My husband accepted Islam and I am learning it, but he criticizes my effort
The Truth of Islam
Hello everyone. I am looking for some answers today my husband is muslim and i am of course am not but i am learning hard about the religion and lifestyle. i am finding it very hard because i have no one who can help me learn and understand it.
My husband does not help me and if i research on the internet he just makes comments about it and criticise. Now we have been married since August last year and in that time i have tried my hardest to learn and compromise. i am of course christian but when he asks me to cover my hair i do and when he says i should not eat pork i don't even though it is not my belief.
he has told me he don't like me going clubbing and drinking alcohol so i make excuses to my cousin that i am working so i don't go out and i have not drank any alcohol. But i have found no matter what i do and try i still find he is not happy with me no matter what.
He has very bad anger problems he says the most nasty hurtful things and shouts at me a lot over anything. When he is calm he will say he just said it in anger but the things he says are the most nasty hurtful things ever. Now today he asked me to pick some papers as we had to go to Dvla to get tax for the car and his letter he had to post was amoungst them when i got to the Dvla the letter some how became lost and he asked what happened to it i tried to explain before i could he was angry and raising his voice.
He made me travel all the way back on the long journey to maidstone office to find it but when we got there it was nowhere to be found i had said sorry that it was an accident more than once even to show i was sorry drove all the way back there and still it was not enough he was so angry and called me names and said i was a child thats why he should not trust me with things.
We arrived back home to more yelling and attitude from him every time i tired talking to him he just ended up biting my head of to the extent i just cried. I had said sorry more than once but still he remained angry. Please is this normal for a muslim man to act? if anyone can also advice where i can learn more about his faith other than the internet.
thank you
- jelly
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hi jelly, hope you are doing well. you asked is this normal for a muslim man to act? answer is no, its not normal nor should any man should act like this. it seems like hes a psycho, with mental disorder. people who are aggressive tend to get violent at some point. remind your husband the prophet(pbuh) said, the best one amongst you are those who are good to their wives. what you described is totally contradicts what islam teaches.
I fail to understand how could a man(husband) criticize and makes comments when he should be the first to be supportive of the woman(wife), when she is trying so hard to learn about the religion and compromise although she's not a muslim.
if he cant accept you the way you are and trying to change your lifestyle just to please him, on top of that anger issues etc, then its best for him to to go his separate way.
remind him in Islam a man take's care of his woman in kindness. you don't have to put up with it.
also I would like to say muslim or not, a marriage is a 50/50 from both parties. if one side fails to put in effort, its high chance the marriage will fail.
you can learn about Islam from books. go to a muslim book store, there's plenty of books for you to learn and get a good understanding of Islam. on google you can find the nearest store in your area.
peace...
Hi Jelly, first of all NO a muslim man should not show this kind of anger towards his wife, Islam is a peaceful religion which teaches us to stay calm and respect each other, it's such a lovely thought that you are trying to learn about Islam and that to too please your husband. If any of my friends were in your situation I would advice them the following as I will advice you, first of all you should sit down with your husband and speak to him, explain to him that your keen to learn about Islam as a religion and agree with him there is mixed advice on the Internet etc, your husband should appreciate his wife asking him about his beliefs for the purpose of educating herself. While speaking to your husband you should stay calm... Once you have built an understanding with your husband I believe you should ask him to further help you in learning about Islam, it's a beautiful religion alhamdulila I'm sure you will find it interesting and willingness to learn more, there are many female religious classes which again I'm sure your husband will be able to ask around and find out for you, inshallah I will pray for you, but please be patient and don't get disheartened by your husbands attitude inshallah he will learn his mistake and help you rather then put you down.
I'm certain someone will come along on this page and advice greatly further.
Good luck
Sounds pretty much average behaviour to me, my husband is similar. I'm the daughter of a revert (was Christian) I'm married to a Muslim, I wish they would at least try to be like our beloved prophet but I guess it's too much to ask 🙁
Salam Jelly.
Sorry to say but your husband sounds like an idiot, and has no clue of the etiquette of Islam . is this how the holy Prophet treat people who where finding they where in to Islam?? of course not.
There is no one worse than one who hides behind his religion to bully and give it a paradigm of religion. You should show him this message and tell him to go learn the morals of teaching Islam and spreading the word of Allah through Honor respect and guidance of which he has none by the sounds of it, i come to this conclusion due to his mistreatment off his own wife that obeys and respects his moral stance yet he can not extend the same respect. It is people like this that put of others coming to the religion. We as Muslims are ashamed of such people. (Say but good or stay quite- Umar Ibn Khattab)
If you can hang out with a sister convert or one that practices that will help you find the understanding that will help you through this process. Other thing you can do is have a word with (Know it all) your Husband. And say to him from your own understanding Prophet Muhammad PBUH would never belittle or mistreat, as he is doing especially as you are trying to gain knowledge. and he should be ashamed of him self . Tell him to take a look in the mirror and ask him what God Allah is thinking of him right now.
Power to you sis, I pray you find your way stay strong it is a hard road however an amazing one that will free you from all bondage of the rubbish in the temporary world.
And may i leave you with this to quote to your husband.............(Educate a man, and you have a educated man. Educate a woman and you educate a Nation!!
Peace Azeem
Azeem, your comment is good overall but there's no need to call the husband an idiot. Please avoid such derogatory language in the future.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Azeem you shouldnt make derogatory remarks about someone you have never met. A few incidences of bad behaviour from this man doesnt make him curse-worthy. While he might never apologise, it doesnt mean that he has never felt bad about such behaviour. You dont know the inner thoughts of people so please refrain from making judgements. I'm sure the OP has seen a lot of good qualities in her husband since she not only agreed to marry him she has also started to study Islam because of him.
To the OP, your husband might be having difficulties on what to tell you about Islam because you are a christian. Maybe If you ask him specific questions he might help you.
By the way, anger is a an emotion that can sometimes make even the best of people into devils. My father also has huge anger issues and, like your husband, rarely says sorry for the things he said in anger unless he is reminded of them. Fortunately my mother forgives and forgets easily though :).
Maybe I've misunderstood something, but I can't really see what efforts you've actually made? You want to go out clubbing and drinking - you've not made an effort not to do those things, you've just obeyed your husband when he's been telling you to stop doing them. That's not called making an effort. Perhaps that's what's frustrating him? That you want to do these things and would do them if he didn't tell you not to?
On the other hand, no, your husband has no right talking to you disrespectfully and handle you with anger. You need to talk to him and let him know that you don't like it when he's angry and let him know how it affects you.
What kind of a particular effort can she make in regards to stopping her clubbing ? Simply not going. Why are you having a go at her for obeying her husband? In Islam, the wife is supposed to obey her husband, no? Also, the fact that she listens to him at all should be applauding seeing as he treats her horribly, and it may have escaped your attention but she's not a muslim yet so doesn't really need to stop doing anything or start doing anything new.
She's making an effort to learn about the religion and instead of her husband making things difficult for her, he could help her and appreciate the effort she's making.
Salamalikun Sis
A muslim man is patienct,he talk calmly,he holds his anger well,am sorry your husband is not a practising Muslim he his just a muslim ,he doesn't follow the teaching of the Quran.
My advice for you is too be prayerful
Seek for more knowlede from Imans
Don't fight with him
I pray Allah see you Through.
Assalamualaikum
I pray that you find the strength to overcome the challenges in your life. I have three friends who married american girls. Two of the american girls became muslims after marriage while the third was already a muslim. All these girls were young and in their early twenties when they married. The amazing thing about all the three is that because these girls have had such positive impact on their husbands. One is from Palestine, the other is from Pakistan and the third is an American born Arab.
Anyway, I have another friend from Egypt whose wife also an American but probably hasn't embraced Islam even after two kids. (I am just telling you this to give you encouragement that maybe its worthwhile to be more patient and ride out the storm with your husband).
I have several theories, and each might help in your case.
Men raised in a Islamic culture (Islam mixed with cultures of Islamic world) tend to be possessive and the jealous type. The wives from these countries tend to know how to handle their husbands. Your husband may be having a really hard time in giving you room to breath and letting you do the stuff which western girls are accustomed to. He may want you to dress modestly in public but doesn't want you to stop dressing up with lot of skin for him and doesn't know how to convey these things to you. He may actually not be smart enough to realize that he is the jealous type.
He may want you to know about Islam but also wants you to know about his culture. A lot of muslims these days confuse culture with Islam.
He may be under pressure because of reasons out of marriage, some husbands are just too ignorant and tend to oppress their wives to relieve that pressure.
My advice would be that you put up with him for a few more months, while in the meantime:
1) Does your husband go to mosque regularly? If yes then you may be able to inspire your husband to have a better attitude towards you.
2) If he doesn't go to the mosque then politely request him to take you the mosque (going to the mosque should help him be a better man) it may also give you the opportunity to talk to muslim wives.
3) Try to figure out if he is just a mean person or there is an underlying cause.
4) If possible get some knowledgeable muslim woman to teach you about Islam.
5) This is a conditioning technique used to train animals, and it sometimes works if the relationship is not too damaged. On the days when he is polite and nice then reward him in bed and on the days when he is unfairly mean then be available to him in bed but let him get the impression that you are upset through your body language.
You may want to listen to Shaikh Yasir Qadhi's lecture on "What women need to know about men", which is part of Like a garment series. Its on Youtube. (You may find some useful information that can help you improve the relationship with your husband).
JZK
Salaams,
Your basic question was whether or not the way your husband is acting toward you is the way a Muslim man/husband should act.
To answer that question, I will simply say this: the model and example for all of mankind, not just Muslim men and women, is Prophet Muhammad SAWS. If you want to get an idea of the type of person Muslims are supposed to be trying to be, read about Prophet Muhammad SAWS and get an idea of what type of person he was. There is no way to adequately capture his character in a few brief words, but generally he was most kind, never given to anger, always respectful, giving, sensitive, compassionate, and God-fearing above all. He treated those who wronged him with just as much dignity as those who loved him. So in your case, your actions should not determine how your husband responds to you. He should be reaching out to you in love and mercy no matter what you do. If he feels the things you do are too much of a threat to the health of your marriage, and you don't want to change your lifestyle, the kindest thing he would be able to do at that point is divorce you.
Since you are not a Muslim, you are not obligated to cover with a scarf or leave from eating pork yourself. As long as you are not trying to make him eat pork or drink alcohol, what you do is permissible under the religion you follow as far as what you consume.
However, being a former Christian myself, I know for a fact that getting drunk or going out to clubs is not something that is permissible for you. These are things you should not be doing because of your own belief, not because of your husband. As a Christian, you are to be someone who is "in the world but not of it", and that includes engaging in the activities that worldly people do (such as clubbing). Your husband I am sure will find it much easier to respect you if you are following your own faith with tenacity and humility, even if you are not following his.
That being said, I personally feel that Christianity will only take you so far. There is only so high you can rise in that belief. At some point you have to ask yourself, why practice any religion at all? Are you doing it out of habit or upbringing, or are you seriously trying to find a way to connect with God? If it's the latter, then Islam is really the only path that is going to make that connection manifest in a lasting way. If you are practicing religion -any religion- for any other reason than that, then you aren't going to find the full benefit of it anyway.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
HI JELLY,
I'M SORRY TO SAY THAT NOT EVERY MUSLIM WILL DO LIKE THIS, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE THERE IN EVERY CASTE,
I WOULD SUGGEST YOU TO STOP DOING ALL THE THINGS, AND RISE A QUESTIONS TO HIM, WELL HE IS NOT AT ALL ANGRY WITH TOWARDS YOUR EFFORTS FOR BEING ISLAM, THIS IS RELATED TO HIS BEHAVIOR, AND ALSO TELL HIM TO ATTEND SOME ISTIMA AND READ ISLAM AND DO ACT AS SPECIFIED IN ISLAM OR ELSE HE'LL DEFINITELY GOT PUNISHMENT IN AKHIRAAT, (THE JUDGEMENT DAY) EVEN TILL THE JUDGEMENT DAY HE WILL LOSS HIS RESPECT AND HONOR FROM YOU, YOUR FAMILY AND SOCIETY, EVEN FROM ME ALSO,
ASKING HIM TO STOP THE STUPID THINGS AND YOU CONCENTRATE ON BEING A GOOD AND IMAAN MUSLIM
MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND HAVE A GREAT LIFE AHEAD,
GOPI.
salam,
can you please stop writing in caps lock, it looks like you are yelling at people and it can be strenuous on the eye. thanks
Hi Muslim Girl,
On 13 May I have had received the same message from Mr. Wael saab that do not type in caps and not to include mobile numbers, and also i have given confirmation to them that i'll mind it in future, and i'm on my words,
After 13 May i haven't done any thing like that.....,
but i think you have not received the message from me, anyway i am again
Thanks and May Allah Bless you,
Gopi
Below is one of the sayings of the prophet Muhammed(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
It was narrated that ‘Aa’ishah {the wife of prophet Muhammed( peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) } said: the Messenger of Allaah Muhammed(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.”
(Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi, 3895).
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As you have been here
I would like to tell you about Islam
We Muslims worship Allah - the only one GOD who created you and me and all that exists.
The GOD of Adam, Noah , Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammed (peace be upon them) and all.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“O mankind! Worship your Lord (Allaah), Who has created you and those before you so that you may become al-muttaqoon (the pious).” [al-Baqarah 2:21]
why did Jesus(peace be upon him) the son of Mary (may Allah be pleased with her) came to this earth?
Jesus came to teach people about ALLAH. He came to teach people to worship none but ALLAH alone without associating any partners with HIM.
Allah says
“And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)”
{Quran 51:56}
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Allah alone deserves to be worshiped.
HE has no father, mother, brother, sister or son.
HE is not like us.
There is no one like HIM.
Allah says,
Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
"Allah-us-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks).
He neither begets nor is born,
"And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."
(Quran 112: 1-4)
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what is the purpose of this life? just study, earn, marry, children and die or there is more to it?
Do you know that this life is temporary?? and we will die and will be raised up again and there is going to be a day of judgement?
Please Research about Islam. See how it makes sense inshaAllah.
I want you to be saved from the hell fire and enter Heaven so I invite you to Islam.
Here are some links for you where you can learn more about Islam inshaAllah
-> quran . com
- > Invitation2Islaam . wordpress . com
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!