Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband blames me for mother’s passing

Muslim woman

AoA. This is a long story. I'll try to keep it as short as I can but I don't wish to miss out anything otherwise the end result may not be of as much help.

I met my husband online a couple years ago. He lived in Pakistan, I was Pakistani raised in America.  We hit it off. I disclosed my past to him (that I wasn't as practicing in my younger years) and also made clear to him that my family was of the more 'liberal' minded type.  I told him that it was when i hit 30 years of age that a change occured within me, and thru some very influential and good natured friends I found myself almost 'returning' to Islam and rediscovering it in a way I never had before which made me want to develop my relationship for real with Allah but did make it clear to him that I also was comfortable with my western culture (i.e. watching movies, reading books, travelling, working).  We met in December and by the 3rd week were talking marriage between families (my parents spoke to his sister and mother via Skype).  His mom and dad were quite elderly in comparison to my parents so most of the legwork for the wedding details fell on his shoulders.  He had 6 brothers but none of them were keen on him marrying outside of the family, much less the country so he wanted to keep things more quiet around them.  Once I arrived in Pakistan, things happened quickly. We had our nikkah and a day later I discovered some uinsettling info while using his phone, it seemed he had more female contacts than he'd let on initially and I (yes, dishonestly) saw some messages which clearly indicated he'd kept up those contacts almost up until the day of our Nikkah. I was not happy, I suddenly lost all trust in him and confronted him, he cried and cried and begged me to believe that he was not that type but the reason he kep those contacts was allegedly because he wasn't sure if once we arrived in Pakistan if my family would still be interested in the marriage and because it had happened before he didn't want to burn all bridges until we said yes for sure.  He said he was just interested in finding a wife and out of everyone he talked to I was the most 'decent' one in that I didn't make any sort of inappropriate advances/comments. Perhaps I was naive but I believed him. I didn't know well enough to know what problems would arise from that experience. I totally had lost all trust but realized that AFTER my parents and I left Pakistan.  My husband and I agreed prior to marriage that he would move to Canada as I made clear that I was not going to live in Pakistan, I would visit as often as needed but I did not wish to live there permanently. This was agreed upon.

During the time after our marriage, I stayed in Pakistan an extra 6 weeks with him. We went thru the usual growing pains of my having to live with in laws. Some things of note: on the day of our barat (traditional wedding event when the 'bride goes home with the groom and his family') his Mom, sister and all other females from his side did not show up. My family was really angry and concerned but kept their cool - my elder uncle did address it with my husband and his brothers and they explained that his mom was unwell and could not make the 4 hour roadtrip and nor could his sister.  As it was time for the ceremony my uncles accepted the reasons after speaking to his mom on the phone.  Once we were officially free to leave as husband and wife, he honored a request of mine to have a short 'honeymoon' - primarily because I knew our time together would be limited and because it was my first time in Pakistan and I thought it would be memorable to go somewhere nice together on this particularly special occasion of marriage.  The same day we left, we got calls from the brothers who did not attend our wedding (barat) harassing him saying "Your mother is laying here dying and you're busy acting out your honeymoon".  I had a bad feeling about this behaviour but seeing him stressed out I tried to be comforting rather than upset myself.  The day passed under much stress as they called him several times, finally his mother rang him and said to him "so you found yourself a wife and forgot your mother" (a) I wish he'd never shared this with me (b) we had literally been gone less than 48 hours at this point.  I tried to talk to her to ask her if we should come back that night, regardless that the trip would have been approx. 7 hours driving as we had gone to a honeymoon destination.  Obviously she said no but I left the decision to him.  In honesty, at this point I did express to him my disappointment at what was unfolding and asked him why he agreed to go as he clearly was unable to enjoy himself and in turn their constant calls kept me also from enjoying the moments. After the 3rd day, the calls reached a peak and he and I ended up in an argument.  We left the destination to head back and his car broke down on the highway.  Another argument as he was stressed to reach his mom.  It really hurt out time together and I started feeling more anxious but wanted to support him.  Once we came back to his home, his mom had us sleep with the bedroom door open so she could use our bathroom because it was hot in Lahore so she moved from the upper floor, down to our sitting area directly outside of our room and ours was the only washroom.  Throughout that short time she told me that her other daughter in law thought my colour was not as 'fair' as her sons nor how I looked in my photos, she also pinned many other comments against me on that daughter in law, such as I looked older than her son, I looked like a girl from Pakistan while her son looked like an 'Amreecan'. All of these things were hurtful and when I went back to our bedroom I'd felt like crying because I'd never seen anyone speak/behave that way towards someone who should be family and a new family member at that! My husband asked what happened and I told him and instead he got angry at me and said I'm making issues and I should not speak to his mom/sis?? How is that possible when they live in the same house? And beyond that - it was a ridiculous response because it's HIS mom/sis! How can I not speak to them????? Again we argued because I felt he was being insensitive to the fact that the words hurt me, regardless who said it, somebody was thinking that way towards me and I came there with a very open heart/mind wanting to be part of the family.  So far my experiences made me feel really alone/alienated. I was not accustomed to the Pakistani culture and they all knew this. On one hand his mom/sis would almost brag that I was such an accommodating sister/daughter-in-law, that I was so simple in my ways and didn't speak much nor unnecessarily, and that I made no demands whatsoever but on the other they'd say hurtful things around me, it seemed, almost that maybe they were testing me to see if i'd react another way? Either way I kept a very respectful relationship with both his Mom & sister.  I never replied to such remarks and just would say that I did not want to engage in backtalk for fear of Allah.  A few times I caught his Mom trying to listen to our conversations as our door would be shut and I'd open it to find her pressed up against the door, out of embarrassment she'd say oh I was looking for something (? ON A DOOR???) I never said a word because she was my husband's mom, that was simple enough for me plus she was elderly! What could I possibly say that would make a postiive impact?! Nothing! I knew it was best to keep my mouth shut or at best TACTFULLY tell my husband why I was engaging less personally with them because that was also an issue that I didn't talk very much and 'wasn't a very lively, talkative personality'. But that wasn't the end of it, add to  this that the gold given to me at marriage was asked to be  returned because his mom/sis said they bought it off another brother's wife and now she wanted it back. His Mom/sis also asked me not to tell my husband  - which i absolutely did tell him as returned from getting a haircut.  He was angry that they told me because while he was aware he felt embarassed and asked them not to disturb things. They did anyways hoping I would not tell him and that caused a huge row because I felt duped and wanted to call my dad but they told me not to. So I decided not to call my parents because my husband surprisingly did speak up and actually supported me despite it being his mom. I know it left a bad impression on his mom and sis but I'd put up with enough in that 6 short weeks. Upon leaving I was still sad to leave my husband, he was really sad too.  We were able to spend our last 3 days in Islamabad away from his family (with my cousins) and though it was crowded there too, we had our privacy and we talked a lot about the future finally. I am well aware that I was wrong to tell my husband anything relating to his very own Mom/sister - I was really stupid and naive and thought as long as I was honest and fair hearted it would all be okay. I now know that it was incredibly dumb to do that when I should have practiced far more sabr for the simple fact that it was his mom, regardless of what was said to me! I wish I had not bothered him so much about any incident. After a few months back in America, I wanted to go back but his mom fell ill and he was having troubles with his brothers, he worried that me being there at that time would cause his brothers to pin all blame on me should his mom's condition become worse, so i obeyed and stayed away.

Finally 7 months later I wanted to visit and just as I was going to book my ticket, that week my Mom fell ill and was diagnosed with a third stage cancer. I had no choice but to stay again and my husband, fearing the worst for my mom, said it was ok and a blessing from Allah that I would be serving my Mom. Months went by this way and my mom's condition worsened, she had surgery after surgery and eventually alhamdulillah the cancer started to decrease.  During these months I noticed some contact on my husband's email/social media from those same women and I became insecure. A confrontation with him led to many arguments via phone/whatsapp. During this time his mom also was in the hospital again due to poor health. I know he was stressed out too, but we both were and me seeing the messages from these women made my blood boil but also hurt me a lot and old insecurities came back. He blocked me on all social media, and whatsapp and was very angry that "i was still focused on nonsense".  Eventually he just said not to call him/message him until I was ready to put him first because he said he had no control over who messaged him, what mattered was he never responded.  Fair enough. I talked to my parents and they told me to go to Pakistan and that they would manage my mom's treatment/condition. It was so hard to leave my Mom that way, she had another major surgery coming up and I knew I would not be there to look after her and my siblings were pretty useless to her as well as they really don't feel the responsibility for our parents as they are just weird like that.

I arrived in Pakistan just days before our 1 year anniversary to a very happy husband and shortly thereafter discovered I was pregnant. it was again in the mid of summer and my condition seemed to be quite bad, I couldn't figure it out then but upon myi return to America disocvered I'd had a deficient thyroid and it was the real cause of my feeling so sick in Pakistan. that second trip in Pakistan sadly was much like the first, when he and I were alone, we were happy, when the family came in he got pulled around a lot and made to feel guilty for not spending 100% of time on his Mom.  Some nights I'd wake up alone and find him sleeping in his Mom's bed. I understood she wasn't well but it was not fair to me either - I also left my Mom behind and I was just asking him to sleep in the same room not to leave her or anything like that! His mom disliked my request, his sister who lived there absolved herself of responsibilities until I tried to explain to her that the house was 3 levels, the top floor had roof top access too and with the electricity turning on & off every hour I would be nervous to be at the top alone + the early days of pregnancy I had severe sickness.

I ended up having to return to America, (1) my mom was not well post surgery and NONE of my siblings came to be with her as my dad had to keep working to pay the bills (2) I was so sick and the heat was unbearable, and my husband really had a hard time looking after his Mom and juggling his husbandly duties, some days I would not have food to eat (they lived very simply and his mom and sister would not share food some days so I'd be starving! waiting for my husband to wake up after a long night of sitting at his mom's bedside before I could eat). I sound terrible but anyone who's been pregnant knows that sometimes you get so hungry and there was literally no food at the home and I was not allowed to walk to the store by myself nor could I drive in Pakistan. I decided it was best to return to America where I could be independent, get good medical care and also help my Mom and also let my husband focus on his Mom without feeling torn because she also disliked that in my pregnancy he was doing his best to dote on me in the simple ways.  If he took me to eat, or he let me take rest or went to the shop to buy me 7up due to morning sickness she'd pass comments that her son was becoming less of a man. In those days she also told me (when he wasn't around) that if she wanted any one of her sons would leave their wives instantly, that if any of her daughter in laws even dared to speak up to her her sons would slap them and nobody would ever disprespect her for a wife.  I honestly think she thought I was up to something because I was raised abroad but she didn't realize how sincere I was in wanting the family to like me from the very first day. Don't get me wrong some days she'd be totally nice and normal. But then it would swithc off again. She also told me that her son would never leave her to come to America even if his sponsorship was complete, that no matter if we had a baby or not, her son was not going to leave her for anyone.  Those comments hurt and angered me because I could not understand why she felt that way toward me. I resented those comments and decided to go home before it again affected not only our marriage but mine and the baby's health. This time I did not want to complain to my husband and I did not want to spend my pregnancy under stress, my husband and I knew his sponsorship would be complete within 3 months or so and decided together that I would help my mom as he helped his.

I have just listed many examples of what I tried to endure in Pakistan for sake of my husband. I will make the last part of this as short & succinct as possible:

My hsuband arrived in America in 2015 September. As soon as he arrived he started sizing up how my family lived etc. He spoke quite rudely to my Mom on the second day he was here. I was upset and asked him why he did that and to that he responded by screaming at my parents instead of at me because he immediately assumed my parents put me up to it? but they had no idea what had happened, so they tried to calm him and asked what happened. He told my mom off and said she better stay out of our marriage and told my dad to control the women in the family. HE WAS TOTALLY SOMEONE ELSE I DID NOT RECOGNIZE. The last 3 months of my pregnancy I supported him financially, I tried soooooo hard to appease him but he would get angry every 2nd or third day and just run away from the home or jump out of the car as we'd be stopped at a traffic light. At times I would feel compelled to follow him on foot as he walked at least an hour away from our home and would yell at me and berate me in the process and tell me he was not coming back, and even said if I were your father I would have married 3 or 4 wives to teach your disgusting mother a lesson. He said my mom was disgusting because being 8 months pregnant she would not let me do much in the way of housework & cooking. He felt that I was being lazy and also said this to my parents that "there's nothing wrong with her, shes not a baby, shes just lazy". He felt that my mom was doing the cooking/cleaning so she could control him (?!) his logic was she wants to cook and clean so that she can hold it over his head as well. Actually, to my moms credit/discredit she raised us that way, never had us do much housework, cooking but rather focused on our studies 110%. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't because he was here but rather she just was a very doting mother since we were little and especially now that I was pregnant. He fully rejected my explanation as excuses in support of my 'disgusting mother' as he referred to her. My mom does hold some blame in that once jokingly she responded to his request to her to not cook by saying son, if I don't cook who will? you?...... He took that very seriously and placed his plate back on the table and walked straight out.  When he finally came back late that night, my mom asked him if he was upset by anything she'd said and he completely ignored her and walked off to our room.  After that he stopped saying Salam to both of my parents and even once mocked my mother's illness by saying to me sarcastically 'oh yes I know your poor poor Mother is just oh so sick,she's such a patient isn't she?" It was hell then and it is hell reliving it by typing it out.

During this time I helped him with his resume (he holds a Masters in Process Engineering) and got him linked to local agencies to help him find work, I advised him to apply everywhere just to get his foot in the door (also because I hoped a job would help him feel more stable and less angry at me).  Due to his lacking English skills, a job in his profession did not come right away, rather he was offered a job at a retail shop which he took without telling me and went as far as to hide the details and his whereabouts during his shifts for weeks. One day in sheer anger he text me to say that 'He, the son of so & so, was on a roadside doing labour work and his poor parents would drop dead if they ever found out what their son was doing to earn a living'........ I found msyelf apologizing to him and accepting that it was all my fault he was doing 'roadside labour work'.  It was later when I had to pick him up from a late shift that I discovered he was working retail at a department store.  He told me off many times and told his family not to speak with me either and they didn't (we only spoke occasionally via phone just so I could update them on where their beloved 'munna' (baby) was).  In all of this time, I tried super hard to appease him but i was incredibly miserable and under severe amount of stress.  There were threats of leaving me, of telling my parents off again and kicking them out of our lives.

I was under tremendous stress and pressure and to make matters worse my Mom's health suddenly took a severe turn for the worst. She was hospitalized in December of 2015 and her oncologist warned us that she might not survive the month. I don't care what anyone says, for my mom, in that condition I would have moved heaven and earth to be there for her but all I could do was sit at her bedside and pray. My siblings stayed mostly busy but they came and went as much as they could, being that I lived with my parents I was there with her everyday at some point or another, despite her pleading with me to go home and look after myself, the baby and my husband I could not bear to leave her knowing what the doctor had said.  So i did double duties, mornings at home, afternoons at the hospital or vice versa. For a while my husband calmed down because there was nobody at home with us as my Dad would spend nights at the hospital with my Mom. Soon after I had to drive him to his job interviews and one day during an important procedure for my Mom he had to take a public transport bus/train to reach his interview and he was super pissed off at me.But Alhamdullilah that day he got a job and it took some edge off. Until he came to the hospital to see my Mom (Which btw he came with us the first day she was admitted but didn't come again for 3 weeks despite how sick she'd become) and as she was hooked up to all kinds of machines and literally starving to death he started debating with my Mom and again wagged his finger at her saying 'Islamically now that your daughter is married, you have NO HAQQ over her anymore, you cannot even come to your married daughter's home anymore". I was floored that he could be that evil. He yelled at my Mom and told her many stupid things. I still stayed quiet as in that moment I went into severe stress and shock and my Mom just told him that he'd reached his limit with her and she didn't want to see him nor speak to him until he learned respect for elders. After that a lovely nurse came in and asked my hsuband to go, she'd seen his behaviour and felt bad for me at almost 9 months pregnant!  On this day, when I left the hospital my Mom called me and was very upset and hurt and said she understood my position but that she just could not deal with his nonsense anymore as she'd also been watching how he treated me as well.

On that night i decided to move into my sister's empty house with my husband just to avoid more drama. I told my husband it was for my sanity and he very reluctantly agreed! Once there his antics didn't stop. And when I finally went into labour he was there but angry then too. As our son was born he didn't so much as even ring my parents to let them know I was ok (my mom couldn't come to the hospital on that day as she'd just come home from the hospital herself - which was another miracle in itself!!! The morning after my delivery (and it was a long 13 hour labour + difficult birth + all kinds of medications, he again was incredibly rude to my mom and dad. a day after my son was born we were released from hospital but he'd spent most of the time on the phone with his mom / sis anyways. We went home and there we got into an argument as he wanted me to follow his mom/sister's way with regard to care for the baby.  For me, I'd been long overdue to speak to him about his behaviour and after birth I did not hold back.

When he threatened to 'slam anyone who gets in his way" I dont know what happened but I just almost like blacked out and snapped. I very wrongly told him to get out and get the hell away frome me and and i told him how much he'd tortured me during pregnancy and that I could not bear his behaviour a moment longer. I KNOW it was wrong of me to tell him to get out but he really added much insult to much injury on a day that I just wanted to hold my baby and cherish. ALSO the major thing here is I ABSOLUTELY did not want him to actually leave. I was in no state to even form a coherent thought after birth let alone to know whwat I was saying in that moment. As I calmed down I asked him to please leave my room so I could change my bandages and get rest. Around 12am our doorbell rang and it was the police. I was so confused until I realized he'd left the home and called the police but we still dont know why?! Police looked for him but he totally hid. My friends came,my father but nobody could find him. I called/text/emailed him and begged and pleasded with him for days and weeks and months to please come home and he ignored my attempts for months. I did everything a woman can to find him and beg for his mercy and forgiveness. He had no kind words for me and hardly a response.  From January to May he remained hidden to us.  In May after involvement from our local imam he gave us a chance.

In July his mom passed away, I tried desperately to be there for him but instead he told me to get lost and said it was all my fault, I was to blame for her passing and he would never forgive me nor would he compromise for me or our son.  He said many cruel things about my own mom, but i understood he was in his worst moments and i only listened and apologized.  my parents tried desperately again to find him but when they did he said they were nothing to him, he  said he had no respect for either and he would call the police if they dared to call him again.  after that we could only ask our imam to please keep an eye on him and please let us know how he is. It would be 9 months total before we lived together again. Now it's been 4 weeks since we got back together and he's started throwing ultimatums at me that he's booked a one way ticket and he might leave us because I am still looking after my SICK mother. Cancer is no small thing. I go there when he's at work. I rush home to be here before him. I am in the home all weekend as he ignores me fully and interacts with our son sparingly. He thinks he's punishing me by doing that. Ultimately he says he would sacrifice his akhirah before forgiving his own brother for a wrong he committed year's ago so he does not care at all to forgive or forget anything now. He said i was not victimized in any way but I am the culprit. He said his mom taught him never to forgive and so he wont. I asked him to please forgive for Allahs sake and he said no. He truly believes that he has been righteous and i am a sinner.

He says i must follow him in every step/condition....or else.  Yet when i do he says I havent asked you for anything so dont dare speak at all. I am acting simply for Allah's sake now but i am miserable.  my every effort is denied and rejected and insulted. afterwards he says it is my own fault.   i have practiced sabr and still am. But im feeling severely oppressed. I worry my son will turn out as him and the men in his family. Suing their parents in court, threatening to kill each other, treating the women like servants and denying their rights. I had hoped that with patience and accepting all he sayss AT LEAST he'd acknowledge how hard im trying. even if he wont forgive me.

I am very near to walking away. He asked me to move to Pakistan to prove that I am a fair person.  I understand his point. BUT I do NOT trust his family, especially his elder brothers.  They have been cruel and unkind and made very disturbing remarks in the past telling me I MUST move to Pakistan and leave my husband in America, they said my son belongs to them too and I should allow them to bring him up and "I could just lounge around and enjoy the time while they take over raising my son". I am not okay with that. I do not believe that this is what Allah meant by following one's husband above all. I would happily move to another city or country but I will not go where his family are, I have tried to suggest that he sponsor his father and sister (who he is most concerned about anyway) and have tried to get him the information to get it done, because before his mom passed this is what he wanted to do. I can't risk losing my son in Pakistan, I do not know the laws there but I have seen first hand this very thing happen with other women in our community.  Some have not seen their children in decades. All of this being said, I wish we could move forward together but I think we cannot.


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7 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Allah says, men are the protectors and maintainers of women. Allah has created mates for us so we may feel tranquility and contentment with one other, and placed love and care in our hearts. He must be moral, faithful and righteous. Do you recognize these traits in your husband?

    It's probably time that you acknowledge you may have married the wrong man. How much is enough for you? All the best.

  2. This entire family looks psychopath to me .I don't understand why girls born n brought up in western countries agree to marry boys from countries like Pakistan .i suggest you don't go back to that country .if you feels that it has crossed all limits then take divorce .

  3. From your story, you seems a strong women, take charge of your life. You and your son deserve a better life.
    Regarding your husband, once a emotional blackmailer, always a emotional blackmailer. He will find other excuses to burn you. And as guy I have zero sympathy with any men who walk away from his duly delivered baby and mother of his baby for any sane or insane reason.

  4. Salam,

    I read your entire post and if you are still around and would like a detailed response I can write one up for you. The point here is that you need to get a divorce right now. You are in an abusive relationship and every day that you are in it he is changing what you think is right and wrong to the point that you think you are the culprit even though he is.

    To help you see better please try this. For every situation where he did wrong and where you did wrong, swap your position with his. So ask yourself, how did you respond when he told your mother on her sick bed that she has no rights to you? Now consider what his response would be if you told his mother that she has no rights to him while she is dying? What would his response be if you told him that his father should've married four women to put his mother in her place? How easily do you think he would accept you if you disappeared for 5 months and required him to take care of your son?

    What he does is he takes a small thing you did, makes it huge and then justifies his much worse response and then blames you for it. Then you judge what you did by his response and you think you've committed a major sin. In Islam you have rights as well. He cannot abandon you with child over one issue. He cannot prevent you from seeing your parents or them seeing you without good reason. Your rights are similar to his except he has a degree over you:

    Divorced women remain in waiting for three periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have more right to take them back in this [period] if they want reconciliation. And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.

    Please divorce this man now, his mental state is not stable. He does not fear hell and justifies his wrong doings to himself. You and your child will only become mentally unstable by staying with him. And as for moving to Pakistan, no husband would ask his wife to separate from him with a young child to a worse country for no reason. Sure, if that husband wants a second wife and wants to take away his child from his wife he would ask his wife to move to Pakistan. Even the reasoning they provide, you will lounge while his brothers will raise your son, just says that the plan is to take your son from you. And they have no sense, they don't love your son, the brother's won't raise him they will force their wives instead. And your child will grow up mentally disturbed just like him and his brothers. Divorce now, don't look back, have patience with being divorced, not patience with being married to him. He is not a good Islamic leader for you to follow him in marriage.

  5. All of the posters have given you sound advice and I agree with them all. You must separate. He has messed up your mind and confused you to the extent that you have become unsure of your right and wrong. I just want to say that Islam though does seem like a strict religion on the outside however it is a logical religion. It is not against traveling or reading or working. What your inlaws are feeding you
    as religion is in fact culture and specifically crazy culture followed by your inlaws. Normal Pakistanis do not behave like that with their daughter-in-laws neither threatening them of divorce nor of taking their children away or disrespecting sick parents. You have put up with too much and it is better for you to leave your husband before you lose your sanity or leave indelible marks on your impressionable child’s psyche.

  6. Salam,

    Did you situation get resolved?

    • Walaikum salam,

      I am so deeply grateful for every response. In honesty, I was really scared as to how I would be perceived. Your advice and everyone's advice is overwhelming! My situation is not resolved. I wrote this post back in August of 2016 and since then have discovered that I am pregnant with my second child. I have for fear of Allah, disclosed this to him already but sadly it's not softened his heart at all. He has only increased in his hurtful ways. Things are as bad as ever - he is still abusive, I have discovered some secrets he's kept hidden (secret bank accounts, his savings) he's shown me zero support or concern and is trying to treat me like a yes sir/no sir slave in that now when I speak up about my opinions on matters he does his best to play victim and minimize my thoughts/feelings. He's told me to my face that if he could leave his mother to come to USA then he can leave anyone including his me and his son. So that says a lot more about his character. He claims that I as a 'mum'in' should not have feelings - I am seeing him truly for the person he is now, especially after receiving support via everyone's advice. I have really become someone else in this time of being married to him, I never doubted myself, I always trusted on my good intentions but seriously this guy did my head in to the point where I believed I was the one and only wrong doer and all of this was solely my fault. I have confided in my parents, despite that my mom is still fighitng cancer and yet again undergoing chemotherapy for a 4th time, they have been incredibly supportive and YET STILL never encouraged me to leave him until now, now that I am pregnant again and I recently suffered an anxiety attack, I have realized how toxic all of this has been. I have quietly made arrangements to move out in the coming days and am mostly staying with my parents, he has been deeply involved in his islamic activities as he believes he is incredibly pious, so he hasn't noticed much as I've come up with deliberate excuses for my absence with the help of my family. In sha Allah, I hope that the courts will grant me full custody of my children and supervised visitation for him as he is not to be trusted. I have also found in his bag of pamphlets (while I was cleaning up a month ago) a document on child custody, on filing an abuse case against a parent (i.e. obviously against me) to gain full custody because I think he knows full I& well that by abandoning us for almost 9 months his chance for custody is much weaker. I realized that this might be one reason why he even agreed to live together and try to 'reconcile' again - so that he can gain some leverage if I tried to legally take custody of my son. I can't thank you enough for your response. It really gave me the courage I needed as some moments are tougher than others. JazakAllahu Khairan may Allah almighty bless you and your loved ones with the best of His blessings, may he shower you all with His blessings, I truly lost hope in myself as a Muslimah for all that was and is happening and you've given me hope that I am not as lost as I was made to feel. May Allah bless you! Please remember me and me children in your duas! You will always be in mine in sha Allah! Thank you!!!!!!!!!

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