Husband does not want to have children yet
Asalam-o-alaikum sisters and brothers,
I have been married for almost 3 years, and I am in my 30's. My husband does not want to start a family yet. He always says he wants to have a better job before we can start a family. I do not understand his concern. He is already working, and it's a good job. He asks me if I wanted children so badly, how come I didn't get married at an early age.
I think he is not completely honest with me, and has some medical condition which he is not sharing with me. We have not come closer yet (no intercourse) and he refuses to get any tests done.
What should I do? My family and friends have asked me numerous times why I have not yet planned to start a family yet, but I just don't have any answer. I discussed it with few family members and always gets mixed opinions.
Please any sister or brother who might have gone through a similar situation, guide me. Also remember me in your prayers. Jazak Allah.
-Sister Aqua
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Assalamualaikum
I will answer this because I was once such a person and to some extent I still am but now I have two kids.
So when I didn't have kids I wasn't too enthusiastic about having kids. I just wanted to delay it as much as possible. I wasn't that type of person and I will list you all the reasons and it had nothing to do with a medical condition (that is probably a thought put in your head by Shaytan, he has a habit of putting disastrous fears in our heads without much proof).
1. I didn't feel my wife was ready for the kids and I feared that it will put a lot of pressure on me once we had kids.
(This actually proved to be true as my wife wasn't ready for kids even though she desperately wanted them. And it put a lot of pressure on me when I could have benefited from less pressure.)
2. I am meticulous planner. I plan things and given enough time I am able to prepare for the worst outcomes. So when I thought about kids, I knew that we were not in a position to be prepared for the worst outcome.
(My wife on the other hand is the spontaneous type and rarely gives a thought about planning things well ahead of time.)
3. I did not think that I was ready to be responsible if 'Allah tested us with a child who was not healthy.
4. On the other hand its my nature to take responsibility very seriously and I like to fulfill my responsibilities to the best of my abilities and I thought I am just not ready for the responsibility of kids.
(It turned out that I was not ready however I fulfilled my responsibilities but in doing so my job and my studies suffered.)
I even tried to tell these things to my wife but she did not understand them (now she does.) So we ended up having two lovely kids, and at some point she admitted that she was absolutely not ready for the commitment and struggled a lot with responsibilities of a mother, but eventually she managed it with the help from all of us.
Whatever happens, happens with the will of Allah and Allah knows what is best for us. But in my case at least it would have been beneficial if my wife had taken time to understand why I was reluctant. I wouldn't have been a crappy partner during her pregnancies.
So instead of second guessing your husbands reason for reluctance, talk to him about kids in detail. You will be cranky and grumpy during your pregnancy and you will need his love during that time. If he feels that you have imposed your desire for kids over him then he will be a crappy partner like me.
JZK
dear brother Naseer uddin
i think you have not understand the problem she said in three years of merried life never gone through the intercourse , thinking is some thing else , but the physical condition is some thing different , i request you read once again and then answer !
Sorry. I completely missed that sentence.
That changes the whole thing and makes my reply useless.
The moderators should delete my reply.
If there hasn't been intimacy then she needs to involve an elder (somebody who is wise, unfortunately age doesn't necessary imply wisdom). He needs to tell the husband that he is not giving his wife the rights. He will naturally feel offended and may become aggressive as it takes courage to admit that there is a problem in the plumbing department.
Getting the right person involved is the key to solving the issue amicably. It probably has to be someone from his side of the family but only his Dad is her mehram. If he respects her Dad then she can involve him but she needs to make this choice wisely. Avoid involving any females as they will not know how to resolve this issue.
The remote chance is that the husband of is petrified of kids and doesn't even want to risk impregnating her but that is really a remote chance.
JZK
Jazak Allah for your reply.
It's been almost two months since I asked this question ( but it got posted on the website now ).
In that two months period, I (as you said) involved my mother and father and told them about me being still virgin. They went through the stress of course, and talked with him and his parents.
Overall he stayed solid on his grounds and said things about me being not a good wife ( but he had no reasons he was only trying to protect himself because I got elders involved in the matter ).
As you said, he become aggressive, yes he became aggressive and thought that I shouldn't have told his not being intimate with me to others.
So to begin with, he didn't fulfill the duty of a husband and did not gave me the right of wife. I tried and think that i remain good wife and never disclosed any personal matters or problems to anyone, but now it was getting late and i started to realize that he is not straight guy.
Last month I got divorce from him. I m sad but I believe that he was not faithful to begin with and this marriage was only to come to Canada. He only wanted to be here and was never interested in getting married. As I mention earlier, I realized that he wasn't a straight guy so staying in a hope that one day he will be ready for a child wouldn't have been a wise idea.
Never thought that I would get divorce but these are all Allah's decisions. I tried to remain secretive for 3 years but had to speak and when I did the solution was divorce.
Jazak Allah.
Sister,
You have been through a lot and have been most patient. When the time is right, I pray that Allah will guide a pious brother your way.
Salam
salaam sister you need to speak with your parents and tell them that you have never been intermit couse of him
Yes I did spoke with my parents. And after discussing all the issues with him, we now got divorce.
Sister I do get blame of not telling this earlier to my family ( him not being intimate ), but I think I was trying to help him and thought that he will come closer. Not to mention that I did tried getting closer to him, but he always refused.
Any how I came to realize that he was not straight and this is how he is.
I pray Allah for forgiveness and pray for a better husband.
Jazak Allah.
Sister Aqua,
Please tell me I have misunderstood your post. Did you state that you have been married for three years without intecourse?!
Salam
Yes, three years without intercourse. So married virgin in a three year married life.
As I reply to earlier posts that now I got divorce from him.
Jazak Allah.
Hi sister aqsa,i am so shocked that youve been married 3 years and u havent had intercourse,is it ur husband who dosent want to? Hes a man and hasnt had intercourse with his wife?dear sister theres more to it,maybe he is not happy in the marriage,or was forced to get married or has a girlfriend.lets say ok he dosent want kids yet,he could have done intercourse with protection with u,he is not fullfilling his rights as a husband and not being honest with u,my dear sister u should talk to him and ask him some serious questions.
Yes, their was more to it. He wasn't being honest. When I demanded him and asked him that if he doesn't want children yet then why he cannot do protected sex for which he argued and blamed me of not being a good muslim wife. ( I demanded because I started to get feelings of him being not a straight guy ).
He wasn't a straight guy and he shouldn't have got married.
Any how, I ask Allah for forgiveness. Never that I thought that I would go through this tough situation, but Allah knows better and has better plan for us.
InshaAllah I will find a good husband and if Allahs' will I will be blessed with beautiful healthy children. Ameen.
Jazak Allah.
assalam alaikum sister
you sound like how i was..i was 29 when i married and i have had 5 children in 3 years and im pregnant with a sixth. i was working as a nurse had a career and traveling and living life..when i got married i was nearly 30..i still didnt feel ready for children.but i felt pressure to have them from m my family and my husband as he comes from a family of 16 children from ONE MUM AND DAD..I ALWAYS thought since i worked with kids in pediatrics and HATED IT..that i wouldnt be a good mum..and also i was scared of the financial aspect and i felt that i was too old at times to deal with it all..and seeing all teh complications that can happen first hand i was avoiding it.
i was NOT happy in pregnancy but in time Allah swt softened my heart. i feel your husband will be the same way. and 30s isnt too old to have children. these things are not planned by us...there are women that have children into their mid late forties.. your husband maybe just be a planner and just scared of all the responsibilty. Did you ask him of this before marriage? i don feel that it is right to bring children into the world if both people are NOT wanting to be parents as ..it will hurt the child to be rejected by a parent and its better to divorce and remarry someone who wants kids than someone who hates the idea..but for alot of people..pregnancy and childbirth they slowly warm too..as he inshallah will. talk to him about it. air out your concerns with him and see where his anxiety of fatherhood stems from.
Walikum Asalam sister,
Jazak Allah for your reply.
As I reply to earlier post that now I got divorce from him.
You are right we should not bring a child in this world if one of the parent doesn't want.
He wasn't interested to have a family and neither he was interested in me.
He loved children ( his siblings children ) but didn't wanted for his own.
I knew him for very short time before marriage and didn't had this conversation with him.
I don't know if having this conversation earlier would have revealed any intentions of him being not interested to have his own children.
Even now after marriage, when I started asking him to start a family, his reply was I don't have good job and I have to get a better job for which I need to further study. The study plan was for three additional years and then job. So he asked me to wait for additional three to four years.
And this was the time that I realized that all he is doing is passing the time with me.
Even asked for protected sex was an issue with him and he said I m not a good wife as such I m demanding to have sex.
Well, I pray that no girl ever go through this type of situation Ameen.
I married with good intentions and wanted to have a successful marriage, but to have a successful marriage the contribution is from both spouse and one can not drag this. In my case he just didn't fulfill his rights of a husband and didn't gave me my rights so end was divorce.
Allah knows better for us all.
Jazak Allah