My husband and his family constantly criticise me and have stopped me from talking to my family.
I am married for 5 years, blessed with a daughter. I am Christian and I know should not get divorce for my daughter's sake. But my husband hates me, abuses me, swears at me, asks me to earn more, curse me that its because of me that he is having financial difficulty. He even curse at my parents and siblings that they urge me to overspend his money.
His mother is staying in our home and leave no stone unturned to make my husband shout and yell at me. I cook, clean, wash, do laundry, look after our daughter apart from working full-time. My husband bring me home from work and then start his wish list that what does he wants for his dinner and why it's so late. He humiliates me in front of others that I have no aesthetic sense (SALEEQA), he calls me rubbish and that it is unsafe for our daughter to be with me.
I am an mBA and was working since I finished my study. and have been working continuously since the day I'm married. But my husband might have worked for only few months since we have married. He is an all time shouter and abuser. I don't know what to do. He doesn't like it if I speak to my parents and family. He even had an argument with my brother and swore at him as well. He went to his uncles and they made a decision about me that my family is making me do wrong things so I shouldn't be allowed to see them or talk to them. They said my husband is allow to see his family as this is our culture (pakistan) and I should look after my mother-in-law and she will stay with us as this is our culture too.
I want to have another kid but my husband doesn't want it as he thinks we are not financially stable but on the other hand he can support his mother, his brother and his sister. My husband's mother was divorced so it is my husband responsibilty to financially support his family according to him.
I really don't know what to do?????????
I have never discussed anything with my dad and he loves me to bits. The moment I tell him he will go into a shock.
3 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams,
It sounds like you're playing the "lesser of two evils" game. You don't want to leave because it would be painful and require a lot of adjustments in your life, but you aren't happy in your marriage because of the way you're being treated. You don't really want to stay with him because you find something good about the way he treats you, but you stay with him so you don't have to deal with the hassle of re-establishing your life as a single mother.
It doesn't really matter what his reasons are for his verbally abusive behavior...culture, family, tradition, religion....none of that matters. Abuse is still abuse and it is not excusable. Do you deserve to be treated like this? NO. Will he change and start treating you right? Not likely. If you stay in the marriage will it be worth it in the end? Probably not.
There is nothing to say that he won't eventually treat his daughter and any future children just as poorly. I hate to say it, but there are trends in pakistani families that treat children as pawns and before you know it, your daughter could be the subject of a forced or arranged marriage or even verbally abused herself. Long story short, there's nothing in your future if you remain with him that is worth the pain of what you are going through.
If he wants to take care of his mother and his family, then I say you leave him to do just that. If you are close to your father, confide in him even though it will seem a bit shameful. In reality he probably really cares for you and will do whatever is needed to help you extract you and your daughter from that situation and move on into a life that is free from this stress and abuse, and where you can rebuild your lost self esteem. You have an education and a job, so you are in a fantastic position to rise from these ashes. Do it for your daughter, and do it for yourself. Trust me, you have more of a future to look forward without him than with him. It will be hard and painful at first, but in time you will find that the pain is eased and you are feeling so much more confident and at peace. If you stay with him, you can only expect to lose more of both.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hello Leah,
Sister Amy gives a very sad assessment of your situation, but it's an honest one. When a man fails in his husband duties, alienates his spouse from her family and abuses her, he no longer considers her a wife and instead, treats her like an object and a slave. This is shameful for any man to do, but especially for a Muslim husband to commit. I pray that you do not hold the religion of Islam responsible for his behavior. This is then, a classic case of projection wherein he is blaming you for what he refuses to see in himself and so, the fault is really with his shortcomings.
As Sister Amy suggested, your best recourse is to leave this man and contact your father for help. Every father should love his daughter enough to save her from oppression. It sounds like your father would do the same for you, so please place your trust in God and seek your father's help to escape.
Also, it's worth noting that having another child will only make this situation even more dire and difficult. Wait instead for your life to improve free of spousal abuse before thinking of getting pregnant again.
Leah,
Why on earth would you even consider having another child with this man?! You are correct...if your father knew of your situation, he would be at your front door and rightly so! Why is it that you are willing to live this way? What makes you think that you have to accept this life you are living? You have an MBA so I know you are an intelligent woman so, why are you still there? Pick up that phone and call your father. Go to lunch...go somewhere where you can speak freely. You may want to make your marriage work love but it takes two people within the marriage to do that. Your husband is ugly and abusive towards you and from the looks of things aren't going to change anytime soon.
Chances are at this point, your self esteem is lower than low. Pick up that phone and call your father, it will be the best phone call you will ever make. Don't look for reasons not to call him because at this point, there is none. You don't deserve to live this way and unless you are willing to make that call and get family involved, you will continue to live the way you are. Don't hesitate or over think things, just make that call.
Salam