Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to win my husband’s heart when mother-in-law is driving us apart?

Mother-in-law's tongue plant.

A plant known as mother-in-law's tongue.

Assalam O Alaikum,

I have been married for 1 year, in this past 1 year a lot has happened to me, I faced a lot of problems. Mainly with my mother-in-law; me and my husband love each other a lot but my mother-in-law always comes between us. She thinks that I am taking her son away from her but I am not doing that.

My mother-in-law dislikes sitting with me talking to me or even doing things toghter. I just don't understand that; I don't have any intention of taking her son away from her but why is she still doing that to me?

You know, I used to get so upset and used to complain to my husband. But my husband just didn't want to listen to me and use to ignore me because he use to be scared from his mum. I got so sick of it once that I had to leave because I was going mad living in that house. It felt like that it had become a jail for me and I couldn't see anyway out.

I stayed around my mum's house for 2 weeks thinking that everything will get better but it didn't it just got worst. It got so worse that my husband didn't want to see me or talk to me. I use to cry day and night praying that everything got better.

Now I have come back but nothing has changed everything is the same. I don't now what to do? I love my husband a lot but he can't see that I don't want to lose him but his mums always getting in the way.

Please advise me.


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25 Responses »

  1. dear sis aneeqa
    iam sorry for whats happening with you
    i understand coz iam also a daughter in law as well as a wife
    imy advice to you is be patient and hav sabr this will be very helpful
    if you ask any married women first few years of her will be the same as urs
    until you both get complete trust in each other
    as far about ur mother in law shez ur husband s mom and obviously she will care for her son although hez married hez still a kid to her
    my advice is it takes time for you to adjust coz its not only a year but it takes years to build trust and love in a relationship
    Lots of gud wishes
    i pray may Allah make your married life a happy one

    • Dear aneeqa,
      your case sounds same as mine. Even my mother in law feels insecure that i will take away her son. the first thing you shud do is stop complaining to ur husband coz men never understand women's things and gets irritated...handle ur mother in law ur way...hope this works....all the best!

    • I have been thru the exact same thing..I kept complaining about her behaviour to my husband but that made my relationship with my husband turn bad and he got even closer to his mother...but i learnt that the trick is to be calm ans compassionate instead of reacting to how she miatreats u bcz dat only encourages her Nd mks her happy u do ur best and take care of every one in da family in such a way that even ur husband shud notice and praise u..that wl mk her the one complaining about u out of jealousy and u look a better person than her but u sgud remember dat no matter wat u shud neva complain abt her or anybdy else frm his family bcz dat screws ur relationship wid ur husvand and he may stop spending time wid u to avoid ur cmplaints men never grow up its we who have to handle our situation on our own so dnt expct ur husband wl do anythn abt it ...n

  2. My advice to you is to communicate peacefully to the mother, then to the husband because i feel this is the best way to find peace. I mean she's his mother and he owe her the respect.. Dont behave rudely or arrogantly whilst talking to her, ask her to tell you the wrong's you have done and you are willing to change.,, just to please her, you may pretend to rue what she said you have done (if at all you do it) and ask her to forgive you. Dont argue with her even though she said bad or lies against you... Meet your husband at night or while you are alone and ask him to give you some time, tell him you really want to workout things in your marriage. Ask him to give you reasons why he's rejecting you and behaving the way he's doing.. If he give's a good point against you, you should apologise to him and ask him whether he is ready to workout things with you. Tell him you have settled things with his mom and you demand peace.. . . . . You may give this a try and Allah's willing, things would be fine

  3. Sorry if I left a very irritating msg, but that is the truth. I dont understand why mother in law's in our desi culture think its ok to ruin newly married relationships. Look at these other muslim cultures like arab white etc and other muslims ...they dont have this horrid rule that mother HAS to stay with son after marriage because she is a widow or sick or etc.

    Because of this many indian pakistani girls are getting divorced day in day out. May Allah make it easy for you sister. These past years for me have been HELL
    HELL and just as a reminder sweety please DONT GO to your parents home because that just makes it easier for the MIL (mother inlaw) to smother her poor innocent son and turns you into a witch.

    This is what would happen when I would get frustrated and leave to my parents home ...the MIL would totally turn my hubby against me MORE than what he was a word of caution...stick with your man DONT LEAVE him for even a week...these women LOVE it..and they take full advantage of it .

  4. When it comes to your mother in law I would suggest that has hard as it may be just always smile and give her polite responses, if she starts to be rude politely excuse yourself from the conversation, you can be polite without having to sit around and be treated poorly. Always treat her with kindness and do not let her get to you, or at least dont show that she does. When you need to express your frustrations about your mother in law talk to one person other than your husband about it, because complaining to him about it will make him feel he is in a position to have to pick a side and you don't want him to have to feel that way. If you need to get away from your mother in law, plan dates with your husband and maybe plan a weekend for the two of you to get away and reconnect without his mother around. Try to have a lot of patience and try to remember at times how your husband might be feeling during this time, even if he is not vocalizing it, he knows that there are problems and he should have an idea why and this must be very difficult for him as well, he has two women who are important in his life not getting along. I wish you good luck!

  5. Plan dates but make sure its at a last minute notice so the MIL cant interfere with you and cant pack along with you guys..
    .............hey is she a widow or do you have a FIL too?
    MIL without FIL is 10x worse because they use this emotional card all the time "i will die like your father died and my ghost will haunt you etc etc"
    Mine used to say it ALL the time when she saw my hubby being nice to me..finally after 3 years I got the courage to say "WHEN???" and she was shocked and never said it again in front of my face but always behind my back.

    Remember set boundaries early on like NOW and dont wait for years like me dont think this will get better or go away...cuz it wont if you dont stand up to it.
    ..........hey can you move out to an apt seperately?

    • asalmwalaikum sis

      i m Aliya and im 23yrs old i got married 3 months ago n i have faced lot of problems in this few days:(

      • Mee toooo.... the same... i also married 3months ago... and faced many problems wt my sis in law.. she is a married girl nd gave to birth 2babies also.. even though she lives at our home only she did nt go to her mother in laws home .. what i hav to do

      • Hi i am also facing same problem. I fight with my husband. He thinks wrong about me. What to do

    • me n my hubby both loves each other alot but my in laws create problem between us. because of them i fight wid my hubby every night n he says tat my parents loves uh. i dunno wats wrong:(

  6. No offence but really I feel that

    Marriage is a beautiful , but it gets so complexed , stressfull , painful
    That I m thinking staying single is 100 times better than being married

    • i have been married for last 6 months. feeling the same wt u me being single is 1000 times better than married...Its horrible to balance both the family.

  7. The best way of dealing with such kind of situation is to have trust on Allah and a complete faith that whatever happens for the best. Look at those people who suffer more than you, who lost their partners. I would say that do your best and leave everything on Allah, He is the one who can change even hearts.

    Try not to complain with your husband even tell him to look after his mother. In this way he will not only respect you but will love you. I faced the same problem and I used to feel very irritated but due to some reason I had to leave my husband for one year as my visa expired. In that one year I realised that what a time it was when we were together I wish I had made it better. Trust me the more open hearted you will be the more joyful you will feel. And one day a stage will come when your husband will be completely yours and I am loving this phase now my husband respect me and fully depend on me. Offer salat five times and keep intact with Allah and remember He is the one who always remain with you.

  8. wow anni mashallah that is very good your mother in law still with you guys though? or is she out of the picture so your husband loves you now more?

  9. i got a fight with my MIL and she call me a bitch and i talk back to her......"If i'm a bitch then how come your son loves me"?.........she keeps quiet and again say " you should look after your son properly or else he will die"?....what kind of MIL can say that?.......It is a very difficult situation for me since i'm not from this place.........But i glad my husband still there for me but now the mom stay wif him and i don't know what will happen to him now..........Is he still there fighting for me or is he listen to his witch mom now??

  10. Dear Annega,

    I had a similar unpleasant situation with my mother in law who is a two-face, who is always victimizing herself so all her dirty behaviour is covered up, she treated me badly not in front of her son. She will say that I was not good enough for his son. She talked badly about me to everyone. She talked to her son and say nasty things about me to turn him against me. She used me as a maid when I was in her house.

    She thinks she is decent and sells herself as a Christian person when she is actually a promiscuous woman always trying to control everything and being involves in our matters. She plays the victim all the time.

    I never expected to live with her, but I had no choice. I used to sleep in a spare bedroom and her son in another bedroom ,so we would not disrespect her house. However, she left her own daughter and her 1 month boyfriend slept together immediatly- DOBLE STANDAR -, she was extremely nice inviting him over and inviting him to all the family events (funerals, weddings, etc). My mother in law is a liar, manipulative and immoral woman.

    Everything got better when my hubby and I left the MIL's house. However, she still interfered in our business but not for so long.

    What I did was:

    I told my hubby all the things his mother said and did to me. (at the beginning, he kept on saying that his mother was a saint and I disrespected her- so we had many arguments )

    Then, I got information online about Threats to Marriage, and Dr.Phil articles about MIL.

    I told him that a man must choose his wife over his mother and that it was even in the Bible. A relationship is composed by TWO a man and a woman.(not MIL)

    I told him that he must stand by my side, protect me and never leave alone with his mother. If he wanted the relationship to work out he must behave like a man.

    I told him that his mother hurt me deeply and I did not want her in our relationship. I told him that it was not healthy to involve his mother in our business, because we were adults and because marriages do not work with invited third parties.
    I told him that He needed to be responsible for his own problems and stop calling his mother for advice. In other words, be a responsible, decent man.

  11. Dear Aneeqa salam u alikum,
    I have a story the same as you and I did sabr, praying and crying and a lot more. I have 4 kids and my narcissistic mother in law still drives us apart. If you don't have children leave him and find your self another husband in shah Allah because some mother in laws never stops until they separate their sons and anything good or normal you do is a problem for them. Now that I am married for 18 years I wish I had left my husband in the first year of my marriage.

  12. I am also facing these problems...

  13. Hi ,

    I am truly understanding what you are going through , Though it is easy to say that ignore your mother in law but thats very very difficult because her thoughts , practices , sytles are poles apart and since childhood your husband has grown looking at his mother he wont accept you and your thoughts so easily , He will put forth his mother whenever required . I would suggest you
    to stay happy within yourself generally women forget to take care of themselves after marriage ,They forget what they were before marriage . Start going out without your husband shopping , go out with friends . Have a life that diverts you from all this negativity and this will not only help you realize that life is more than husband and mother in law it will also help your husband and mother in law realize your importance as for them you are busy in your own life and least bothered for all the shit they are doing to you . The more you show you are affected they more they will test you .

    2 nd thing stop discussing and cribbing with your husband regarding his mother . If you dont like something about her discuss with ur friends who are not in office but never discuss with ur parents , nor your husband because he will never understand , afterall who would want to accept that his mother is wrong

    3rd thing Start maintaing a distance with your mother in law ..... Why are you even giving her a chance to mistreat you . The problem of Indian married women is we act like becharis all the time and gain sympathy . why cant you be so strong enough to maintain that much distance with her and tell people that she isnt mistreating you , you are the only who doesnt like to be associate with her . Start building a personality that makes people feel including your husband that its not his mother who doesnt like you its you who doesnt like his mother and does not like her personality . Trust me thats the day when people will start respecting you and its a great funda when you boycott someone they will come behind you

    Karishma Sawhney

    • Aoa to everyone, yes you're absolutely right. You don't even believe it, but from my marriage first day I never went to my mother's house only and only because of his mother. It's been 3 years. It's like I am in jail. I am not allowed to move into his mother's portion even I have my stove in my room. My husband said me I should struggle to win his mother's heart. She lies about me abuse me when he is not at home. I really don't understand what to do sometimes I think I will give him few months if things will not workout between us. I will leave him.
      I want your help in building my own space

  14. I am sorry one last suggestion Please dont let your marriage affect because of a mother , She has lived her life its you who has just started dont ever let a day come in your life that makes you as a couple ever feel after having kids ki oh shit man we missed all the fun that we could have ad in the intial days of marriage because we were so busy to discuss our parents rather that making our bond stronger and now we cant do the same as we are stuck with responsibilities like a new kid in the family . Its your life make it or break it , Mother in law is just a catalyst someone truly said above its the only 2 of you who are gonna stay till the end so do not let her rule your life certainly just break the monotony and rule over her without being rude and arrogant , silent killing is boycotting someone unless they realize how important you are

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