Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tired of a husband who doesn’t work and can’t have children

lazyI got married at age of 29 to a man of my choice. My family was not happy with this proposal as this man was previously divorced. Initially, our families did not get along and eventually after our marriage, his family completely boycotted me and has not met me since the wedding.

My husband goes to meet them every week for one day while I stay at home. We have now been married for three years.

My husband hid his medical condition from me. From his previous marriage, he knew about his sperm count and motility issue. He disclosed his problem to me after six months of marriage. We have tried many doctors and even gone for a test tube baby but all has failed.

He also has had a very unstable job situation. For past two years, he has been in between jobs and now earning very less. Last year, we both had no jobs and I had to take support of my mother. We moved in with my mother and have been living with her ever since.

Last year by October, I started doing a job again because my husband has been unable to provide for me. In fact, every month it is mostly me who looks out for him financially. Many times, I ask him to find a better job but he seems immune to my words. Also, I try to ask to him to take me to meet his family but he gets angry and tells me that my way of trying to get him to break contact with them will not work. He uses harsh tone to insult me and tells me that I need to get in my brain that I will never be able to meet them.

I have been patient for three years and tolerating all this because I believe that the marriage bond is sacred and must be maintained. But is it only the wife's duty to tolerate the husband's lazy attitude and lack of initiative to provide and mend ties between his family and I?

Also, he has been dishonest about his medical condition. In such a situation, if I seek separation would that be wrong? I have tried many times to reason with him but it always comes to compromising on my part. My family is not willing to partake any role in this and his family is absent. What does Islam say about such a situation?

-Mrs. Bilals


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5 Responses »

  1. Sallam Sister

    I don't know where to start, you married this man knowing very well that he doesn't have a stable job, so why are you complaining right now? my advise to you is to encourage your husband rather than putting him down. Be there for him, maybe he just cant get work, finding work is not that easy in this times. If that is not possible perhaps start a business together? don't despise him because his not working. Some people confuse 'lazy' for depression, is your husband depressed?

    Been divorced is not a stigma, so kindly don't use that against him. divorced people have every right to remarry and pursue happiness and the society should stop labelling them as 'damaged goods' and now your thinking of separating from your husband did it occur to you that you too will be judged?

    In regards to infertility, having a low sperm count doesn't mean infertility, having children is the will of Allah, I have been through this journey (I had two ivfs) which both failed. I understand you had an ivf too, please note its success has nothing to do with low sperm count. Infertility is very painful and stressful on a couple. I suggest you both go for counselling. All I can say is to pray sincerely to Allah. Many couples struggle with infertility,some do have children after years and years of trying. This requires patience and courage.

    Good luck to you both, May Allah bless you both .

  2. Salam sister
    Firstly I'd like to address that before marriage both families were not getting on, that's what you said and you still chose to marry him,hmm.Family of his don't want to see you still after three years of marriage,well that is harsh! But you must realise that your husbands family are their own people and you cant change that, you cant force someone to talk to you.You say that your husband has a very unstable job situation, well maybe that needs to be looked into whether his genuinely trying hard and its just bad luck for him,or whether his just being ignorant and lazy. You see, he needs to work with you and try and find ways in which you both will feel okay and comfortable with, you need to understand his situation also and support him too.The other thing is while your man doesn't help you into looking at ways for a better outcome, where both of you are satisfied and working together for a target nothing is going to be sorted out.
    Try and talk to him and explain how you feel and together work with all your current issues.
    If he doesn't want to communicate with you by giving and taking you seriously need to get out if the marriage, after trying a good few times.
    Maybe that was the reason why his previous marriage broke up!
    You are sort of right when you say marriage bond is sacred and should be maintained, The word should I have used because must sounds too strong and harsh, I'm sure Allah wants none of us to suffer in marriage, we should work together in marriage and try and sort things out, before actually leaving marriage. I personally think continuous arguments in marriage is not right, living with someone receiving pain giving pain is unhealthy, Allah tala would like good respectable marriages where both parties contribute. If one can not do that and is suffering the other then we must count our loss and end it.
    God loves us all wants nothing from us just prayers and our happiness, when we marry we should become better people, love and trust and be there for one and other if that's not happening and you have tried hard then don't wait and waste your life. Also sister try getting your husband to go with you see a marriage councillor and then see where you go from there, if he doesn't go with you then go by yourself, talk to them. Move on in life if you have too if nothing is working out. WHY SUFFER HUH!

  3. OP: My husband hid his medical condition from me. From his previous marriage, he knew about his sperm count and motility issue. He disclosed his problem to me after six months of marriage. We have tried many doctors and even gone for a test tube baby but all has failed..... Also, I try to ask to him to take me to meet his family but he gets angry and tells me that my way of trying to get him to break contact with them will not work. He uses harsh tone to insult me and tells me that I need to get in my brain that I will never be able to meet them.

    I think scientists now can make sperms outside the testicles using stem cells. This technique may help some women who are unable to have babies because of defective sperms.

    Your husband may be trying to hide some thing by not letting you meet your in laws.

    • Assalaamu Alaykum,

      Stem cells from who? It sounds like it would be from a third party, and third party insemination is not permissible as far as I know. Even if it was the genetic material of her husband, I'm sure such a cutting edge procedure is highly expensive....and this man is not able to support even himself and his wife alone.

      Sister, having children is your right. Islam allows divorce for both women and men if they find out that the other cannot bear them children. However, another respondent rightly pointed out that low sperm count doesn't mean that it's impossible, just less probable. Allah can and has still brought pregnancies in such circumstances, so you still have hope. Yet, I would be concerned that he deliberately hid that from you. If you asked him about this before marriage specifically, and he lied about it to hide it, that is even worse. It is always encouraged for there to be full disclosure about medical conditions that could impact the marriage or spouse, because we are all free to marry with complete understanding of what we are getting into as best we can foresee.

      The fact that he is also keeping you from meeting his family, and beyond that- saying you will never meet them, is a concern. They are mahrem to you, so arguably you have a bit of right to meet them and interact with them.

      Basically you are dealing with a situation where your rights are going neglected:

      -he is not providing your right to sustenance, and you are compensating it yourself;
      -he is not able to facilitate your right to have children in a normal way;
      -he is not honoring your rights to have ties with your in laws

      If you are willing to tolerate this and work with this, hoping that it will ease and change in time, then work toward that as best you can with him. But if you are not able to tolerate it, and feel that it is causing you more distress, then you have the option to seek freedom based on your rights being compromised. Allah doesn't burden beyond what we can bear, so it's up to you to decide what you can bear with Allah's guidance. Istikhara is always in order in these situations.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Sis I think he unconfined and nervious inside thts why he react hw he reacts find out the under lieing issues ...like fr instance find better. Join u tell him to do this course n u will register hmmm. ..then so on him the way dnt just say help him get there..

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