be a victim rather than someone on their way to a perfect romance.

    However if this man is genuine and you inform your parents, i will also advise you on that issue.
    Tell your mother everything, and explain the situation you have and ask her thoughts, now ask this man to cut contact until you agree something with your parents, and if his claims of love are true then he will respect that, its is haraam to be in such a relationship, and so cut contact with him until your parents agree, his caste is a problem for most fathers, and so it will be difficult to convince, but with your mother accepting you can discuss the idea, others will expand more, but take note of my reply and dont fall into a trap, make sure you know everything, and remember shaytan can disguise anything, you must rise above and see the situation with your mind open, and always remember that Allah is always with you ask him for gudiance and you will never go wrong.
    I would also recommend you pray salat-ul-istikhara, and see the outcome of that, since then you can be sure, so yes definatly pray before doing anything else, and based on the outcome you can make your decision.

    I hope i have been of help, and that you understand i care for your safety and so discussed those other topics, i may be wrong and once you pray the istikhara you will know which route to take, and i wish you all the best, if you want any further advice ask me and i will be happy to olige.

    May you be guided to the right solution and the right path insha'Allah.

  3. Sister abelwafa,

    Answer to your question: 'should we just forget it all?'

    Yes, my dearest sister. Please forget about this online boy. Even if he comes across as best of muslim, you should break all contacts with him. Internet/technology life is very different to physical/natural life, esply if YOUR RESPECTED IS NOT INVOLVED.

    Sister, you only know his internet behaviour but you don't know so much more about him... Do you know if he writes with his right hand or left- not that it matters but still, do you know how he treats little kids and adults, have you seen him how he eats, have you seen his cleanse of his nails, have you seen his crowds of friends... All those may sound irrelavent questions but it would be those or maybe more bother you after marriage. you only know what he told you. You don't know what others might say about him. I am not saying he is bad but I am also not saying he is good. All I am saying online relationships are DANGEROUS, esply when walis are not involved!!!

    And sister, please marry a brother who follows the Quran and the sunnah of Prophet Muhammed (saw). Please educate yourself in Islam as then you will know your rights and responsibilties in Islam and inshaAllah when you get married, you would know how to treat your future respected husband and then inshaAllah when you have your beautiful kids, you will be the first teacher in their life to teach them good manners and beautiful Islam.

    Furthermore, in this life:
    Be a Best DAUGHTER,
    Be a Best SISTER,
    Be a Best WIFE,
    Be a Best MOTHER,
    Be a Best Muslimah but please don't ever be a best LOVERRRRRRR... Purely because Allah (swt) forbided premartial relationship.

    Sister, look after yourself. Kindly, remove the boy from your msn/yahoo messenger and then send him one last email him that you will never contact him again coz it is sin and then block his email address so he never convince you continue this premartial relationship.

    Repent to Allah (swt) for your all your errors and thank Allah (swt) greatly for protecting you from bad, sinful stuff.

    Take care,

  4. Salam,
    Why was "John"'s comment deleted?


    • Concerned, if it's the comment I think you are referring to, any comment that says that Shiah are not Muslim, Sufis are not Muslim, Salafis are not Muslim, etc, is not permitted on this site. That kind of absolutist rhetoric and divisive language is destructive to the Ummah.

      Wael Editor

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