Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband has a boyfriend and loves him more than me

upset muslim woman, distressed sister

Aslam o alikum,

My husband has no interest in me. He does not like to talk and spend any minute with me. We live like strangers. When I complained he starts shouting and beating me.

He has a friend, he loves him a lot. He ordered me to cook food for his boyfriend every day. After 6 month i said him i am tired now i just cook for you and me. He started shouting and said no grocery will come any more if you do not cook for my friend.

He tells a lie all the time. He tells me he is going on job and then he will go to his friend apartment and spend there all night. Some time whole day my husband lies to me. I did not meet my friend from three days. I know very well he already goes there, I find his car every day and night time close to his friend's apartment.

One day I request his friend please go away from our life. Next day he told my husband and my husband beat me and said get out from my apartment.

Plz tell me what can i do. I am in stress. Today also he came to home and ate and say I have a job. I see his car close to his friend apartment. Plz plz give me advise. I love my husband but he hates me.

- hina

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7 Responses »

  1. Salam sister

    Reading your post made me upset on how he is treating you. I dont undertstand that much of the question is this friend of ur husband just a friend? or he is in a homosexual relationship with ur husband?
    If his a friend tell your husband you don't like what his doing is a kind voice and show him you love him and care for him and you need him and you would want a future with him. If there just friends let him hang out with his friend but ask him to spend time with you aswell

    But If his in a homosexual relationship, I think should tell him that homosexality Is A GRAVE SIN in ISLAm and that he has a wife to care for him and give him his sexual pleasure. you must tell him that if he is going to continue this relationship you will leave him, and if he doesnt care then i suggest then you should leave him its terrible on what he is doing not only cheating on you but doing homosexuality acts. Tell him your future that you want kids and want to leave with him and ask him to spend time with you. If he doesnt listen you must leave him, he is clearly is getting deluded away from islam and following his own desires.
    Sorry that i havent gave you that much advise but hopefully it helps
    Editors may give you more better advise
    Insallah allah will help u

    • I just reliazed the question that your husband is in a homosexual relationship and i recommend talking to him and if he doesnt listen then i suggest you should leave him.

  2. Assalam-Alaekum,
    Sister, I hope you know what you are saying. If 'boyfriend' is a taunt or you are upset on your husband not spending time with you then its a separate issue. But from what you have written, I think you consider your husband to be gay. If your husband is gay and sleeps with his boyfriend. Then its simple get divorce from him and find a good muslim man. Do not be in such a misery and do not provide a cover to his gay life. If what he is doing and he thinks its right then simply leave him. There are many other good muslim men out there.

    I seriously do not understand how can you love a person when he/she is flagrantly disobeying Allah. As a muslim our first and foremost love is with Allah(s.w.t.) and if a person is disobeying his orders without any remorse or shame how can you love such a person. Sister think about it and if your husband is sleeping with this man then leave him but confirm your doubts first. It is simple.

    May Allah guide us all.


  3. salam sister

    its so sad that you're going through this. But the real question you need to ask yourself is why you are putting yourself through this?
    If he is providing for you, looking after you, making sure you get food and a roof over your head is not good enough for you (and it would'nt be for any normal woman) then I don't understand why you are with him. these material things don't make up for lack of emotional support, for lack of intimacy.

    Don't be so weak, stand up and look him in the eyes--demand your right. Even from your letter here you sound sooo downbeat, so miserable,but why let him walk all over you.
    I'm not suggesting tht everytime there is a problem in a marriage people should walk out of it. But I am suggesting that you need to communicate with your husband on your terms!
    Please sister, don't put up with his violence. that alone should make you want to walk out- Give him an ultimatum- either he mkes an effort to sort out his marriage or you'll leave.

    But don't ever put up with his violence- get your family involved. if needs be report him to the police about his violent behaviour towards you.

    pray to Allah that he resolves your issues.
    Good luck.

  4. As salamu alaykum, hina,

    Thank you for sharing and please forgive me if I am harsh with you, but the first thing I am going to tell you is that a person that beats you, betrays you, lies to you, you can love this person unconditionally, but better in the distance, a husband is someone you can trust, you can feel confident with, you can share life, .... and the bonds are unconditional respect, love,.... at least, your relationship lacks of any little bit of these basic blessings.

    You are young and strong, talk to your family if you can, if you can´t, try to find the way to stregthen yourself, when you are sure about what you want to do, do it, don´t tell him before you are with your feet firm on earth ready to go, you don´t want to wake up your rage against you, if you are scared of him, go to a place where you feel safe and look for help. If you need to call the police, do it, insha´Allah.

    Please, he doesn´t love you, he just uses you for his benefit, get out of that hell and give yourself the opportunity to live a healthy life with someone that really loves and respects you, we all deserve this, please give yourself that chance, insha´Allah.

    Please, don´t stand one minute more his abusive behaviour, it is your turn to take decisions, do you have anyone to help you? Don´t accuse him of being with his friend, stopped talking about him, he may get scared of you talking to someone about that. This man is agressive, careful with him.

    If you need help to recover from what you have gone through, ask for it, there are people well prepared to help you, insha´Allah.

    While you take a decision, please do your salat on time, make duas, talk to Allah(swt) to guide you through all this suffering to get out of it, step by step, ask him for the best for you to fulfill your task in this life, you will be stronger and you will be able to stand by yourself and take the right decisions, insha´Allah.

    May Allah(swt) fill your Heart with Light, Love and Compassion. Ameen.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  5. Asalamualaikum
    separate from him......keeps the separation for a while and give him time to change.....if he doesnt change then take divorce (khula)....dont give him the satisfaction of leaving you.......take the first step and hit where it hurts, it might open his eyes otherwise you ll end up hurt and miserable..
    make dua inshAllah

  6. Whether it is a platonic relationship with a friend or a lover, is not clearly stated... But the fact that he is treating you bad is un-acceptable. You need to sit with him and have a really good talk but with a mediator... like some religious leader in your area. Work it out if you can... maybe it is something you are doing/done wrong or something going on he does not like. Could be a communication problem that needs to be out in the open... and once you clearly know the whole truth, then you both can decide as to what to do. It might be a great beginning or might end up being the end of your relationship. --Pray to Allah that you can work out your marriage, for this is what you really want... !!! Fight for your marriage - but - do not allow him to take advantage of you any longer ! Good Luck and may Allah guide you .

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