My husband has changed after finding out about a previous relationship
Salaam Brothers and Sisters,
Since I married 2 years ago, I have had problems totally committing myself to my husband because of a previous haraam relationship I had with a guy. I have since cut ties with the guy and repented. I read the quran regularly, I have been fasting and praying for forgivness from almighty Allah.
However my husband has now found out of my previous relationship and suspects that I had intercource with the guy (which is not true, Allah is my witness). My husband is also my second cousin, so he says that leaving me is not an option because he doesn't want to hurt my father (which I am grateful for). But he has changed so much. He told me that if I admitted everything to him (which I have done) everything will be okay between us, but for the last month that has not been the case. I have swore to my husband that I will remain his for the rest of our lives and no other man will come between us again, but he refuses to believe me. So far in our marriage he had been a perfect husband, I was just too dumb to see it. I admit my mistakes and do dua to Allah that he forgives me.
My husband since has turned to alcohol and drinks at night in our home. I've told him so many times that he will be punished by allah and it is haraam, but he carries on. He hadn't come near me for 3 weeks and then the other night he was forcing me to engage in haraam sexual activites (that he has never requested before in 2 years). He wanted me to engage in oral and anal sex which I refused to do, as he was under the influence of alcohol. Yet he still held me down and forced me to engage in anal sex, which was so painful for me. I was shouting and screaming and he still had no remorse for his wife. I am now praying hard to Allah that my husband stops these bad habits and comes back to me like the angel he was.
I know I made mistakes getting involved with my previous relationship and I truely ask for forgiveness from allah, but my husband is now a completely different man. He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me anymore and stays in the next room drinking alcohol all night. I'm scared for my future and I have nobody to tell, because he says that if I tell my family he will tell them about my relationship and shame me. I'm scared that I once planned to have children with my husband, but now I don't want these children to have an alcoholic father, so we do not have children yet, although I do pray hard that Allah blesses us with them.
I'm so worried about my husbands behaviour and pray to almighty allah that he shows him the correct path that he was on in the first place. I feel responsible and I own up to that but I also thought my husband had a forgiving heart.
Your comments will be most appreciated by a very confused and worried sister,
Wasalaam
Moon
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Salaams,
At first it seemed like you were saying any interaction you had with the previous person was at the time before your marriage, but as I read your post it seemed at times that there was some "interaction" with this person after you got married to your current husband? Is that correct?
If you have indeed been completely faithful to your husband since the beginning of the marriage, then whatever happened in the past between you and someone else shouldn't matter. You have done what you can, and it is up to him to put those issues aside and move forward with you reasonably.
However, if you were having some type of contact with that person from your previous relationship (even if it wasn't sexual in nature), then it's understandable why he is having a hard time trusting you. Being unfaithful, regardless to what degree, destroys trust. It is going to take time for you to earn it back, and you must be patient with the process.
However, the other aspect here is that your husband has started down a dark road. From your post, it sounds like all this only started with the issues of the guy from your past- that he never drank or tried to do haram sexual acts with you before that. Clearly, he needs help coping with his feelings and how he manages them.
Sister, if you have truly put your past behind you, and you have sincerely repented of any wrongdoing on your part, it's not unreasonable at this point that you ask him to do the same. You do not have to subject yourself to someone asking you to do haraam to you or around you. Ask him to stop, and if he does not, remove yourself from the home until he can make a commitment to change as you have. I would strongly suggest going to someone-whether it be a counselor, imam, or trusted family member- for advice on how to work through the trust issues that are arising in your marriage. You both need ongoing support to make sure that past mistakes will not be repeated, and the trust you both had in each needs to be rebuilt. I'm not saying you can't do that on your own (just the two of you), but it will be very, very difficult. Right now there are more obstacles in the path than most of us would know how to overcome without someone helping us.
All that being said, if he's been having issues with alcohol before recently, then there's a good chance he has an ongoing addiction that he battles with. If that's the case, nothing short of Allah and professional treatment will break that curse. He will need to deal with that problem before any meaningful work can be done in the other areas of your marriage. Insha'Allah he will agree to get the help he needs, and work with you to make things right between you two again.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wa'laikum Asalaam,
Sister, before he starts drinking or when he arrives home
either start reciting Qur'an loudly , and during the time or Prayers, Switch on the Channel on which the Prayers in Makkah ( AL Haram) comes,
This Might be able to help you out in a way. Or keep listening to Surah's from your cell phone.
Also keep reciting Aytal Kursi regularly.
And write the Dua'as of entering home or before entering washroom and stick it on the entrance of each place.
This might help u too.
Tell him that u swear By Allah (SWT) and none knows the best except Him.
Keep telling him that Allah (SWT) said that if a muslim man drinks, he cant smell the fragrance in Heaven.
And also if he tries to do bad things with u, tell him that its Haraam, and Allah wont permit him to go to Heaven at all. It is worst sin thn telling ur parents etc.
You married him which was written by Allah (SWT) .
Please sister do take care of yourself too, or maybe take him with yourself to your parent's house by any means and live there for sometime. Or ask your parents to come and live with u for sometime in ur house.
Maybe by that he wil try to avoid alcohol and try to get back in his sense InshAllah
Sister Ramadan are coming
pray alot and explain him to do the same thing too
and keep telling him, Allah is watching u..and this is temporary world. Hereafter wil be worst thn wt u are doing here.
I hope sister everything goes well with u and u stay blessed InshAllah
We will also pray for u alot during ramadan InshAllah
but be strong my sister, This life is just a trial.
And some men are really distracted from the path of Allah.
Keep your trust alive in Allah, its just a trial for u
Ur husband is new to the truth, maybe in some time he wil get back to his sense InshAllah
If he continue's to be the same ( God Forbid ) thn tell someone about it.
Wish u the best sis
May Allah bless u
Sister this is such a sad post, i think you both need time apart maybe you should return to your family home for a while alcohol is haraam for a reason the person has no control of themselves and it seems your husband is very angry with you and is showing his anger in the worst way, maybe with distance it will help clear his head and give him time to really think things through, you should keep up with your prayers and dua, i dont no how close you are to your mother you could talk to her about this some times are elders look at things from a completely different angle, insha'Allah khayr sister.
AS Sister he 1) may have something else that is bothering him 2) hid the bad habit from you (but this doesn't make sense since he was physically okay with you before 3) Was hurt by what you told him, even though TAWBAH is strictly between you and Allah SWT and irrationally turned to alcohol to numb his feelings. Remind him of his duties as a husband again and tell him you love him and he is the only man you can ever see yourself being with EVER
Salam Alaikum, I can't believe no one is saying about the fact your husband raped you! He has NO right to do that, if I were you I would pack my things and leave. Alcohol is not an excuse for such a shameful act. You were screaming at him to stop and he raped you! I'm sorry but he is a monster. Who knows what he can do next. Pray for his soul.
Fee Aman Allah,
Your Sister,
Leanda El-Ali
Walaykum as salam,
Sister Muslima, thank you very much for pointing out this serious issue.
Sister Moon, you have repented already, your husband doesn´t have the right to punish you, he has entered the cycle of violence, you don´t deserve the punishment, it is not right. If you want to return your marriage to healthy boundaries, you need proffesional help and guidance, he is drinking and full of rage against you, you know where it began but you don´t know where it will lead if you don´t stop it now.
Try to talk to him, ask him what he wants from you, to punish you will make him darker and darker, ask him is there anyway you can soften his suffering, but don´t accept physical or psycological punishment. Sister, the angel is still in his Heart, try to skip the evil that has surrounded him due to his intense pain and bring back to life, Insha´Allah. Ask Allah to guide both of you to the best for you, Insha´Allah.
Pray your salat, be modest, do zakah, dikhr, read and recite the Quran, study the Names of Allah(swt) and His Attributes, sister if you want him to stop damaging you, you have to put yourself on Allah(swt)´s Hands and build up a glow of Light around you through your faith and devotion To Allah(swt) this will be the only way, he won´t be able to abuse you again. Your bond to Allah(swt) is being tested, love Him(swt) more than you loved your husband.
May Allah(swt) help and guide us to healing and forgiveness. Ameen.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister muslima i could see that is what happend here, but to say alcohol is not in part to blame is wrong, the sister said that he had NEVER behaved that way in the pasted and our religion gives us warnings about Alcohol and some one who is intoxicated would even go as low as going to their own mother audu bilaahi minah shaytan raajim,,,,And she does want her old caring husband back, it is truly horrible what has gone on here 2 lives falling apart may Allah(swt) bring a lasting cure for them.
Muslima indeed that was disturbing and she should walk away from the situation (like physically remove herself from his presence) Honestly I think a lot of the stories here have desensitized us to a situation like that!
If Alcohol were an excuse, what happens next time something goes the way her husband doesn't like? He starts drinking and rapes her again! Even worse that it is an .....rape! If I were her, I couldn't ever look in to his face without spitting, that is what he deserves.
Yes, alcohol is forbidden for a reason, but it doesn't excuse in the slightest what her husband did. Even with alcohol in the blood stream, it takes a monster to rape his own wife and even more so when she is screaming for him to stop. Wallahi I can't stop thinking about this story, it brings tears to my eyes. I have made dua'a for you sister Moon. It really distresses me the thought of a woman living with such a horrible man.
If I were you Moon, I would call the police and have him sent to prison. I know that is not going to happen, because you are scared of him telling the family things about you, but who knows what he can do to you next, he knows you are scared of your past secrets coming out for everyone to find out - he has this "power" over you and literally can do anything he wants.
At the very least you should either kick him out or leave yourself.
Muslima , Your comments reflect your ignorance . During alcohol intoxication , people make horrible mistakes as they don't even realize what they are doing .
It is true that necessary steps must be taken to avoid this situation from happening again . I think, it is better for you(muslima) first to understand the effects of alcohol on human body . Try to gain some knowledge before posting ignorant comments .
Salaams,
The effects of alcohol varies from person to person. If you have two people who both get equally drunk, they will not be equally likely to do the same things. Usually, the effects of alcohol are such that whatever type of actions someone may have a tendency to do in their nafs, the alcohol works to break down whatever constraints are there which keep that person from acting out that particular way when sober.
For example, if a man has no inclination at all for anal sex when sober, the very thought of it is a turn off, then even if he becomes extremely drunk he wouldn't do that (he may however, rob a liquor store, because while sober he may have thought about that from time to time as a solution to his financial problems.). A man who can force a woman to anal sex when drunk probably had fantasies about haraam sexual acts when sober, but just restrained himself from acting on them.
All alcohol does is increase substantially the impulsivity of the drinker. Now whether that impulsivity takes the form of aggression, sexuality, social openness, criminality, even religiosity, that will depend on the individual makeup of the drinker. So it stands to reason that if this man does drink again, he is likely to act again as he has already. I have dealt with a lot of cases of alcoholic men in my professional setting, and not yet have I had a case where anal rape was a result (although plenty of other awful things were). So while you are right that people make regretful decisions when drunk, not all drunks are making the same "mistake" as this man by doing what he did.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wow, Muslimah, don't let the comments from "A muslim man" move you from your position. What he did was indeed an unwanted sexual act against the woman's will. Some men think that because a woman is his wife he can do whatever he wants but that is NOT the case. And it is ignorance on the other party's part if they think that this type of behavior is acceptable. It is not acceptable under ANY circumstance and it is PRECISELY the reason why Allah is forbidden alcohol.
Maybe someone who condones such actions can imagine himself being penetrated anally by an intoxicated person despite his pleas to stop and see what he has to say about it later.
To the "Muslim man" it is not ignorant for one to refuse to believe that alcohol creates a monster, the monster lies within. I have worked in a specific type of medical centre and dealt with such people every day of the year. Not all of them are closet rapists. As sister Amy says, people when they are intoxicated don't act out things that disgust them in sober life, they do the opposite. They beat someone, rob someone etc.
Yes, alcohol effects people differently, but raping your wife is NOT A MISTAKE, that is a CRIMINAL act, if you feel fine at the fact our Muslim sister is being raped by her husband, you can. I however find it repulsive.
Well , in that case , you need to work more and gain new experiences . That might open your eyes .
Oh and I know the scientific effects on the body, I have learned about it over the past 2 years in university. You can call it a "mistake" but at the end of the day millions and millions of people drink alcohol everyday, and millions of these drinkers do not rape their wives in forbidden cavities. It is 100% the specific person and their "inner" personality.
Salam Alaikum.
but at the end of the day millions and millions of people drink alcohol everyday, and millions of these drinkers do not rape their wives in forbidden cavities
And how do you know that ?. Do you know the life style and personality of every single person who consume alcohol ?. Do you see the activity of millions and millions of people after they had consumed alcohol ? . Do you have any evidences or proofs ?.
Your logic is extremely ridiculous .
Salaam brother Muslim Man,
Someone once said "I pray for truth to fall on my opponent, so that I may learn more from him". While there is no problem in holding constructive contrary views in this forum, I am sure I am not the only reader here interested to know what information or experience you are basing yours on. So far, you have only given an opinion with nothing to substantiate it. What type of settings or populations have you personally worked in and with that leads you to your conclusions? What sources are you pulling from, that would carry more weight than what licensed therapists
...or medical center employees and many others who work in mental health have witnessed on your own? Perhaps you are speaking from personal experience of your own nafs while intoxicated, so you conclude that since it happens to you and one other person it affects all equally?
When it comes to addiction trends and demographics, sound research and case studies form the foundation for predictive models. I'm sorry to sy brother, but unless you can provide documentation otherwise, the body of evidence does not support your assessment.
-Amy
-islamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam brothers and sisters and thank you for your responces.
In the past few weeks my husband and I have talked alot, it's mostly ended in tears but he has said that he will try and make our situation better. He is very angry at me and says I have let him down by staying in touch with another man. He says that he thought I was loyal but now finds it hard to trust me. I have assured him that it will be me and him alone together in our lives and no other man will ever become involved.
I think the drinking has stopped because in the last few weeks I haven't smelt anything from him and he has stayed at home alot. He has also been going to mosque to read Jumma just like he used to. He's come back into my room and is sleeping with me (but nothing sexual is happening, I've told him I don't feel ready after what happend last time, he is okay with that).
I know I've broken his heart and believe me I am asking allah for forgiveness all the time. I know I let him down and have hurt him so much. He has also agreed that he will try and make things better so the other night he suggested going to a restaurant for a meal. We did go out and had a nice evening.
Brothers and Sisters please do dua for my marraige as that last thing I want it is to end. I know my husband is a good man at heart, and did all those bad things because I hurt him, and he loved me so much.
Anymore suggestions from you will be greatly appreciated and I will do dua for you all.
Wasalaam Sister Moon
As salamu alaykum Sister Moon,
Alhamdulillah, both of you seems to be healing, Alhamdulillah, I was really worried about his behaviour, Alhamdulillah, he has returned to the straight Path, your comment bring tears to my eyes and gives me hope, repentance and forgiveness are two big issues, ...may Allah(swt) ease the Path for forgiveness and repentance in all of us. Ameen.
Just remember that when we repent from our sins they are kept between Allah(swt) and us, once you have talked about it all that you wanted to talk, don´t touch it again, create new situations, new memories, build up trust with little things, and when you least expect it, your confidence will be back, insha´Allah.
Your humility and your soft Heart precede you, thank you very much for sharing.
Sister Sara shared with us the following dua for Ramadan: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/ramadan-mubarak
Recite continously 'La ilaaha illa anta subhanaka innee kuntu mina-dhaalimeen.' [none has the right to be worshipped but You (O Allah)], Glorified (and Exalted) are You [above all that (evil) they associate with You]. Truly, I have been of the wrong-doers."
Al-Qur'an, 021.087 (Al-Anbiya [The Prophets])
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Allaah ma'ak, you are a good wife for all your efforts.
keep up the hard work inshaallaah.
Maasha'Allah sister iam so happy for you, you must be very honest with each other and talk about the seriousness of what you both did to each other i pray that Allah (swt) forgives you both and that you and your husband forgive each other too, you both have to regain the respect that was lost, may Allah(swt) make it easy for you both, Ramadan Karim sister.
WS that is good news to hear, I think the best approach in this situation is being straitforward. From what I garner, he was deeply hurt and showed his hurt in a very traumatic way for you, which was physical. If despite stating your love for him, he continues emotionally hurting you divorce is not out of the question. Regarding physical intimacy inshallah it will return, and in a sense he will have to work to regain your trust, if you ever feel physically unsafe remember the law is there on your side.
If I might add, despite what some others say, you obviously see fit to say with this guy despite what he did to you. It reminds me of my own situation growing up. My father physically abused my mother for years and even once cheated on my mom. This all stopped about 10 years after their marriage and they have been married for 30 years. The reason was that my mother knew my father was fundamentally still the same good guy she had married years before, and despite his pressures and strains loved his children. The only thing my parents have fought over, verbally, the last 15 years has been my father and him asking why mother has cooked if she has come home tired from work in such a hot day. Marriage is truly a beautiful thing, talaaq is one of the most despised, and if you could make it work, why shouldn't you.
I hope that gives situation to your hope. If there is anyone who should repent it is him, and he should be outright and straightforward with that. If you SINCERELY repented for your zina with another man then Allah SWT has put a veil on your sins and you are not required to tell anyone about it.
Ramadan Mubarak sister
Normal Poster-
You think that your mother enduring 10 years of emotional trauma is ok bcos your father later changed his ways.
Have some respect for what she has been through- do you have any idea what that kind of prolonged unhappiness does to a person, your mother is a remarkable woman for living through all of it and trying to make it work.
At the same time this does not warrant that you tell other people that it is ok and they should hang in there till the person changes, each situation is different and maybe your mother did it for her children or other personal reasons.
Please dont tell people to accept abuse of any form as talaq is wrong, abuse is wrong and Islam does allow divorce when the spouses are really unhappy and incompatible to prevent the situation from taking a turn for the worse.
Respect and follow the tenets of your faith in the right order!
I don't disagree with you at all. Also, this was not 10 years in a row, but on and off for a couple of years. I' m leaving it up to the OP to decide whether it is possible to save this marriage and gave her an example of that. That's all.
Nice responses. I am not Muslim. I was about to convert becayse Islam made sense to me then. I can only say that if he forced you to have anal or oral sex then he just wanted to treat you as his whore. Not you are, but that is how his ego will get revenge. I am Latina and my ex husband did the same thing to me once. He is not Muslim either but he admitted. He said by doing that he let his ego off and punished me. He only did it once and after that he was normal. I am not saying your husband will do that but chances are that his animal, beast instinct is off already. Talk to him and be smart enough to make him regain the confidence on you. I am not saying let him rape you, I am saying try to understand him better
Ps. After my divorce, I got involved with a Muslim guy. He also wanted anal and oral sex even sex during Ramadan. See?? No matter what religion they practice their animal instinct is inside of them. Obviously I turned this Muslim down because I found out he just wanted to do with me what he couldn't do with mudlim girls.
Ma'am. How did you get involved with him? Where did you find him?
he is doing haraam which will condemn him on the day of judgement, but what you did was also haraam, you also violated the sacred trust as a married wife and he is obviously shattered by it and i think that he will never trust you
even though you had no sexual relations as you say and i believe you, but, thats not what he believes, he doesn't trust you and regret marrying you
you sowed the seeds and you should be thankful he is not divorcing you or cheating on you and also hidden your secrets, he is not a bad guy, just very sad
you need to work this out because you are responsible for it
i have read at many places and i know this as a man that a man has egos, and when he thinks that his wife is cheating on him, his ego is shattered, he thinks that he was rejected by his wife, when he feels rejected he has less self esteem, he thinks that he was not worthy and thats why his wife cheated on him and now he will never feel the same about you he previously did, he is a changed man and its a changed circumstances, you need to get through this tough or results will be devastating
you said that he did haraam by anal sex or oral sex with you, but he did with his wife rather than another woman, thats a lot of difference, but what you did was outside the bond of marriage, even though you didn't have sex you can't compare his drinking and anal sex to your cheating him