Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How to win over the solitude?

Lonely man walking away.

Hi,

I'm Ahmed. I'm a new Muslim. I write to you because I don't feel good now and I really need your help. Three months ago, I decided to embrace Islam. I did the shahada and I thought my life could be easier, because I thought "that's my life" and I can decide my path.

My family didn't accept my decision.They hate me, and I see this anger in their eyes everyday. I lost my friends too, they didn't contact me anymore. But I thought " I belong to the ummah and I will find new friends and brothers and sisters". I made Allah the highest, and I thought others would be really happy for me.

Time goes on and I remain alone. Every day my life gets harder and harder. I talk to myself. I talk to Allah; but not with my family, not with my friends, and not with my muslims brothers.  There was a believer who helped me, but only when he has time so he stopped helping me. I tried to know more people. I go to mosque to pray even if it's far away from my city. And yet, even there nobody wants to help me. A girl told me I need patience, but how can I have patience if I live in a Christian family and they hate me? It could seem pathetic, but I'm willing to pay just to be heard.

-ahmed2225

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

19 Responses »

  1. asslamaliakum brother,
    Really happy dat u embraced islam.... In islam we have to very patient
    InnaAllah ma assabeereen
    That means Allah is with the ones who are patient...
    Just ask Allah to guide u
    Inshallah ur prayers will be heard
    I will pray for u inshallah

  2. Dear brother Ahmed,

    I understand your lonliness. Everyone understands lonliness. Its just something we have to struggle through in life. Allah gave us hardships to test us and make us strong. Prolonged lonliness and feeling outcast is one of the hardest, but most rewarding tests. Even the prophet Muhammad rasoolala went through this long test. It is learning how to be happy with yourself, and without dependance upon anyone else but Allah that is the most rewarding learning experience of one's entire life. You have to work from the inside of yourself and go outwards because even if you get married you might still feel lonly if you dont know how to be happy with yourself. You cant build a house on a shakey, cheap foundation. Trust in Allah sub hanna huatAllah that He will guide you on the right path. He knows what will happen while we are just blind slaves. So " dont worry, be happy." And remember that Allah only gives us so much hardship as He knows we can handle.

    Salam,
    Shereen

  3. I can understand you know my husband he converted tol when he was 17 his family is christain too its hard but just be parient his mother throw him out of the home the moment he turned 18 just because he changed his religion she accepted the fact now that he is muslim but now she hate it that he has a muslim wife jusr be patient its hard but you will get through is your life you made the right decision you will pass tgrough hard ships and you know my family is against me because i married him in their eyes he is still non muslim which is not truth and his family is against him because he converted and have a muslim wife but we just love each other i went through hard days he too just because this religion but at the end its oky

  4. salaam alaikum brother.

    i would want to reply you but not now.

    i will send some comment later, when am chanced.

  5. Ahmed,

    When I told my family that I had accepted Islam, we were in a restaurant. Lets just say that it didn't go very well. My sister started an argument with me about my beliefs and in the end, we all had to leave the place because things got ugly. That was a very long time ago...32 years to be exact. I never thought twice about my decision to accept Islam as in doing so changed my life. I too was raised Christian and to this day have the utmost respect for each and every one of my family members. However, it was my choice to accept Islam and I didn't care either way if they accepted it or not.

    Your family know about the Islam that is portrayed negatively everyday on television. The first thing that pops into anyone's mind regarding Muslims or Islam are negative thoughts and stereotypes. After all, lets be honest here...that's what the American media does best. Don't know if you are old enough to remember the bombing in Oklahoma City committed by Timothy McVeigh but I do. The first thing that the news anchors claimed was that the bombing was committed by Muslim terrorists. Never once did I hear an apology on the news how they jumped the gun and put the blame on Muslims. It was a shock to see the atrocity was committed by one of our own. My point is...your family feel justified in how they feel. They only know Muslims in a negative light. You are going to change that.

    Your family don't hate you...they hate your decision. You are no longer one of them or believe in what they do. You are a traitor in their eyes. Your friends? They weren't friends because true friends would have stood with you, not against you.

    You stay strong and keep to your prayers. If you can possibly make the Jummah (Friday prayer) in the other city on Friday's, go. Your family want to break you down so you will turn back to them and forsake your acceptance of Islam. You continue to be who you are and to hell with everyone else. You be kind and forgiving to your parents. You show your family that you are the same person that they have always known, only better. Put your trust in Allah that he will never, ever forsake you and even when you feel alone...you are not.

    If you are feeling low, get up and go out and keep busy. This will help your state of mind. Know that you are not alone Ahmed in your struggle. Lots of young brothers and sisters struggle with families in one way or another when it is felt that they have forsaken family and religion. May Allah guide you forward and keep you strong and steadfast...amin.

    Salam

    • I completely agree with the sister above ,, appending more to it just stsy focused ; remember there are more demotivator then motivator in this world.

  6. Assalamwalaikum,

    Firstly, whatever you are going through is not pathetic, if some person thinks of your story as being pathetic... they are real cowards as they have no idea of the courage it takes to go through your current struggles and if they do have an idea then, they are arrogant in their own ability. You have made a great sacrifice to accept the truth. Now, you need to be steadfast on this truth. Alhamdulillah, Allah has opened your heart to Islam and do not despair in the mercy of Allah! 🙂 I am writing with hopes that my comment will bring some clarity about Islam in your life. 🙂

    I do not want to give you a tainted picture about Islam. Brother, Alhamdulillah that you have accepted Islam. But this is not it, your life will not become better by simple utterance of the shahadah. Islam is not a magic pill that you take and all your problems will go away. I think there is still plenty more you have to explore, learn and believe about Islam. I have put some links below as a starting point where you could learn more about Islam and insha-Allah as you practice more Islam Allah will grant your heart the peace, contentment and ease. You still have a long way to go, in fact, a muslim should never be satisfied and stop learning and practicing Islam till his/her death. Let me enlighten you from the Qur'an where Allah says in chapter 29 (The Spider), verses 2-3 that:

    "Do people think they will be left alone after saying ‘We believe’ without being put to the test? We tested those who went before them: God will certainly mark out which ones are truthful and which are lying." ~ Qur'an (translation by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem (Oxford World's Classics))

    Yes, Islam is a mercy from Allah to the world and Allah wants ease for mankind. So, you are right in thinking that this is your life and you have the right to choose your path and that "Islam will make your life easier" as you start learning and implementing Islam in your life. However, it is also true that the nature of this world is such that every person will go through pain and struggles, even the most wealthy/reputed/famous of people are no exception to this nature of the world. Allah will test every person according to their capacity of endurance and by the mercy of Allah, you've made an amazing change in your own life as well as your progeny, insha-Allah!

    Just imagine, when you have children in the future and they grow up being amazing muslims and your grand-children and your great-grand-children, insha-Allah! You would that person that changed the course of entire generations to come, what an honor! 😀 ...but with honor comes responsibility! 😛 I really am jealous of many revert muslims for the reward Allah will give them on Judgment Day is just... WOW! 🙂 So, if you are thinking that you can't take this pain? well! you already are and you are doing really good. Let me share this beautiful wisdom from the Qur'an where Allah says in chapter 103 (The Declining Day), verses 1-3 that:

    "By the declining day, man is [deep] in loss, except for those who believe, do good deeds, urge one another to the truth, and urge one another to steadfastness." ~ Qur'an (translation by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem (Oxford World's Classics))

    Basically, what this verses are trying to say is that, every person is in loss of time! so if you are feeling pain today, it will pass! if you are feeling lonely today, it will pass! if you are feeling depressed today, it will pass! But all of what you are feeling or going through will be of no value except for those who believe (in Allah, His Books, His Angels, His Messengers, His Divine Will and Judgment Day), do good deeds (as we know from the Qur'an and hadiths), urge one another to the truth (that is, to call people to Islam) and urge one another to steadfastness (that is, to give consolation to others to keep firm on Islam). This dunya (world) is also infamous for being deceptive and illusionary as we might see joy and happiness in others life but not our own.

    Now, with regards to your family, what do you think about this idea?
    Your family does not hate you. Your family has expressed love and care towards you so far and only recently their "attitude" towards you has changed because your family does not understand Islam and perhaps do not even have a clear picture about the message of Islam. Remember, you are still a son to your mother and father, you are still a brother (by blood) to your other siblings even if they do not approve of your decision today.

    Brother, please do not feel like you have made a bad or wrong decision because you feel unaccepted by the society in this moment. You are brave, you are bold, you are confident because you have taken the right decision of accepting Islam where some have backed away for fear of disapproval or rejection by family or society. Brother, please take your time to reflect on what Allah says in the Qur'an, chapter 31 (Surah Luqman), verses 14-15 that:

    "We have commanded people to be good to their parents: their mothers carried them, with strain upon strain, and it takes two years to wean them. Give thanks to Me and to your parents– all will return to Me. If they strive to make you associate with Me anything about which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. Yet keep their company in this life according to what is right, and follow the path of those who turn to Me. You will all return to Me in the end, and I will tell you everything that you have done." ~ Qur'an (translation by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem (Oxford World's Classics))

    Brother, I fear Islam becoming a reason that breaks the tie between a mother and son (not implying that a person should leave Islam for this fear), but I also hope that Islam could be a reason for making the bond between mother and son even stronger! Basically, I understand that Allah has told to be good to your parents even if your parents are not-yet-muslims and to live with them in kindness even if they say or treat you coldness.

    You know brother, I am a lonely person like you as well, but the difference is that I am comfortable and have chosen loneliness for my own selfish reasons. The reason I am comfortable in my loneliness is because I surround myself in knowledge of whatever that interests me, particularly Islam. Also, in today's world where we have the power of internet, I surround myself by watching videos and reading literature of scholars, so I am not alone! Here are some links I think will really help you learn more about Islam:

    A YouTube channel, Qur'an Weekly, that posts really beautiful and enlightening short videos on Islam by various trusted contemporary scholars.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/QuranWeekly

    Another YouTube channel of a very inspiring sister, Yasmin Mogahed, I find her videos to have a kind of psychological angle to Islam that are really valuable as well as fun to watch.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/YasminMogahedOnline

    An amazing revert brother, Eddie, much like yourself makes educational videos on various topics related to Islam. I think you will be able to better relate with him as Eddie is also a revert and knows the kind of struggles reverts like yourself go through.
    http://thedeenshow.com/

    A website that has extracted and brought together a collection of beautiful duas from the Qur'an and Sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).
    http://www.makedua.com/

    Islamic Online University, they have free lessons as well as a degree course from some of the most intellectual contemporary scholars of our time.
    http://www.islamiconlineuniversity.com/

    If you enjoy poems and literary works which give subtle yet powerful Islamic message:
    http://www.muslimyouthmusings.com/

    If you find yourself struggling to keep your life organized, check this website as well:
    http://www.productivemuslim.com

    Translation of Qur'an by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem (Oxford World's Classics)
    http://ia600800.us.archive.org/25/items/AttributesOfAllah-KnowYourCreator.BookByLateDr.Mir.AneesuddinM.sc/the_quran-abdel-haleem.pdf

    Plus sooooo many other links:
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NAKcollection
    http://www.youtube.com/user/YasirQadhi/
    http://www.youtube.com/user/aabphilips/
    http://www.youtube.com/user/YMnational
    http://www.youtube.com/user/HikmahOnline
    http://islamqa.info/en
    http://www.kalamullah.com/index.html

    Gosh! I've literally got more than 100's of links bookmarked. I have no intention of spamming this website but can't help not sharing them either. Anyways, these should be a good starting point for you, insha-Allah! 🙂

    If you find anything beneficial from this post, it is from Allah and if you find any errors or mistakes it is from myself. May Allah open your family's heart to Islam; make your struggles ease and grant you the strength to be steadfast in His deen, ameen! 🙂

  7. Asalamua Alaikum,

    Please hang in there. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Wael talks about this in his sunrays site:

    There are times when we’re alone, discouraged, and just plain weary. Times when it seems like there’s no one left who matters.

    That’s when faith counts more than ever. That’s when faith is tested.

    Don’t give up. Keep hope in your heart. Remember that in the darkest cave, the deepest canyon, the most barren desert, Allah is still there.

    Let faith carry you at those times, and let Allah guide you, and you will come through to a better place. It’s a promise from Allah:

    “And whoever is conscious of Allah, He will make for him a way out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has sent a measure for all things.” (Quran: 65/2-3)

    Refer back to it. Please don't give up on Islam n check in with us so we know how you are doing.

  8. Ass'salam O Alaikum Warahmatullahe Wabarakatohu,

    Dear Brother,

    If you are never alone, you cannot know yourself.
    “For those who are not frightened by the solitude, everything will have a different taste. In solitude, you will discover the love that might otherwise arrive unnoticed. In solitude, you will learn that saying ‘No’ does not always show a lack of generosity and that saying ‘Yes’ is not always a virtue. And those who are alone at this moment, need never be frightened by the words of the devil: ‘You’re wasting your time.’ Or by the chief demon’s even more potent words: ‘No one cares about you.’ The Divine Energy is listening to us when we speak to other people, but also when we are still and silent and able to accept solitude as a blessing. And when we achieve that harmony, we receive more than we asked for.”

    And if You're alone in your bed, you will go to the window, look up at the sky, and feel certain that loneliness is a lie, because the Universe is there to keep you company. Don't try to be useful. Try to be yourself: that is enough & that makes all the difference.

    Don't give up. Remember, it's always the last key on the key ring that opens the door. The simplest things in life are the most extraordinary. Let them reveal themselves.

    Love rules, Love transforms, Love heals. The greatest gift ALLAH gave us is the power to make decisions.

    So, don't be afraid of anyone ALLAH is with you, just follow the path that our beloved NABI (Sallallaho Alaihe Wa'alehi Wassallam) showed us. Insha'ALLAH you will succeed in your life.

    My prayers are with you.
    Your Brother

  9. Salaam Ahmed, i pray you're well iA. Im so surprised that people send email links (PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE GUYS) Im waiting to see a fatwa where its ok to have a virtual relationships. Where are you based brother?
    Abdullah

  10. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    There is a lot of pain and sorrow in your words—but, despite that, I must admit that I smiled when you wrote that your life would become easier after taking the shahada. Brother, after taking the shahada, you made shaitaan a clear-cut enemy and at this time, when you feel alone, he will try every trick in the book to make you feel as though you made the wrong decision. Right now is the time that you have to prove to yourself that you took the shahada because you know it to be the truth, that truth will bring you closer to your Creator, Allah swt and that you will find comfort in that truth. I don’t know what it is like to be in your shoes per say, but I know what it is like to be the black sheep of the family. I know it is like to be among people and still feel very lonely. Yet, when I am alone, I don’t feel lonely because the remembrance of Allah swt comforts me.

    Lonliness is not the darkness that you find yourself in, it is light in the darkness that will guide you on your path towards Allah. It is what will start your journey, not end it. Had it not been for this lonliness, you wouldn't have set out to find the cure for it.

    Lonliness's cure is not people, it is making a strong connection with Allah swt and being comfortable in your own company. Some of Allah's names are Al-Awwal (The First), Al-Akhir (The Last), Al-Badi (The Incomparable) and Al-Baqi (The Everlasting). Make Allah your source of peace and comfort because you will never be dissappointed.

    Of course, there is nothing wrong with being social- I would suggest become involved with the community, volunteer your help to those in need and inn shaa Allah, you will come in contact with good people, but don't feel rushed or alone. Remember that:

    Al-Quran [50:16]
    And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.

  11. Watch "Just when you decide to change - Ustadh Nouman Al…" on YouTube - Just when you decide to change - Ustadh Nouman Al…: http://youtu.be/xYleup4hp2Y

    Watch this it will answer ur question.

    May allah guide u.

  12. Peace be with you, Ahmed,

    This is just my personal opinion, you need to make Peace with your family and friends and if this can only be done in your Heart at the beginning, Alhamdulillah, this is the begining of the process of healing. To get this done, you have to forgive them for all the damage they have done to you, if you can´t, ask Allah(swt) to help you.

    Forgiveness, unconditional love and gratitude to everyone and everything are powerful healers that will guide you, insha´Allah, to the right steps you need to take to relate to others in the healthiest way possible.

    Allah(swt) knows best.

    María M

  13. Assalaamualaikam

    It's a really, really bad idea to propose marrying a stranger you encounter on the internet.

    If you are looking for a spouse, try asking your family or local mosque to help you - don't proposition random people online.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com

    • Isn't that effectively what online matrimonial sites are doing?

      • Assalaamualaikam

        As far as I am aware (and I haven't used them, so might be misunderstanding), the idea of such sites is that you put in some search criteria (like age, location, level of practice, interests) and some possible matches are suggested, then you're meant to make contact with them through the site to see if you're compatible - that's different from going "Marry me!" to someone with whom your only contact has been reading a post on a website.

        One of the problems with meeting people online is that the temptation not to involve walis can cause problems - always remember to involve your wali and keep within Islamic limits.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • But do things like age, location, etc really matter? I think as long as both are Muslim and want to raise Muslims it shouldn't matter. This illusion that talking to people beforehand will help you get to know them is a fallacy. Much easier to delve right in and make it work. No illusions, or unrealistic expectations. Wasn't that how marriages took place before?

          • Sister M, do not forget that the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) advised us to marry based on deen and character, and we cannot know this about a person without knowing them- that is how marriages took place before. Things like age, location, etc are part of the basic ways of knowing people.

  14. May Allah Aza Wa Jal forever be with you.
    Inna'Allaha ma'as Sabireen. Verily Allah is with those who are patient.
    Try to move away from your Christian family brother, may be get married if its possible for you. Financially or otherwise.

Leave a Response