Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is emotionally abusing me, is he right to do this?

web of tears

As-salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmat Allah Barakatu.

I am suffering in my marriage. Here is the situation. My husband and I have both been married before. He had three children with his ex-wife and claims that he was forced into the marriage for specific reasons I cannot name here but are legitimate. What I don't understand is, if he was forced to marry a woman he didn't love then why did he have children with her? Regarding myself, I come from a split background. My father is a Muslim but my mother is not. They divorced while I was very young and I was not raised upon Islam. In fact I was not raised around my father and had very limited relations with him due to my mother. As such I was not always living correctly and made mistakes.

I was married to a Muslim when I was still a child and divorced not long after. Many years later I had children with a man outside of wedlock. He convinced me he was converting and I waited stupidly. He made every excuse not to marry yet and blindly I believed him. At the end I realized what a fool I was and that what we shared was not love. I did not love him, rather I just wanted my family to be unbroken. After we split we went our separate ways and there is absolutely nothing between us. He has someone new for over four years and I married my wonderful Muslim husband...or so I thought. In the beginning of our marriage everything was great, I told him of my past and how ashamed I am of it and he said it doesn't matter, he loves me. He led me to prayer, fasting, studying Qur'an etc. We had a child together and now a new one on the way. However the problem is like this.

While in the beginning he accepted me he now disdains me at times. I do not see my children from the previous relationship because of him. Their father would demand to have some contact with me and my husband says that he cannot accept my children. It completely contradicts what he said when we wed. Then we have his children over all the time, I teach them school, I cook for them and in essence lead them in Islamic life in our home, mind you the younger one is foul mouthed and a complete brat. Their mother publicly slandered me, lied about me to people I do not know and she removed her hijaab, drops the kids when she feels and I have turned into a slave for my husband and his kids.

When my husband and her were married they slept in separate rooms and the children became used to that. Now that they practically live with us he has taken it upon himself to sleep in their room every night even when they are not here. He has blamed our new pregnancy on me. And demands I have my tubes tied. He has gone on porn sites and blamed me saying that my past makes him disgusted with me. He insults me. He says that the only reason why I stay is because I have nowhere else to go and has said that he wished I could go back with my childrens' father. Mind you this does not stop him from having relations with me and at times he makes me feel so wonderful and loved and adored that in those moments I forget his bad actions. What is worse is he becomes angry and demands to know how many times I slept with the father of my children, in detail! I do not see that this is his right or business!

 He does not work, stays home all day and on top of that I am enrolled in college as well as he so we can pay the bills, the only thing here is that I take BOTH his and my classes. I do all the homework and he has never even done a single thing for his school work but in the end he expects that financial aid check and student loan. Also, I had been enrolled over a year ago in a different college and due to an audit was not disbursed my financial aid. My husband blames me for not keeping on his car payment which was repossessed because the check didn't come and the truth is that the car was in his and his ex's name. She turned it in to receive payment and I get blamed and called a liar because he wants proof I was enrolled in college. Right now my second check for repayment is late and he says he doesn't believe me and demands to see the check. We received $5,000+ from this college year and he spent all of it in less than a month already. Approximately $200 was spent on me. I pawned my wedding jewelry to pay for gas for him and he still didn't get it out. He bout himself a new laptop, and other toys. The $200 for me was food, and a couple of wall hangings. Please don't get me wrong here, I love my husband. I appreciate his leading me to prayer, fasting and a moral life. I want our children brought up in a decent Muslim household including his children. But I feel so lonely and depressed. I haven't seen or heard from my own children in close to two years. I have no family or friends and no one to help me.

I submit to Allah SWT and pray my daily prayers. I just don't know what to do and I don't want a divorce.

Please tell me is this correct that I am treated this way?


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9 Responses »

  1. Salaams Sister

    Sorry for the troubles and hardships you are experiencing in your life. You don't deserve to be treated this way. It must be really difficult for you to be living away from your children especially without seeing them for two years! You should explain to your husband that he can't keep you away from your kids. You have a right to be with them. In my opinion if he can't accept your children then you shouldn't be with him.

    You should sit down with your husband and explain to him all the problems which your'll are facing in your'lls marriage. Try to compromise. Discuss spending time equally with both your'lls kids. Encourage him to study. Don't do his homework or take his classes. You are only driving him to be more lazy. Don't discuss anything more of the past. Make sincere tawbah of all your sins and concentrate on the future.

    You mentioned: "You love your husband" then try to make things work out with him. Maybe the new baby would bring some change into your'lls life.

    Communicate your feelings to him but sister if you don't see any change in your husbands behaviour then you should reconsider if it's worth being with this man.Rememeber you deserve to be treated with respect and love. Your husband should be someone whom you can rely on in the future. You home should be a place of comfort for you.

    It's good that your husband is leading you to a life of prayer, fasting and moral life but don't let him lead you to a life of misery. You deserve better then this.


  2. sorry beside he doesnt treaten you well, as wife. thats bad. but the worst thing is you choose your husband instead of your blood, your children. I would give my life to my children. Some mothers fight for years to get their children. The main problem is not how he treats you, the main biggest problem is you are away from your children. Even if you treat you like a queen, would it be enough to be happy without your kids.
    Personally, i would rather live miserably with my children, then like a queen without them.

    Lately i feel sad, cos my cat didnt come back, i had her since she was baby. What about your own kids.

  3. Dear Sister,

    What a miserable existence you are living. Your good enough to watch this mans children when his ex wife brings them by but you cannot see your own?! What is that? Have you ever thought about your children and how the fact that you are not involved in their lives is going to affect them in adulthood? Do you know how much anger they are going to have towards you for basically abandoning them and not being there for them? Just because two people divorce, does not mean your children automatically don't need you! Your husband is wrong in so many ways to not allow you to see them. Where is his heart...his compassion? Even a dog shows compassion to it's young. Shame on him.

    • Agreed.

      Sister, you must lay the ground for your husband. Although alhumdulillah he has brought good within you (i.e.: salat, fasting and a moral life) he still is committing many haram actions (i.e.: porn and of course disobedience to you, his wife). Islam isn't "pick and choose what you like". It's submitting completely and entirely to Allah swt. Make it clear to him, if his children can come over and rightly so as they do deserve to see their father (you will be rewarded immensly for being so kind to them inshAllah), than so should yours. If he had children in the past, so did you. What makes the situation any different? Just because you had them out of wedlock? Your past action is haram but not the children. They are pure as can be and deserve their mother's love. Do not neglect your children of their rights. You brought them in this world and it is your duty now to be there for them or else they will develop immense hatred for you for abadoning them like this.

      May Allah swt make this test easier for you.
      - Helping Sister

  4. Salaam aleykum,

    Dear sister,

    Im sorry to hear about your situation. May your prayers and your faith in Allah console you.
    In my opinion things are bad for you and your children. You husband isnt taking the responsabilities he should take as a man, muslim, husband, father and member of society. I do see that you love him, but dear sis, its so easy for a man just to make an effort for an hour and make a woman feel good. Give her a little something, hold and kiss her, tell her she is the most beautiful, make her feel good emotionally and fysically. and then the rest of the time just use her or emotionally abuse her.

    It is your husbands duty to sleep by his wife, not by his kids. Besides its ridiculous to say that its your fault your a pregnant, it takes two remember? 😉 and hey, if you should have your tubes tied, then why doesnt your husband get a vasectomie? its an easier procedure medically speaking and its he who is claiming he doesnt want any more kids. And sweet sister, another thing, noting any woman ever did, justifies her husband viewing inappropriate videos with other women in it. Its not like this: you did this so i can do this. thats childish and wrong. Its what Allah thinks of your behavior. Its about living a clean live and taking responsibility for your actions. You cant stand before your Lord on the day of judgement and claim that you watched something or did something becoz others did bad things too. that would be an easy way out, but everyone knows its wrong.

    About your financial situation, i have to say i find this very very very disturbing. Not only is your husband completely responsible for your house, food and clothing, and that of your children, so he should get a job and guarantee you an income. Also your husband never has the right to blame you for anything financial that lies in his responsibility, let alone make you pay for things.

    Its hard to give you an advice on what to do, i do however wish to give you my support and love. Turn to Allah in prayer and do your best to become independent (by getting a job so you can support yourself, but remmber, you dont have to support your husband!!!) and to become free of debt if you have any.

    Remember to have patience, but also mind your limits. Remember that you need to do what is right by your children, you need to set the example for them, as a woman and a wife. If you keep taking abuse, then what will happen to your children when they grow up. fight for your children and fight for yourself too. You deserve happiness and support.

    With my love for you,
    salaam aleykum

  5. As salamu alaykum, my beloved Sisterinneedofhelp,

    I do believe you are stronger that it seems from outside, but I do believe you had deep carencies in your life that now are showing their face in your actual situation, you have no emotional connection to your children and you are allowing a man to emotionally abuse you, sister, I do believe you need proffesional help to put everything in the right place and reconnect the strings broken by the absence of your father and the emotional/psycological abuse of your mother during your childhood, I believe this will help you, insha´Allah.

    The facts here are that you haven´t mentioned in any way that you miss your children, you just complain about taking care of the others, you just told us that your ex claim for your presence and your husband forbids it, dear sister, I believe you could do something in these two years to at least, see them once a week and let them know you love them, your ex wants his children to keep in contact with their mother, you will have to forgive me for being so harsh,you said "After we split we went our separate ways and there is absolutely nothing between us", sister your subconscious has betrayed you, you have children with this man, there is a lot between both of you. He has a Heart that being muslim or not, deserves the presence of his children in his life, I feel very sorry for all of you, specially for your children and for you, and certainly you are always on time while you and them are alive, insha´Allah.

    It is so hard to see how a child that didn´t have the love of both parents begs for love, my Heart cries tears of blood looking at this, there are so many people out there that don´t have the choice, but you are alive, you have the choice and you are conscious of all of this, because you were in your children shoes once, you know how it hurts.

    You have lot of issues going on with this man, I would put them on a balance positive and negative, I would be honest to myself (do I want to be with him or not, do I want to stand this situation or not, do I want to improve my life or not, does it deserve to live this way, if it doesn´t what can I do to change what´s going on, you are the one earning the money and supporting your home, and he gives you one hour a week where he gets his needs covered and keep you happy for how long?,...) I do believe you need proffesional guidance to overcome this situation, please sister heal your wounds, because your wounds are creating many people hurt around yourself, take responsibility of your life and do what you have to do to improve, first yourself and as a consequence of this, the world around you, insha´Allah.

    I don´t want you to feel judged in any way, Allah(swt) forbids, I want you to realize that you have a problem that needs to be solved and the problem is not your husband, he is a consequence of your problem.

    Once you realize you have a problem, you accept it, you can look for solutions, you can heal it, you can move forward, you can ask for forgiveness, you will be able to forgive and you will heal many people´s lives just for the fact of healing yourself, Insha´Allah.

    My beloved Sister, I acknowledge all the suffering that you have been going through being so little, I can listen to your pain, I can see your mothers´s pain too reflected on you, Subhana´Allah, your soft Heart couldn´t handle so much pain, I can see all of this, I can see that little girl scared inside of yourself, please sister go to Allah(swt) and talk to Him(swt) about all your sufferings, all your fears, all your nightmares, all your broken dreams, all your lonely days and nights without Him(swt), my beloved Sister, now you are not alone anymore and you are loved, cared, respected for all of us and for the One who is the most important to all of us, our Almighty Lord (swt).

    I acknowledge your strength too, much more that you even can imagine, you have brought to this world these wonderful human beings that potentially will love you unconditionally with time once you go back to them and ask them for forgiveness and Allah(swt) has blessed you too with the presence of these other children that can be touched by your wing and change the course of their life, because who was supposed to be for them is not, Allah(swt) is giving you so much opportunities to flourish, Alhamdulillah, I hope you will see it and you make the proper steps to be the best you can be, insha´Allah.

    May Allah(swt) help and guide all of us to the Healing Light,Love and Respect we deserve. Ameen.

    I will pray for all of you, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  6. Why would you NOT want a divorce in this miserable situation? Your husband has no right to act this way, but surely you know that in your heart. I can't suggest anything but leaving him. Men like this do not change - or if they do change, it will be for a new woman who doesn't take well to their lack of respect and refuses to put up with it...from day one. Please don't bring children into this unhealthy relationship. That's one thing he is right about.

  7. Hey girl I married my muslim husband when i was 17 and 12years later we are still happley married however i was not rased muslim but studyed and converted no not for my husband for Allah and my self so i understand the muslims was so in a lot of ways i can understand every time your husband sees your kids he has to think of you lied with a nother man no im not saying its fare to you so you need to women up and put your foot down and girl to girl play reverse on him ok heres what you do if he dont want to exsept your kids stop exsepting his now im not saying hurt his kids ok you know but in order to get what you want than you have to play your cards just right now its up to you to come up with a plan so it dont mess up your marrage but get what you want you know your man so you know how to get inside his brane did i tell you that wemen hold all the power in the marrage men just think they do i dont got to tell you you know what i mean o ya i have ben married for 12 years and have 3 wonderful kids with my husband well got to go femalia love always Crystal.

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