Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband does un-Islamic things, while I fear Allah

"My husband smokes sheesha, watches TV, listens to music, doesn't pray, and married another woman."

"My husband smokes sheesha, watches TV, listens to music, doesn't pray, and married another woman."

assalamu alaikum wa rahmatallah.

i need help and advice regarding my partner. we married in jan 2003. since then i have a 5 yr old and 5 mth old.

i want to raise my children islamically. im finding that my other half is doing un-islamic things like not agreeing to send my son to learn quran, always putting tv on, putting music on in the home, not praying.

all this astaghfirullah i didnt notice until i got pregnant with my daughter. i started to practice my deen more, but he started to come home late, he got married to another woman without telling me. i was in my 40 days.

he runs from the house when anything islamic is on the tv or adhaan is played in the house.

i kept reading namaz istikhara when i was not treated right during my pregnancy. in turn i had dreams of my husand marrying another and it happened a month later and thing is i also dreamt of a practising muslim marrying.

i wanted to stay with my current partner in my heart. im so worried cos im not treated right and fairly in this relationship. while i was pregnant i wasnt. given my rights and i failed to do housework etc which led to issues. though now im on top of stuff and trying my utmost to please him, but he never is pleased.

i keep thinking i shud leave him for the sake of Allah - i love my partner though. i would cry a lot - i wud struggle financially.

what do i do? he argues when i try to please Allah. He's unhappy when I know im not wrong. he's happy if i let him carry on listening to music and do . are unislamic like sheesha smoking, making false claims. i keep asking Allah for help and i feel Allah has guided me to ask you. he won't see a therapist or counsellor. hes changed totally - strict and harsh since i married him out of own choice. am i wrong to seek advice? im coping with every hurt through the mercy and help of allah swt. I am a changed muslim. i fear Allah in everything.

- Distressed Wife

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31 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    hi how are you? sis after reading this i can understand the pain you are going through. in islam if a man aint giving his wife rights then it is permissable to seek divorce. i personally advise you to seperate from him cos not only is he not treating you right he also trying to mislead you and your son from the path of islam.

    sis rizq comes from allah, so dont worry. if you have tah-wakkul in allah, then surely he will provide for you. there are alot of good practising brothers out there who will treat you better, there is no need for you to suffer. i will pray for you hope things work out.

    ma salama

    • salam.yeah who wants to marry a woman with two kids says my current partner.he says you will get a mangi from pakistan.he can talk a-outme.he has told me to leave him seversal times.i stay cos of family and i find it hardto think of another man

  2. Assalam-o-alaikum

    i truly understand what you are going through... i have been into this trauma...we almost fight everyday and whenever i see him do some un-islamical will be an argument...sometimes,,i felt tired of the routine..but what i have done... i reminded him only,,,and just pray for Allah to guide our marriage and keep my husband away form this worldly things incuding internet surfing which is not beneficial to our religion. and i leave it everything there...i have done my part...remind them...coz its their be or not to be...coz they will be accounted for it on the day of judgement.... may Allah guide u always...

    brother ahmed,,,im sorry if i would comment on you..i am new on this site and i have read comments especially from you...thanks for all the advice coz its helping me also...but i just notice that always your introduction will go into divorce..i understand that the right thing to do...but please kindly consider the woman we are not westernized to divorce and easy as that...usually woman, eventhough they were betrayed and treated unequallly,, usually became martyrs and stayed with their husband...

    usually site like this and our other confidante serve just shoulder to cry on...but at the end of the day,,, the wife stiil struggle to work things out with the women are just vulnerablei n nature..

    my apology, brother ahmed,,,

    ma salam

  3. Dear Distressed Wife, As-salamu alaykum. Among everything you said, the one that threw me was when you said, "He got married to another woman without telling me." You threw that out, then never mentioned it again, as if it was just an aside, no more important than watching TV or listening to music.

    What happened with that? Is he still married to the other woman? Is he treating you equally? Is he neglecting you for her?

    Quite honestly I don't even know what to say about that, since you just tossed it out there without perspective or details. So I'll just do like the three monkeys (see no evil - hear no evil - speak no evil) and pretend I never heard that particular comment, and I'll address the rest of your post in general.

    Some of the things you mentioned are minor. The smoking, TV and music, these are little things. The most serious is not praying.

    Bu the fact is that everyone's Imaan rises and falls. Sometimes a person can be troubled or confused and hit a real low point. But as long as he's Muslim, and not committing any of what I call the "4 Deal-Breakers" (cheating, beating, drink or drugs), then you have to give that person time, patience and love, and set an example without nagging. I've seen brothers who were deeply loyal to the masjid and who then wandered off and got into dunya, but inside they still have that connection to Allah, and you know what? They always come back.

    You can't look at your Muslim husband or wife and say, "Your imaan is no good, I don't want you." What if he were physically ill, with diabetes or heart disease, would you abandon him? No? Well, what he is experiencing is a kind of spiritual illness, and your loyalty and patience are just as important.

    Sister, Insha'Allah you will always be strong and will gain constantly in Imaan, but what would happen in the future if you were to go through a bad patch? Would you expect him to abandon you? Or judge you and criticize you, making it worse?

    I have my own "Five Pillars of Marriage" that I invented. (I'm a writer so I come up with all these catchy ideas, lol). They are, in order of importance:

    1. Compassion or forgiveness
    2. Respect
    3. Trust
    4. Love
    5. Communication

    All are vital and interdependent, but did you notice that I did not put love first? I put compassion first because we are all imperfect, and if we cannot forgive each other and be merciful with one another's faults, no relationship can last. And I put respect second, because you cannot have true love without respect. And then trust. If those first three are present, then love can flourish and it will be a healthy love. And communication is simply the nourishment that sustains them, just as our three meals a day make it possible for us to worship, work and play.

    Try to be patient, and set a good example without pressuring or nagging him, and Insha'Allah he will come around. Make him feel welcome in his home, and loved, and he will be more inclined to want to please you in return.

    And Allah knows best.

    • walaaikumsalam. ahmed. Jazallah khair -rother for your advice.(the second letter of the alpha-et is missing on my laptop-my 5 year old )yes he is not fulfilling my rights and is going to his other wife more.he -lames me for making him angry so he got married again.wished me dead so many times.he says he is with me just cos of the kids.a 6 month old girl and 5 year old.i wish i could just leave him and i even had a drean that i married a practising man the pro-lem is my dad and his family want me to -e patient

    • august 2008 he introduced me to a russian asylum seeker telling me she will look after my son while i was working.i trusted him .heworked with refugees.she reverted to islam .i gave quran to my other half to give sis got russian and english translation.come sept 08.ihe started changing with me.i didnt understand.he wasnt nice anymore.i got pregnant and he started to say its not my child,i was so upset i told my family andinlaws whereas normally id keep it private.he came home late.i did not have clue that this old looking russian woman whom he told me was a fortune teller was one he married.i dont even know exactly when.i have had ver-al physical name it i have experienced it.all cos he is punishing me while he is suspicious a-out me and i am a practising muslim.someone trying to ruin my marriage thru magic and has nearly -een seven years our marriage .everytime i have child i get real serious prolems.he dunt care and forgive me.when i hav done nothing wrong to him thruout my marriage. i fear Allah .i am a faithful woman that is why i am trying to stay with him even when he is not just.

  4. Sis, i can see d pain u r goin through, i urge u 2 continue 2 make du'a 4 ur husband nd try to disclose this situation to someone he respected much so dat he may recieve some councelling nd reform. As 4 divorse pls don't try that cos u did not no d kind of man u gonna meet. May Allah bless us all nd guide us unto d straight path. Ameen

  5. asalamu alaikum,

    sis i understand why you still with him but you gotta realise a marriage is a two-way, there is no point in you trying so much when your husband aint gonna make an effort. sis your famiy said you to be patient, but how much can you take? its easy to say dnt worry he will change be patient etc but people dont realise the pain you are going through.

    from what i read it seems hes gonna change more cos you already said "he started to say its not my child"?
    ask yourself is it worth going through the pain for a person who doesnt care for you?
    sis there is plenty of good brothers out there who will be better for you, there is no need for the drama.
    at the end of the day its about your happiness so parents, friends etc have no say in it. do the thing that wil make you happy, cos i believe every woman deserves respect and need to be loved..........

    ma salama

    • salam.jazakallah khair for your kind islamic advice .I have to think of my six month old you know a practising muslim who wants to marry a woman with a five year old kid who cries for his dad and a little 6 mth old girl?are their decent men around?im scared that my fate will go with me and il suffer again.he will want rights over his children and i think he will make up things and leave me humiliated.he dnt really wana leave me,its acontrol thing.hes enjoying making me jealios -going to the other woman whom he told me at first that he doesnt love and started saying my looks are -etter and he loves me.yeah youre right a-out the drama.he is getting all his way.coming to play with the kids for 20 mins and not showing responsi-lity and trying to make out in not good .why is thatits the npractising mslims that marry more than woman and tha practising ones dont?il answer that one myself cos they fear allah and know they wont please Allah.justiceis needed.families think i was selfish in larrying him and itd -e selfish to hav a stepfather for the children.i dont know i just want all the muslims who read this to do dua for me.its really hard and i realy know no one is supportive when it comes to the alone in this.I have Allah swt and i put my trst in him . every time i have done istikhara i dont wana leave otherwise i do.divorce is an allowed action hated -y Allah swt. that is why i think i need to give it a chance.i havent -een a perfect wife all the tine may-e through my tears andpain i will gain rewards and my mistakes forgiven-y Allah azojal.this is how i think.sometimes i feel happ havin time to myself to pray,watch something islamic and pray so this mite overall -e good for my eman if not his.we all want paradise. salam -rother ahmed

      • Dear Distressed Wife, I wish I had time to write a longer response, so I will just say, be patient sister, and give him time. Try not to be so judgmental.

        Look at some of the other questions on this website. Your husband does not beat you like some of these men do; he is not a drug addict; he is not out there sleeping with different women. Be patient with him and give him time. Imaan (faith) rises and falls. Who knows, one day you might go through a difficult period and feel low in your iman, and struggle with your prayers. I hope not, but who knows? Would you like your husband to judge you and abandon you in that case?

        He leaves the house when something Islamic comes on because he feels guilty. He knows in his heart that he should be practicing. This is actually a good sign, because it shows there is still some faith left in his heart, otherwise he would not feel guilty.

        One sister here told you to leave him for the sake of Allah. I would say just the opposite: stay with him for the sake of Allah, because divorce is a hated thing in Allah's sight, and because Allah tells us over and over again that sabr (patience) is the key to Paradise.

        Don't nag him or hassle him about not practicing. Just set a good example for him and the children. Do your salat and let the kids pray with you. Talk to them all the time about Allah. For your husband, be a good wife to him, give him his rights, and let him see you praying and reading Quran, not in a self-righteous way but in a humble way.

        Allah is with the patient. Be patient, and Allah will be with you.

  6. mashaallah his family are good to me and the kids and i dont wana lose them.iknow he wud fdisgraceme and then they wouldnt want anything to do withme if we divorced.sometimes i feel like leaving other times i wanna stay.even when he is alittle kind.seeing him with the kids makes me the past helooked after me alot more than other men would do for their wives,he helped with hose chores,took me places,was kind to my family and did not expect me to cook all th time,he let me work.i feel tat i owe him for that,i may not hav appreciated it at that mite -e my fault.

  7. plus the tought of not having him in my lihe makes me very sad so how will i ever find happiness?my children will suffer

  8. assalamualaikum>As a muslim I cannot help -ut carefor my hs-and even though he is in the wrong.I married him f out of choice.i cry at the thought that he is leaning towards one wife ,the new one and attaining sins.this is the only thougt that makes me think shud i save him ffrom paralysis on the dat of judgement and let him go to the one he loves now and leave him.this is a great -ig sacrifice for me cos i still want to stay with him

  9. asalamu alaikum,

    sis there are brothers who will accept you and your children, the question is are you willing to give another man a chance?

    you also said in the past he looked after you? but what about the present? whats gonna happen in the future? i think he doesnt care about you the way he use to, otherwise you wouldnt be in this crisis.

    even if you find another man it is possible for the kids to see there father on a regular basis. you also wrote
    " divorce is an allowed action hated -y Allah swt. that is why i think i need to give it a chance"? but you gotta understand that in order it to work it needs to be done from both party otherwise it aint gonna work.

    i know your husband family are good to you etc but the person you like aint treating you right so think about your happiness?

    sis staying with him will cause you more pain since you know hes gonna spend time with the other wife, while you at home crying.....

    its a one sided love from your part but its upto you if you wanna stay, but if you interested ill give you a matromonial site which you can check out its called single

    ma salama

  10. brother ahmed i worry that i might never forget him. are you married?

  11. asalamu alaikum,

    sis i know its hard to forget the person you love, but it takes time. srry sis im married.

    ma salama

    • salam.i just wanted to know if you are talking out of experience.jazaksallah khair for all yor advice -rother.i dont think im ready to leave him .if Allah wills sumt it happens.if im meant to marry someonelse then that will happen and if im not then it wont.i need to makemyself a stronger muslim and trust in Allah

  12. asalamu alaikum,

    ok sis hope things work out for you inshallah...........

    ma salama

  13. salam , hi in this duniya u have decide to leave ur husband or stay with him

  14. Assalamu alaikum.. Jazakallah khair to everyone who cared enough and took the time to respond to my problem/issue.. I have just seen the responses now and seriously subhaanallah i hsd fprgotton that i had ever been on this website and asked for help and advice!! .. Truly it is difficult to take Anyones advice really until u really know how islamically knowlegable they are and what their experiences are but i know i was the one seeking help at that particular time . To be honest right now i feel very bad about openly discussing the matter and wish i did not write some of the things i did even though they are true.. I guess my emotions took over me .. I am very grateful that people have advised me .. Yes brother wael i agree thst one should not be judgemental and emaan goes up and down and i agree with sister z that we cannot judge someone and thectruth of the matter is a judge can only judge by knowing both sides of the story but jet i was the one asking for the help so u all voiced ur opinions based on ur knowledge. Alhamdolillah a few years down the line .. Im still on my own .. Have another baby and guess what mashaallah i feel that Allah swt is helping me ... Thanks to all ur lots duas.. Jazakallah khair .. I see everything as a personal jihaad for me .. Yes i have my ups and downs too and am definitely not perfect .. I just didnt understand what was going on with my husband and i still dont and dont think i ever will but i put my trust in Allah and every step of the way try to read istikhara in forming decisions and did want to leave and again i was blessed wth a child mashaallah . My purpose in life like the rest of us is pleasing Allah - mayb my purpose is to bring up my children and its not even about having a happy marriage but one that helps me be a good muslim.. If hevis not good for my deen and afterlife then im sure Allah will replace him with someone better .. Alhamdolillah iv just changed my outlook and think hasbonallaho wa nemal wakeel.. It has taken alot of shocks and stress to reach ths stage but i now think to myself ... Allah is truly with those who are patient . What is this life but a short journey .. The true abode is the afterlife and if through suffering i can attain Allahs pleasure thaen so be it .. Please u all do dua thst Allah azojal keeps me on the straight path and never lets me go astray .. And the same for u all ameen ..

  15. By the way i also value sister umaymas input and completely understand what she is trying to say .. Allah swt comes before anyone .. And he can do anything and can change anyones condition if one is willing to change that within themselves .. A response to brother wael .. I have not been nagging my husband at all .. On the contrary i have gone quiet and let him make his own choices.. He knows what is right and wrong .. Infact i do not think i ever nagged him .. I think i just showed i had better and higher expectations from him . Nevermind . Salams

  16. Salam again another comment i would like to add is that thr lady my husband married had reverted and mashaallah it was my husband had helped hercsay the shahada .. I hsd originally given the quran translation to give to someone i didnt know but my husband did and later he told me it was her.. This was beforw he martied her apparently so im hoping thats true and she isnt a fortune teller and to be honest im not even sure whether she was one .. It was my husband who said it but Allah knows the truth. I pray she becomes a practising muslim if she is muslim... And tells my husband to be fair.. I live on my own with three kids now and believe me in Allah do i trust alone .. My husband hasnt been living with me since nov 09 but has stayed out of the blue one or two nights .. Randomly .. Im not saying its easy.. But iv turned to Allah and Allah has made it easier for me to stay in the marriage regardless . Do dua that Allah guides my husbsnd to see sense and that he spends more time with his children most of all and pray thay i do not fall into the traps of shaitan myself while i live alone .... If from my prayers i sense that i must leave Allah azojal will help me im sure of it has been nice to be able to hear others views apart from those i know who all told me different things too.. At the end of the day this is my test.. Hope i get a phd !! Smile . Salam..

  17. Allah swt tests people with what they love .Allah has all rhe right to give and to take.. Inna lillahe wa inna alaihe ra je un. To him we belong and to him we shall return .. Im not focussing myself on what my husband does but i try to focus on what ido and whether it is for the sake of Allah .. Hope everyone realises that even a husband or wife are just there to test u . Everyone must check and see that they are pleasing the creator or the creation .. Ps. Im not distressed anymore- alhamdolillah mashaallah . This feeling is from Allah .. Even though my situation hasnt really changed.. I changed ..

    • As salamu alaykum, sister,

      Thank you very much for sharing your Light, you bring Hope to many of us.

      Yes, you have changed, Alhamdulillah.

      Jazak Allahu Khayran.

      María Editor

  18. Jazakallah khair i think mayb i spoke too soon that all of sudden i faced more hurt .. Nazar ., please all do dua for me .. It just freaks me out when the dreams/nightmares i have about my husband turn out to be a reality .. Iv experienced more hurt today. I hope allah swt helps me . Do dua for me brothers n sisters . This journey is a struggle.. Being betrayed is hurtful..

  19. Assalamu alaykum brothers and sisters in Islam

    Keep one thing in mind none of the scholars have permission from Islam to give they advice and opinions on one side of story, coz you never know what he or she did to bring they marriage to this point when it turn out to be disaster then start remembering ALLAH (swt) and start finding scholars, I'm not trying to pointing at any one I'm the live example I did what ever it took to make marriage worst first thing I chose wrong partner Muslim but (non practicing Muslim) I never thought of my generation or raising kids in unIslamic environment and then top of it I got kids with her after having kids nw I know my responsibility nw I start thinking about kids future how can I raise my kids in Islamic environment nw I stat putting pressure on my partner and she is not use to all this stuff but its a human nature if any one wants to give they advise and opinion they have to listen to both said of story that what Islam told and teach us to do so it will be better if we follow the Islam its good to see you guys wants to follow the Islam but missing basics.

    Brother and Sister in Islam no one can advice you better because no one have pain in there stomach we have pain in our stomach and there is only one solution to our problems and pains ALLAH (swt) give as much as sadaqat and wake up middile of the night and perform two rakat of Nafil namaz and make dua to ALLAH (swt) if you don't know what to ask raise your hands remember you problems and pains and cry that it ALLAH (swt) is the only one knows every thing keep doing it till he solve your problems
    Inshallah he will solve your problems in no time ALLAH is testing us to bring us close to him

    Please forgive me if I hurt any one intentionally or unintentionally may ALLAH (swt) help us guid us in very aspects


  20. Brother wael i think the name of this site is shoudnt be called islamic answers but rather islamic advice,because i dont think any body here is really qualified to answer questions of matters regarding islamic isues. or please get a shcholer(mufti)

  21. Assalamu alaikum , please could you do me a favour and edit and delete this whole article now!!!! it is infact embarrassing and i think stuff like this shouldnt be kept on site for this long .., at the end of the day these are personal issues which are being disclosed to the public eye and it doesnt feel right now and its like we are all taking part in backbiting and being judgemental to some extent ., and i was wrong - astaghfirullah may Allah forgive me - a wife is a cover for the husband n the husband a cover for the wife . So please delete the whole episode as i do not want it to be a source causing me to enter the hellfire . Jazakalah khair - truly i did not really want it to be published like this astaghfirullah and i was out of my senses trusting a website thats seems to make a show of others errors and mistakes astaghfirullah we should focus on good things and not interfere in others business and we should all do dua for every muslim . I love my husband for the sake of Allah and i want this erased just like one would want their sins erased from their book of deeds!! Astaghfirullah al-adheem . This would be so hurtful to my husband - please for Allahs sake delete all comments and article .

    • As-salamu alaykum sister. I find your last comment to be disappointing and ungrateful. We offered you so much advice, and not only once. You returned repeatedly over the space of two years to ask for more advice and we did our best. We do not know your real name, nor your husband's. And we take no pleasure in your difficulties. Now you say we are interfering in others' business? Astaghfirullah.

      I will not delete the post, but I will close it to further comments.

      Wael Editor