Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to trust my wife when she has lied to me?

truth and lies

Aslaamalaikum brothers and sisters,

I am a Muslim man and have been married for 2years now.

When I married my wife I knew about her past as she had one boyfriend and we talked about it before we got married and it was dealt with. However after 2 months of marriage my wife told me that she had lied about some of the things she had told me as in to not upset me at that time but felt I deserved to know the truth and wanted a clean start. I worked with her and we talked and we sorted out the issue of her past.

However recently I have seen 2 messages from my wife's cousin to her friend which show that my wife still wanted to be with him, had love for him and missed him, whilst we were married.

After confronting my wife about this she said that her relative misinterpreted alot of what she said, for example my wife said to her relative that she missed her friends and like that her ex was one of her friends too, she also told me she said to her relative like that she has love for her friends and like her ex is also her friend, so my wife is saying she said those things but in regards to all her friends and not just specifially to her ex in a way to make it seem she still loves and wants to be with him, she is saying her relative got the wrong idea and misinterpreted what she said.

I don't know who to believe as my wife has lied to me before regarding her past as I mentioned, is there nothing I can do to like test her word as in get her to swear by Allah, however she isn't the most religious and so I am scared that by doing this she will intentionally lie and risk her soul by lying. Is there anything else I can do?

Thank you for your time.

- husnain87

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

20 Responses »

  1. I truly believe you should not listen to other people especially family members. I truly believe the family member is stirring your relationship with your wife maybe their jealous. You should communicate more with each other and build love, trust and mostly if your wife already said theres nothing going on then that’s it. I hope you both work things out and all the best.

    • Mmm, Contrary to how samina feel's i don't think her relatives are stirring anything up, its all just a misunderstanding, which we shouldn't start to read a lot into, if she is saying her cousin misinterpreted her, then believe it, until and unless you have solid proof.

      Am sorry i no you might think this sounds stupid and it's 'real' life were talking about and not some small mere misunderstanding that you should not dwell much into, buh you have to understand you can't just spoil your relationships on 'what if's', you have to trust your wife, until you have reasons not to otherwise. And like samina said communicate more, express your love to her, Show her how much you care. May Allah (Swt) Shower Your Life With His Blessings (Ameen)


  2. Asslam O Alaikum brother Husnain:)-

    Brother I agree with sister Samina and Samira on your issue. You should trust your wife and forget about her past. If you had any proof then things would have been different, you don't have any proof. So, just based on a txt message which wasn't directly addressed to her ex, you can't make it an issue and create problems in your marriage. I believe it's just that you are feeling in-secure just because you know about her past, don't let these negative thoughts develop in your mind. Also brother, she is your wife and this relationship requires more trust, understanding, commitment and confidence in each other. Communicate with her and don't try to judge her on her past. Because, if you keep bringing this kind of issues up again and again, it might ruin your marriage. Also, she is sincere and faithful to you and that's why she opened her heart out to you so that you could trust her. How many of partners do that now a days, in fact mostly men don't share their past (if they have anything which they should discuss with their spouse) Otherwise she could have kept it secret from you and you may not have found it out yourself, or if you do, then you might have been hurt badly just because she didn't trust you to share this and had a relationship wit someone else as well behind your back. So, honestly! in my opinion don't make an issue of it and love her as much as you can day and night and believe me love in itself has too much power. Even, if she has any feelings deep down somewhere then, your love and attention for her will over take them. That's the only way to deal with it and pls don't be suspicious of her just because of this txt thing or because she was in a casual relationship in the past. MOST IMPORTANTLY, DON'T LISTEN TO ANY OF THE RELATIVES, AS YOU ARE MATURE ENOUGH YOURSELF TO DEAL WITH ANY KIND OF SITUATION THAT MAY ARISE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. She is your wife and no one knows her better than you, so brush off all these thoughts and love and respect her everyday of your life as you fell in love with her when you guys first met:)-
    I hope you understand. May Allah help you both and other Muslim couple who are going through similar situations and make you all strong enough to face all the challenges that life throws at you:)- (Amin)
    Waslam, Mks1982

  3. Well my Muslim brother. I would believe your wife. I'm married and I would rather die than lie to my husband. Have Allah always in your mind. Pay attention to your wife, take her out, buy her nice things, tell her you love her, and just be there for her. good luck

  4. I agree with Samina. This family member seems to be stirring. First she questioned your wife about her past and ex friends, the she got a general statement out of her, then she texted this guy 'on behalf of your wife' and then she showed you the message and told you the conversation she had with your wife.

    Your wife didn't have anything to do with this except that she tried to sidestep some not so polite questions from her cousin. I don't see how she has lied to you in this regard.

    Please forget her past and tell her not to dig up ancient history and tell you. If Allah has cast purdah on something, then let it remain that way. YOU"RE the one she married. If she is telling you about her past it means she trusts you and wants your good regard. Just take it from there and like others have said, show her your love her and trust her.

  5. I totally agree the beautiful messages from everyone here who has replied. Your wife is a very decent, faithful and trustworthy person who has been honest with you about her past and because of this she trust you. You are very lucky to be married and found such an honest person who didn’t want lies into marriage. Please don’t let these negative thoughts beat you, she’s your wife and one decent lady, trust her and communicate because when heart is shared problem is solved. May you both be granted happiness and peace.

  6. I echo what everyone has written. You cannot base anything on something a cousin wrote. And why would your wife's cousin be discussing such a thing with someone else? It's none of her business and she is spreading rumors and committing gheebah.

    Trust your wife. Leave the past in the past, it doesn't matter now. I have no doubt that your wife is loyal to you. Be grateful for what you have, Alhamdulillah.

    IslamicAnswers.,com Editor

  7. Salamualaikum Wb Wr

    Brother i know you must be feeling really bad about this but always remember one thing the shaitan is constantly trying to create problems between a husband and a keep making dua EVERYDAY to protect your married's not an advice only for you but it's for every married couple whether it's been 2 years since they are married or 30 yrs..

    recently there was an incident where some sort of coincidence happened (i dont want to write down what happened...internet is a small world :s ) and really things were gona get messed up between me and my friend...even if i was in her place i may have misunderstood...but subhanAllah that was the nature of the coincidence that ALWAYS speak directly to your wife so you dont interpret things even if they may seem real from the outer surface...

    the other really important thing is to help eachother islamically so that AllahSWT will protect your house..maybe you both can watch some interesting islamic lectures...maybe you can watch baba ali 😀
    i hope and pray that AllahSWT will protect my brothers and sisters who are married and who wants to get married...
    letz all pray for eachother! and letz all keep our trust in our One and Only Loving Lord!
    Make gifts to one another for a gift removes rancor from the chest.” (Tirmithi)
    go get her a gift today and give her a warm smile...may AllahSWT unite your hearts and keep you both happy in this world and akhira.Ameen!

  8. Believe your wife. She loves you and loved you enough to tell her the rest of her past so that the trust can build with your marriage.

  9. assalam alaikum bro
    i can understand in what situation situation u are coz iam also married according to me marraige is built on trust so plz believe ur wife coz she has set this bond very nicely with u and i request u to forget past and live in present coz thats the best way to solve ur problem an then u see ur life will become a bed of roses dont listen to third party its urs n ur wife's life and u both are going to live it together once u make a wrong decision ultimately both are the sufferers

    May Allah grant u happy And Peaceful Life

  10. it seems you hav'nt lied the whole of your life but your wife did. People do get engaged with some and marry some other and those some others, if relatives keep on haunting the whole life. You seem to me to be a too difficult person to be dealt with by your wife the whole of life.

  11. Thank u all for ur support and messages, however unfortunately everythng she has said has been lies, she had indeed been unfaithful not only during marriage but also during enggement, it seems my relative was being truthful.. We hav found all proof on her phone an also her old phone. It has been very difficult but I hve just turned to Allah because he knows best and has a reason for this occurring. Thank u all for ur support and messages,u r all gud ppl and islamically it right to forgive and be merciful but in this situation it cannot carry on, everythn has been a lie for the last 4years.. I did Try to trust her again but ther was always a part which knew deep down that something wasn't right, then again if someones phone is all password protected it does make u think what they could want to conceal.
    Salaams and thank or ur support.

    • Assalam O alaikum brother Husnain,

      Brother I really feel sorry for you and I can feel your heartache, if you have solid proof that your wife was having an affair with someone or she's been unfaithful, show these proofs to her. On final note brother try to give her a chance, sat her down and speak to her and show her all the proofs you have gathered in the form of txt, e-mail, or other sources and don't just go for the extreme option like separation or divorce. THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, THAT YOUR WIFE IS NOT HAPPY WITH AND IS LOOKING FOR THAT OUTSIDE (believe it or not there is always or most o the time something).Brother, I know, difficult it might sound but give her some chance and if you already have given her enough chances and there is no hope of her changing then, sort yourself out but in a nice Islamic way. Give her what belongs to her and leave a good impression and ONE MORE THING DON'T BRAG ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU BOTH TO ANYONE OUTSIDE EVEN IN YOUR FAMILY(except the ones who already know like your parents and her's) OR TO ANY OTHER PERSON WHO KNOWS BOTH FAMILIES OR AT LEAST YOU BOTH.
      Wasalam, Mks1982:)-

    • Salaam Hussnain,

      I am so sorry for all that has happened to you in this situation. Betrayal is one of the most difficult emotions for us to recover from.

      As this has already been discussed extensively in the comments above, I wanted simply to give you the following advice:

      1.) He decisions have nothing to do with you - betrayers are betrayers and they would betray the best of people and the worst of people without remorse.

      2.) There is no way that you should have or could have picked up signs and known about this by being more vigilant, because expecting your partner to be faithful, and trusting them to be faithful is a natural part of love. Therefore, you should not come to negative conclusions about yourself because of this situation

      3.) Limit your emotions to the actions of this one specific person and remember that her actions are out of your control, just as your next wife's actions will be out of control. Therefore, do not associate greater control and suspicion as a protection from this.

      I hope and pray that the pain you are feeling is limited by time and energy, and that you can move forward in your life in peace.


      Senior Editor, Islamic Answers

      • I have a similar situation in fact exactly the same and tbh I've given her one last chance if she lies and the ex comes back stays and disrespect me we are finished divorced so she said believe Allah swt and her so i am in a similar situation its a hard feeling but everyone Make dua for me InshaAllah

  12. Thank you for the advice and help :D.. I have given her chances before and shebhas continually abused it, it was with a Hindu person and although it shouldn't make a difference it just makes it a little worse as her actions are the most unislamic thing to do.. We are going to get divorced and as you said brother MK and laila I'm not going to expose her to her relatives for what she has done as I don't want to blackname her as such so she cannot remarry is an outcast, although there is a part of me which does want this as I am soo angry because this has been taking place for te last 4 yrs, during engagemnet and also marriage.. I di nit undrstand why she married me, as it was love marriage and if she had feelings for someone else she should been true to herself and me also.

    Please is there anythn I can do to get this anger out of me, I don't want to be angry in case I vent and tell everyone what sort if person she is, I just want to move on with my life and continue with what Allah has in store for me.

    Again, thank you all for your support, you all have been very helpful.

    • As salamu alaykum Husnain,

      This may help you, insha´Allah.

      The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has taught us some strategies for dealing with anger. For example, he said:

      “I know a word, the saying of which will cause him to relax, if he does say it. If he says: ‘I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan’ then all his anger will go away.” [Al-Bukhari; Vol. 4, No. 502]
      And he said,

      “Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4766]

      Abu Dharr narrated: The Apostle of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, said to us: “When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.” [Abu Daud; Book 41, No. 4764]

      May Allah(swt) guide every step you take to move on in your life in the best way for you.

      All my unconditional Respect,


  13. I would like to reply to this post.You said u would like to test her to see if she was telling u the truth but u were in fear that she would lie to u and risk her soul.There is not a need for a test if u know she is spirtually not truthful then U already know the truth.I am finding out the hard way myself with my own husband u can never seek the truth in a non truthful person.You have to be willing to be strong enough to accept that not everyone has the truth in them.
    I truly love my husband but he used me and lied to me and now I am learning that I have to live with this knowledge.I have begged for the truth cried pleaded u name it but at the end of the day he still don't trust on me enough or love me enough to be open and honest with me.He tells me I am bad and not good but I know this is his lies talking and not truth.I believe he loves me I truly do but he loves to hide his lies more than he loves me.You would never seek God in a Godless person why on earth would u seek truth in a lier? If u knew someone was a thief would u give him your money?If u knew someone was a murder would u give him your child to watch?I am not saying people can't change I believe they can but it has to come from THAT person.You can only show them the light and hope they change.

Leave a Response