husband cannot defend my rights in front of his family, he has no say of his own.
I am a 25 yr old girl married for 10 months. My problem is my habit of saying the truth and following principles. My husband shows care for me with his words. I show care for him with words and actions. My husband fulfils my wishes and demands, but when a matter of comparison comes he gives priority to his mother. After marriage he was on debt, which took him 6 months to pay off. Now we started a rough saving plan but his father asked him for 1 lac rupees to repay his own debt. My husband also contributes 35000 monthly to his house. Once and only once I needed fees for my studies. It was 15000 which he didn’t had, and had to take loan again. My dispute is that why does he spent all on his parents and when the time comes, nothing is left for me? He says if my parents will ask for money, I wont deny. But is it justifiable that we gather some amount for my desires and when we have it, his parents ask for the savings which we have done, inspite of the fact that my husband gives a monthly share to them.
I don’t have any security of my bedroom. My mother in law brings in her relatives for my room exhibition, which I strongly dislike.
Also an issue came. At valima, I got some Gold sets as gifts on the stage by some people. My mother in law took them from me, without my knowledge and I was told they are kept in locker for safety. Now that I asked if they are still in locker and should I pay Zakaat on them, she said ‘Yes’. Now when I asked my husband to get me those Sets so that I can weigh them, I was told that they are given forward as gifts to other relatives’ marriages and those left are kept for the same purpose. I was heart broken. My trust was destroyed. My sense of security was destroyed. My husband says that he will compensate for this. But can broken trust be compensated with money? I told my husband that your mother lied to me and that this kind of tradition is usually seen in uneducated families. He then told me to apologize for calling his mother a liar or else leave the house. I left the house. I think that no law or no religion says to apologize for speaking the truth. I told him that the compensation would be to go to his mother and tell her in a decent way that this practice was wrong on her part.
Please guide in this regard, keeping in mind that I have given every possible respect to my mother in law, never raised my voice in front of her, and at the same time she has given me due respect but her attitude has bias between me and her other daughter in law, which I constantly tell my husband, but he says that its out of his hands.
I feel that if he cannot give me due place in his combined family and always says that it’s not in his hands. Then he should keep me in a separate house, where I can protect my respect and wealth but this is taken as a evil thought by him and he says that I want quarrels to develop in his family by saying this.
I feel great hatred for my husband because his attitude was biased and told me to leave his house just because I said something true about his mother. Now this has happened, I also hate his mother because all along I have been treating her as my mother, but now I am homeless because of her. I cannot imagine to go back and live there.
May Allah guide me. I beg to Allah for guidance. I may not be a very good human. But I follow all the basic Arkaan of Islam. I have my professional exam in 1 week and I am destroyed mentally. I also hate my husband for spoiling my peak study time. My husband has spoiled all the major events of my life, my convocation, my first Eid, my brother’s wedding. How can I force myself to go back. He has broken my trust. He always tries to backfire and put the blame on me by reminding me of my past mistakes (to which I have apologized and no longer repeat. They were misbehaving with my husband, crying, banging my head on the wall and eating nothing for many days.)
I have to obey my husband’s orders but what am I supposed to do when my husband’s orders are only those which his mother tells him to order me. If I want to go some where and initially my husband agrees and later refuses because his mother tells him to do so? Am I supposed to give him his rights when he exerts his rights from his mother’s wishes?
I pray to Allah to take my life and free me from all the Munafiqat of this world.
~ S-Hasan-S
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Salaams,
Your husband is obligated to support you by supplying your basic needs of food, shelter, clothing. He is obligated to ensure you have everthing you need to be a proper wife and mother, such as cooking supplies and such. If he is making sure these needs are met, everything else he gives you is extra, not obligation. As a son, he does have a duty to also support his parents, and give high priority to his mother. I understand that you want him to take care of all the details as far as your education or wants, but I'm not so sure he is required to make those a focus over his parents' need.
If you feel that there are things you like that he is not able or willing to provide for you, you have the right to work and earn your own money. You can spend what you earn on anything you like or feel is necessary. I imagine working a little outside of the home will also help the friction between you and his mother.
Speaking of which, you are entitled to privacy if you are sharing a home with the in-laws. If your husband's mother is bringing others into your room any time unannounced, I would speak with your husband and let him know this is not your mother's right. It might not hurt to set the boundary with her as well. You can tell her that you request she knock before entering whether alone or accompanied, and if it's not a good time for anyone to come in, she must respect that. I do agree with you that he should provide you with your own home if peace cannot be achieved in his parent's home, but this may not be financially possible for him right now.
I think what happened at the walima about the gold gifts was a misunderstanding. The way I read your post, it sounds like you were asking mainly if you should give zakat, and your mother in law said yes. Honestly, she may have believed you should still give zakat on the gifts even though they weren't yours to keep as you thought. That wouldn't make her a liar, and for you to say your perception of her as a liar is "truth", is a bit immature on your part. I think it would do well for you to apologize to your husband for calling her this, and let it be a simple miscommunication. I realize your feelings were hurt after you understood you couldn't keep the gifts, but in the scheme of things this is really a trivial matter.
The truth is, you are blaming your husband and his mother for everything that is going on, as though you are not contributing in any way at all. However, in reality when we are in stressful situations we are often doing things as well that cause additional problems for others and ourselves. If I can speak frankly, I think that you possibly are not approaching your living situation with enough humility, and are treating the whole thing based on what YOU are entitled to, instead of thinking about how the arrangement is affecting others. Do you think you are the ideal daughter in law, and his parents are not experiencing some stress by having you in their home? Do you think it is not a conflict when you have different ways of doing things than they do, that they have to be patient with? Do you think that your husband is not stressed trying to keep peace between everyone he cares about? I think the best and quickest solution to what you've described is to take the position of being at the service of your husband and his parents. If they are kind enough to provide a home for you, you should accept this graciously and offer to help them in any way possible, not think of what THEY owe you.
Swallow your pride and return to your husband with an apology. Instead of reacting emotionally or with tantrums, ask him what you can do to make things easier for him, yourself, and his parents. Do those things, and try to make peace as best you can while this situation is as it stands. Then, you can discuss with your husbands what your future plans for just the two of you, and begin strategizing how to make those goals a reality.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"I think what happened at the walima about the gold gifts was a misunderstanding. The way I read your post, it sounds like you were asking mainly if you should give zakat, and your mother in law said yes. Honestly, she may have believed you should still give zakat on the gifts even though they weren't yours to keep as you thought. "
I disagree with this. Why would the mother in law think she woudl pay zakaat on gold she does not own? I don't think the mother in law is that simple.
If the daughter in law has to pay zakaat on them, then they belong to her, and only she can decide if she will gift them forward, or keep them or sell them. Not the mother in law or the husband. This is her property. If someone did this to me I would accuse them of theft, and whether the husband wants to deal with it or not, he should at least accept it as something wrong.
A married woman must have dignity and privacy. Not have people stampeding through her room whenever they want to. To this end I dont' know why sister S cannot just throw the people out, it really shouldn't take the husband to sort this out.
She should expect her husband to treat her requirements as important, and if he makes a deal with her he should keep to his word, not betray her and do whatever his parents tell him.
"you can discuss with your husbands what your future plans for just the two of you, and begin strategizing how to make those goals a reality."
That's just the thing. He doesn't make plans with her, he makes them with his parents. Also the daughter in law is not at the service of her husbands and his parents. She not a maid. They are not doing her any favours by letting her live there, that's what they decided to do for their own convenience. In some cultures it is seen as a sign of obedience to the in laws that the daugher in law lives with them, and they would feel ashamed if she had any 'freedom' and got a place of her own.
I would also say to Sister S, you should distinguish between people disrespecting your rights and differences in personality. If your MIL likes the other DIL better than you, there is nothing to be done about it. Let it be. Maybe they have a lot in common. This shouldn't be a reason for anger between you and your MIL, she has the right to be friends with whoever wants.
If your husband says he will compensate you for your loss of gold jewellery, take the offer. It is a sign that he agrees with you, and may be the first step in the right direction for him. He is acknowledging you rights haven't been respected, maybe next time he will take a further step to defending you. But you have to encourage him by accepting the things he can do.
Men aren't born knowing how to be husbands. You haven't even been married a year. He also needs time to grow into his role. Men are not the most observant or empathic creatures, they have to learn a whole lot of new skills after they get married that they never needed before marriage.
And stop asking your husband to go and fight with his mother on this thing or that thing. Would you fight with your mother if you husband asked you to? You should stop calling her names too. You might say, 'I feel she has lied about this', not 'you mother is a LIAR, and you have to go and call her such to her FACE if you ever want to see me again!' etc. As a general rule, don't pick fights you can't win.
My final advice is, tell your husband that you accept his offer of compensation and you will drop this issue henceforth. And you've realised you can't live without him and you are very lonely in your parents house and would he please come and get you as you're too embarrased to come home by yourself.
Salaam,
As far as needs and prioritising comes, a wife completes half her husbands deen likewise for the husband. She leaves evrything and everyone behind for him and hands herself over to him completely. So he has a few responsiblities towards her, a few commands given by Allah Almighty, which you'v failed to address yet you'v gone to extreme lengths to belittle the sister that came here for guidance and help.
Zaqat is obligatory on the person whom owns the gold, if the sister above was paying zaqat for it then it is deemed hers - yet the gold was in her mother in laws possession. If the motherinlaw told her daughter inlaw to pay zaqat then the mother in law obviously considered the gold her daughter in laws, so when she gave the gold away as a gift without her daughter inlaws knowledge she has comitted a sin. She had no right over it so she doesnt have the right to make any decisions with regards to it.
The sister is completely entitled to her own accomodation and dwellings, when she asks her husband for her own separate accomodation it becomes obligatory on him. Especially if there is constant friction between mother and wife and he is struggling to maintain a fair position.
Any duty or responsibilty she fulfills towards her inlaws is considered an ehsaan on her behalf and her husband should appreciate this and show some gratitude, as its not fard on her to do so, it is only fard on him.
If a man cannot support his wife, financially and emotionally then clearly he should put off getting married until he is man enough to do so. Marriage is give and take - there is only so much the wife will give before she feels the inequality in her relationship
There is no doubt that the mothers stature in Islam is high, and rightly so. But that does not mean that the wife is treated 2nd class as is the case in most and the above situation.
Instead of telling the sister she is being immature and petty and ruling her clearly stressful situation as trivial you should look into what marriage actually is. Research a wife's rights in Islam before telling her she is asking for too much.
I edited your comment slightly to remove the harsh criticisms of our editor. It's odd that you accuse her of belittling the sister, then you belittle her in return. The rest of your comments are good, but if you want to continue commenting on this website then check the contemptuous, superior attitude at the door, please.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wow what an answer. Your advice is terrible. I'm sorry to say but I wouldn't apologies for saying the truth either because people can be wrong May that be mother in law or not- the poor girl is in desperate need you are asking her to just suck it up and move on! Not everyone would do this and quite frankly they shouldn't hVe to go through this kind of crap!
All i can say is that married life isn't this simple. A lot and more of such things happened to me in the first two years of my marriage, but the truth is you have to live with it. Your husband and ur mom in law wont change. All u can do is pray to Allah to put love for u in their hearts. I know and can understand what wrong she's been doing to u, but believe me the first 3-4 yrs are the most difficult years of a marriage. Let ur mother in law do whatever she feels like, if she is wrong Allah will take care of it, and if ur right then Allah will make things easy for u. My prayers r with you.
Assalamalikum Sister,
I agree with the editor's comment and the comments made my angelina_fire.The first few years of your married life are full of challenges not just with regards to the inlaws but also between spouses themselves.Its a new situation for your husband too.He's also learning ways to help keep peace between you and his family.On the one hand, he has his wife who he loves a lot and shares his life's details with her.On the other hand, its his mother who holds the key to jannah.Disobedience or disrespect to parents is a major sin and care has to be taken to avoid doing that.
inshAllah I'll try to summrize my advice in the following few sentences.
If your husband gives you your rights such as provide you with food, clothing, shelter and also lets you communicate/meet with your family with no issues, then you must go back to him and save your marriage.
You can try talking to him about how a second income would help your family and ask him to let you find some work to financially support the family.
Also, try to look upon your in laws like you would look upon your parents.Imagine your parents growing older and turning irritable and impatient.I can see it in my life.My parents are growing older and are losing patience with the kids and even with each other.I am a married woman too and this always helps me look over my inlaws behavior.They are getting old and need someone to deal with them with respect and patience.
If you looked up on websites like islamqa or even on this website, you'll have so much to be thankful for.There are so many cases of abuse in marriage,husbands deserting their wives and kids, husbands into all sorts of haram activities like alcohol, gambling,extra marital sex, astagifrullah.
Lastly, inshallah if your husband is a practicing muslim inshallah and is kind to you then you must act likewise and save your marriage before its too late.Our ego or pride is not worth losing our loved ones or ending up divorced and unhappy.
Allah knows best.May Allah SWT make it easy for us.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the husband’s relatives who are not mahrams to the wife entering upon her. It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?” he said: “The brother-in-law is death.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172).
It is not permissible for her to be alone with any of her in-laws except those who are so young that there is no fear that they will tempt her or be tempted by her.
Secondly:
The husband must provide his wife with a dwelling place that will conceal her from the eyes of people and protect her from heat and cold, where she can live and settle and be independent. Whatever meets her needs is sufficient, such as a room in good condition with a kitchen and bathroom – unless the wife has stipulated larger accommodation in her marriage contract. He does not have the right to make her eat with any of her in-laws. The kind of accommodation provided must be commensurate with what the husband is able to provide and be suitable according to local custom (‘urf) and the social level of the wife.
(a) Ibn Hazam (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
He has to provide her with accommodation according to his means, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according to your means” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
(al-Muhallaa, 9/253).
(b) Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
She (the wife) is entitled to accommodation because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Lodge them …” [al-Talaaq 65:6]
If it is obligatory to provide lodgings for a divorced wife, then it is even more appropriate that lodgings should be provided for one who is still married. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“… and live with them honourably…” [al-Nisaa’ 4:19]. Part of that means providing them with accommodation, because she cannot do without proper accommodation to conceal her from people’s eyes and so that she may go about her business, relax and her keep her belongings in order.
(al-Mughni, 9/237)
(c) Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or another relative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own… But if he lodges her in a room of the house that has a door of its own, this is sufficient for her and she should not ask him for alternative accommodation, because the harm caused by fear for her belongings and not being able to relax is no longer there. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)
(d) Ibn Qudaamah also said:
A man does not have the right to make two wives live in the same dwelling without their consent, regardless of whether the house is large or small, because this will cause them harm due to the enmity and jealousy between them. Making them live together will cause conflict and each of them will be able to hear when the husband spends time with (has marital relations with) the other or she will see that. If they both agree (to live together in one house), this is permissible because they have the right to do to ask for independent accommodation, or they may choose to forgo this right. (al-Mughni, 8/137)
He did not mean that it is OK for the husband to have marital relations with one where the other can see and hear that; what he meant was that it is permissible for them to live in one house, where (the husband) can come to each of them on her night in a place in the house where the other cannot see her.
If he can give each wife a part of the house with a bedroom, bathroom and kitchen, this will be sufficient. Similarly, he could give each wife a separate house or apartment.
Al-Haskafi (may Allaah have mercy on him) – one of the Hanafis – said: Similarly, she is entitled to a place in the house that is free of his family and her family according to their means, as is the case with food and clothing. A separated part of the house with a door of its own and facilities such as a bathroom and kitchen will be sufficient for the intended purpose.
Ibn ‘Aabideen commented:
What is meant by “a bathroom and kitchen” is bathroom facilities and a place for cooking that should be within the room or in a place which is not shared by any other family members.
(al-Durr al-Mukhtaar, 3/599-600)
I say: what indicates that what is meant by “house” [bayt – literally, “house”, translated above as “room”] is a room is the comment of al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him): If the house has rooms, a room should be allocated to her and given its own door. They said: she does not have the right to ask him for alternative accommodation.
(Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/34)
On this basis, it is permissible for him to accommodate you in a room of the house that has its own facilities, so long as there is no fitnah (temptation) or being alone with any non-mahrams who have reached the age of puberty. He does not have the right to force you to work for them in the house or to eat and drink with them. If he is able to provide you with accommodation that is completely separate from his family, that will be better for you, but if his parents are elderly and need him, and they have no one else to serve them and the only way he can serve them is by living with them, then he has to do that.
Finally, we urge you to be patient and to strive to please your husband and to help him to honour and be kind to his family as much as possible until Allaah grants you a way out. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
May Almighty Allah SWT continue to bless u In abundance and increase u more in wisdom.U re one of the very few who had truly spoken the truth and I sincerely praise u for this.
Dearest sister,
I may be able to comprehend ur situation in a better manner since I have and am still suffering with this condition.
Iam sharing out my story to just give the others who r suffering a bit of an idea or strength.
I have been married now for 5yrs,was married in june2009, a fully arranged marriage to a man 8yrs elder to me while I was only 24 yrs old.
From the very next day my mother in law (mil) started making fun of me infront of the guests, I wud like to add on I was working in esteemed bank in dubai in a higher operations position job, I was a uk graduate.
Despite I was earning equal and better than her son she had started misbehaving and making issues out of smaller things, she won't ask for things directly, she handed over to me smaller gold gifts recvd in valima and asked my husband to get the 13 gold sets my mom gave me in dowry, and that I shud keep them home and go to work, my husband is very polite and understanding but when it comes to his moms orders, it becomes for him the orders of Allah, it's so if his mom asks him to pray he will or else he won't,
Then after 2 months I got pregnant which my mil wasn't expecting, so she tried to give me some home remedies that wud finish the baby like raw papaya and pineapple, I used to flush them and tell her I had it,
Also my room door was sliding door, so when I am at work she has access to everything, while her doors and cupboards wud remain locked, though she was 62 at that time.
Also to add on my husband lost his job in the meantime and I supported him and his family for next six months,
Yet his mom used to fight with me have issues ready the minute I entered home, won't let me sleep, if I cocked food she wud call her daughter and kids on dinner.
My condition and health started deteriorating, I had a nun married sister so I cudnt return home, some how I managed to deliver a boy by c section, and later separated, telling my husband I won't force u to come with me, u may spend weekends with us and weekdays with them,and yes let me clarify the separation story is very long, they said they won't come with us, they cannot look after the baby.
There are a series of events, my husband never took me out for private dining a, or a movie, he had to seek permission from his parents and we cudnt be late he won't eat food without them,
All that I bore, but when his mom forced me to throw my baby at a babysitter, and humiliated me badly by saying to travel by a bus or come alone by a cab becuz iam using his son as a driver I stood up and didn't answer her a word but left the home.
5yrs, she still tortures me becuz she can never change defamed me in all family,friend and community,husband came with me but considers iam a bad woman, mom is innocent and poor, and all the tricks were played by me and his bhabhi the elder brothers wife who also doesn't stay with her.
I had a tubal pregnancy out of stress and my tube was removed, still he doesn't pity me, I don't love him with my heart anymore, I used to be a straightforward and truthful person today I have become sick physically and mentally, I hate his family from the core of my heart and seek Allah's justice, they also wanted money and forced me to leave my parents.
Asallamoalikum all sisters who r victim..me too suffering same disputes...its all happening due to shortage of Islamic education....
I pray to Allah please give hidayah to parents and sons ....
Im so glad there are people like me here wjose husbands dont support Nd stand for them when his famoly disrespects n abuse us.. I think we all should communicate further n discuss each others issues which can make us feel confident in our actions.. We all should get in touch with each other on whatsapp and make a group where we can atleast support each other emotionally.. Inshallah
That's what i did to my brother. I liked it. Good! 🙂 so happy your husband did that to you. You can email me if you want.
Aoa!
This is not a problem to have right answer on internet.......... 5 years gone...........no answer found....you should contact any religious scholar to find .............what is your right and what is not your right.........On my part..........I think,,,,,,,,,the gifts given to you are yours........and one should fight for his right........you should ask for your right from your husband.........it is his duty to provide you privacy and a private room..........
Is it not enough that one has suffered so much? Would it be worth another 5 years to fight for "your rights". Or would it be better to cut your losses and leave this toxic situation? Where is that threshold to leave?
People will not change. If you feel you have to fight for your rights in a relationship, you are in the wrong relationship don't you think?
Life is too short to be constantly fighting. The negativity is obviously toxic. Please save yourself. I personally do not feel it's worth fighting for. There will be someone more suitable and more compatible. No company is better than bad company don't you agree? We must learn to love ourself. I believe in living with my integrity. Leave the rest to God and do what you think will bring you happiness.
This is the path I've chosen for myself. Thank God I am an educated woman who does not need to rely on my husband for financial support. Although by right, he owes me in so many ways, I realised that he's not as Islamic as I thought. I gave too much credit. It is my loss and I refuse to lose anymore than I have.
We must know our self worth. When he married you, he made a contract with you. It's also an agreement that he has changed alliegiance.