Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband does not excite me sexually

Anxious womanI got married arranged by my parents five years ago. I wasn't physically attracted to this man at that time but I accepted the proposal for sake of my parents. I admit I did accept it only bcoz it was my parents choice. They appreciated my decision.

I am above average looking beautiful girl.. I don't have very high expectations or demands in life.

From the very first day I didn't feel any attraction towards my husband. He was quite shy, introvert, soft voiced like girls, bald, shorter in height than me. He don't speak much to me..so is my case I also never opened up myself to him and we are still continuing this way since five years.. meanwhile we have a daughter and a son.

Contrary to his nature, I m little more aggressive in nature, straight forward when it comes to talks. More romance loving....and learns from the mistakes we make in our lives. As to my husband he is a lot more a guy who prefer safe sides....looks for experience in every aspect of life. Least good when it comes to romance...he is in fact too shy to hold my hands even when we are alone.

I am never turned up by the way he makes love to me. He never wants to know or talks much when it comes to our intimacy.

Moreover My husband is not well aware of making foreplay before intercourse.....if our love making goes for half n hour....then probably 4-5 min of love making n rest time intercourse.. Sometimes I end up lying in the bed like a mummy, or whatever position he may like me to have. I otherwise simply try to cooperate with him in this act and would fake up the orgasm at the end.

I don't really enjoy his kisses.....they felt more like biting one.. he is sometimes too harsh.. These things turn me off.... even if I m fully aroused in beginning. Probably I m the lady who has got least number of kisses on neck, belly n back... which I enjoy the most..

What is worst is that I don't reach the climax either. I don't have that too....if only I really tell u how many times I have got orgasm till date...u will get shocked. I think one day I will end up saying I hate sex.

Let me tell you...I m otherwise a well built up lady with good height. My partner is also good in health but shorter than me...few inches..I wonder if height affect the size of penis too....or maybe his size is not enough for me?? But this is not a fact....coz sex is all about love making.

Another thing...I m always attracted towards men with good height, face n colour should be in proportion...but height is something that makes my belly ache....
I told my parents.... thousand times...why I don't like this proposal...other than not mentally prepared for marriage coz I wanted to finish my studies n wanted to work for couple of years before getting hitched.
They didn't took my choice of selection seriously..n what worst happened is that...the biodata of my husband which was provided by my in-laws...they have wrongly mentioned the height n age both. My parents got convinced...
I only got the correct information..after marriage..but it was too late..
This incident...hurted me so deeply...that I can probably never forgive my in-laws or whoever has provided false biodata.
Even when I have started this relationship..with clear heart n forgetting all the likes n dislikes..these incidents couldn't let me..

Now my situation..is that I wonder why my eyes end up looking at some handsome man at store or in my way. I feel too bad...but something is happening wrong with me I can feel it. I don't want to commit sin I can never. I fear Allah and fear to be punished

What I know is however man looks....he should know the technique of letting his woman fell in love with him. It's not by physical appearance..it's by ur attitude towards her, Ur attention..n love..
But that too is probably a far away thing..as he is too introvert n shy in speaking up his own feelings...

He is extremely good at his career front, probably the best man to give advice on education, career n current trends...he is good with kids n me too...he is otherwise a good man..knows how to deal with relatives
Sometimes I m afraid of Allah...if only I m not blaming him out of context.

But the situation through which i m going..it's worst. Only God knows..how difficult it becomes for me sometime to handle my own emotions. When my heart is saturated with pain...I end up crying for hours at night.. without sound..only tears flow through my eyes..n then I feel quite relaxed

Things are otherwise good... alahamdulilah.. at last there are many more worst thing happening around us...we should not think only of our sorrow..I m at least getting other things in life....a lavish lifestyle... adorable kids..

What I want here, is , please provide me some insight. Should I talk to my husband about my sexual frustration. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

-Seher


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15 Responses »

  1. I would say you need to talk to someone about your emotions or try to talk with your husband about this topic. As it's your need and which is not fulfilled and you end up looking at guys you get attracted. Which is totally understandable, but you need to bring up this issue in a good manner.

  2. Asaklm,

    Talk to him, construct yourself words to avoid any misunderstandings, since he is nice guy who cares his wife and children, He will surely understand you... and please don't get attracted only for looks there is many things which matters,we don't need to be judgmental before we speak or share it with the concern. speak to him, we never knows probably he might will change himself only and only for you instead of on other hand getting attracted towards other guys who are just nothing but diving you for an sin.

    Thanks

  3. I never actually finished reading this but by just reading the first segment I can see that issue here is you and not your husband. How do you expect him to up his game if you're not telling him that he's doing it wrong.. In his head he's probably thinking that he's doing everything right. You need to tell this to your husband and not to us and kinda initiate the move.. Maybe next time hold his hands first get him to learn the act. Marriage is a partnership not a place for selfless act besides that you already have kids with him now which is kinda your own fault so try and make it work for them

  4. Assalaamualaykum Sister Seher,

    First off, you write that "at last there are many more worst thing happening around us." However, you do not need to minimize your concerns or your feelings with this "Children starving in Africa" sort of mentality. Allah knows your difficulties and tests he gives you that are custom made for you, and also has the solution. Never doubt that...there is a solution to your problem and Allah holds the key. Ask Him in prayer, during sujood, sincerely. And He will light the way.

    You absolutely need to communicate with your husband and not be bashful. Rememeber that sometimes, Allah swt puts two people of very different temperaments together in an effort to ease all things that come in their path...with two people of different temperaments, everything can be accomplished, Insha Allah. And remember, the same temperament that is causing this difficulty for you is the temperament that is making him a good career man who will provide financially for you and your kids. He just needs you to use some of that assertiveness of yours and explain to him exactly what you need from him.

    Please do not feel bashful to talk to him about your sexual preferences, as they are what Allah has created in you, and are nothing to be ashamed of. He must listen to you and make an effort to please you sexually and otherwise. If not, you might want to seek marriage counseling with him. He seems like a responsible brother who will make an effort at pleasing you if told what your issues are.

    Sometimes standing up for our true selves is one of the most difficult things in life, but the rewards and satisfaction you will feel within yourself once you do will supersede any sort of discomfort, and you will indeed almost forget the challenges you had in doing so previously.

    May Allah bless you in your intimate life and give you ease,

    Nor

  5. Salaam sister First of all try talking to him it will be hard but marriage is give and take you said that he is very good with you abd kids sometime in life things happen so quick we have to accept it and make it work it might take him time to understand all this has you said he does not express his feeling towards you and is shy
    Why look at other men’s when you have husband home
    Sister I was same has your situation
    It took my husband 3years to understand me about my feeling please don’t cry you are making worse try talking to him one day he will understand your feeling what makes you happy take time out for each other watch romantic movies together some times we have to make men’s understand us mens other times we don’t need to say anything men’s understand by them selves
    Anymore advice sister just drop mail me hope that helped and may Allah Pak solves all your problem
    (Ameen)

  6. Assalam Aleykoum,

    I wish the moderators would edit this piece. It’s too explicit. I got embarrassed reading the details.

  7. salam sister

    I am sorry to say this but for me, you sound over-confident about your physical appearance, you think you are attractive and you can get any handsome man if you want. besides, you talk about your husband is not a good match physically for you, seriously sister? You shouldn't be proud of yourself this much. First, get rid of your PRIDE, then discuss the issue with your husband.

    Allah knows best

    • Wow, are we really allowed to disclose erotic talk about our spouses, I actually thought I was on a kaffurs website and it was a elicit site.
      Sorry sister but I do not think it is the correct islamic etiquette to be discussing every mortal detail up until you " climax ".
      We can always use better ways to communicate our problems with the Ummah despite detailing sexual information for other muslims to read, I would be horrified if my son happened to stubble across this on a muslim website to read this account of yours.
      May Allah (swt) guide us to the straight path may are words be eloquent without tempting others to zina or other immoral acts. Ameen

  8. Salaam, sister
    You must start with repentence, ask Allah to forgive you and protect you from falling into sin and transgression. Before of putting the evil eye on yourself, you talked about yourself with no glorification of Allah. Guard your chasity, your husband's secrets. Don't shame your husband you don't want Allah shaming you. Seek Allah's guidance and help, fast, make salah and dua. Umar(Radillahu) said to a companion who wanted to divorce his wife
    ''Umar Ibn Khattab رضي الله عنه said to a man who was thinking of divorcing his wife:
    "Why do you want to divorce her?" He said, "I don't love her."
    Umar said, "Must every house be built on love? What about loyalty and appreciation?"
    [Al Bayān wa at-Tabayeen, 2/101]

    Allah(Subhana wa Ta'ala)says in Qur'an you think something is bad for you but is really good for you. And you think something is good for you is really bad for you.

    The Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) helped a companion to marry, he was known to be unattractive, small and short, even of dwarf-like stature and was considered ugly but was a righteous muslim. Many women he asked to marry turned him down, he asked the Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)for help. The Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) asked one of the most beautiful women in the ummah to marry this companion.Her father said he had to ask his wife, when delivered the message to his wife at first she agreed with excitement when she thought the Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)was askin for himself but when her husband told her it was for a companion and who the companion was, she refused.The daughter heard her mother's protestations, asked: ''Who has asked you to marry me?" The mother told her the Prophet's(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)request for her hand in marriage to Julaybib. When she heard that the request had come from the Prophet(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) and that her mother opposed to the idea, she was greatly perturbed and said:'' Do you refuse the request the request of the Messenger of Allah(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)?Send me to him for he shall certaintly not bring ruin to me.'' This young obeyed Allah(Sunbhana wa Ta'ala) and His Messenger(Sallahu Alayhi wa Sallam)and married him and recieved a great reward.

    There's no complusion in Islam, your first mistake was not speaking up for yourself before marriage, strongly enough, now you are married with 2 children. Shaytan's duty is to distroy families, and to blow glamour dust over people to make them appeal more attractive than they are and to lead one to commit major sins and sins. Thank Allah for your blessings, ask Allah to help you make the right decision for you. But never talk about your husband's secrets and private business. This you take to Allah, when seeking advice have hayah and modesty cover yourself and your husband. You exposed the two of you, as women we must guard a chasity, our home, husbands secrets and they must guard our secrets and their chasity. Allah will guard your secrets on the Day of Judgement. Divorce is allowed in this case but it may not be the best choice, if he is truly a good man. Seek Allah's guidance have compassion when you talk to your husband, see where it goes from there. May Allah protect your family and guide you.

  9. As I was reading this, I scoffed to myself.
    I'm in a situation where my husband does NOT touch me. In fact it has been 3 months since he had. I was just crying myself to sleep the whole of Sat and Sun.
    Woe is me. Truly despite me bringing it up numerous of times. My only alternative is that either I wait for him or leave him which would be the very very very last resort. Which is what I can advise you too.

    I know out plight is not the same. But don't you realise how lucky you are? You have a husband who loves you and desires you. He may not know how to show it. He is a shy man. A decent man.

    Listen sister, let me blunt. The problem with you is that you have already made up your mind not to like your husband even before marriage. Do you have any love for him?

    First you say you are a good looking women. So? What has that got to do with anything? Are you saying since you are better looking than your husband. You deserve more in life? Also. Looking at other men is a huge sin. It's okay. Sometimes we don't mean it. We look away after 1st glance. Don't look back at him again.

    The height thing Really bothers you. Why don't you get your husband to wear insoles. Google it. It will give him few inches. And you can wear flats. May be this way you will be at least matching in heights.

    If you don't like the way he is. He is too shy and you are outspoken. You don't like his kisses. You think he bites too hard. He is not a mind reader. So pls TALK to him. But do it in a way in which it does not hurt his ego.

    I don't know you but somehow when reading your troubles. I do feel sad because I can sense how much you dislike him. If you sincerely want to make your marriage work. You need to start giving him a chance. So the only way to do that is through communication. Maybe counselling might even help.

    Insyallah hope you resolve your issues soon. May Allah guide us all.

  10. I think you need to put efforts like talk or other ways to know your husband what you want .
    Just one question
    Do you problem with watching Porn ? In porn they make camera adjustment to show large Male organs and girls might mistake it for real .
    In real life such pleasure shown in porn doesn't exists .
    In case if you have this problem then first stop it ..

  11. Salam sister,

    I am 26 years old and I am 4 feet and 9 inches in height, no girl attracts to me, I feel very sad when someone make fun of my height, when comes to your husband please talk to with your husband about your sexual desire what thing you like what you don't like and what you want with him during love making ( what you just mention above); you really should talk with him, or take him to a sex therapist for better knowledge, but I really don't think you should talk about his psychical appearance with him, as height or you attracts to handsome men, this may turn him very sad.

    As you mention that

    ''Things are otherwise good... alahamdulilah.. at last there are many more worst thing happening around us...we should not think only of our sorrow..I m at least getting other things in life....a lavish lifestyle... adorable kids..''

    I think it is very difficult to get two things at the same time, handsome husband and rich husband with a good character. Its really don't easy to get 2 things at the same time, your parents just sacrifice that "physical appearance" and choose wealth over his beauty so that you could live a good happy life . Take care sister.

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