Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is dominating, possessive, and mentally tortures me

Lies, telling lies, lying


Assalamu walaikum,

I am 26 years old and married. I married my boyfriend two and a half years ago in court without my guardians' consent. Then after much struggle our nikaah was arranged only for my sake, being the only daughter. None was invited except family members.

Parents were very, very upset. None approved of my nikaah, and after the nikaah we fled to a different country.  Initially we were happy but just 2 weeks after, my husband started arguing with me regarding an "agreement".

The "agreement" was made by my father for my safety in case we seek divorce. The pact was made with my husband's consent and even my father assured him that the pact is of no use if we both will remain happily married. My father made that pact after finding out that my husband had lied to all of us regarding his qualifications (the truth is he is not even 10th pass, and I have a master's) and his family status.  Even I was lied to, but I forgave him as I did marry him thru the court 2 years before our nikaah.

Even before the nikaah, I caught a number of his accounts on the internet thru which he chats with other girls, sees nude pics...and lots of other things, but I tried to leave all those behind and start our conjugal life as I gave myself to him before nikaah. He never took me to his home, let his parents speak to me over the phone, and they have never seen me.

Now, 2 months after our nikaah, I had to return to my home as my dear younger brother died. I came alone, and neither my husband nor any of his family members visited me (the journey is 8-9 hours by bus from my place to my in-laws).

I AM HURT, he knows how much I love my dear brother. Now even I'm scared to go back to him thinking of my future, and my parents also do not want me to go back. I have asked him to come back to our own country (his also), even my parents will assist us financially, but he forbids. He has asked me to come back alone or else he will divorce me.

For my reputation's sake I asked him to come to take me, but he threatened me  that he will never visit my home, as he hates my parents.  I cant bear it.

What should I do?


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13 Responses »

  1. Asalaamowalaikum
    1. You both committed a mistake
    2. A guy will never like his in laws financial helping
    3. You people calmly sit and try to sort out the problem.

    Give him some time, i mean give time for the relation to grow, dont jump into a decision as you are bound to nikhah. If nothing works out then listen to what your parents say, not the one who comments in this site..
    Allah knows the best

  2. First of all seek Allahs forgivness and pray.

    I don't know how to advice you as you did found about his character before married you should have step back that time. Anyways sometimes we think after married will fix but it doesn't most of the time.

    I don't know what dose he do for living. As 10class pass don't know weather he is qualified for doing good jobs and run a family same time unless he is rich.

    He hates your parents, I can't imagine how a man says like this. He threatens you to divorce you if you don't go back doesn't make any reality seance. You situation is not a easy road if I were you I could have told his parents what he told me you should involve your in laws and your parents and your husband. Even if it doesn't work consult scholar and seek advice for this can you divorce or not.

    Lastly no one take decision based who comments here its a guidance from brothers and sisters who faced similar situation and share their thoughts, that's what this website for.

    • Thanks HOPE & NADIA
      I'm much hurt with his lies,unnecessary arguments, cheats...most of all I'm hurt when I saw "not a single person" from his family nor my husband himself at my younger brother's death ...till today no one has come to visit me atleast its going to be almost 4 months that I lost my dearest younger brother.....

  3. Honestly? Let him divorce you. It boggles my mind how you could have married him in the first place; by the sounds of it, he's an awful husband. Plus, marrying someone without your family's consent, and without his family even being involved, is a huge mistake.

    He would be doing you a favour to divorce you. Seriously, he would. Your reputation will not be better by remaining with a disrespectful, lying, cheating husband with nothing going for him - on the contrary, I think it'd be silly to remain with this man.

    That's just my opinion.

  4. Asalam alikum sister,
    He is not turning out so good to you. I am sad about that. May Aalah swt make this pain wash away from you. I would not suggest jumping to divorce so quickly... perhaps you have two paths of action you could take: 1. Stay with your family until he cools down however long that will be and ask him to please come to the aid of his wife, or 2. Talk to his family to make them come home to you. There is no reason he needs to hide away from everyone in different country. Only go back to him as a last resort sister, I don't want to see him try some crazy behavior towards you because you are both secluded.

    • Walaikum asalam
      I did both sister...1) since last 6 months I have been staying with my parents..2) Even I have asked several times to send his family members to my place atleast for a talk , my parents called my in-laws over phone several times but none responded till today..

      My husband is hearrtless, he lied me & married & now he has just abandoned me as I caught all his misconducts, his cheats..
      Even my in-laws whom I never met except on the day of nikah seems horrible for me now...
      May Allah help me....pls do dua for me dear parents are much worried...on the one hand ALLAH took away my brother for ever & at the same time ALLAH broke my married life but even then my faith on ALLAH has never decreased..
      I know ALLAH SWT will help me...ameen

      • Allah never ever will or do break married couple life, its us who make wrong decision and suffer later and blame on Allah that he wrote our destiny like that but if we look and think in practical way sometimes all the red flags out there that's the sign from Allah but still we ignore and follow Shaitans path because it matches our choice.....

  5. Assalamu Alaykum Sister,

    I am very much felt sad about your parents, your big mistake was you married that person after learning his character, and you hurted your parents,

    Parents will sacrifice there life for us and they think always good for us but, why girls hurt them very easily, I am a 20 years girl, slipped in life and then by the grace of ALLAH, again I came to the right path .
    Every thing happend in my life due to Duas and blessings of ALLAH. Now I am going to get marry the person whom my parents have selected, I am getting peace in this

    Through my experience my advice is one thing sister, Never cross ALLAH'S boundaries and If you have any confusion, submitt to ALLAH . He will find the better way for you . perform Istikhara in connect with ur issue, Have a great faith in ALLAH and be kind full to your parents

    May ALLAH help you and give you the guidance to follow right path and May ALLAH give happiness to you and your Parents and may ALLAH give jannatul Firdouse to your small brother. Ameen! Summa Ameen!


    • ...ameen

      Thank you a lot for ur dua for my dearest younger brother..

      Thank You so much dear sister Akhila...
      I will inshallah do istikhara..

  6. I am also in almost half of same situation as your.. im quite with patience. .i dint know what to do..ours is love marrige. .now i have husband doesnot love me..he has same habit chatting with other girls. .watching porn.. i made mistake loving him and choosing as life partner ..he spends lot of money on me and cares me.. but still i feel i made a mistake . I feel.sometym to give divorce..but til now my patience is not allowing me to give divorce. . i cry ..i am brokeen totally now ..

  7. Assalam u alaikum sister
    During the time of Sahabas, if they were facing any such problems they use to Do Istiqara i.e Seeking Suggestion directly from Allah. Hope this is the Best solution to do with. As we are Humans we may not correct always but Allah swt is Always Perfect.
    For Doing Istiqaara Refer this site :

  8. Walaikum aslaam . U knw wht he is enjoying life , he dnt care u. 1 of my frnd has a same problem bt its a arrng mrg ,she suffered a huge bloody torcher wid her husbnd , she managed 10yrs wid him nd nw she taken a dessision to get move frm him, she stoped her physical relationship lst 2yrs bck still he torcher

  9. Hi everyone,
    i am married since for 3 years.we had issues since our marriage just because of my husbands parents.My husband is also very controlling person.since our marriage whenever we had a fight he calls his parents.andthey blame me on everything.he controls all financial issues .his parents calls him everyday to know about our whereabouts and what i have cooked for him.recently we bought a house but my name is not on the papers ,infact his parents name is there.i was shocked to see i was blindly in love with him.He tortures me a lot .even don't bring something to eat and doesn't care about me.i am studying and don't work right now ,thats y i am helpless.even he gets upset whenever i call or visit my family.i am broken from inside.i feel very helpless.his parents also don't talk to me over phone as they r living in different country so they don't live with us. but still they need every information regarding us.
    he never praise me for anything i do to him. Everytime I Had to say sorry to him either its my mistake or not.after all this drama i was exhausted and went to my parents home.he didn't even call or cared.i am really upset .plz help

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