My husband is applying to bring his other wife 2 America and I don’t want to be with him anymore
I have been married to my husband for 10yrs. We have 2 childeren and 1 on the way.
He married another woman in his country 8yrs ago and has 2 childeren with her he goes back every three yrs as we don't have the money for him to go every year and when he goes he stays 6 months and leaves me to care for myself and children.
He has treated me very bad over his other wife, he has told me so much about her including their sex life and I just can't get the things he said about her out of my head. I know he loves her more than me. He tells me she is a better mother, wife and I guess a lover in bed I mean.
I have put up with so much with him I hate him, I don't want to be around him anymore I don't want to be married to him anymore he knows this and he tells me he doesn't care!
Now he is applying to bring his wife and childeren here and wants me to deal with it and that I just can't do. He smiles about her all the time like she is just something so big in his life and i'm nothing!! They are always texting each other and calling each other.
He is trying to keep me happy these days just so I can accept that she is coming her but I don't care how much he tries to make me happy, I just want out of his life. I know he only loves me because I help him with his work. Other than that she has the key to his heart. I'm here asking what should I do?
- sashley356
22 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Dear sister,
The worst thing I see that your husband has done is to tell you about his intimate life with his second wife. That should never happen. What happens between a husband and wife in the bedroom is a private matter and should never be disclosed to anyone. And he should never compare the two of you by saying that she is a better wife or mother, or whatever. Of course that's enough to destroy anyone's self esteem. You need to have a frank talk with your husband tell him clearly that you never want to hear such statements again, and that if he continues to say such things you will consider leaving him.
Aside from that, it seems to me that you've had the better end of the stick. You say that he has treated the other wife better than you, but he only sees her for 6 months every three years! While he's with you the rest of the time... If anyone has suffered, it must be her!
A wife deserves to be with her husband. It's appropriate for him to bring his other wife closer where he can see her more often and give her her due.
You say that you hate your husband in spite of the fact that he's trying to make you happy. You hate him, and you don't want to be with him. So divorce him. That's your right. No one is forcing you to stay in a situation where you don't want to be.
However, if you are unwilling to divorce him, then you will have to learn to deal with your feelings of jealousy and resentment toward your husband and the second wife.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My husband isn't fair to either 1 of us, All he cares is about his self and No she doesn't wait on him like she is the better wife here!! He and her doesn't really get alone for what he has told me that all she does is naggs when he is with her telling him 2 divorce me because when he married her she didn't know he had a wife.... You people took my story the wrong way and 2nd of all my husband is nothing to be jealousy of I could understand if he was a king but he is nothing and does nothing 4 me or my children. I have been trying 2 get out of my marriage with him for yrs now and since he don't want 2 end it I am. You people don't understand what kind of monster he his!!! As I stated b4 he only wants 2 stay married 2 me so I can help him support her and his other kids w/her and NOOOOO im not going 2 be used like that anymore!! I have been taking care of myself and my children since I was 17 with out his help. Also he might only see her every 3 yrs but look at it this way even if he wasnt married 2 me he still wouldn't see her until every 3 yrs. We do not sleep in the same bed and have been sleeping apart for about 3 yrs now and really don't see each other anymore I told him 2 tell his other wife that she can have him because he is garbage in my book!!
Also is other wife seems really nice, she has nothing 2 do with the way I feel about him. He made her a problem 2 me and I will never forgive him 4 it.
Also Wael, I said he is only trying 2 make me happy these days just so I can accept him bringing her here. Prophet Mohammed had 4 wives and gave them each there own home, My husband want's me 2 live in the same small house with her, that is not right 2 me if he want's 2 bring her here fine it has nothing 2 do with me but as a wife I have the right 2 say I don't want 2 live in the same house. I also said I hate him 4 how he has treated me over the past 8yrs. My life has been nothing but hell since he got married 2 her
I don't need to be in a marriage when im not loved. He is a very evil man. I will pray to Allah for guidence he is the only 1 who can help me.
Sister,
u seem to harbour so much hatred n bitterness for ur husband that am scared for your mental state. It is so unhealthy to be having such emotions.
Just as brother Wael said, u don't av to stay in a marriage u do not want. Nobody deserves that. I know its easier said than done but u have to weigh ur options carefully n decide if getting out of it is better for u.
May Allah guide u n us all.
1.Sister don't dwell on it get out of the marriage now don't allow this to destroy your deen.
2. Wael the sister did not say that she was jealous of the second wife she said that she hates her husband
sashley356, I agree that it's not your responsibility to support your husband's other wife or children from her. That should not happen and you should refuse to do that.
If you really feel that is a monster, garbage, etc as you have said, then obviously you should divorce him, especially since you can support yourself financially.
It sounds like you already had your mind made up before you wrote to us.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wael your so inconsiderate the sister is pregnant plus she has two younger kids how can she just leave her husband when she's most vulnerable during this period. Honestly could you handle raising two kids if you were pregnant? NO obviously not.
BTW who the heck made you the editor.
Whitelaptop,
How disrespectful of you. After Allah(swt), it is Brother Wael who has set up and runs this website. I cannot see anywhere where Br Wael has been rude to you or this sister in his comment, so your comment ("BTW who the heck made you the editor") was totally unreasonable and uncalled for.
It would do you good to apologise.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum,
Did whitelaptop contradict their self by calling others inconsiderate to suggest divorce, when they agreed that the sister should get a divorce?
I posted that before i realised she was pregnant anyway apologises brother i shouldn't have sounded so harsh on my last post.
Lol, to answer your question whitelaptop I made myself the editor when I created this website years ago. However, I do not think that I have all the answers, or that I'm a scholar, or that I'm smarter than anyone else. I do my best to offer advice from my heart, keeping in mind the teachings of Islam. That's all I can do.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister,
Assalaam o Allaikum. Whilst I agree with some of Wael's response, I disagree as well.
Your husband is not treating both of you equally and if he mistreats you
by sharing intimate details with his other wife, he's committed a grave sin.
You are a strong lady and are strong enough to decide if staying in this marriage
will help you or make things that much worse. From the above info, I do not see
your husband as a fair and caring man but one who is manipulative.
I pray to Allah swt to give you the strength and courage to make the
right decision for you.
With best wishes,
Aisha
and this is why i will never ever be a second wife or another woman just to a man regardless and i dont agree men should marry 4 times isn't one enough. Your husband made a mistake telling you private affairs but maybe thats where the jealousy began and now the fact hes bringing his other wife over just indicates to me that he never treated you both equally and that right you deserve talk and maybe you get your answers from him
Asalamualaikum sister,
I can understand your situation and feeling. It's not that I am in same situation but I am his second wife but he had divorce. Still I face with some problem he compares me with his x-wife. It hurst so much I know and that pain you can't share it with anyone. And for you it's more more painful because you are facing in reality. I have no words to say, do and think what will be good for you and your children I know how it feels when husband talk about his other wife or x-wife. Specially when comparing. And I think it's compairing otherwise there is no issue or need to tell your wife about the other one.
May Allah bless you
Walaikumasalam
Nadia
Assalam oalykum i AGREE WITH AISHA. BUT STILL i want you to speak to him frankly, candidly and give him the warning if still you haven't spoken your heart out to him.Even if he doesnt make some amendments then you are free.
Salam o alaikum,
We believe somethings might be bad for us when in fact they might turn out better and Allah swt knows best. In most instances when one tries to draw a hard line on something those are the things that we get tested on. A man should be very very careful not to delve into the details of intimacy with one wife in front of the other wife as this has the potential to destroy the relationship hence it is not permitted to do so.
Having said that, you are the best person to know more details about what kind of a man your husband is and how he has taken care of you and his children over the years. Do take everything into consideration and if you decide to stay then give it everything whole heartedly. InshaAllah, Allah swt will make ways for you that you never even imagined.
Regards,
Saqib
I have read all the responses here, and to be frank wael has said it all, he made the best and unbiased remark... This man is staying with the second wife for just 6 month for every 30 he stays with this questioner, yet she's still jealous. If any body suppose to be complaining, it should be this 2nd wife. But she is patient and probably that is why the husband is praising her. Of course there is no justice in this and the husband is trying to do the right thing by bringing the 2nd wife to the USA so that he could maintain justice between the wives.. Now its up to this lady in question, if she feels she cant do the right thing by adjusting to the to the wishes of her husband, then islamicaly, it is within her right to divorce him.. But i would advice the lady to be very careful and not to do anything rash, because she may leave to rue over it in the near future ..
Look brother do you not understand the sister has reason to be angry her husband talks about his intimate secrets about his 2nd wife. He makes comparisons between him and the first wife.He uses that to make her feel bad. I mean how would you feel if you had your intimate secrets splashed out.
How inconsiderate of you to accuse the sister of being jealous. So what if he spends more time (he does not have a choice) with her. He makes use of her but spends quality time with his other wife. Note that the sister does not even complain about her. What's happening here is she has been too patient, far too long. Bad.
How can we expect one who is bold enough to compare his intimate life with his other wife to be "trying to do the right thing" by bringing his other wife over. So what if he spends more time with his 1st wife if quality time goes to 2nd wife.
I am too a second wife, and my husband recently got his whole family here inc his 3 kids.
(Remainder of comment deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)