Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My huge love towards my young cousin is killing Me

not allowed sign

I am 25 yr old man and I have a cousin sister and she is 15 now.

The relationship between us is very close. Even all our family members and friends treat us as we are like own brother and sister. I love her very much like a brother and even I don't tolerate if any one or her parents shout at her. Nowadays her parents are talking about her marriage proposals and from that time I don't know why I am not able to leave her and I am not able to digest that she will be with some one.

I don't know why mind was totally disturbed and now I am getting thoughts like I want to ask her parents that I want to marry her. But I can't because they treat me as their son and I am also supporting them financially as I have a good job . But I am feeling very bad. Why am I getting such thoughts? And I feel it is due to heavy love and respect towards her. My mind is totally disturbed  and I am feeling very bad on myself and feeling guilty, as the age difference between us is almost 12 yrs. I asked her, she is such a good girl and as she is still 15 she laughs and says that it's her parents decision.

Now I am in a plan to move away from my family for few years meanwhile not to talk with her as if there is a 3 years gap may be family members and friends would forget our relationship  and it will be helpful for me

Please tell me any suggestions because I thought to discuss my problem to my parents but I feel they'll think how badly I am to be thinking about her. Is the marriage between us is possible? If it so I fear what the society and family members thinks about me. I am totally depressed after this happens. Hope I make sense. Please pray for me, waiting for the reply..

Jazzak Allahkhair
Allah Hafeez

- rehman25

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7 Responses »

  1. Brother Rehman, As-salamu alaykum,

    I fully support the conclusion that you reached in the end. You should move away for a few years and stop contact with your cousin. That is an excellent idea, the best thing you can do in this situation. You can seek a job in another city, then tell your parents truthfully that you are moving away to work. No need to tell them about your feelings for your cousin. It will not benefit anyone to reveal that.

    I guarantee that with distance and time, your feelings for her - whether it is a simple infatuation, sexual attraction or love - will fade. And when you meet someone your own age for marriage, you will be much happier, Insha'Allah.

    Your experience is very illustrative of a few common fallacies that we see often on this website. One is the idea that a man and woman who are not mahrams can be like "brother and sister", i.e. can be close, and spend time together, and pretend that it's all innocent. The truth is that you are not brother and sister, as the infatuation you have developed for her clearly shows.

    Another fallacy is that men and women can be close friends, even best friends, in an innocent way. It simply does not work. One person (or both) develops an attraction or falls in love, with results that lead to sin, heartbreak, broken marriages, and ruined families. I'm speaking in a general sense, because I see these situations repeated over and over again.

    Islam has given us clear guidelines for behavior between men and women, and there are good reasons for it. We need to stop pretending that we know better than Allah, and follow the Islamic guidelines for our own benefit.

    Wael Editor

  2. Salaams,

    Wael gives sound advice and I stand behind his assessment of your situation. However, just to give another view of your issue, I would like to point out a few facts which may be relevant.

    Islam does not prohibit cousins marrying one another, although there may be individual factors in each case that may make it a less attractive option for those considering doing so. Those are factors you would have to prayerfully weigh for yourself, such as the issues of stigma, how it would affect your family in the bigger picture, etc.

    However, there could be benefits to that type of arrangement in your case possibly, based on the fact that you do seem to have a genuine care for her (albeit maybe a little intense). It could very well be that out of your affection for her you become a good husband to her, knowing her well as you are family, much more so than some other "stranger" that her parents may choose for her. Allah knows there are enough horror stories on this site alone about parents choosing unsuitable matches for their children, causing heartbreaking marriages.

    Also, just for general reference, an age difference doesn't necessarily make or break the marriage. Needless to say, the Prophet (saws) married women of all ages: younger, older, and peers. So that in and of itself shouldn't be a deterent to you choosing who to propose to...whether it be someone you've known a while or someone you are just getting to know.

    I am not suggesting you take this information and decide to propose to her parents. I think that Wael gave good counsel, and I was only offering another view to consider. Ultimately the choice is yours to determine. May Allah guidge you as He sees fit.

  3. aaaah how sweet bro but if i were u i would do anything 2 get her n as u saying u help her family in money iz a good a chance 2 get her maybe they wishing u 2 marry her n waitting 4 u soo try n i wish u all best inshlah

  4. Sister, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. The very short answer would be that she should respect her parents wishes and tradition, and keep herself away from zinaa by not having contact with the young man.

    Wael Editor

  5. Assalamwalekum brothers

    Zazzak allah khair brothers for the response.
    Hope inshaallah i will follow your suggestions
    If there is no problem with age gap i hope i will follow everything as per islam insha allah.
    Make duva for me.
    Allah haffiz

    • Assalamu alaykum,

      I see how you love her, and I believe that is real love, but I believe you are confused because she is turning into a woman, and you are loosing the little girl you took care of, you are afraid for her, and I feel you want to keep her safe and protected, and the depth of your love for her makes you think you are the one, ...a cousin is like a sister, physically speaking there can be troubles in the descendance, and, other thing that tells you to open the eyes is that you feel darkness since you have these wishes,
      if you were doing or thinking the right thing you will be in Peace, and you are not..

      You will love her always, because your love comes from the depth of your Heart, but look at her as a brother looks to a sister, you have to learn how to do it, then you will find Peace, insha´Allah.

      I agree that infatuation and sexual attraction fades away with time, but real love stays, you should be prepare for this, if you go away. Through my experience we can move from a place but we always carry ourselves with us. It will be good if you move, if you carry with you the right thoughts, if you are in Peace with yourself.

      May Allah guide you every thought, word and action you take. Barak Allah feekum,

      All my unconditional love and respect,


  6. As salam. I m a girl who is in love with her cousin . He s 14 yrs elder to me. I loved him but never had the guts to tell him. And he got married to some one else. it hurt me like hell.
    I cannot get him out of my mind. Now it time for my marriage and he s acting possessive insecure and jealous. Had he shown these feelings much sooner things would have been fine. If u want to love her then she s for u. What more can a woman want.
    So waste no time propose to her as soon as possible. So u know whats on her mind. Move forward with it fast. Before some one else takes her and both ur lives r ruined.

    Best Wishes

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