Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband committed adultery and filed for a wrongful divorce

divorced family with child, divorce couple with baby

Assalaamualaikum wr.wb.

I have been married with my husband for 17 years and we have a 15 y.o. son. In the past 3 years, I have been studying abroad and taking my son with me. We are supposed to go home this year. My husband at first gave his permission, and I had signed the study contract. But later he changed his mind after we were confronted with an issue (he thought I was in love with another man). Because I have received allowance from my study, I finally left (and this was my biggest mistake).

We met every year in my home country or he would come to visit me. I thought everything went well, until last year after our vacation my husband said that he has had relationships with many women, including sexual intercourse and that he wanted a divorce. He said that he had stopped these affairs, but still wanted a divorce because he could not bear with my character anymore. He said that he had given up hope to have a happy marriage with me.

I was indeed more dominant in our relationship and not always doing what he asked me - I must admit that I was not really a good wife. There were some reasons that made me want to be not totally financially dependent on him.

I was in shock when I learnt about his affairs and let alone his request for a divorce. I returned to my country to talk to him, but he said he had made up his mind. Later I found out that he was still in a relationship with a woman - he even bought her jewelry, sent her living allowance and even planned to buy a house. I was totally devastated. Our family met and advised us to talk about this problem again - for the sake of our son.

However, after I went back to the place where I study, I did not hear anything from him anymore. Even my son's messages to him were not replied. Later I heard from a friend of us that he had secretly filed for a divorce. And in his divorce paper, he mentioned that he did not know where my whereabouts (I do not know what's the exact term in English), and that I ran away from him since 4 years before.

I do not know what to do now and I feel very guilty to make him changed into a person like this. My husband was a very loving husband and father, but now he does not care about us anymore. I and my son lived on my allowance during our stay abroad. He only sent money once, for our visa extension. Now I have to continue working abroad, and have accumulated some debts because apparently he did not pay for our mortgage and insurance.

If I agree to accept the divorce, there will be some alimony for my son, but what he offer is not proportional to his salary (he earns around $4000/month but only offers $500/month for my son). He does not have savings at all, because it was all spent for the women.

But I feel that we have not done our best to fix our marriage. I still love him, I want to help him to return to Allah, and I want to undertake my duties as a wife. I do want to save our marriage for both of us and for my son. I have huge mistakes, but I realize them and want to correct them if he gives me an opportunity. We have not really talked about the best options for our family thoroughly, we only met twice after he told me about his affairs. I strongly feel that his decision was influenced by this woman or a desire to marry her.

I am very much distressed with this situation - I could not work andor socialize. Right now we do not have any contact - he does not reply my emails whatsoever. I would appreciate any advice from sisters and brothers on what I should do, and any duaa that I should practice to relieve myself from this problem. I have practiced Istikharaa but I am afraid that I already have some inclination toward a choice that I could not see the answer. I have hired lawyers, but their action will be dependent on my decision. Thank you very much.

Wassalaamualaikum wr.wb.



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4 Responses »

  1. Sorry to hear this situation . Most of people normally will go for divorce if their spouse is caught cheating ..But here it is your choice due to your situation and circumstances you better know ...If you want to save marriage then I think better you try to contact him and you both visit some counselors .

    But if he has given islamic divorce (even initiating divorce formalities) then i think you need to get correct opinion from islamic scholars ..

  2. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    I understand how you feel as far as wanting to save the marriage, wanting to right your wrongs and work with him to put things in a better place. Those are very noble and blessed things to want, and may Allah reward you for your intentions.

    But you wanting them is not enough, he has to want them also. It doesn't appear he shares those desires with you, but clearly is showing he wants to be in other relationships with other women and not with you.

    I think that perhaps in this case, what he has chosen for himself, and for you subsequently, has to be accepted. It may even be that this unfortunate turn of events turns out to be better for you in the end, because there really is no peace in a marriage with someone who truly doesn't want you and is actually betraying you time and again.

    Letting go does hurt, but many times it's the best thing. There is more in store for you in this life, and you have to grieve this loss fully before you can see and be ready to embrace whatever Allah has written for you going forward. I sincerely pray that Allah support you and brings you comfort during this heartbreaking time, but I assure you that Allah is still in control and still working to bring what's best for you and will benefit you in this life and the next in shaa Allah.

    -Amy Editor

  3. Assalam alaikum,

    I am sorry for the destructive marriage that you appear to be in. May Allah swt ease your pain and help you through this.

    I have to say that I find it interesting that your post resembles a few posts here from brothers complaining about infidelity from their wives and many of the responses have told them straight out to divorce, especially if the spouse is not repentant because otherwise a husband would be considered dayooth. In your case, your husband doesn't seem the least bit regretful--I don't see what there is to salvage in such a case--and therefore I agree with Sr. Amy.

    One thing I noticed in what you wrote is you seem to be carrying this underlying burden of your husband's actions. If you caused your husband to cheat and have many relationships outside of marriage, don't you think you could also cause him to stop and become a wonderful loving husband and father again? You see, Sister, you didn't cause him to do those things at all. He is whomever he is. He cheated and had relationship on his own accord. If you can't make him "good again", you never made him "bad" in the first place.

    Also, it seems that when he told you about his affairs so candidly, he didn't do so to change or mend his ways, but rather as a way to push you away and as though he had no intention of that so? Of course you love him, but this isn't the greatest love of all. The greatest love we feel in our lives is the love we have for Allah. When we connect with our Creator above all things, we become better at coping and moving forward.

    I suggest that you start to let go especially if your husband has no intention of reconciliation. You would not want to force the marriage back especially without him getting tested for STIs. Think long and hard and be critical, even when it is easiest to be emotionally attached to all the good memories. Pray Isthikhara. Talk to your elders.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you to make the best decision for yourself and your son, Ameen.

  4. Assalamoalaikum ,the sister has valid reason to take divorce .her husband is not showing any sign of repentence and zina is unacceptable sin to live ...I think she too should take the divorce the way is suggested for brothers in case of reverse situation ....

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