Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong for leaving my husband who abused me emotional and verbally for ten years?

As Salaamu Walaikum,

children affected by argumentative parents

I was in a very emotional and verbally abusive marriage for ten years. I have four beautiful children and Allah knows I tried to stay and deal, but on October 11 I just couldn't take it any longer. I left and am now in a shelter with my children.  He is constantly calling my sister and mother to relay messages to me of how unislamic I am behaving by leaving.

Did I do something wrong, or is he just trying to make me feel guilty. I know in my heart that ALLAH (swt) has better plans for me. I feel so confused, my children are happy now, I can feel happiness in my heart when I hear them, not cry everynight for the pain I was putting them through. The program that is helping our family is great, but I could really use my sisters in islam for support and guidance, even if just through email. Insha Allah.

- rockinhijab

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48 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Aleikum Sister,

    Mashallah for your courage and your strength. It is difficult to be strong for yourself and 4 children, that

    requires a lot of imaan and perseverance. I fully support and understand your position. You aren't supposed

    to live with someone who abuses you verbally and emotionally, you have deserved something better.

    You have four children and it is a shame that a family father of four treats his wife that poorly, shame on him.

    It is however, not understandable from my perspective why and how he can contact your family and

    blame you for leaving him. How can they still talk to him or accept his phone calls? They should be

    100 p.c. supportive and show solidarity to you, instead of wasting their time to talk to this man.

    Very often, people say in cases of abuse, there are two sides. "The wife makes it the most horrific of

    stories"...., whereas we don't have the perspective of the man. That's wrong. There is no justification

    for physical or verbal abuse and no matter what the other person has said or done, it's not right.

    From the Islamic perspective your husband is defending it's the worst thing you can do to a person.

    The Prophet of God showed the best of akhlagh towards his wives. Bukhari narrated that one day,

    he visited one of his wives, Zeinab bint Jahash who was famous for her beauty and lineage. Aisha and

    Hafsa, who had been rivals at the beginning, were jealous, because" the enemy of my enemy is always

    my friend".So they decided to play a prank on Rassul Allah or tease him a bit. Zeinab used to give

    him a honey drink. When he returned, they confronted him by saying: Ya Rassul Allah, your breath

    is not smelling good. We're sure that's from the honey drink Zeinab gives you.

    He didn't scream, he didn't shout, he didn't say: I'm the Prophet of God, how dare

    you say that. You have to respect me. He looked at them and said: If you think my breath is not smelling

    good, then I will stop drinking that honey drink. Look at Rassul Allah's akhlagh. And then compare him

    to those abusive husbands who scream at their wives if they haven't prepared dinner. Tell your husband

    this story and let him compare that with his akhlagh. A husband shouldn't show his wife anything but

    perfect akhlagh. Even if he's not happy or has a problem with her, he has to address that issue gently.

    Physical or verbal abuse is a reason for talaq in Islam, or in your case, khula. At the time of Rassul Allah

    a woman approached him by saying: Ya Rassul Allah, I'm not happy with my husband. His akhlagh is fine,

    everything ok, but I don't love him and can't change that. It's the is.

    She told Rassul Allah about the garden

    her husband gave her as mahar. Rassul Allah said: Are you willing to return the garden? She approved of it.

    So he immediately dissolved the marriage. It's as simple as that. I think if the woman was willing to do

    without the mahar, it was very easy to dissolve the marriage. I don't know how Muslim countries handle

    that today. However, it shows that it was definitely Islamic to leave him.

    I love you Sister, I wish you good luck , may Allah bless you and your children.

    An end with horror is better than horror without an end.


    • I also have been abused but not physically for over 10 years. we have no children and I am much older than he. I love him with all of my soul but the bad language and the nasty talk of his and the hatred from him is making me cry every night. I know this pain of which u speak. I am a counselor but without a way to help myself except for prayers. I am glad you left him and the Islamic faith allows this. The Quran says to adore your wife and treat her as a queen for she is one with you. At first it was great, but in the last three years he is very verbal and has tried to attack me with a knife. He said he was only trying to scare me but if this was what he was trying to do he succeeded. The second time he got closer to me and I fear the third time he will take my life. I pray for him to see what he is doing. Many people say well, he had a hard day at work but this does not give him the right to call me a f--- bitch etc and all these things he is hearing from the porn sites. He is addicted to them and I have no way to stop it. It makes me feel dirty so I stay on the couch now. I go to him once in a while but even then he has to be so nasty to me and tells me to leave him. It hurts from deep inside and there is no relief in sight. I am American and we were married in the USA so i guess the next step is to get a divorce. I want nothing from him only to live out what little life I have left in peace. I pray for you and if you ever need me please call or write and I will surely answer you. I love children and live on a farm in a small town and i have many grandchildren of my own. May Allah hear your cries and give you the peace you deserve. amen

      • Asalam walakum sister,

        I too am being verbally and emotionally abused by my husband. We have 4 children together, ages 7, 5, 4 and 3. He has constantly called me ugly, fat b...tch, he is a compulsive gambler and has made me feel really inferior. He is egyptian and comes from a good muslim family, but this has become unbearable for me. I have sunk into a bad depression, but humdiallah, Allah has given me some strength . This is not right and no woman should be treated like this. You have to have faith in Allah and seek his guidance. Divorce is permissable in Islam, it is a last resort. It is not an easy decision but one that has to be made cautiously. As muslims, espcially muslim men, are suppose to emulate the prophet, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him. I ask the sisters to please make duah for me as my heart is hurting right now.

        Asalam Walakum

      • Aslamualikum khadija api.. Plzzz give me your contact number.. I am facing this horrible situation form my husband side.. I wna take your advice as u faced already this situation.. Plzz guide me what i do

    • People like you are responsible for breaking of family of two persons. When a couple is separated shaitan is most happy. And without asking husband u r encouraging wife on her act of wife who has put her family without any care on footpath.

      • I'm sure the sister did not take this decision lightly. Do you imagine it's easy to leave the home with four children and stay in a shelter? The abuse must have been very bad. Don't judge people without knowing what they are going through.

        Wael Editor

  2. Dear Sister,

    It must have been very difficult for you to take the step of leaving your husband. But sister, rest assured that if your husband was abusing you physically and emotionally, then you have done the right thing and it was indeed very brave of you. The stage you are going through now will be difficult, but inshaAllah once this stage has passed and you are feeling mentally stronger, easier times will come for you.

    Allah tells us in the Glorious Quran about marriage:

    "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

    Your husband is meant to love you, protect you, shower you with compliments, adore you, father your children and support you. If he is abusing you, then he is not fulfilling the purpose of marriage; he is instead violating your God given rights and if you stay with him any longer, he will break your soul and damage your children aswell.

    Be firm in your decision and ask Allah to give you something better, somthing that is good for your deen, your life in this world and the next.


    I read something very beautiful about the purpose of marriage by Dr. Sherif Mohammed. I have copied it below for you to read and ponder over and to look forward to inshaAllah:

    By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

    She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;

    When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

    The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says: "they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

    Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

    The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable. The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that: it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72) Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an, "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)



    Dear Sister, you are my sister in Islam and so I love you for the sake of Allah. So know that you are not alone, Allah is with you and we are here to help and support you. Please feel free to communicate with us here and if you wish for any our female editors to speak to you in private, we can arrange that.

    May Allah give you strength during this trial and may He give you ease after this difficulty, aameen!!


  3. May Allah forgive me as I completely forgot to mention that you should most definitely do istikhara before making decisions on such issues. Doing so will give you the peace of mind of knowing that you have consulted Allah and have asked Him to put blessings in your decision.

    SisterZ Editor

  4. Sister rockinhijab, you are an example of strength for all other women who are in abusive situations. Ma-sha-Allah. It must have been tremendously difficult to leave, but I'm sure the smiles on your children's faces are validation enough. Insha'Allah you are right that Allah has something better in store for you. Hang in there.

    Wael Editor

  5. Please do not feel guilty. Allah knows everything and he loves you. Though I am new to Islam, from what I have read in the Qu'ran, your husband is not fulfilling his duties as required by Allah. He is calling you 'unislamic'; however he must turn his eyes around and upon his own self. I don't see that the intention in Islam is to remain in an abusive relationship.

    Everything happens for a reason and in this life you have beautiful children that love you and will respect you always for keeping them safe and taking care of them.

    Please be safe sister and take good care of yourself.

  6. salams sister rockinghijab,

    I must say u are very brave to take a decision like this mashAllah, i've been going through a physical and verbal abusive marriage for 8 years now and still am, i dont know if i want to come out of this relatonship as i still love my husband a lot even after doing so much to me including getting married to another woman. Iv not told my family about any of this as i dont want to worry them, iv told my in laws but they dont want to get involved and think i am in the wrong and my husband is always right. I sometimes wish i had the strength and courage to end this marriage and live a better life but i feel my love for my husband is so strong that it stops me from leaving him but he doesnt feel the same way.

    • Assalamualaikum sister lbk,

      maybe the way to your husband is not love but getting addition as you have many things in a long time even that is wrong. love is when you want also to make the person being better if they do wrong though the thing is you have to let it go.. find strength from Allah SWT

      if we let it happen the chance are we have contributions as a wrong part...

      Allohu Alim

  7. Sister Salam,

    I pray Allah consoles you and comforts you. I understand your situation as I am in the same shoes as you. 4 kids and emotionally and mentally abusive husband.

    The only dfference is we dont live together, I have a job, raise the kids on my own and he comes around once or twice in a year. I have been married for 9 years now and I am considering leaving. He tells me divorce should never be an option for me and I am offending Allah by considering it.

    I have done my istikhara hence my finding this web page. For me, I dont love him but I lack the strength to leave and fear the future.

    Everyone tells me no man would want to marry me with 4 kids and that I should stick to him and live with the pain. They make it sound like if I leave, I will stop receiving reward from Allah and I would be earning his displeasure by doing one of the permissible things he hates most.

    I dont have support from any friend and family hence my lack of strength and worry about regretting my action

    • Salaam sisters Halima and Ibki - I am no scholar but i just wanted to both of you that no one deserves to be treated in this way - be it verbally or physically abusive.

      @ Halima - what your husband said about divorce offending Allah swt is not true! Yes it is the most hated permissible things but it is permissible. Allah swt wants the best for us - and we owe it to ourselves an our children to look after ourselves. Dont let the family or your husband bully you into staying if you feel you need to leave. If he is beating you or it is gettin much worse - make arrangements and leave ASAP- Also a bad family environment may be more detrimental to your kids then a divorce sister. Ask Allah to show you the right way.

      @Ibk - if your husband is abusing u both verbally and physically - you should make arrangements to leave - i know its hard an u feel you love him. Ask Allah swt to give you the strength to do whats right

      Love u both for Allahs sake sisters
      I pray that Allah swt gives u strength to do whats best for you both

      • Salaam sister SRMuslimah,

        I am so confused sister, i have 3 children (aged 6, 2 and 1) and im 7 and half months pregnant again, my husband married again when i was 3 months pregnant (4 months ago) and since then i have been going through a lot including his beatings!! Although his other wife is in Morocco, they still argue on the phone because she wants him to divorce me and he doesnt want to, after every argument they have he comes and takes it out on me and beats me!! I feel stuck in this marriage as im thinking about my children aswell, i dont want them to grow up without a father, although he's hardly home for them now but my children are very attached to him. He now threatened me to tell everyone that weve seperated coz he wants to get his other wife here and if i dont do that then he will leave me, at first i didnt agree to this but now i do because i feel that once he gets her here and him living with her will make me start hating him and maybe then i'll be able to leave him. Please make duas for me sister!!

        • I will dear sister. you are stronger than u think. Make dua to Allah swt to get u out of this sitatuon. No one deserves to be treated this way. and yes your children may be attached to him, an its natural ur worried about them not having a father, but it may be that if hes behaving this way, it could be more detrimental to the children. Keep yourself safe sister and make dua. If you do find the strength to leave make arrangements (without your husbands knowledge- dont tell him dont let him find out) for a place to live etc - there are charities and helplines that can help you with this and stay out of his way in the meantime) If it was verbal abuse I would say try to sort it out with him. I pray that Allah swt protects u dear sis. You will be in our duas .xx

      • Salaam sister..I truly undrstnd ur pain...even I m going thru same..mine has been a luv marriage n although my husband claims to luv me very much he has abused me several tyms.professionally I WS successful before marriage..BT after my marriage he dominated me so much dat m not allowed to take any decision..he insulted me in front of his family n thrashed me even in front of my family hates him BT still I am continuing fr my 2 yr old son...I need help...he cares fr my son a lot..BT I feel I can't take it any more..plz advice me sisters..everyone I met says I shud leave him or make dua n HV sabr..everyone around me says I tuk a wrong decision marrying him...he does not even earns properly to support me n my kid...advice me sisters

  8. Hi,

    You gave you marriage 10 years to improve i think. This is all a woman can do, trying to improving her own shortcomings meanwhile. In spite of this, if things dont improve on the husband's side, I think its great that youve decided to move on. InshAllah you will have a happier, content life ahead of you 🙂

    May Allah protect you and your children.

  9. Asalaamu Walaikum sisters, I thank you for your comments and support, it is greatly appreciated and comforting. I pray to Allah for clarity of mind. Being suck here in this new state without friends or family. I contacted my husband and went back to my home to visit my family, my husband was acting very loving and declaring many changes. But I could only think of how things already were. I told him that i would agree to work on our marriage but am staying where i am, he agreed now two weeks later he is giving me suggestions as he calls it. That i need to return home immediately. He now wants to dictate islam to me. I appologize but it make me angry, because where was HIS islam when he was slapping me, belittling me, or making false accusations. I am afraid all over again. he now knows what state i'm in and the general area. How can i tell the program i'm in that my location has been compromised by me after all there assistance. How could i have done this to my children. Allah please have mercy on me.

  10. rockinhijab,
    He is manipulating you to stay and he is using religion to do it. He knows you are following Islam and he will keep using it till you fall prey to his manipluations. Once you stay you his abuse will start again and you will feel like an idiot to fall for his ways. Get out before your spirit breaks, go where you have to go and get legal protection agianst him, then divorce him both Islamically and legally and make sure you get child support. You will need your family's support in this matter, I suggest you contact them and you will need a job.

  11. Salaam Sister,

    Playing Mr Nice is part of their game, the abuse has restarted. Please do get back help from the support workers you were with, they will understand as normally it takes up to six attempts of leaving to finally leave. Lots of ladies go thru the same. You may visit this link which will show you how situations like you are in develop, the best advice is , establish the NO CONTACT RULE with him. If he is to contact you , it should be thru your solicitor only.

    Allah be with you, keep making astarfar, keep asking for his Blessings and Forgiveness and Read lots of Darood on our Holy Prophet (PBUH)

  12. Salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

    Sister, I'm just about to do the same thing, where you at maybe we can link up?

    I'm in Toronto, Canada thinking about going deep east for a complete change.

    All I can say about our situation is Tawakaltul al Allah, and Allah never gives you or

    anyone else a burden more then you or they can endure.

    Now that you are gone you need to go an speak to a sheik about your situation. and may Allah guide you me

    and the rest of the muslims. Ameen

    Umm Khadejah

    P.S what piss me off more then anything else is a brother that seems to be Masha Allah but turns out to so much less then that. He wants to tell you about how un-islamic your behaviour is but never took a good look at his self. The prophet said and this is not an exact quote... but to be kind to your wife, and that we should be obedient to our husbands.

    • as salaamu walaikum sister, i pray that you have found away to find happiness in your life and leave your husband, at the time i am in north carolina and looking for somewhere anywhere to leave to. Sad to say i returned to my husband in february due to sharing my situation with program staff and there not being any assistance available for a women with teenage boys, not even a week after returning he was back to the same stuff, after having 3 months to find myself again i cant stay here, the physical abuse has not resumed but the emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad. The worst situation is I don't know how to tell my children, i have decided to wait for school to be out before i leave but my children ages 17, 14, 9, and 8 are gonna be affected. my daughter wants to leave she tells me everyday she wishes we had never returned, i want to leave mostly for her, i don't want her to grow up and think that a women has to settle for this type of behavior. I can work i just need help getting on my feet, please keep in touch my personal email is **************** (email address deleted by editor)

    • Sisters, I'm also about to leave our house. But I have 2 kids aged 11 & 2... and I guess I'm pregnant now. I've been verbally abused and I'm
      just trying to stay in my marriage because of my children. I don't want them to have a broken home. The last word that I received from my husband which I felt like he already crossed the line, "DO YOU PAY FOR ALL THESE? He refers to our shelter, food that we eat, furnitures. I just controlled my anger that day and didn't respond. I wept in our room and picked up all the patience that I can get. I believe I deserve the maintenance, food, clothing, and medical support based on his capacity. But it breaks my heart whenever he slams it on my face. He often slams the door when he's mad. Shouts at me on simple things.

      I wrote him a letter how I am in our marriage. I felt belittled, humiliated and he's so BLIND to see my intangible contribution in the house. I serve him, i cook his meals, i wash his clothes, i beautify myself for him, i raise our kids...(BTW, I have a job before our marriage, but he told me to resign and stay in the house).

      I asked him how do I have to pay to get a Khula from him. He told me that I need to RETURN EVERTHING TO HIM... that condition, will leave me penniless. I and My kids might end up living in the street.

      I am totally devastated right now, I've stayed with him, faithful and loving wife n mother for 7yrs... I really don't know what to do. Is there any charity place where I and my kids can stay in Philippines while I try to find a job?

  13. You are doing the right thing about leaving. He is using religion against you, it is a form of manipulation. My husband molested my 16 year old sister several times over the course of a 3 year period. After I found out, I stayed with him for 3 years, which i regret everyday, bc i was manipulated.

  14. dear rockinhijab, salam alayk,

    i had done what u r about to do 4 years ago, and my life turn out so blessed now. I'm a better muslim, I realised Allah has helped me along the way, gives me rizq, gives me a good job, gives me a hsuabnd, and gives me a son. MashaAllah Islam is beautiful... if we understand it in the right way. Islam protects women from abuse, not like Christian where they cant divorce.

    when i try to leave my ex he threatened to kill me, he said that im nasyiz, i will never smell jannah, i do the thing Allah hates most , etc... he will says anything to make us feel terrible, to feel guilty, and return to him, by using Islam. DONT fall for it. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is not God, he cant decide whether we smell jannah or not. We do what Islam says, what Quran says, what Allah says, ie: we can get divorce by khulu / fasakh if we are not happy anymore and we know that our husband is naturally a bad man. He wont changes to someone nice just by promising, he can't change himself in even 10 years, your sits will only get worse, trust me on this.

    Im glad because i decided to leave him, and i break all connection with him, change address, change phonenumber, change email, or block his email address. I even instruct all my family memebrs not to answer his calls. He even swore to my dad n my mum. he called them kaafirs. but no body cares about him, because my family is so supportive to me.

  15. Hello,
    I am going through teh exact phases of emotional abuse from my husband as well as my in laws. I have been a dentist and working when I got married, but now for three years, I have not even stepped out of the house. I cannot even go to get my basic things, or to have a small facial, pedicure or manicure done, so that I can look attractive to my husband. When I get dressed up, my husband is very critical, or disapproves. My mother in law constantly criticizes everything i do. She fills my husband with stories, which result in him humiliating me, not talking to me, or insulting me in front of others. She screams for no apparent reason, calls me humiliating names in front of the maids, relatives or any one she comes accross with. My husband does not work, and I have been handing him out money by borrowing from my parents. He never tells me where he uses it, and when I ask him, he says you are no one to ask what I do with the money or where I go. recently, I have started seeing him more and more on teh phone and texting messages, which he later deletes. He calls me stupid, and he and his mother question every little decision that I take for my one year old son. They would start insulting me, sahying that my husband should get remarried, and insult me so that I do as they want. I am a veyr tolerant person, and I have learnt from my parents that I should treat his paretns like my own. But my husband is very rude towards my parents. He does not let me visit them, since I live in anothre city from my parents. He is cosntantly asking where I spend the money, which he gives me. But it is very very little amount, and I am never able to get any thing for myself. He is not working, and does not seem to be intrested in doing either. He simjply starts whining after five or six months that he needs money to pay off his credit cards. I get the money for him. He never clears his credit cardds and does not tell me where he used it. He spends very little time at home, and even little time with me. Whenever we are getting along somewhat, his mother stirs up some stupid and insignificant issue and raises so many complaints that we end up fighting. She uses very improper and dirty language, and insults me about my education, and my family.

    I am 90% sure that I want to leave him, because now I am constantlyill, I am having high blood pressure. and now I am having panic attacks. I work arond the house all day, while all the housemembers leave for their errands, with me stayhing alone with my baby in the house, all day. I cannot take this anymore. Please tell me am I correct to take such a decision, when he does not support me or my son, is abusive towards me, does not spend time with me, never returns my money, and his family members being very rude to me.

    I am very hurt but mroe than that I am now exhausted to try and make this relation work. I have absolutely no motivation to serve a man who does not treat me like a wife.

    • "me", sorry to hear about what you are going through. If you log in and write your question as a separate post, we can give you a detailed answer Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

    • As salamu alaykum sister "me",

      Please, ask for Allah(swt)´s guidance doing Istikhara, on top of the page you have a link with all the information about Istikhara, may help you feel inside what is the right step to take for you and your baby, insha´Allah.

      María Editor

  16. Salam

    Abuse is wrong in every and any way. No matter what, if it's emotional,verbal or physical , they all fall under the category of abuse. Abuse can ruin you. If kills ur self esteem, confidence and sometimes it can result in death. In Islam and all other religions it is a sin to abuse anyone in particular ones spouse. I've been married for 14 years and have 3 children and I've been dealing with emotional abuse for the past 5 years from my husband that I'm actually now have been diagnosed with severe depression because of it. My husband even more now abuses me more because he can't handle my depression and always threatens me with divorce if I don't snap out of it(as if it's in my control) . My husband besides the abuse is a very good man, he takes care of me and the kids very well financially and is good to me most of the time but for some reason he gets moments where he just starts saying nasty things about me and puts me down so badly that I honestly pray for death. Nothing I do is good enough for him, he constantly says that he deserves better even though I do everything he asks of me and more. I'm currently suffering also from a disease which gives me a lot of pain and also causes depression but I never let him see when I'm in pain or suffering severely with the side effects because when I used to before he used to say to me ' ur always sick, I'm sick of u, I need a stronger woman', so now I never let him see me suffering no matter how bad it is. I always take extra pain killers that I'm killing my liver slowly just so he won't have to see me in pain. I'm so tired of it. I always ask Allah(swt) to help me get through it not the pain of my illness but through the pain my husband gives me. I just wish the the sheikhs out there can constantly give lectures to the Muslim men on how they should treat their wives and not just how a women should treat her husband because that's all they focus on is the rights of the man but what about the rights of women.
    Inchallah men wake up and realise that Allah(swt) gave rights to women just like he gave men. All we want is to be happy and be treated fairly and for my husband to let me be, I honestly don't ask for more than that. If we don't get the happy life now then inchallah we will in the next. Ameen.

    • Aslm. My husband refuses to let my 7 year old son be close to my parents. He gets angry with their grandparent -grandchild relationship. He never leaves my son there if they ask to take him out or just to spend time there. He says he doesnt need to. He is the father. He lets my son spend time with his parents coz they are his 'blood' he says. Im very hurt by this and so are my parents. I hate how disrespectful he is towards my family. It makes me so depressed because no other husband behaves this way. He will hit my son if he sees my son relaxing in my parents room.

      Please advise.


      • Assalaamu Alaykum,

        Your husband is in the wrong. Your parents are just as much blood to your child as his are. Your son has a right to see them and it is unislamic for him to come between them. If he is getting abusive and violent because of him even being there, this is concerning. My honest advice to you is to leave your husband and go to your parents until something agreeable can be worked out. If you need further advice, log in and submit your question as a separate post.

        -Amy Editor

  17. Get up and change .. May Allah be with you Amen. I am also coping up with post divorce issues. Dua, parents support and education can be your weapons. If you dont have them, try to get them as soon as possible. Pray for me as well

    Your Pakistani well wisher. Maryam

  18. salaam to all the wonderful, inspirational ladies. i feel all your pain and i can relate.i am with someone who not just physically but is mentally abusing me. he smokes weed daily upto 5. i caught him and he confessed promising to quit before we had our son. our son is now 15 months and no sign of quitting. he has hit me in the past and also at 7 months pregnant. police were involved when he hit me and i nearly fell on our 5 month son. i was petrified. i use to pray 5 times a day but he has taken my sakoon and mentally i cant function. he s out 5 nihts a week with friends who also smoke and supply. 3 weeks he stayed with his parents because i had had enough. he emotionally manipulate sme by using his health he is fit and well yet everytime we have a issue he claims chest pains and when i am ok within seconds he is fine. he is far from his deeen and i have tried many ways to bring him closer yet he is interested in videos of islam the actully reading his namaaz. he claims to be changing himself from the inside but for me salaat does that changes you from the inside. i feel stuck with someone who is not only manipulating but i fear anything i say or do will make him switch. i am not myslef around him and when he arrives home i dread it. its hard to admit but i prefer it when he is out or at work. i dont know what to do as he calls me a begerath and allah will never forgive me and he is the best thing to happen to me then why do i feel like i have made such a grave mistake?
    he doesnt pay rent bills ect i do i have had to work to make ends meet while he has his own buisness and he money he makes i have no idea where it goes. everything is a battle where i am at fault and he is the victim. i use to make breakfast but he never ate so i stopped as i was wasting food he believe even if he doesnt eat it i should make it but then i am wasting food i cant even afford to buy. he doesnt give time to our sonwho yearns for his attention. he is either high or zoned in tv. we dont exhist until he has a need. he doenst perform ghusl adding more problems and i cant say a word else i get the worst verbal abuse. starting from my parents to me as a person. i cant do or offer more then what i already have. i have to think about our son who is witness to all this the impact of rows is no good for him. i am at my end only allah knows how i have tried and i feel we are going down a bad road. sistres please advise

  19. What abuse? Mention it? What do you consider as abuse, maybe he is right.

    • I'm pretty sure you'd be saying different if a man abused YOUR mother, sister or daughter like that. Seriously, I read your other comment and I can't decide whether you're a troll or not. If not then you're just a horrible human being and I feel sorry for your wife having to live with a man like you.

  20. As Salaamu Walaikum,

    I'm at the moment in a similar circumstance. I married again in Jan of 2014. I had been previously divorced for 6 years...a single mother with one son. I had gone through the same in my previous marriage..mental and physical abuse.
    Then I met my husband..although younger than me 10 years...but age didn't matter as we got along so well. He proposed and I just thought that maybe this is from Allah for me and I will gain some happiness. We married but soon after my husband became sarcastic about everything..I would get to hear about my ex that even after divorce I was having an affair with him so that he wouldn't take my son away.
    My husband didn't provide for me and doesn't to this day. I'm his second wife and I live with my mother in a different city here in Pakistan.As promised he never took me to his family and they have never accepted me. On occasion he has been very rude on my mothers door step..and one day she banned him. My sister and her husband are also against him. No one is supportive...with the result in sandwiched...I hear my husband's comments about him not getting any respect and I'm other hand seeing my own aggainst him.
    if he had provided a time I wouldv lived there and not with my mom..having the support of my in laws would have shown my family that I did have some respect but this way I have no standing..when he comes we stay in a hotel spend a few days and he leaves.

    This is an unusual marriage. His first wife is now going to give birth to her second child...she has all his respect and a place in society.

    He doesn't wanna leave me and I want peace with him but how will I go on this way.


  22. Assalam Alaikum confused, I totally understand where u are coming from.i am in a similar situation.what hurts is the person doesn't even understand what they are doing to themselves...It hurts to see ur own husband draw a Web between him and Allah. .....its hurts to see ur husband who u carry through hard times throw away his life to weed,and tries to justify smoking it....what hurts also is the fact that as a woman u have to assume the position of husband and wife,it also have to look after my disabled mother Mashallah. And no assistance from my husband....I feel so alone and lost,and it's killing my image no matter what I do .I am so consumed by pain and hurt that it's all I think about.

    I don't think my husband loves us,his family coz if he did he would try hard to be home teach our kids deen and try to further his responsibilities as a husband.its amazing the tests Allah puts us thru.

    Allah guide us all.

  23. Assalamulaikum sisters,

    I am a british revert, I married a malay man almost five years ago and ended up moving out to malaysia. Although i am a revert i am still learning my way through Islam. I am going through a very hard time, and i dont know what to do.

    Before i married my husband and made the commitment to leave me country and leave everything behind to be with my beloved husband, he made a promise to me that we could come back to visit my family and country once a year. After we had married i didnt see my family for two years, And he finally brought me back to my country which i showed a lot of appreciation. After our three week visit we went back to malaysia and i didnt get to see my family for another two years, so my husband finally allowed me to go back home for a visit with our two children, I had every intention to come back to malaysia to my husband but after spending two weeks back here i had a break down.

    They asked me what caused my break down and it made me reflect on my life, for the past five years i was there in malaysia there were so many broken promises. My husband peomised that we would have our own place (which in respect i gave him time to do because money doesnt grow in trees), but he ended up landing a very good job with a very good pay, so hes parents let us use their flat but during this period of time my husband was coming back very late, and some nights come to collect clothes and be gone the whole night explaning he had to stay at the office and there would be some nights he would come home late smelling of alcohol.

    Also, to top this i ended up with an STD (i am very sorry for to much information) and he went to the doctors and was diagnosed with this and i have no idea how he got this because he, and i never had this before.

    He ended up losing hes job so we moved back i to hes parents house, which was a big issue for me because hes mum never fully accepted me, well i wont accuse her Allah forgive me, but by her actions towards me made me feel she disliked me.

    Every ramahdan i would bath both my children and go down stairs to help lay the table out, wash dishes after eating,help with the cooking,every single day ,but this one day she decided to lay the table very early and my father in law come home and scould me at the table infront of everybody saying i should help my mother in law more and she sat there with a smerk on her face and didnt defend me and tell him i helped her everyday.

    But on behalf of my father in laws side he apologised to me. but not only was this going on, i was helping her clean the house, and it wasnt a small house it was very big.. but she always found something to be displeased about. i dont want to speak to bad about them because they are not here to defend themselves, but i also told my mother in law about the STD and i asked of she could bring me to the doctors so i can check my health is ok, she agreed but she told me i wasnt allowed to ne checked at my father in laws hosptial because of reputation. Couple stories short she didnt take me to go and get a check up. (Let me also add that i have no license and totally depandant on my husband and hes family.) my husband redused to take me to the doctors and only gave me medication that the doctor gave to him!.. i had to rely on all hes family so when i did my shopping hes brother would take me but not only would he take me, he would feed back to my mother in law how much it cost which to be belife was not her business. If i had any post come she would check where the post was from and ask what did i buy. (It was her birthday gift). My mother in law would be very sly with her words, i would say "i want to sell beauty products, what do you think mum?" And she would rely with "you have to have nice skin to sell beauty products".

    But let me make this clear sister, i wasnt selling beauty products to look good, i wanted to sell them for the purpose of gettibg rid of acne or exzema. (Which ,Alhamdulillah, Mash-Allah i dont have.) why did my mother in law have to bring my confidence down?..

    My husband would be out every night with friends,every single night i would sleep alone in the bedroom and he would come back at 6am and go straight ro sleep, he wouldnt pray with me, he wouldnt teach me Al Quran, he taught me once sisters, Iqra. I started classes and Alhamdulillah i reached iqra 4.

    My husband would spend thousands on hes car, modifcations ect, but when it come to family responsibilities he would duck and leave for hes parents to deal with. Which i toatly disagree with.

    I am currently still in my country and he is telling me to go back and that he will change, he tried applying for a spouse visa but it was rejected, i dont want to go back but i love my husband but i dont like how he treated me those five years.

    We fight everyday, hes always telling me i am wrong for leaving, and hes mother also told me i am in the wrong for leaving.. maybe in their perspective i was wrong but Ya Allah i had no choice. My husband negelted both me and our children and when i told him about the things hes mum would do or say he would just say "thats mum, deal woth it."

    No where in the Al Quran does it say the mother in law can be rude to the daughter in law or find trouble with her. She used Islam as a power to over power me which i never tried to over power her, i knew she was higher then me and i accetped that.

    She saw me as a compition and i dont know why. Therea so much more to this but i fear that i am gossiping ans i dont want that to be the case.

    I am scared, i dont know what to do. He wont let me work, i lost all my friends.

    Please sisters, advise me accordingly to Islam. I am still learning about Islam and i am afraid if im making to many mistakes or disobeying my husband and being an unlawful wife. Please help.

    • Salam Unknown,

      Sorry to hear about your situation. I generally recommend people to have patience and get back together. In you case I can't recommend that.

      I think the verse at the end applies to you as you cannot maintain this marriage. The manipulation, neglect and general feel of you not being in a family is enough that I would say you two shouldn't be together. He's not maintaining you, the family that you're with isn't acting like a team and what he's saying he will do, he doesn't do it.

      He drinks, somehow he ended up with an STD, neither he nor the family will take you to a doctor, he just asks you to put up with his mother who seems jealous that you're with her son. I mean it's just ridiculous, this doesn't sound like an Islamic family at all. I wonder if he is at all concerned about his afterlife. Please separate and stay in the UK, please don't go back ever. This just sounds like a very abusive relationship where you don't get to do anything, he gets to do whatever he wants, and everyone is on your case as to what you're doing wrong.

      To answer your question on learning more Islam. I've had luck with Nouman Ali Khan's vidoes. He does Quran cover to cover and gives insights on the Quran. Some of it may be on youtube but he runs his own site as well. You may be able to request free access to site. I hope things work out well for you. Salam.
      Sahih International: Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allah. But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah , then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allah , so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah - it is those who are the wrongdoers.

  24. Assalamualikum sisters in Islam,

    • Brother, please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn Insha'Allah. In the meantime, my short answer to you is STOP obsessing over your wife's past. Stop asking her about it and stop worrying. Why would you want to know? It sounds like, aside from a few minor attitude issues, she is not a bad wife. Accept her for who she is, show her that you love her, and things will get better in your relationship Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  25. i am in this state right now..i was i doing the right decision for asking for a divorce..why he blaming me...its not vey islamic he said..i am a sin he saaid...syurga is within his feet..yes i do agree because he is my husband..but i feel being abused..everyday of my life i was abused verbally..even he even hit me...ya allah is it in islam there is no justice with woman..why keep blaming on wife...

    even i was not given nafkah for me n my when i am separate from him..he said he want to change..honestly i dont want to go back to him..i am phobia...only allah knows how i feel

    • Asalam o alaikum all . I want to say that its really very hard to leave a husband .but when it comes to ur child u have to be very strong because now its the time for your child to grow and live . Mostly a son adopt what he sees his father doing n how is he treating to u . and a daughter expects the same as she sees you doing . and even the kids get mentally ill

  26. Assalama alaikum

    Please do not seek validation from anyone but Allah almighty. You made the best choice given your circumstances insha Allah and you left once you were ready. It can be so difficult to even leave but you did it. Alhamdulilah now you are a survivor of domestic violence. Focus your energy into your well-being and that will help you and others insha Allah. My reply may be late but may it benefit someone insha Allah. Please remember me in your duaas insha Allah.

  27. Assalamu 'alaykum Dear Sisters,

    Whether we are dealing with difficulties in marriage or any other situation, we must turn to the guidance of Allah and His prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam). ''O you who have believed, obey Allah and obey the Messenger and those in authority among you. And if you disagree over anything, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you should believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is the best [way] and best in result.'' Quran 4:59

    If a husband and wife cannot settle a dispute, then Allah tells us to appoint an arbitrator from both sides.

    Quran 4:35] If a couple fears separation, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family; if they decide to reconcile, God will help them get together. God is Omniscient, Cognizant.

    Think about this sisters. The husband has a degree over the wife when it comes to rights and if Allah advised husbands to separate themselves in bed if the wife is rebellious, and not abandon her (leave home) it is even more sinful that a wife leaves the marital home without her husband's permission because of his right of her obedience to him. So even in the toughest situation, we must not let emotions get the better of us.

    Then as you are probably aware, if after appointing and arbitrator and being patient, the matter is resolved then shukrillah, otherwise Allah has granted both parties the option of divorce.

    If the husband chooses to divorce his wife then the correct etiquette of divorce should be followed and the woman must remain in her husband's house during the waiting period of three monthly cycles (in the case that they may come to their senses and try to make their marriage work).

    If the woman initiates divorce (khula) then the waiting period is one month

    If the husband refuses to grant khula then a woman may take her case to an Islamic Judge. But she must remain in her marital home until her marriage contract is dissolved (unless her gives her permission to stay with her parents/family).

    My dear sisters, whatever situation you are in, please, please, always ask yourselves, 'What would Allah want me to do in this situation?' And do accordingly. And if you haven't the knowledge already, then ask those who do. No matter how tempting, avoid acting out of emotion/anger.

    When seeking a spouse, do not be shy to ask for character references. This is your life we're talking about. You're going to serving this man for the rest of your life. Make sure he is worthy of you. Don't let the desperate need for marriage make you turn a blind eye to his faults. Don't play the martyr and think you'll be able to fix him afterwards. This seldom works.

    Lastly, whatever decision you make, whether it's looking to end a marriage/seeking spouse, perform istikhara (consulting Allah subhana wa ta 'ala). Ask Allah to grant you someone He is pleased with and what is good for you. And remember Allah much with not just obligatory but with extra acts of worship and make the morning and evening adhkars your daily habit.

    May Allah have mercy on us all and protect us from the evil within ourselves and around us. Ameen.

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