Islamic marriage advice and family advice

husband doesn’t care about my feelings

Broken Glass

It's been 13 years since we were married, and we now have four children. From the first year of our marriage to  now, he has been non-caring towards me, not talking to me, and doesn't own me. We have never been friends- just like room mates. I'm 33 years old. All day I look after my kids but he doesn't come. He's always sitting in his parent's room, and only comes for sleep and changing clothes.

When I asked about this misbehavior he said, "you have learnt nothing from here, you have never proven yourself, what do you think of yourself?  Look around at what I have given you. Instead of acknowledging it you complain. If I don't speak then it's your responsibility to make such an atmosphere at home. It's the wife's responsibility to please her husband, it's not a husband's responsibility to tell jokes everyday and do whatever she wants. I'm not a joker, always think before you speak with me, and don't ever compare yourself with my parents or siblings because their status is always higher than yours.

Your medical financing is not my responsibility. You should look at the time and at my mood before opening your mouth. We have a lot of differences. When I watch porn clips don't turn your mood off. When I flirt with other women don't switch your mood off, keep your mood swings aside. You should always be in a smiling mood, and if you're upset then go to your parent's  and do not share your emotions with me. Your level of thinking doesn't match with mine, but you have to do what I say and what I want because I'm your husband.

What do u think of yourself and who you are? You're stupid, you're naive, you live in a well and don't want to come out of that. You better look and watch me, and do what I say. What do you think, that you will change me, or can change my entire family-  how can you think that? That will never happen. Don't tell me how to do things."

This is what I have been hearing since our marriage. Now I am going to tell what I say and feel in dealing with all this.

I'm financially independent, but uspport him in some expenditures. I've been saying from the first year of our marriage "sit with me, share with me the things that bother you." I'm educated. I did my masters and got excellent marks. We had an arranged marriage. Every pregnancy has been torturous due to him because his mood got off during all of every pregnancy.

He makes fun of my family, but they don't interfere with him as they think that these relations are too complicated. In every situation when I asked my mother and brother, they have advised me to stay calm, have Sabr, and say prayers and one day he will change.  But it's not happening, he laughs and talks with his parents, siblings, friends, cousions but not with me. I'm alone living in the home looking after our kids.

I wanted to do a  job during the early days of marriage, but seeing  that he doesn't like it I stop insisting to do a job. All I do is the things that he likes. I offer my prayers, and don't hurt anybody. I don't go to parties, I have no friends, I don't do too much shopping, and I respect his parents. I'm simple- not a clever type of woman. I belong to a very respectable family with a strong background.

My self esteem is hurt too much. All he has given me is the feeling that I'm worthless, and he has shattered my self confidence. He has also said to his mother that he wants to marry again, but his mother admonished him by telling him to try to live happily with me and not to do another marriage. Now I'm thinking that my future is not safe, and he can marry. This thought is continuously irritating me. What should I do to save my future and bring my self esteem and confidence back to myself? Please help me and give me serious suggestions, because your suggestions can change someone's life.


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32 Responses »

  1. To be honest, your situation is not complicated - the complicated part is only your confused emotions as to what the right thing to do is, but to an outsider it's clear what the right thing to do is. The bottom of the line is...your husband is emotionally abusive, and he treats you like his slave. Yes, slave. Actually, he treats you worse than slaves, because slaves have better rights than what your husband gives you.

    Sister, he's saying it himself: in his eyes, you have no status, and he's not ever going to change. In my humble opinion, there's nothing to do for your marriage other than leaving it. Honestly, counselling isn't even an option here, because by the sounds of it your husband would never even listen to you if you bring the suggestion of counselling up, let alone consider it.

    Also, this man admits he's watching pornography and flirting with other women, and doesn't even feel an ounce of remorse for it. At the same time, he has no problem accepting money from you. So let's sum it all up: your husband is abusive, sees you as worthless, doesn't listen to you or wants to have anything to do with you, he doesn't care about any feeling you might have, he looks at porn, he is flirting with other women AND he takes your money. Leave ASAP. it's good you are financially independant, that means you aren't dependant on your husband providing for you - and you therefore really have no reason to stay in this sorry excuse of a marriage.

    • I agree. Leave as soon as possible. That man is a complete faasiq who doesn't deserve a decent Muslimah like you.

      You are still young. You could find a new husband who will love you, care for you, respect you, and recognize your higher status as a precious Muslimah, inshaAllah.

      • I agree. May allah swt give you the strength to leave your husband and bless you with happiness ameen

        • I was in similar situation. I am also 33 alhamdulillah. Wait a while and upgrade ur education first. If you are already educated ,then go to your parents house, get their support. Grab a job. And above all keep praying from Allah Tala to give u strength to cope up with it. Get out of this kind of toxic relationship, only if you think he cant change.

          Remember dua, education and parents support can be your weapons to fight with all this negativity.

          May Allah be with you Amen

          Your Pakistani Well wisher

        • My husband lil bit flirting with girls..doesn't care about me..m suffering breast teumors last 2yrs..he doesnt treatments..alwys passing the tym frnds ..also using line,fb n Instagram...he had no tyms for me..I hv 1baby...what should I do...
          Soory for my bad english

      • I agree too . He can not change .

    • i am in the same situation with that woman that her husband doesnt feel her .I am only 22 years old i dont have children we are together 2 years and merried 7 months ago.i thought since we will get merried we will staying together and we will have happy life because i was going to take care of him,cook for him,make him tooffee and whatever.BUT Since THE DAY WE MERRIED i BEGGED him to go with me to our house.THE very next day he take me to his sister house,until now we are living with his sister and her babies and her husband .Barely we go home alone.ONE TIME A MONTH for a night only and next day we are again back to his sister.Everytime im telling him i want to go home his is telling not today,just today,today no,today we have problem at work,today i feel sic,i feel pain my back.For One month im like a crazy insane woman who is only shouting and crying alone and watching the babies of his sister from the time i wake up until i go to sleep ALONE at the sofa.Even sex he is pushing me to make to the room to his sister while his family are in the next bedroom.He doesnt care that im telling him i feel uncofortable to make sex to his sister bed/house but he doesnt care att all.I dont have friends,i dont go clubbing,im asking for permission to go with my mother clubbing and this with fighting to let me go.
      i never cheat my husband .He always think somebody touch me or make something with me.I AM always trying to tell him i didnt make something with somebody but he is pushing me to tell him the truth.I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM!!!DO I HAVE TO TELL HIM LIES THAT I MAKE SOMETHING WRONG TO HIM TO BELEVE ME ONLY??????

  2. Assalamu'alaikom!

    How is his relation to the kids? If it's good then maybe you could try to engage him and them in family activities or conversations? I'm thinking that maybe some playtime with the kids would encourage him to be friendly with you, but there's no guarantee it would.

    I would love to help you and give you advice but no matter how I try I can't seem to think of a plausible solution.

    But I wish you all the best and I'll keep you in my prayers. May Allah ease your difficulties.

    • I doubt it. They have been married for 13 years and she even said that she's tried to talk and engage with him many many times yet he doesn't care. This man is emotionally abusive it's not safe for her health or mental well being to be around such a man... I wouldn't want any of my sisters or friends to be around such a man not in a million years. Inshallah she leaves him

  3. Sister, when you're 80yrs old inshallah, and all the kids are out of the nest, all that's left is you and him ,will this man be a caring companion? Think about it

    Leave while you still can

    الله اعلم

  4. Salaam sister! Your living a life of torture eveyday this is not marriage. Marriage is for peace and tranquility, both husband and wife have a responsibility towards each other and are bound by love. He should value you and respect you as an equal to the rest of your family, you have rights, you are his companion and the mother of his children !

    If he agrees to it then maybe try counselling or seeing an imam together to see if that will help? Also does he have any good friends/brothers who can be a good influence and help to guide him so that he realises what he is doing is wrong. Have you discussed your situation with your family, if so what is their opinion ?

    If you have tried evrything and he still has poor morals and shows no respect then walk away, at least show respect for yourself. You deserve better. This is no way to be treated by your husband, he sounds like a cruel man who lacks Imaan.

    Will keep you in my Duas.

    • Asklm....dnt lev him,keep faith in Allah..
      think abt ur kids...

    • I been married for 15 years for the past 6years my husband is changed we have kids he goes out in the morning comes back in the middle of the night if I ask so something I always wrong he doesn’t spend time with kids he doesn’t pray iam worrying about the kids what should I do

  5. OP: Your medical financing is not my responsibility. You should look at the time and at my mood before opening your mouth. We have a lot of differences. When I watch porn clips don't turn your mood off. When I flirt with other women don't switch your mood off, keep your mood swings aside. You should always be in a smiling mood, and if you're upset then go to your parent's and do not share your emotions with me

    Your husband is treating you like a slave in the name of religion.

  6. Sister

    The trials of life I don't think we're meant to b easy
    Patience is the key to paradise
    Allah subhanawatallah forbade oppression
    Get a islamic advisor involved and then take it from
    there, and speak to his mum, as she disagrees him re-marrying
    Maybe nchalla she is also a means for him to correct
    His actions
    Nchalla Allah swt will make ur situation beta

  7. a smart individual would remember this is only one side of the story , and wouldn't bash the husband based on her words alone

  8. Wow sister,
    Ur relationship is similar to mine, i can relate to u on many things.
    The guy i love does the same with me, he watches porn, abuses me verbally, cheats on me with other girls, and then when i cry and become sad, he calls me weak and says that I'm not a proper woman.

    What i did was, i wrote down my feelings and wrote how much he had hurt me, and told him how wrong he was, using islamic hadiths and ayats, because if he is a muslim, he will accept the rights Allaah swt have given women. I wrote a long email, and in the end of the letter i told him that i want to leave him. After that he was scared and he thought was going to lose me so he begged me to stay with him, and he would try to become a better human being.

    Sister, my advice for u is to do the same. Write down ur feelings and tell him how unfair he has been, and use Ayats and hadiths to support ur arguments... and then just leave him and go to ur parents house. Let him read ur letter when he is alone and think about how unfair he has been, if he feels bad and comes to u and asks for ur forgiveness then forgive him, but don't forgive him easily make him think about his mistakes, let him regret, if he does not do that, u should simply leave him for good because he doesn't really deserve u, and u r still young u have a life ahead of u. He is taking u for granted, men like that don't know the value of women like u. Even if he comes to u and apologizes, and u forgive him, don't be as nice to him as u r now. Expect things from him, so he doesn't take ur love for granted again and he should know that he has to keep u happy to make the marriage work. He should know his responsibilities as a husband and a man.

    I wish u the best sister, may Allaah swt help u insha'Allaah 🙂 <3

    • Assalamu alaikum....with other words some mens...they take...Islam a way of abusing womens...Culture..and education of that man is taking a very important his life as adult.. if he saw same treatment. towards his mother ...then he will do same.....towards his wife....and depends also...from which side of Islam is...Sunnah...Shia...I read..once..some books...where was saying something like..".the wife needs to obey the husband...taking care of his parents...and being his houshold...never go out ...never go haram...And all things like this...with other words...the wife..needs to be slave in his house....and that the only right she have is his right over her."....SUBHANALLAH....I have put that book honestlly...I cant believe ...some muslims..can write such books...So....many muslims read same book...and many books similar"how to win your husband heart"....and they believe is right to behave like this with the the book is islamic..Allah made it clear....for all muslims....WOMANS AND MENS ARE FREE AND EQUAL...isnt??? Allah give love through marriage to both wife and husband....and to live in peace and tranquilitty...and together to succed as muslims...and to win Jannah...and if the husband is not making happy ...or neglect his actually a big sin....and is Allah subhanu wa ta for you sister...and for all....Heads up...and walk away from those husbands...who does not respect Allah words and Quran...and take Islam as granded...Allah make us all strong..Amen...

  9. I wish you all the best and my husband loved each other alot before we got married but there was always this problem nagging at us which was and is his family and aside that he also has changed now he doesn't care anymore when I cry and doest help at anything. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and he is only physically there for her and not emotionally as well as for me. Currently I am depending on him as I am going to college and my parents started to hate him as well because the way he treats me. He has mood swings and what he wants happens if he feels happy we are all happy if not then we are all sad. I lost my self esteem and the love of life I have before. Every night I cry myself to bed but he doesn't give a damn. The only thing he says is that he works for us and provides for us that's it and I should appreciate that.
    I feel alone he was my best friend now we are just living together it breaks my heart because I love him and I wanted to have that beautiful life with him. I am blamed for everything.

    • I am feeling so sorry for you but here are some advises. This may help you. Build your confidence again .. take care of yourself.. means do shopping. Go for makeover. Have friends circle. Start making good food .. Start reading book. Etc. This will help you to pass life. Stay positive always.

  10. Assalaamualaikum...My husband and I had good relationship...Now he moved to gulf and we speak in Skype...The thing that hurts me is he always wants me to wear niqab (with hijab) while talking.... When ever I ask him....he replies I look beautiful in Islamic dress.....My question to you is in niqab only my eyes will be visible.....he has separate room with privacy over there....I too have separate room with privacy hurts me if he ask me to wear niqab covering my it means that he doesn't love my features

    • Hi my husband also abuse me verbally and don't care about me n my feelings he exausted me as much as he can I have 1 baby n he do whatever what he want he has time for his family but not for me he can talk with them he can solve their problem but not of me he says that u r not my family my family is just my parents n my siblings he don't ask me what I want or wana do he solve all the issues without me that relating to me if m in pain he don't care even he said that he don't care n even he push me back in bed n he strike me on my face n hand I just love him but he is not mine he don't understand even my superficial words he thinks as everything is money n nothing is needed in relationship

      • Assalamualaikum, sister, I m 26, I have 1 bby, boy, my husband quit good with kids and me ,but he doesn't want me to sex with him, he never approach me, if I go also he dntt interested, we had family problems also, he is not good with my family a ND I too not k with his family, we are loved marriage, he is telling let's live for son, no more, like dat, I feel very bad, wat is altrsnativ solution for me

  11. Women never get respect from a man. Allah should punish all men who make a women like hell. Ameen

  12. your husband has been so rude and mean to you.he has been fuelled by someone in your in have 4 kids ,if you can take care of them on your own financially and if you can afford a safe secure house or live with your parents with dignity, then you can think of leaving him.

  13. Salaam aleykoem,

    Can someone please help me! I am a 28 year old woman and married with two kids. I have been married voor 5 years now. I am busy wrapping up my bachelors degree. I live in holland so excuse my english. My husband and I have had a very bad marriage the first two years. He would do drugs with his friends everyday and flirt and have contact with other woman. Alhamdoulilallah he changed his ways. But since 1 year he is back at it. Looking a lot at other woman while i am standing next to him. Even walking towards the woman he likes to just stare and have eye contact with her. His mother doesnt like. She never did but now she just plain hates me for no reason. I was an adoptive child but they were abusive as well so with Allahs help i left them when i was 18. I have no one else no friends either. What should i do? I love Allah the most and alhamdoulillah my deen is only becoming stronger. Please please please advise me. A sister in need. JazakhAllahu khair he also does not respect me in any way. Screaming at me and belittling me in front of my in laws. Some of my jn laws did tell him to stop. But he just does not respect me. Only his mother and sisters.

    • Sister, you live in the Netherlands, you have opportunities for welfare and a job. LEAVE. HIM. This man shows you on a regular basis that you don't mean anything to him, that he doesn't value you AND that he is a druggie. Why would you want to stay with somebody like that? Ask a lawyer how to divorce and the payment methods and leave this mess alone. Sister, it seems to me that you don't respect or like yourself either. Because any woman with an ounce of pride or self-respect would not put up with this. I think this is what we lack as Muslim women, we think validation comes from our marriage and what a man does with us. NO. Teach a man that it doesn't matter who he thinks he is, you have intelligence, you have ambition, you have dreams and you have invaluable qualities that other man would grovel on his knees to have. Why would you stay with someone like that when another man out there is praying every night to have a woman like you? Marriage is a partnership, not a bond of slavery. He is treating you like a mule! But you're not a mule, you are a human being! Get out of here and get what you deserve in life! Why would you sollicit such a behavior from somebody? Youre putting your children at risk when drugs are involved. Give him an ultimatum: either change or youre out. If he laughs at you or beat you or doesn't care, wrap up your bachelor, get a divorce lawyer, apply for benefits and leave.

  14. Life is really hard for Women ☹️

  15. Assalamualikum sister

    We are married for 4 years and with 2 children ,I don’t want to complain about my husband but something is there which hurts me bad ,every weekend ( Saturday night ) he goes out with his friends and have a drink . And Every year we goes to our home country and from there he will go to international trip with his friends he don’t want me to come with him
    No doubt he will take me to other places for vacation but he wants his personal time to go with friends and have drink which is not acceptable for me I cannot tolerate if he avoids me .
    Is this happen with every women ? Is this common or I am the only person who overreacts ? Please advice me

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