Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband beating me and neglecting me, what should I do?

muslim woman suffering face


Please Allah help me decide the right path, & allow others to direct me rightly.

I am 25, a married woman since two years now, & Pakistani. I live in the Middle East. My problem is that my husband is the eldest in his family & the only son with 4 sisters who all reside here.

My marriage was arranged and turned into love.  My family & inlaws also reside here. I had been a diabetic since the last 13 yrs, on insulin injections. I had told this to my husband before I got married & he had also told me that he was already married earlier & divorced. We both had no issues about it.

He had to confide this within himself, or else his family wouldn't agree to marriage. So he decided to live separate. We got settled a little far from his & mine family.

I had grown up in a modern family, where joint family system, family  values & traditions were kept to an extent. Moreover, my disease made me stubborn, short-tempered & impatient with time.

My inlaws & husband are very conservative & narrow-minded, not in terms of Islam, but in terms of family values.

Initially after marriage, we used to stay most of the times at my in-law's home, though I was more of a privacy concerned person. Every week we used to be with them for 3-4 days, my husband hardly made me visit my family. He didn't have any time for me. For any shopping etc. He used to ask me to take my inlaws with me & make them shop as well, though I used to live at my separate home during the weekdays. I felt this was so unfair.

His parents are young & active. Yet for everything they wanted me & not their own daughters (who are almost of my age). This started stirring anger in me & I started discussing it with my husband explaining that during a week we should distribute time for our tasks, to see both the families & to spend some time alone, as I barely knew him for 6 months. He started repelling against it.

The entire week he used to be out 15 hours for work, & I used to be alone at home. Or he used to simply leave me at his parents home. I was working at management level before I got married, but due to the fights he didn't let me work afterwards. Whenever I went to his parents place, they wanted me to serve them for everything. Though they had daughters, I was like a servant to them. Soon I started fighting with my husband for all this  & he started beating me. Two years of my marriage & he would have beaten me badly more than a 100 times. I used to bleed, had bruises all over, had joint & muscular pains for days. All this because I had asked him to give me some time & balance your time between your wife & your parents.

Then I involved both the families in it. The problem was his parents brainwashed him & he is just like a puppet to them, so he never listened to me or my family. This started making my sugar levels very high. I started using anti-depressants & couldn't conceive for a year. Many times during this, he tried beating me to death & I had called my family to come & take me away from his home.  Many times we spoke to his parents, but they were not the least bit bothered. Even he had told me that his previous nikah got over, but later I got to know that it was a proper marriage with rukhsati & the girl had stayed with him.

My family never sided with him. He used to verbally abuse them & me which I couldn't tolerate. I thought of having a baby which might make him more responsible & fair, but he said he just wants babies to keep his parents happy, & with a daughter-inlaw like you, I can trust whether you would want our baby to see their grandparents.

I had tried a lot to compromise with him, but he only cares about what his family wants, what is their happiness & whatever they say.

I am tired of all this, what should I do? My husband is no more than an animal & his parents are the ones who had asked him to divorce his last wife & now they want to get over with this relationship. But we both are habitual to each other, though he doesn't want to do anything for me, but what should I do? I am back home at my parents place,  and he has left the decision upon me now. Should I seek divorce for his abusive nature, violence, forcing his family upon me, not letting me meet my parents, not having a baby because his parents are not happy with me?

Please help. Jazakallah.

- need_help

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9 Responses »

  1. As-salamualaikum,
    I'm so glad you don't have children with this man. Having a child will not change such a man, infact you will be putting the child in a horrible place where he will be witnessing physical abuse of his mother and himself probably as well. This is mental and physical torture to the child.
    You are away from him, and you have support of your family. Leave the man who has even put your life in danger. He is capable of anything, and your life is more precious than having to live with such in-laws and husband.
    Ofcourse you have become used to each other as any two people who live together become used to each other. Try living with a criminal, there will be good times, there will be aspects of his personality that are charmng or good, you might become attached to him, but in the end a criminal is a criminal. An evil human being.
    Same with your husband, his behavior is evil. He is physically harming you, he is lying to you, he doesn't show any respect or regard for you, but you are asking if you should divorce him or not. Yes ofcourse you should divorce him.
    You can not say all his behavior is his parents' fault, he is choosing to treat you this way. I know how they are brainwashing him and how it affects your relationship, I know what you mean. But you must understand he is treating you badly. He is bad. If he was good and showed care for you and your feelings, he might consider that his parents behavior is harming your relationship. But he doesn't seem to care.
    There is such a thing as letting grandparents and relatives see your kids, but it is not the child's mother who is bad when she wants to keep the kids away from people who are abusive to her or her kids.

  2. Assalamoalaikom, My deepest feelings for you sister for all the brutality you have gone through.May Allah give you the patience and the courage to stand up for your rights.Islam does not allow a man to beat a woman and you have all the right to seek a tafriq or divorce from the shariah courts.On grounds of physical and verbal abuse you can seek separation without returning your mahr.Please do not listen to society or culture or any other social values which force women to be patienta and tolarant but allow man to use the stick.i sincerely advice you to seek divorce as Allah has laid this ruling only to save women from atrocities.Inshallah, You can live with relief,content and security and seek a better spouse as well as accomplish well as a Muslim in this world and in Akhirah if you are free from such a tyrannous marriage. Your eman,health and security and peace are all disturbed by this marriage so take the bold step and divorce so that you can live with peace and content in future.i hope and pray that you are rewarede for your patience and are successful in winning you rights...May you be successful in here and hereafter..

  3. Assalamu'alaikum,

    Bismilaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

    I am so sorry that you have had to endure this for the last two years. From what I have read, it appears that you and your family have tried everything that you could to get this man and his family to see that his actions and theirs for supporting him are absolutely wrong. You have tried to work things out but it has fallen on deaf ears.

    Sister, you have been mentally and physically abused. Your husband will continue to do this to you if you stay. As cowsgomoo stated, you have the support of your family and there are no children involved to prevent you from leaving.

    What I am suggesting is that you leave him as soon as possible. He will continue to hurt you because he doesn't think that he has done anything wrong. A real man would never do this to any woman. Ask yourself, is this the way of Prophet Muhammad? (PBUH). The answer is no! As Muslim men we are obligated to follow his lead. We can't pick and choose what part of his, (PBUH) Sunnah we want to adhere to. Our Prophet never did this to any of his wives. He was the best of husbands.

    Since your family knows what has happened to you and they support you then they will understand why you want to leave.

    Please ask Allah(swt) to help you through this ordeal. Ask him to give you the strength to leave this man as soon as possible. Ask him to make it easy on you and your family, Ameen.

    Once you have left him then please take time for yourself. Work on yourself to get your self esteem and confidence back. Also take the time to make sure that you maintain your health.

    Insha'Allah the advice given to you will help. Please don't hesitate to write back to us on this site if you have more questions.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

  4. if he beats you,you are allowed to divorce him islam does not teach us oppression,divorce! your young you can still find another man who will protect you and love you like how you deserve the end its your decision but i meant if it was me id correct him if he dont wana change id divorce what he wants to beat me then tomorrow have sex with me? i mean what the? no no such men need to b taught a lesson.

  5. Assalamu'alaikum,

    As a fellow sister, i would like to say that Islam does not teach us to be ignorant, and oppressive. It seems like your husband is dictating you, although it is in the nature of most men to act like the "man" of the house, sometimes they need to bring their eggo down off of the pedistal. You should be thankful that you did not have a child with this man, because the child will have a horrible life watching his/her mom being beat. The child, if a boy, will be just like his dad and if a girl she will accept a man to treat her the way her mom was treated. It is a ripple affect in life, it will never end. I think you should stay at your parents house and end your marriage. as hard as it may be for you, you dont have anything that should stop you. Dont let him fool you to stay than you get pregnant, things wont get better with a baby, it will just be harder.

    Good Luck!

  6. Thank you brothers & sisters. I will leave everything on my Istikhara & see what future holds for me. Jazakallah & may Allah guide us all through. Ameen.

    • When I was Reading your story I was thinking of my story too its it the Most the same I thought like You if i would have a Child thinks Will change but It didnt change anything It got worries at the end I left him and took my Child today my daughter she Is 14 years no love for the father or his family no support no nothing. My sister Wake away dont look back alhamdulillah today I am married I have all the happeness That I need in my life inshallah Allah Will give You all the happeness in your life and Will reward You Will the second mariage but dont make a foolish mistake to Be with him no way sorry to Say This He Is not a man of his own responsable and Will Never Be So I wish You all the best and my dua's are with You Ameen Yarab.

  7. Do istikhara and take decision which is allowed and acceptable and will provide you a rightous future .May Allah guide you,give you patience and courage and forgive you and make u successful herer and here after..

  8. Dear sister,I will pray for you ...all things will go well by the Lord Almighty.with tears in eyes...God bless you

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