Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband doesn’t want children, what to do?

Muslim children

Muslim children.

I have been married for 6 years and my husband still doesn't want children.

i feel I have been very patient. Before he used to tell me we should wait. Now he is saying he doesn't want any at all.

can anyone please advise me at what I should say. any Islamic texts or videos i can refer to, to show him?

do you think I should stay with him? i am very confused.

- sophie


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29 Responses »

  1. dear sister

    salaam

    have you tried to ask if there is a problem physically with him something that he might have inherited or other if not speak to your family or his i don't have much knowledge on this as it normally comes the other way were the women does not wana have kids in which case i know that husband has the right to divorce or remarry. i assumes it would be the same for a women if he has no valid reason, but sister i cannot see much reason for him to say he never wants kids other then if he has a a medical problem or STI but still speak to him unless there is an issue by were something or some one has put a fear in his heart but i suggest that you speak to him again if not speak to family as it is not fair on you either i know what you must be feeling as i have two children and would love to have another if i ever re-marry i am divorced.

    • Thank you so much for your reply.it helps a lot getting advice from other people as I feel I am on the wrong and go mad.thanks once again

  2. AsSlaamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Sister

    The desire to have children is the right of both the husband and wife. One of them cannot deny having children except with the permission and understanding of the other. And using the force to take this right to oneself is considered as infringing upon the others right.

    So if there is no good and strong reason why your husband does not want to have children with you, then it is makruh (undesirable or not commendable) for him to do this, and to some level it will be considered Haraam for him to do that. So I suggest you explain this matter to your nearest Imam, who can talk to him and determine whether your husband has a good reason or not.
    This act was practiced at the time of the Prophet (s.a.w.s), and the main reason for it was to prevent having a baby, it was known at that time as "Azl" (coitus interrupt). However Umar Ibn Khattab (r.a) reported that: "The Prophet (s.a.w.s) forbade the practice of "Azl" with a free woman except with her permission.

    You may benefit from the following views of the four schools of Fiqh on contraception.

    1- Hanafi School:

    Imam al Kasani, a scholar of this school states that it is undesirable (makruh) for the husband to practice 'azl with his wife (free woman) without her permission, because the intercourse that results in ejaculation is the cause for procreation, and she has the right to have children.

    2- Maliki School:

    Imam Malik bin Anas, the author or compiler of al Muwatta, the basic text of this school, says that a man has no right to practice 'azl with his wife (free woman) without her consent.

    3- Shafi'i School:

    Imam al Nawawi, a scholar of this school, explains that al 'azl is to engage in sexual intercourse, but prior to ejaculation (the man) removes (his penis) and allows the ejaculation to take place outside the vagina. He states that "this act is makruh (undesirable or not commendable), in any condition, whether the woman consents or not… But if his wife (the free woman) consents to it then it is not haram (forbidden) and if she does not give her consent, there are two opinions and the correct opinion is that it is not haram (forbidden).

    4- Hanbali School:

    Ibn Qudamash, a jurist of this school, says that practicing 'azl without any reason is makruh (undesirable of improper) but it is not haram (forbidden) … 'Azl should not be practiced with a free woman without her consent.

    Hope this helps Insha'Allah

    • Assalam o alikum...
      I too am facing the same problem. It's already been 1 year after marriage . He doesn't want kids . He keeps on saying it's too early. He doesn't give me any reasonable response and keeps on saying that we will have kids. But keeps extending each time. So far he hasn't even tried a single time for kids. I'm very worried that this will also lead to the same situation as this sister mentioned above. Also his family aslo doesn't give me any reasonable answer as well as the do not ask their own son that they need grandchildrens. My family thinks there is something wrong here. Nothing seems to workout. Please guide me I'm very confused with this situation. How long should i wait ?

  3. Salam

    sorry to hear this. You should involve the parents. Im sure thdy are enquiring about grandkids. May be they could get some sense into him. If he has a medical problem he should get treated fast!. You really need to get some answers from him. He cannot just withhold your right to have children. That is so criel.

    I know that men can divorce their wife if they cant have children or they marry another women. If he doesnt agree to have children then you can divorce him and marry a man who wants children. Or if you love him alot you can just adopt a child.

    But what your husband is doing is not nice. If the tables were turned no man would stick around 1 year let alone 6 years!

    Hope everything gets sorted inshallah!

  4. Try having a conversation with your husband regarding this matter as there may be missing pieces (he may have a genuine problem). You need to communicate with him.

  5. I agree usually women's don't want children these days then men, if it was aup to my husband we would have 10 kids by now, usually I'm the one that doesn't want them right one alhamdullah I have just one baby. I would seriously talk to him because 6 years is a long time and we all have to have kids in this lifetime. Insallah everything work out for you sister.

  6. Salaam sister,

    I am in the same boat as you and don't know what
    to do about it. I have been married for 8 years to a
    wonderful man who treats me very well, however,
    he says he will never have kids and never plans
    to either.

    His reasoning is that society is on a path to further
    destruction where the morals and ethics of everyone
    will just go downhill and by bringing a child into
    this world, we would be ruining not only his life
    but the generations that that child would produce
    in the future.

    No amount of rationalizing with him that our
    kids will turn out ok if we raise them as good
    muslim children has helped anything.

    Yes, the parents on both sides of our family
    have asked us when we will have kids and I
    can't tell them the truth as even I don't agree with
    it. I just say later. But I know that later will never
    come.

    I am starting to regret my decision at marrying
    my husband and have regrets for choosing
    islam as a faith since why would God allow
    me to be unhappy in my married life.

    I have wanted children for so long and feel
    depressed that I will never get to fulfill this
    part of my life. I have now gotten too old to
    have children and sometimes think that if I
    had just married someone from my faith, I
    would have been with 2-3 children by now.

    • Mary, Islamn encourages having children. So your problem has nothing to do with your husband's faith, but with his particular personality problems. Would it have been different if you had married someone else? God knows. Such fantasies are pointless. As far as your faith in Islam, either you believe in it or you don't. God does not owe you a happy marriage. Building such a marriage is the job of you and your husband. Refusal to have children is valid grounds for divorce in Islam, so if you want to divorce your husband I think no one would fault you for that.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As-salamu Alaykum, Mary,
      Is your husband open to the idea of adoption or foster care? Adopting a child would allow you to do something good for the world (thereby addressing your husband's concerns) while also giving you the blessing of a child to raise.

      • I thought adoption is not permissable as if its a girl being adopted she will be non mehrem to the father and if its a boy he will be non mehrem to the mother once they reach puberty???

        So is it a viable option?

        • Salam Sister,
          Although there are potential mahrem issues, I believe it is up to Muslims to find halal ways to adopt and raise orphans. When the child is an infant, these issues can be overcome by having the adoptive mother breastfeed a male child. If the child is a female, a female relative of the adoptive father (such as his sister) can breastfeed the child. Breastfeeding an infant a certain number of times establishes a mahrem relationship, and there are medications that can help women lactate if they have not given birth themselves.

          With older children, the situation may be more challenging. Perhaps single or divorced sisters could raise female orphans, while single or divorced brothers could raise male orphans. If a couple is married, perhaps they could raise the child until he or she reaches puberty and then place him or her with an elderly relative such as a grandmother who lives alone (of course, making sure to visit on a daily or frequent basis). Or perhaps the family could just arrange their living situation so that non-mahrems do not stay alone in the same space. If the adoptive mother wears hijab in the presence of her adopted son and always has a mahrem around, such as her husband or another male relative, things could work without too much inconvenience. Maybe they could even have a separate room/apartment for the child for times when the woman was alone. It just really depends on the lifestyle of the particular family and how practical it is for them to deal with these issues, how willing they are, etc.

          My feeling is that Muslims should really try to make adoption work as the reward for raising an orphan is great. I do not know much about the Prophet's (PBUH) adoption, but was he not married at the time? If so, how was the mahrem issue handled?

      • I know Prophet SAW adopted. But he adopted a son so no mehrem issues.

        As adopted children are not classed the same as biological children.

  7. Aslamoalaikum, I am also facing this problem , I have been married for 1 year, my husband is very caring and he loves me alot, I do love him as well, butt he don't want any child right now and don't tell any reason for it, I am really worried is there any dua for this issue

  8. Salaam alike sister
    My husband also refuses to have children for reasons of success and future finance stability. I have spoken to him many times but his mind is set and not willing to compromise. I am building up to leave him, I love him alot but I also love to be a mother again (I have one child from previous marriage). My husband is not giving me my rights and in some context his actions are makrew. Please sister think carefully and if you cannot live with his decision, then make your own.

  9. I want to ask that I already have kids from my first marriage(both wives with me) that is 4,my second wife already have a boy from her first marriage.we both have children,if i refuse to have more kids with any reason then?comment

  10. I am recently married and will divorce my husband because I don't want any children. I don't want ruin my life and my body.

    • Shouldn't you have told him this before marrying him?

    • Children do not ruin anyone's life--having children allows a person to think beyond their nose and experience the opposite of selfishness in a very unique way. Granted, you may not want children, but to suggest that they will ruin your life and body is rather saddening. If you could experience the moment when a helpless little baby lays in your arms all dependent on you and loves you unconditionally, you would neither care about your body or your life the way that you do now---in fact, you may even start to care about your body and life MORE because of a child. Anyways, I agree with Amna, you should have mentioned all this to your husband BEFORE you got married.

  11. Assamoalikum sister Ameera I just want to ask if ur mother would thoughat same that having childern will ruin her life and body then ????? Wht abt ur life and ur body???

  12. Salaam alykum,

    I have been blessed with 2 beautiful children, mashAllah. My husband also has a daughter from before our marriage. I am so grateful for what Allah has granted me but I have a strong desire to have a third child. Unfortunately, my husband definitely does not feel the same. He says that he wants to focus on the 2 that we already have and having another one would disadvantage the whole family financially and time wise. I keep trying to get this desire out of my head and stop thinking about what I want but I am finding it so difficult and so saddening to know that there will never be a new addition to our family again.

    Salaam

  13. Salaam,I already have two children mash'Allah and now I'm pregnant with my third child alhumdulilah . I've been very stressed recently because my husband is against the 3rd child. I've spoken to him about it and explained that it wasn't up to me and it's a blessing from Allah.he insists its my fault ..he clearly said he's not ready for another responsibility and doesn't want a baby(alhumdulilah we have no financial difficulties ).i will never get rid of this baby as it's the best blessing from my Allah. I just don't know what to do !i'm 10 weeks pregnant .please advise.
    Thank you

  14. Asalam alikum I want another baby ive or easy have to girls 1ns 8yrs n 2nd 6yrs but my partner jus doesn't want another child don't understand please need help

  15. Assalamu alaikum sister

    IAM newly married it's been just 10months ago...
    And IAM.studying in college.. I feel I don't know to have baby right now... But my husband says he wants a baby... I don't know what to do...IAM confused...that . ..if I deny to have baby now.. Am I doing a sin ? Am I not obeying him ?
    Plz do answer me

  16. Salam

    The story is always different when it's comes to men uhhh.. those advicing this lady to be patient would be the same persons to tell the man to take a second wife if it were the other way round. Why can't she also divorce this man and move ahead.

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