Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How should I treat my parents because of this?

Pakistani villager with an oxcart

I really need a car!

I have recently been having a lot of troubles with my feelings lately. The story starts like this. I have a full time job, a part time job on the weekends and I go to school in the evenings. I do all of this through buses and trains. Because my lifestyle is so busy, I got my driver's license and thought that if I got a car things would be easier for me.

When it was time for me to get a car my parents would not help me out. I know this might sound stupid but this angers and hurts me so much. They know how hard everything is for me and how hard I am working to help them and myself, but they still don't care enough to find me a car.

I would have gotten one myself but since my dad has to approve everything in the house, I have to let him help me find a car to purchase. I have been asking them for 4 months now. I am so angry at my parents because I leave my house at 7am and return at 10 pm. I get NO days off and I am SO exhausted all the time.

I know that being angry and not speaking to them is not going to solve anything, but I seriously don't know what to say or how to feel. We did just recently move and I could say my dad is busy selling the old building we lived in and buying new things for the new place. But don't they care enough to help me out?

Anyways, the whole point is I am so confused because I am so angry at my parents, but I feel like that's the wrong feeling to have and Allah does not like that. But being angry and hurt is my first instinct. Basically, I just need someone to tell me how to feel about this and what to do. Should I be mad at them? Is it worth it? What is the best thing to do islamically? What would the Prophet SAW do? How should I deal with this emotionally and mentally?

-saira101


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37 Responses »

  1. May i ask what country you live in. Cars are my passion and i can definitely help you there.

  2. Wow

    Speechless

    This really is a massive problem...the biggest one.I've read about so far!

    Seriously,...If this is your biggest struggle in life...you should pray to god and thank him.

    • If you have nothing constructive to say then don't say anything at all, don't be sarcastic or make fun of someone else's issues, however trivial they may seem to you.

    • I agree with Take Heed. This website is not only for people who are suicidal or are being abused. There are problems in life that may seem small to others but can impact us greatly. Not having proper transportation to get to work is a problem. I am fortunate to have a car that gets me to my classes, and lets me take my daughter to school. If I didn't have one, it would be a problem.

      Don't ridicule other people. "Whoever believes in Allan and the Last Day, let him speak good or stay silent."

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

    Trust me, trials can be frustrating.

    That's why I go to this site and look at all the people who have been tested far more severely than I have and then I am grateful for what I have Alhamdulilah.

    Start with this one:

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/horrible-life-suicide-depression/

    As for anger, you must restrain it for a great reward.

    http://www.qtafsir.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=492&Itemid=46

  4. Aslaam

    Have you tried sitting you parents down and talking to them about it? Let them know how you feel then they might help!

  5. Salam,

    I agree with Asim on this. Sit down with your parents and tell them how you are feeling. Keeping everything bottled up is not good and doing so is what is feeding your anger. I totally can understand your frustration especially because you are trying to handle so much between your job and school. Speak up...the sooner, the better.

    Salam

  6. Salamualaikum,

    Watch this video - its only 6 mins or so and believe it will give you a good insight to what Allah swt expects from us in relation to our parents.

    http://youtu.be/6NFo35g7zo8

    Insha Allah with respect and love towards your parents you will be able to get the car if it is best for you.

    regards,

  7. Why do you need your father's permission to buy a car? You need his permission for marriage, but not for what you want to buy with your own money - how you spend your money is totally up to you, sister. If he doesn't want to find you a car, then find one yourself - it's really not that hard and complicated. It doesn't to me sound like an unresonable purchase, a car is really useful if you're constantly traveling in between school and multiple jobs.

    • Unless he tells her to do haraam, If she's living under her father's roof then she needs to go by his rules.

      • Salaams,

        I feel it is haraam to force someone into a situation that could be made easier for no reason or selfish reasons. It's generally called oppression. As muslims, we are supposed to do something as simple as removing a stick from a path to make the way easier for travelers. If we are to do something so simple as that for strangers, how can someone let their own child run themselves ragged unnecessarily? If the father is not denying her a car for valid reasons, he is oppressing her and acting in a spirit that's antithetical to the spirit of Islam.

        Our bodies have rights over us. If we are pushing them so hard that we are not able to give them the rest they need to stay healthy and keep doing what we need them to do, we are wrong for that. Being forced to do so by someone else is sinful in my book. Anyone who has ever worked multiple jobs while trying to finish school, and doing it on the bus line with no days off, knows how much of a strain that is on both the body and mind. Anyone in their right mind who is following Islam would want to help such a person out, not keep them in a difficult situation.

        As a parent, I can't imagine making my child endure this. Unless I had no legitimate way to help out, or I felt the child's character was so terrible that this level of self-discipline were needed, I would do anything I could to make it easier on them. If neither of those apply to this situation with the father, I can't understand why he would be so uncaring as to keep letting this go on.

        I'm not saying this is sharia or suggesting this should be done, but if I were in that position I would go ahead and get myself a car and let my dad sort it out for himself however he needed to later. I personally can live with my dad being mad at me about buying a car without his approval, knowing I could've done much worse things by sneak off and get married or catch rides with boys to save myself some time in commute. I don't understand this mentality of some parents who are so caught up in the authority they have, that they use it whimsically and seemingly without any prudence. To me children should be supported in any and every way until they are fully self-sufficient, unless there's a specific and good reason not to do so. Instead there seems to be a plethora of parents who think they are entitled to micro-manage the details of their children's lives which really have nothing to do with the parent's lives at all, just because they CAN. What makes it worse is that there is an audience who is reinforcing this ridiculous cycle by encouraging the ADULT children to keep putting up with it because of the idea that parents are to be obeyed without any caveat or discretion.

        Having a soap-box day, sorry.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Couldn't you have said that in a shorter way lol that's a lot to ready and I'm not one of the people who think a parent should 100% control a child's life. I firmly believe in loving and caring for your children and helping them out. I was just saying that generally if you are living with your parents then its their rules but there's a limit to this. I know that if I had kids then they would be number 1 to me, I'd choose them over a wife ANY day.

        • I agree with Amy entirely.

          When was a student, I led the same hectic lifestyle as you did Saira. I had 2 jobs, and went to university full time, often taking classes at night. Thankfully, though, my parents helped me with a car...I was allowed to borrow their car, and eventually they helped me buy my own. The rationale was that it was in the best interests of my safety and security. Going around in buses late at night is simply not safe. At the same time, however, I also helped my family -- driving my mother as needed, and my brothers were married ith young children so I transported their children to their activities, school, etc. During Ramadan I drove and picked up my dad from work so he wouldn't have to drive.

          It has to be a 2-way street.

          Men are the protectors of women. So your father should see the value in helping you get a car. He does not have an obligation to buy one for you -- that is your responsibility -- but he cannot stand in your way for no reason. If you have the money, you should buy one, and use it for your own safety and security but also for the benefit of your family.

          Islam does not require us to be controlled by our parents. I think that is what is happening on your family. Although my dad was very supportive when it came to my ease while studying, he was controlling in other ways that ultimately prevented me from manifesting the life that I really wanted. Don't be brainwashed into believing you have to obey your parents at all costs. You are an adult, not a child. You must take care of your parents and speak kind words to them.

          Your anger and frustration are normal, as long as you don't express that anger to your parents. But as long as you keep waiting and hoping for the situation to change, that anger and frustration will continue to build up until you say/do something you will regret.

        • Agreed (with Amy). Go ahead and buy a car yourself.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Fathers' role is not to be dictators over their chldren/daughters, Asim. It's not a father's right to tell his daughter what she can and can't spend her own money on (unless it's something haram), what she can eat, when she needs to go to bed, what kind of toothpaste she must use...not EVERYTHING has to be approven of by the father. All individual have rights, islamically, to make their own decisions when it comes to personal purchases.

        • Yes I know, I DID say that I'm not one of those people who believe that parents can and should control their kids life's 100%

  8. Assalaamualaikam

    From reading your post, it seems that the issue of a car may be important more because it reflects family dynamics and frustrations about how many demands are placed on you, rather than necessarily being all about a car.

    It sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities, with two jobs as well as your studies, and it may be that it would help to set aside some time in your week for yourself - nobody can cope with such a busy life longterm (and this is coming from a self-confessed workaholic) - even just one evening a week to reflect and relax may make the rest of your week more manageable.

    It might help to talk with your parents about how stressed you have been feeling, and how difficult this level of responsibility is to maintain. They may be able to help, eg by re-allocating some of the household tasks, or by helping you cut down the hours you work. They can also reassure you that your hard work is appreciated and that you are loved and valued.

    If your father doesn't have time to go with you to buy a car, it might be possible to look at car manufacturers online together, to identify suitable cars, and you could then go with your mum or brother (if you have one) to test drive them. I would recommend going with a male relative if possible, as car dealerships can try to take financial advantage of women (they often assume women know nothing about cars and try to charge more).

    We are all human, and so feel emotions such as frustration, anger, hurt - there isn't blame attached to having an emotion. What we need to do though is continue to treat our parents with respect and love, and work to resolve our conflicts peacefully. It might help to read and reflect on the early verses of Al-Ankaboot, which give guidance on the importance of treating our parents respectfully.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  9. "And perhaps you dislike a thing and it is good for you. And perhaps you love a thing, and it is worse for you. And God knows and, truly, you know not." Al-Baqara 216

    Perhaps this situation that frustrates you is best for you. Bottom line: no parent wishes harm for their children. Allah probably implemented this "bad feeling" in your parents because maybe you getting a car is bad for you, your health, or your deen/akhira. Take my advice, honor your parents no matter what. Obey them and be kind to them because you have NO right of being mad at your father or mother and also not talking to them. It's the other way around! You not talking to your parents isn't going to hurt them, instead Allah will be angry with you.

    To be honest, I'd rather go through hell in my day being exhausted than do something against the consent of my parents. Good luck. Inshallah one day you'll get a car..but make sure you get it with the consent of your parents.

    • Please explain to me how can a car...a CAR be bad for one's Deen? And second of all, like sister adina said, one must obey their parents but there is a limit. You saying that one should obey their parents no matter what is not only a little bit extreme in my opinion but a bit unrealistic because now, during 2013 society, even in strict Muslim countries I don't think people 100% blindly obey to their parents EVERY whim "no matter what"

      • "Please explain to me how can a car...a CAR be bad for one's Deen?"

        There is no need to give you can explanation. It's quite possible.
        "And God knows and, truly, you know not."

      • Yes and that's why there is so much fitnah and children becoming masters over their parents when parents wishes are trivialised as whims and it being 2013. Remember this when you become a parent.

      • A CAR indeed can be harmful for your DEEN in matters where it can perhaps lead to Fitnah...my personal prediction, that's all. I mean, I'm not against cars ..not at all!

        Who knows, maybe this car could lead/take you to places you shouldn't go--God forbid. Allah knows best. I'm just saying..if Allah doesn't allow something to happen in your life, it's ALWAYS for the best..you just don't realize it now. Just be patient with what you have and always remember that not everyone gets what they want WHEN they want it!

        And no, not everyone obeys their parents 100%..but that doesn't make it okay. We should feel deep guilt and regret when disobeying/deceiving our parents.

        • AA, a car will only take you to places you shouldn't go if you drive yourself to those places. There's no such thing as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, lol. Saira has made her intentions clear -- she needs a car because she is often in transit at odd hours of the day, and requires one to make her life easier.
          However, a public train/subway/bus has far more risk attached to it. She could be assaulted late at night, or mugged. During early morning rush hour she may have to sit beside/stand in close proximity to an unknown male....Clearly, having her on mode of transport would be a far more Islamic solution.

  10. AOA,

    I share the opinion that this issue is very trivial compared to the suffering of others. To ignore your parents is outrageously bad as you should not ignore a brother/sister for more than 3 days.

    From what you say, you work hard etc but you sound rather demanding and childish to get so angry as you can't get your own way.

    You will never understand the sentiments of your parents until you become one yourself. Since you live with your parents and don't have the burden of paying full rent, then you should abide by their rules.

    Parents can be wrong but they are human beings too! They are hardly being oppressive! Utterly ridiculous to say that. If that were truly the case, you would not be permitted to be out attending evening classes till 10pm.
    The father has a right over his daughter until she is married and if he doesn't want you to have a car, either
    accept it or justify yourself instead of disrespecting them by being ignorant.

    At the end of the day, you have made a choice to work all these hours to generate wealth that suits your ambitions and desires. Grow up and discuss the matter rationally with your parents and try to find out why they are averse to you acquiring a car. Your behaviour up to now only serves to back up their decision as it demonstrates that you are not mature enough to get behind the wheel.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      I think we need to be very careful when proclaiming someone else's problem as being trivial (even in comparison with others). We do not know what this sister has been through in her life and what else is going on her life, so it would be unfair of us to make judgements here.

      Many of the people who post here are facing crises, but we are a resource for Islamic advice and support for all brothers and sisters regardless of the nature of their query. This sister has asked for advice about the appropriate way to behave towards her parents, and inshaAllah by providing some support we may be able to help her feel better and respond to her situation in an Islamically appropriate way. Personally, I'd much rather someone asked for help sooner rather than later.

      It is a bit harsh to say that she has chosen to work these hours in order to obtain wealth to suit ambitions. We do not know why this sister has to work two jobs as well as studying, and we do not know her family circumstances. It may be that she has to work to help support her family and pay for her studies; if her family is struggling, they may not have other options. Without knowing the full circumstances of the situation, we should try to provide supportive advice and refrain from judging others harshly.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • As-salam alaikum

        Good grief! Please accept everybody has a different way of expressing themselves. Why don't you simply concentrate on your own viewpoint to the sister instead of tailing my comments with your 'saintly' replies? As all you are doing is denigrating my opinion.

        People need advice however, we all need to put things into perspective and sometimes a firm approach is far better. When you require an injection do they slowly and gently insert the needle or speedily jab you?

        The sister does not mention financial hardship and we are required as Muslims when we fall into despair to compare our lives with those far worse off. After all she has chosen to ignore her parents over the matter. I don't think we require a person's whole biography in order to offer advice. That is for Allah SWT and Allah SWT alone.

        I think people need to research the word harsh as it has been redefined here incorrectly.

        I don't mind criticism in fact if it is constructive, I appreciate it.

    • It doesn't appear that her parents have expressed any "sentiments", only that they refuse to help her look for a car and she feels disobedient if she goes ahead and buys one without consulting them. It doesn't sound like they have a problem with her working or going to school, or being out of th family home from 7 am to 10 pm each day. So their refusal -- or silence -- about the car issue may be their way of maintaining some form of control over her. Maybe they resent the fact that she has money of her own, and this is their way of showing their displeasure. Who knows.

      Of course, we don't know the entire story. But assuming Saira is an adult -- which is a fair assumption -- her parents cannot impose arbitrary rules on her that have no basis in Islam. What parents would want their daughter taking buses at 10 o clock at night?

      As adults, we have to make a distinction between respecting our parents, and feeling obligated to abide by every wish, whim and form of control they impose on us. Do you think our parents were abiding by their parents' wishes when they left their families behind and immigrated to the West? No, but they did it to improve their life circumstances.

      I jus think that if she buys a car, her parents may be irritated but ultimately her streak of independence will be forgotten.

      • The OP says;

        'I would have gotten one myself but since my dad has to approve everything in the house, I have to let him help me find a car to purchase. '

        This suggests that she requires his permission. Now you are assuming her parents are somewhat resentful of her success. That is not at all clear in the narration and is inciting negative suppositions that could lead to relations worsening if she chooses to suppose the same.

        Having to get the bus at night is not at all good but perhaps her parents are weary as with many things in the modern day world, there is often more harm than good. At face value, having a car is great simply for the convenience, however it may be that her father is concerned that it creates an excess of freedom.

        Although as the details in the post, it may simply be that he is pre-occupied with their new house purchase and has chosen not to drop his order of tasks to suit his daughter.

        At the end of the day, there is no point in debating the what ifs. The bottom line is this. If she wants her independence, then she must fully provide for herself otherwise accept her father's wishes or present a reasonable case against them without transgressing any limits such as ignoring them. I would not tolerate my child ignoring me whilst living under my roof. It's not fair to select when to be regarded as an adult or when to be cared for as a child.

        As for 'every whim wish...control they impose on us..' sorry but are we talking about despotic dictators or parents? Again I'll say wait till you become a parent and you will perhaps have a very different perspective. After all, a parent sacrifices the best part of youth on their children. Children are but trials not spoilt creatures to pander to their every whim. (finally whim is used in the correct instance).

        While a child, even adult is living with parents, they can't just treat the home like some heavily discounted hotel and do as they please. Quote Amy ' which really have nothing to do with the parents..'

        Am I still on Islamic answers or am I reading some junk teen mag advocating rebellion.

        There are some truly awful people out there who have kids and fail them miserably but this awful attitude is the road to what the Prophet SAW warned. In the end times, children will become masters of their parents.

        • "The bottom line is this. If she wants her independence, then she must fully provide for herself otherwise accept her father's wishes or present a reasonable case against them without transgressing any limits such as ignoring them."

          A bit harsh, but every family is different, I guess. As human beings, we have a natural desire for independence. A 25-year old woman, a 30 year old woman, a 35-year old woman who lives with her parents -- all mature, grown adults -- must accept her parents' wishes if she lives with them? At some stage, parents must accept that their daughters have to make decisions on their own. That does not mean that they are being rebellious or disrespectful. If both sides understand this, then there will be no perception that an adult child is "ignoring" her parents or is being rebellious. I think those terms are more appropriate to youth, but not to adults.

          Anyway, I don't know how old Saira is, but hopefully she will resolve this issue while minimizing any perceived disrespect to her parents while maximizing her own personal security and safety.

        • Love it, Sis. Rashida.

          Also would like to add that fathers often like to be involved in such purchases because they care about the well-being of their children.

          Yes, care.

          Care that they are not buying a lemon, care that they are not getting ripped off, and care that they are ready for the responsibilities and challenges that come with driving. Some people may see this as controlling, but actions like these are actually a main way that fathers show love and concern for their children.

          Sr. Saira, you did not provide enough details in your post to comment on a deeper level. Although you said that you have been asking your parents for a car for four months, you did not share what their response was. Do they simply not want you to drive (ever), or did they ask you to wait, or what? What did they actually say?

          While I understand and sympathize with you as four months can be excruciating when you are living a difficult situation on a daily basis, try to understand that your parents may not have the same perspective or sense of urgency because they are not experiencing what you are experiencing. They also sound busy since your family recently moved.

          This does not translate into them wanting to make your life hard. That's why you need to talk to them in a mature manner about your concerns. Try to make things easy for them, too, by doing some of the preliminary research on cars you may like to purchase. Make it easy for them to say yes.

          Sister, when I was growing up, we did not have a car. We lived in a town with inadequate public transportation, and I was the only person I knew whose mother did not drive. My mother worked and had to take busses and taxis to shop, work, and do everything else. This was so embarrassing to me, especially when she used to go to my school's back-to-school night in a taxi. I thus grew up with the mentality that cars were an incredible luxury, and this is a sentiment I still carry with me until this day. Little did I know that I myself would go through hard times during which I had to take busses, trains, and taxis as an adult. Looking back, though, I treasure those times on the bus so much because of what I learned. Not only did I learn patience, but I also learned by observing the interesting characters around me on the busses. I'm not saying you should intentionally be exposed to discomfort or danger, but I am saying to make the most of these times because you leave that special world and the lessons it offers once you leave public transport for the comfort of your own car. I also mention this because your parents, too, may have grown up taking public transport and do not consider it a huge deal.

          So, take a deep breath, and do not be angry with your parents. Although you are perhaps legally within your rights to purchase your own car, it is always better to have harmony in the home, and I thus suggest talking it over with them again when the time is right.

          If possible, you might also consider switching jobs or reducing the hours you work in order to make things easier on yourself.

  11. Assalamu'alaikum,

    I can imagine how busy you are, and how you like something a bit more easier to have more free time.

    Which free time is one of rizq performance of Allah.

    Saira, let me remind you something:
    This is a testament of our phrophet SAW to Abdullah Ibnu Abbas when he was a young boy.
    "O my son, indeed I want to teach you a few sentences; Keep Allah Allah will take care of you. Keep Allah, you will see him in front of you. If you ask (a necessity) and then ask God if you seek help then please ask God. Know, if these people come together to provide a benefit to you, they would not be able to give something that has been set apart by God for you. Conversely, if they come together to inflict a harm to you they would not be able to do it, than something that has been established by God upon you. Pens have been lifted and dried sheet notes. "

    "And when they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, either retain them according to acceptable terms or part with them according to acceptable terms. And bring to witness two just men from among you and establish the testimony for [the acceptance of] Allah . That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out. And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah - then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent." (QS At- Talaq 65:2-3).

    So, if you need something ask Allah. Your parents just a bridge for Allah to send you the car. But, Allah hve many bridge. All in this earth is His bridge between you and Him to get everything you need.

    The only thing you have to do is to ask Allah and sabr.

    Allah will not let you down. All of your effort, your exhausted feeling will be awarded by Him - Insya Allah.

    Sabr and ask Him.

    **

    Another thing. Car is one of rizq performance.
    Salat dhuha, dua, 5 times praying, sadaqah can make your rizq flow easier.

    Helping your parents, be nice to them, and talk to them nicely are some of the performances of sadaqah 🙂

  12. AOA Saira

    As human beings we can also have desire for what is unlawful too but we are here to advise as Muslims.

    We musn't make the mistake of diluting matters with the poison of the kuffar system. Your parents haven't denied your rights as you as you are allowed to earn and attend night school which is an optional thing.

    The requirements of the unmarried Muslim woman is unlike the kuffar or People of the Book even. You will find that you as an unmarried girl are the responsibility of your father until marriage.

    Yes, like the kuffar you can assert your independence as is normal for an adult etc but you want to please Allah not society. When parents are being oppressive and imposing things which displease Allah then you have a right to disobey.

    I can't re-iterate again as I'm getting dizzy going round in circles and I don't know why I keep replying to comments but I am concerned about the dismissive attitude to parents.

    I recommend doing your own research about what Allah SWT has ordained with view to parents and authentic guidance from the Prophet SAW. Debate is healthy but the word harsh so overly used where it doesn't apply.

    Anyway, it is not haram to refuse you a car. But I will tell you of my own car- lema. I am a divorcee (from a cheat) but through the grace of Allah have a home, job and my kids. Basically independent. With two small young girls, getting groceries, hospital/Dr appointments etc is hard work on the bus.

    I finally got round to passing my test late in life and I was determined to get a car. I do think my life could have taken a different twist if I had been a driver in my late teens.

    I relied on my dad for help in acquiring a car and he did everything he could to put me off. I honestly wanted to scream but I didn't overstep the boundaries. I kept saving up and constantly reviewed auto websites. I also reviewed advice on what to look out for in buying a car and so on.

    My parents came over as I was in the middle of browsing for cars. I showed my dad some cars for sale and we just then set off and I got my car at last- 3 months after passing! I am a fully independent woman yet had to still go through this rigmarole. However I thought I've waited this long, what is a little while more and behaved respectfully.

    I did however have a few heated words with my dad in my time, as he let me down in terms of the ex-hub he chose for me but I am still a winner as I have my lovely children Alhamdulillah. It would break my heart if they ignored me for a small reason and I would also be angry.

    Khalaas!!!!! I do hope you get a car but do not be unkind to your parents.

  13. You know what.. go ahead and buy yourself a car. You certainly work hard enough! And i dont mean to say this in a bad way but whats the worst that they can do if you buy one? Seriously buy the car, then explain to them after and make them realise your situation, they will understand sooner or later. its not like your intentionally doing it to get back at them for not letting you buy one, you actually need it and they will see that when you get the car hopefully, so good luck!

  14. in any case u cant even raise ur voice infront of ur parents only if in case the matter is religious then u can disobey them but only disobey, not disonour.

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