Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband doesnt like my sister



sisters, arguing, fight, annoyed, ignore, girls, family problem

For this past few days, Ive been bothered because my husband doesnt like my sister.. My sister has an arab husband who promised her to wait for him to change her nationality into a saudi citizen. She has a daughter from her ex husband who she said, she needs to take care of, financially. She was working as a nurse before in Saudi, but since she got married from her husband they decided that she will wait for her saudi nationality in our place.. with my father and brother, together at the same house.. She often complain that her husband is sending little amount of money for theier needs.. So she asked me to help her financially. She also ask me to help her in her project every month, which Im really trying to do, though ALlah knows we have a very tight and limited income right now.

My problem is that, she wanted me to be obligated to send her financial assistance every month, which is Allah knows, for now I really cant. And she also wanted to work again so also asked me to help her apply for work in other country which I know her husband would be angry if she did it because he wanted her to wait for the nationality that hew promised.. But then, my sister now is in doubt if her husband is really processing her papers thats why she asked me to help her get a job so that she can financially support her daughther who is 11 yrs. old now..

The problem came in when my husband knew that she is always asking assistance from me.. He hates her because he knew that our financial resources are very limited right now and we know that we will be spending a huge amount of money for some important thing.. He also hates her because according to him, he should be financed by his husband and should be patient for the short comings that she has right now.. To the point that I have an arguement with my husband and to the point that my husband hates me that day, when I try to explain to him her situation..He doesnt like me to cover her up.. and he doesnt like me to entertain her that much because right now Im almost 7 months pregnant and he doesnt want me to worry that much.

Please help me. Am i right if Iill take my husband's advice for the mean time, not to entertain her that much since we also have financial short cmings? Im kinda guilty coz shes my sister and I wanted to help though Allah knows Im thinking how to.The last time she told me to help her financially.. Which few weeks ago, I send her money and the  rest.. my dad and brother.. I told her Insha Allah, but right now We are in a very tight budget and we even borrowed money from other people.. She didnt had a message then, until now its been few days shes not chatting me.. I have a feeling that maybe she is kinda upset for my replies.. But what will I do? God knows Im not financially abundant right now..

What will I do.. Please help.. Thank you and Salamualaykum!


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3 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I agree with your husband. Your sister should first be financially taken care of by her own husband. If there is a reason he is not doing so, that is a problem they have to find a solution for without involving others who are not under that obligation. Additionally, if her husband is doing his best to take care of her and circumstances beyond his influence or control are preventing that from being satisfactory, it seems to me that her brother and father (whom she is living with, according to what you're saying) are the next in line to help support her financial needs. Instead, it sounds like you are supporting them as well. Why are they not helping out? I also think that if there are no other options, she should go back to work to pay for her family's needs.

    The only money you have the final decision in spending is the money that is strictly your own- meaning you earned it from your own work wages or it came from an inheritance, dowry, or gift from others. If your husband gives you an allowance to spend as you please, this is also considered yours. If you really feel like you want to give your own spending money to her, that's your choice and truly your husband cannot speak against it. However, if you are sending her money that your husband is making to support you and your own household, that is totally wrong and he has every right to demand you to stop financing her. He has the final say in how the money he makes and supplies to your household gets spent, not you. It sounds like your family is already running a tight budget and since you are expecting a child, there are more expenses to come soon.

    I suggest you follow your husband's advice and let your sister work out her needs without involving you. It sounds like she is having other issues with trusting her husband to do what he's supposed to do, and that's her problem to solve not yours. You have your own marriage and family to focus on, and it's not worth letting someone else's troubles leak into your life unnecessarily.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Asalaam alaikum,

    I totally agree with Sister Amy. If you think times are tough now with your sister constantly getting you to send her money, then wait till your baby is born and you cannot afford diapers because of your sister's milking of your wallet. That is what your husband is truly afraid of: that his wife and child are coming in second place to your sister, which is a woman that he never married and thus, is not responsible for. As a wife, you need to understand that your husband chose you to love and to provide for you, and now he may be feeling betrayed that instead of having one woman, he inherited another mans problems. This will definitely be a cause of resentment for any man, especially since it seems his intentions are well meaning when he is thinking of your pregnant state and his unborn child that rests inside of you, suffering from the same worries and stress, in turn.

    Thus, when you sees you being taken in the middle of a situation that is not your doing, he feels it is doubly wrong, because of the precious life inside of you who is totally dependent on you: the mother for a stable place of sustenance and love.

    The best thing you can do for your sister is to suggest a friend that can help her find a job, instead of you. You may be able to casually help her in finding employment, but this is not your duty to do so and it should not cause you any hardship, stress or undue time. As a pregnant lady, your time is very precious and your plans should be focused on your little bundle of joy who lives inside of you, who will come into this world faster than you know it! Think about this, especially considering that Ramadhan will be around the corner during this time of being a new mother, as well.

    Ultimately, where the problem lies is with her husband and not yours'. Do not allow their marriage to destabilize, affect or hurt your own.

  3. Salam o alaikum,

    My advice in very simply words:

    1. DO as you are instructed to by your husband to make him happy - unless it goes against faith (in this case it doesnt)
    2. Be very gentle with your sister in explaining to her - she will rant on, aggravate and try to irritate you into doing the same, you owe it to her to be continously kind to her and refuse over and over and over.

    very imporatant: under no circumstances should your husband be subjected to any grief coming from you owing to your sisters demands/anger/enticements etc

    May Allah swt guide us all and give us patience.

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