Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband had cyber sex with 5 other women and I don’t know what to do?

Keyboard keys showing man and woman

Assalam o Alaikum,

I am in desperate need of some help and advice. My husband I have been together for just over a year, before marriage I was a Christian and he was a Muslim. We fell in love and about 7 months into our relationship my heart was convinced by the teachings of Islam and I became a Muslim Alhamdullilah. We have been married for 5 months now and I love my husband to bits. He treats me good and I never had any trust issues until now when I found out that he had sex with 5 other girls. He is 18 and I am 17. I randomly asked him for his MSN pas and saw 384 contacts; all of them girls.

I began to question him and he told me that he had sex chat with 5 women, later on I found out that he had cam sex with 2 of them. I am disgusted and I feel like crap. He actually masturbated whilst this other woman as pleasuring herself at the same time. He did this before he met me and told me that he stopped the cam sex a month before we got married. I am shocked and I almost don’t believe it. I think that the reason why I feel so indifferent about it when he is around.

I have miscarried a month ago and I am still trying to get over that and I really don’t know what to do. He has apologised and said sorry several times, in-fact he cried more than me. When I threatened to divorce him then he went crazy and cried like a baby. Just because he was doing all this before; doesn’t mean that I am not hurting.  I don’t want to divorce him as I love him and I know he loves me too but I just don’t see any reason why he would do that to me. Ya Allah! When I was Christian, I had a lot of male attention and I brushed them all off for my husband; only for him to be cheating on me online! I wear Hijab and abaya and I am dreading summer now because of the skimpy clothes women wear in London in the summerL

It may not have been in real life but he was telling one of the girl what he would do her and the same to him, also they were the same to girls he had cam sex with for ages so, may be they even bonded. If he could physically cheat he would have. I don’t know what to do, what to feel or say. I feel so depressed and haven’t got anyone to talk toL. I doubt he totally stopped doing it just before we got married. I just need advice on how to cope with this situation; how to move on and how to stop him from doing this or similar again?

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16 Responses »

  1. ''he apologise and say sorry several times, in fact he cried more than me''..... To my own opinion sister, dont u think he is deeply regretting what he did in d past., u 've 2 know that we are humans and we are bound 2 make mistakes but d best of us is d one who cries over d wrong he has done and turn 2 Allah in repentance.......... Sister, Allah has blessed u with a husband dat loves u 2 d extend that he was crying like a baby when u threatened him with a divorce.. U have 2 accept this as a blessing b/c there are countless number of women out there just looking 4 a husband 2 marry.. Try 2 put ur leg in this women's sheos and see how painfull and frustrating it is............. I think what u should do is try 2 sit with him or take him out on a dinner or so and try 2 make him realise his mistakes islamically by quoting d quran nd hadith.. And also try 2 remind him d fact that he made u embrace islam and it can only b proper if he is showing good example by practising d religion perfectly.. . . . May be u should give dis a try and may Almighty ALLAH guide u.... . . . .finally i will like 2 welcome nd congratulate u 4 reverting 2 d religion of peace (islam) and hoping dat u become a good nd practising muslima who love Allah(by doing what he order's u 2 do), respect Allah, obey Allah's commandment(like praying salat, observing d ramadan's fasting, giving cherity '' even a smile can be a cherity'', honesty in all what u are doing, moral responsibility and trust.. U can keep on counting them..) and fear Allah by abandoning and leaving totally what He forbids u (eg cheating, backbiting, slandering, skimpsy dressing, injustise, giving false witness,, etc) u can keep on naming it... I will refer u 2 d verses of d qoran..,, . . . . . . . . . . . Suratul mumimum 'chapter 23' verse 1 to10. And also verse 57-61.... . . . . . . . Suratul furqan 'chapter 25' verse 61 to 77... Suratul ma'arij 'chapter 70' verse 22 to 35... Suratul ahzab 'chapter 33 verse 35.. . . . Pls sister try 2 go through this verses in the english translation of d qoran nd feel free 2 ask any question.

  2. salam, sister, first congratulation u reverted to the religion of peace, islam,
    2ndly, u r very lucky, because u have got loving person in ur life, he dit hide any past from u, he was honest with u, now just he followed some shaitan things, just pray to him, and tell him to prayer five times namaz and u to pray than see ur life will change because of allah.

  3. As salamu alaykum, Sister Snook,

    I agree with Mohd, what I have to add is the following, I am sorry for your miscarriage. I see that you are a very mature woman for your young age, Masha´Allah.

    You cannot change your husband´s behaviour, but you can be his guidance to Allah(swt), he guided you first, now it seems that he has forgotten, be a Light for him to come closer to Allah(swt), who is the One who will give him the strength and the courage to apart himself from that wrong behaviour, insha´Allah.

    Now you have to recover from your lost and strengthen your body, you are young, Alhamdulillah, you will recover fast, insha´Allah.

    Keep studying about your deen and taking care of yourself. Pray your salat, recite the Names and Attributes of our Lord, ,.... keep focus on Allah(swt) to find all you need every moment, insha´Allah.

    Be transparent to him about how his behaviour makes you feel and how affects the way you look at him, be patiente and respectful, he has a problem to solve, now he needs you to get rid of it, does he acknowledge he has a problem with this? does he consider it cheating? , you may have the same way of looking at it to solve it, insha´Allah.

    I do believe you are young and begining to get to know each other, time to readjust your clocks now, I am sure you will get over this and you will live your life happily as a married couple, insha´Allah.

    You are a strong woman, he must be a wonderful man to have your attention and being able to marry you, remember what made you love him and when you feel down about your marriage think about all his good qualities and bless him for being in your life, ... marriage life takes hard work, but after this struggles you will love each other more than before , you are building up unconditional love and respect, my beloved sister 50/50 sometimes turns into 90/10 and other times into 10/90, and everything in between, this is life, movement, changes,... Allah(swt) bless both of you and guides you to a life of understanding, compassion, love, respect and forgiveness, insha´Allah.

    From my Heart to your Heart, all my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  4. Snook, what your husband did was abominable. It was zinaa in all but deed. But it's possible that now he has been caught and shamed, he will stop. Or maybe he is telling the truth that he already stopped. And it sounds like aside from this behavior, he is a good husband, and you love each other.

    Ask him to delete all of those IM contacts, email addresses, phone numbers, and any other female contacts he has. Tell him you will give him another chance and that you forgive him, but that if you ever catch him doing it again the marriage is over, period.

    Then follow through with your words. Forgive him and don't keep reminding him about it. Be loving and sweet with him as you were before. But keep an eye out for any duplicitous behavior.

    Wael Editor

  5. Assalamu Alaikum Warahmathallhi Wrbkathuhu,

    Mashallah, Sister, Mubarak on reverting to Islam. And you're definetely mature at 17 (considering the fact that im 17 aswell) so surely, you will understand that he feels regret. We are all slaves of Allah(swt) and are bound to make mistakes. If he has cried infront of you, and asked for forgivness, isint that enough to show that he regrets it? If he has sincerely repented to Allah(swt), then i dont see theres any need to hold on to the past.
    I know its not easy and it'll always be in the back of your mind, but i think time will cure that.. Rather than wondering about the past, think about the good times you've had together.

    In terms of how to stop it from happening again, educate him more about the issue. Help him increase his Taqwa of Allah(swt). If he fears and knows that Allah(swt) is watching at all time, he wdnt thinking of commiting such sins again, inshallah.

    My dear sister, forgive him and inshallah, Allah(swt) will forgive you in the day of judgment.

    P.S- Mashallah, im happy to hear you're wearing abaya. Since i wear the abaya and niqab aswell, it can be pretty hot inside but Sister, those non-muslims can wear as skimpy clothes as they like because they think its hot, but they're not aware of how hot the Fire in the akhira will be.
    May Allah(swt) reward you for your modest clothing and ease you difficulties, Inshallah.

  6. Dear Snook,

    With regards to your husband, I agree with the above comments.

    With regards to your clothes, this is your first summer dressing as a Muslim, so yes I can understand it may be difficult having to change your wardrobe. But it will become easier the more you enjoy being a Muslimah and the more you mix with Muslim sisters. Fortunately for us sisters, London is very multicultural and anything goes. So go shopping and pick up some colourful maxi dresses, some flares and swing dresses/tops to wear or top - they look lovely. You'll be fine inshaAllah :O).

    SisterZ Editor

  7. I don't know if this should make you feel better. But My husband did it physically and gave me an STD. I wish he would have done it in the computer rather than physically. And just like you he did it before he met me. And my husband didn't cry when the Dr. told me i have an STD because of him... He was cold and said "Every one is going to die someday"

    Yes Im Lucky!!! Because God loves me MORE than my husband...

    • Dear Brother and Sisters, I am From Pakistan and using internet since 1998, involved in Online Loving Affairs, IRCs and Chats, work, profession, researcher, software developer. etc etc. Now i am 38 Year Man.

      My answer of this situation is based on my experience. It is genetically proved that Men always think about more then one women in his life. Shyful and low esteem man can enjoy their imaginations which fed from Media, Advertisement, Net, now Photoshoped female pictures bill board and then he can masturbate afterward for satisfying their brain from a chemical release when a addicted person inhale the drug. This bold society and BAYPARDA women and liberal activities making now a days male sex addicted.

      - GHEBAT, (Back biting) is greater sin than Zina. How many peoples knows that?
      - Zina is punishable when 4 Male Witnesses see the organs interacting.
      - Physical intercourse is much greater sin than Artificial sex (watching, commenting, discussing, porn cybersex).

      - Man can control his all emotions but it is really hard for a sexually healthy man to control his sexual desires.

      - Man enjoy Artificial Sex cause of social bold activities of women srounding by him (she may be his close relatives who wearing bold dress) Movies, Dramas, Media Advertisements on TV, NET, Newspapers, Wealth, life comforts, movies etc.

      - Cybersex porn activities is disaster of families and for those who facing same problem like our this sister is facing, it is addiction related case, its most hidden secret of a every man having online relationship. If you bust him, the only solution of this to give him chance to find other activities, like Gym, Game, Further Study, Part Time Work and let him meet with real friends, Picnic, Parties.

      And yes if you start hating him ignoring him or even left him then, may be you get other man who have 400 online whore in his list but you unaware. Where will you post your question?

      May Allah Helps us all and able us that we all stop GEBAT (Back Biting) which is most regular habit but no one notice.

  8. Thank you Sister Caring. You really touched my heart and let me have an open mind. Yes its true what you said there are those who are worst than us. My husband's past friend (he doesn't talk to him anymore) he keeps cheating on his wife every where he goes and with anyone and she doesn't know anything. My husband told him that is Haram to cheat on a wife and you are going to burn in hell" he said he can't help it!
    It bothers me deeply that he cheats on her and she doesn't know anything. My husband said "I can't ruin their marriage, and they have kids"

  9. Assalamu alaykum,

    You have the Book of Allah - The Qur'an. Open it, read it, understand it. Next thing : Try to make your husband understand it. If he does understand , repents and turns to Allah and makes you happy by his love and care, forgive him and ask him to make Allah a surety over whatever good he promises to do to you.

    If he continues his love for other activities, does not show interest in you, you know the better course of action.

    So take up the Qur'an, pray a lot to Allah and go ahead with - Justice and follow not desires, lest they make you slip away from the Truth and make you act in an ujnust manner - for yourself or your husband.

    May Allah solve your problems and give you and your husband good of dunya and aakhirah.

  10. Dear it hurts............... my heart goes out to u. May Allah make it easy for u. Some men have no hearts I say. IT was the decree of Allah that you got it, but yes Allah does love you, and your husband should have got himself checked before he weent and married you.

  11. May Allah help u to be patient through this trial ameen and reward u with Jannah. And may Allah swt open ur husbands heart and guide him ameen x sister caring

  12. And Sarah, my sister, Alhamdulilla, we should always look at people who have gone through worse than us, and realise and be grateful to Allah that our experiences were not as bad and that Allah saved us from such tragedies others are going through.

    I knew of one sister who married a revert man, who had not given up his haram from his jahiliyyah, so she always tried to make excuses for him until one day Allah showed her the evidence of his haram (the dirty text messages on his mobile phone with prostitutes), but u know what the good thing was, she had already divorced as he didnt want to stay with her,but because he had kids with her, he used to come into the house to visit kids while she would go out.

    Subhanallah. may Allah swt make it easy for all of us ameen. Sister caring x

  13. I would be quite suspicious and I would check everything on his computer, phone, etc...separate if he does it again. If he continues even after that, that should mean good-bye, whether he cries or not. He must realize that you will not deal with his bad behavior. You are very young to be married, by the way, and children should not be brought into this situation. Trust me, if you try to "stabilize" your rocky marriage with babies, your husband will probably try to preserve some freedom with - you guessed it - other females!

    • Dear sister Snook,

      I hope to hear from u if u managed to fix the probem, i know that being patience is the key to solve the situation, i have the same prolm with my husband and i know how does this really hurts, he has been cheating on me since we got married, maybe he stopped onley 2 months aftet mrg and he alawys stops in Ramadan month, we both of us raised up in muslim famelies and country, i didn't told any one except my very best friend bcz i needed some one to speek to while i was in a foreign cntry. Now after 3years of mrg & 2 yrs of discovering he is cheating, 2 times of misscarage and countless times of talking to him to stop, advice him to stop told him how ( haram ) he is in, swearing to me that he stops, finally i discoverd that he still doing it, i couldn't help him to stop bcz of his job that makes him traveling most of the time, i alawys discover his cheating by Coincidence.
      I pray to Allah to help him heal and have healthy life with me. I sometimes cry in silence, my mother doesn't konw, i feel really lonly. I am ipregnant now, i am staying with my mother bcz he is traveling, i know he is cheating, his mobile is sending pic's to his ipad through the photo streeming, he left the ipad with me i sow all pic he took for him self and the pic women sent to him i don't konw how to solve this, i can't tell any one.
      Now i came to last thing i can do, I'll ask him to see a doctor bcz i beleve he needs a treatment maybe he is an addict to sex there is no reson to cheat even when we r togather and having good time as a husband & wife doing the best that i can to give hime pleasure he needs. ur story was really touching and i needed to shair this with all of u. I hope fir u the best and ask Allah to help us all, ameen.

  14. i was undergone the same situation.but i love my husband more than anything in this world. so i am going to forgive him.Be brave and continue your life. its so precious

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