Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband does not talk to me. I do not want to live with him

unhappy woman, sad and alone,I am married for 3 years and living in a joint family system. My marriage was totally arranged only saw my husband once but I chatted with him on phone for three months. Before my marriage my husband told me that he was a successful business man and I was also working so how much he earned did not matter so I took interest in his income.

At the same time my mother- in -law kept asking for things like car, house, clothes, etc from my mother. My Mother has three daughters and she treated each and every daughter with equality and what ever which was affordable for her gave me a reasonable dowry and  she make it very clear to my mother in law.

Soon like after week my husband started stating that he has lost in business and can not take me to honeymoon or spent any money on me. I tried to understand and be supportive. On the other hand my mother in law started telling me that my husband is a lazy man and doesn't work so i am suppose to support the family and also work at home and I also got pregnant. I tried to management to work but could not participate in house hold work. And I was emotionally very weak so every weekend I used to visit my parents and my husband allowed me to spend time as he had his hunting plan during the weekends so looking after pregnant wife was not on his agenda.

As my delivery came near, I totally shifted to my parents house and I myself bear the expenses of my delivery as i did not want to burden my parents nor want to tell the really picture. after delivery I had to join office again this time i had to earn for my son and my self. With my mother help i kept maid who was suppose to look after my son but my mother in law made her do house hold stuff and my husband spent all day sleeping.

Whenever I complained about my mother in law's attitude or tell her about demanding, my husband did not talk to me for days or even weeks which is now prolong to months. Nobody talks to me in my in laws house so I shifted to my mother house. Whenever my husband moods changes, he take us back. During this time he do not even ask about his son or how is coping. My mother in law kept pushing me to buy a car, so I bought a car for my peace of mind, now she is pushing me to shift to an ther house but I cannot ask my parents to to do that.

Due to these reason i went to parents house, there i lived for 10 months nobody from my in-laws called or asked why I left and asked about their grandson. my husband used to visit for weekends but never ask to go with him.

My father and his friends talk to my in-laws in jirga and sort out the solution and my mother in laws totally reject each and every thing. they said i did not want to live them and want a separate house.  Any ways, now I am back living with my inlaws ans husband. Still nobody is talking to me and my husband is not earning. My son is growing up. Im so confused and do not know what to do. I only want better future for my son. there is no communication between my husband and me. How will we raise a happy child?


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8 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Sister, you are probably unaware, but the bride giving away dowry is unIslamic. It has been taken from the Hindu culture. In Islam, it is the groom who gives it to the bride (it is called Mahr).

    Secondly, (I maybe wrong, but) I feel that your husband is not interested in you but sees you only when his mother wants or when he wants to fulfil his desire.

    Another possibility is that laziness has overtaken him. I am not sure, but I think you should not go to his house, until he makes a separate home for you and him. And you are not responsible for this. You need not ask your parents to buy/sent you a house. He is the man and he is responsible for this. Allah Has made him responsible. You are not even obliged to work. You can sit at home, while he has to earn the bread for his family.

    Perhaps he is highly pampered by his parents which has made him lazy. Perhaps he has not realized his responsibility. You need to make him realize it. When he contacts you next time, ask him to stay with you separately in a home which he would arrange for. If you asks you to do it, tell him that it is not Islamic to ask the wife's family to do so.

    This is purely my opinion. May or may not be correct.
    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Brother waseem I do not think that this man will ever going to get separate home for his family as sister said, he dosent work, sit at home all day sleeping, he dosent even care for his wife and son.

    Sister to me I think you should think about separation it will be better for you and your son's future. You go to work, your son is learning from your in laws attitude. He will learn and follow his father seeing all day in laziness and sleeping. You will be absent to guid him in proper Islamic way. It better to stay with your parents and let your son to learn some good stuff. 

    Its husband responsibilty to look after his family, its husband duty to fulfill wife and children needs. Even if you get back to your husband I feel like you won't be happy for ling it will happen again and again. 

    This is just my personal opinion, I am sure you are mature enough to understand between right and wrong and also what is good for you and your son.

  3. yes brother waseem is absolutely right. you have to make him realize that, he should b a responsible man. if he will not, then be a strong woman.

  4. Salaams,

    I could be wrong, but it seems like your mother in law is very well aware of your husband's laziness, and may have been for some time. From the way you describe it, she is the one pushing you to obtain money, a car, etc to help her family. It sounds to me like she pushed your husband to find a wife (it could've been any lady in your position, I think) just so she could use her for her own purposes. I don't see him or his family having any value for you as a person, or your son. They seem only to be interested in you to the extent of what they can get from you that will benefit them. In short, you are being used.

    Sister, I suggest you go back home with your mother and father and tell them everything if you haven't already. I have a hard time believing that your husband will magically step up to the plate and assume his responsibilities and extract you and himself from the controlling clutches of his materialistic mother. Personally, I think you and your son would be better off cutting ties with this family by divorce. Your son doesn't deserve to grow up and always left wondering why his father is not invested in his life, and why you keep having to go back and forth to your in-law's. Not only that, but you deserve to be taken care of, respected, and cherished like a true wife. If this man is not willing to fulfill his duties, I'm sure another man would be glad to and please you as well insha'Allah.

    -Amy Editor

    • Salam sister, I hope all goes well for you
      Inshallah! I agree with the posts above appears you've been wanting your marriage to work but the situation your in is not in
      Your control.. move on
      Inshallah ..don't ruin your life by staying in
      This marriage.. good luck sister

  5. divorce him. he is useless. he will not change. i wont be surprised that after you get divorce , he will marry again and repeat the same like these often do that.

    sis get out of this horrible environment and protect your son from all this mess.

    May allah grant you a husband who is caring and loving and knows how to look after a family.

  6. salaam,

    your mother in-law is a gold digger. the husband suppose to be suppporting the wife and child not other way round.

    get divorce there is no need to put up with it, if your husband aint trying to make things work then leave him. hes not worth it.

    ma salama

  7. Choose another way and be happy for ever

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