Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Converted Muslim girl in relationship with Saudi man but he hasn’t told his family about us

muslim couple

Salam 3laikum.

I am an American and converted to Islam about one year ago. I'm a divorced mom and met my "husband" about 6 months ago. We are in a mut'ah marriage which only his brother who lives here and some of his friends here know about.

My husband is Shia, is originally from Saudi Arabia and is a student here. I am also several years older than him. We only depend on each other for love and support and expect nothing more from each other (no money, citizenship etc...). We are both incredibly in love with one another and he tells me constantly that I am locked up deep inside his heart with a key and he will never let me go. He tells me that he will never find another girl who expects nothing but love from him or a girl who gives and gives her heart and expects nothing more than love in return. When he goes back home to visit, we fall asleep together nightly on skype because the satisfaction that each other is "there" is very comforting for us. I've never felt a love like this before...it's more than words can describe.

We have talked about marriage and he got a little teary eyed and said it's not that easy for him and that his family would never accept it because I am American and not Saudi. I told him that it's Allah that he has to please first and then himself and his parents and that perhaps if he explained how he truly felt to his parents then they would be understanding of everything.

I just don't know what to do. Should I move on and search for another husband? Is there a way that he could approach his parents and tell them about us? I never want to separate him from his family. I always want him to have a good relationship with them. But I still can't figure out what am I to do... I even offered to move back to Saudi or another Muslim country with him one day after he finishes school.

But he says that even if he goes back there with me his parents would still never accept our marriage.

I also encouraged him to get a second wife who is fom his home but in tears he again said his family would not accept it. He says I just don't understand the culture. How do I truly express myself to him? And how do I move on without him? Or how can he talk to his parents about us? Please help. I'm so in love and so confused.
Shokran

Salam 3laikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh 🙂

- Zahra

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8 Responses »

  1. Sister Zahra, wa alaykum as-salam wa rahmtullah,

    You have to end this illegal and illicit relationship immediately. I realize that some of the Shiah scholars have allowed mutah marriage, however the Sunni scholars universally consider it to be haram (forbidden). And even among the Shiah scholars in Iran it has become a controversial issue due to the corruption of the institution of marriage for illicit purposes.

    You yourself realize and acknowledge that your "marriage" is not real, which is why you put "husband" in quotation marks. So by the judgment of your own heart, your relationship is illicit. Your marriage meets none of the requirements of marriage in Islam, including the presence of witnesses, payment of the mahr (dowry), and publicizing the marriage. You are living in a state of sin with this man, committing fornication with him.

    This man may indeed love you, but at the same time he is using you for companionship and for sexual pleasure. He has no intention of marrying you properly and he has told you so quite plainly.

    I think it's quite bizarre that he tells you "that he will never find another girl who expects nothing but love from him or a girl who gives and gives her heart and expects nothing more than love in return."

    Well sure, what a sweet arrangement. He gets companionship and sex and doesn't have to bother with all the duties and responsibilities of marriage. He doesn't have to be honest with his parents, provide for you, have children, build a household and a future together, make a true life commitment... he's on easy street. He basically telling you, "It's so nice that I get everything I want from you without a commitment or having to give you the respect that a real wife would expect."

    One day he will go back home for a "visit" and then he will tell you in a phone call that he has become engaged or married to a Saudi girl. Count on it.

    Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if you end this illegal relationship, he will stand up and be a man, and tell his parents about you, and ask you to marry him properly. I would be happy to be proven wrong, but I doubt very much that I am.

    It's unfortunate that you have had this experience so soon after converting to Islam. I wish you could have met a real Muslim man who would have taken you as a proper wife and treated you with respect.

    I always have the greatest admiration and respect for people who convert to Islam. They often face difficulties and controversy from their own families, they must have minds and hearts open enough to embrace a new worldview, they are dedicated to Truth above all... It's a brave move, ma-sha-Allah. In converting, you acknowledge Allah as your master and the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as your guide. You pledge yourself to a new lifestyle based on purity and taqwa. You are very courageous.

    Let that courage be your guide in the coming days, Insha'Allah. Do what you know is right, and seek your strength from Allah.

    Best Regards,

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. salaams,

    first of all let me say that obviously I feel for you and your situation, but at the same time i am concerned about your relationship with this man.

    you say you are in a mutah marriage which is from what i believe is actually haram, it was prohibited during the prophet's (SAW) time though is still widely practiced today. Remember a woman and a man who are not mahram for each other cannot be alone together,
    you say that he deeply loves you, which i do not doubt, but don't you think if he truly wanted to be with you he would have spoken to his parents right away? has he tried to? i grew up in (and out) of saudi arabia and though like every part of the world they have their ways, culture and traditions etc, if they are true muslims they should see past, race, colour etc

    maybe it would be best if you limited your contact with this man, i mean really limited it. it will be hard because you are in love with him, but it may be for the best. you aren't officially married to him and obviously you don't want to fall in to sin.

    If i was you I would really sit down and take a long hard look at this situation and evaluate what you need, as regards to what you seek in a husband, the other half of your religion, the person you will spend the rest of your life with, the father of your children, your spouse in the hereafter etc, obviously you want someone who will welcome you into his family with open arms, not saying your guy wouldn't do that because maybe he's scared of his family rejecting you and then having to choose between you and them, but you cannot live your life on hold like this-waiting and wondering-because its obviously having a toll on you.

    Remember Allaah doesn't burden a person more than he/she can bear, be paitent dear sister and Allaah will answer your du'aas and make ease for you.But That could mean you letting go of this brother and moving on and eventually after your heart has healed marrying a brother who will be everything you wish for InshaAllaah.

    May Allaah resolve your situation and bless you good in this life and good in the next. Aamiin.

    All the best, my dear sister.

  3. Assalam-o-Alaikum,

    First of all sister congratulations on becoming a muslim. May Allah make this reversion easy for you. From your question it looks like that although your mutah partner is shia but you are not.
    I don't know which sect you are but I shall only say that if you are a muslim than mutah marriage is haram in islam. All sunni Ulemas agree on muta being haram.
    I don't know how much you know about woman's right in islam. But in my understanding islam gives quite high status to a woman as mother,sister,daughter and wife and very strong rights. Think for yourself that how can such a religion allow a lust based relationship, where 'wife' of a mutah has no rights, she can be used as an object and left out after it. Sister I can only say that its a haram relationship and you should break it as soon as possible.

    Here is an answer from another site which uses ahadith and quran to show that muta is haram in islam:
    http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/20738/muta

    Here is a christian lady who was in a similar situation and was told by some deceiving guy that muta is fine:
    http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/6595/muta

    Sister please use some common sense, this guy is using you for satisfying his carnal desires and companionship needs and will leave you once he does not need you. Please sister leave this haram activity and com out of this relationship and if you want establish a halal relationship with a muslim man i.e. (nikah) Islamic marriage.

    And may Allah guide us all and make it easy for us to follow the right path.

    regards

  4. Sister he sweet talkin you and using u!! Believe me it doesn't sound like he wants to marry u ever. He gonna get his documents from u and then dump u. Before he does tat u should end tis, and stop bein tricked by his lovey dovey talkin. Wake up and smell the coffee. U do not need this. Tell him, what we are doin is harram and if u can't marry me legally, we should end it then. If his answer is still no or if he says give me more time, then he is playing u. If he truly felt the way he speaks to u, then we would of been married u. And not use his family as an excuse. Allah has someone better for u. Repent and ask for forgiveness and ask to b guided in the right path. Inshallah Allah will guide u.

  5. I agree with what everyone has written. You speak of trying everything to make it work, but he hasn't even breached the subject. If he respects you he would've at least brought up the idea of looking for a woman aboard, he doesn't need to tell them who you are or cause other unneeded drama, just to see if it's possible in the slightest. Legally it's a pain for a non-Saudi citizen to marry a Saudi citizen as well, so even if his parents agreed they would may want you to move to Saudi and moving there would be so much trouble. If you do continue this relationship with this man (or anyone else for that matter) and it requires you moving to another country, I would recommend looking into their laws. I'm not ignorant/prejudice, I know converts from the UK move to Yemen with their new husband and enjoy a very happy life there, but moving to another country is a very big step, may it be Lebanon or Norway, and it should involve more than a man unless the situation in your home-country is too stifling (war, famine, too secular, no jobs, etc).

    Temporary marriage IMHO has no place outside Iran, regardless of it's legality by scholars (or non-legality I should say by the post here) as it's .. useless outside the Iranian legal system. One of it's uses is "...to become mahram with somebody with whom they do not intend to cohabit or have a married relationship, but with whom they spend a lot of time (i.e. share a car). For example, your neighbor and you grow up together, get married, and she has a kid. The kid is now 20 and you're 45 and everyday you drive him to work. In Iran this act would be illegal thus people find it necessary to do nikah mut'ha to get around it. You don't need to worry about stuff like that in your country, so he shouldn't of brought it up.

    You sound like a nice girl who would make a kind wife, you should find a man who respect this and gives you all the rights the other posters mentioned. I'm not wise about the mechanics of it but in the Nikah you can fight for more rights as long as they don't break any Islamic laws.
    ___
    I know I'm not suppose to ask questions, but I'm confused on how this isn't a Nikah Misyar (المسيار). I know shi'ites and sunnis have different laws, and there seemed to only be one witness(the brother) in the post, but Zahra doesn't mention the contract being fixed. Isn't Misyar what is used when people go aboard and are worried about committing zina so they marry to make it halal? Is Misyar halal? If anyone of you could just give me a link, it's difficult for me to sort through what is junk as I'm not wise, to make me understand I would greatly appreciate it.

  6. Well, if you really in love with each other but in the process that it's against all odds to the guy's side, then that should be stopped while it's still early. You won't experience peaceful life after you insists what you felt for each other. Muslim culture is really different, if you really do love the guy then you let him go as well as him, he should let you go while it's not yet too late. Love hopes the best for the one they loved even though it kills them. I know it really hurts and so hard but think about the future for both of you. It won't really work since the guy seems afraid of his parents. I know you still can find someone whom to love and loved you in return. As for now, let go and move on while no harm has been done yet.

  7. We are in a mut'ah marriage which only his brother who lives here and some of his friends here know about.

    Ok i'm going to be completely honest with you and i really hope you don't get offended!! this is just how im seeing it and it may be wrong!! Hun look at the sentence i've highlighted above!! Your in a temporary marriage with this man so he can satisfy his sexual and physical needs without providing you a stable, committed and permanent marriage as is needed in islam!! His family don't know about you, only a few of his friends!! thats a huge flag!!

    For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met:

    1) Consent of both parties.
    2) "Mahr" - a gift from the groom to the bride.
    3) Witnesses.
    4) The marriage should be publicized. (It should never be kept secret as this can lead to suspicion and troubles within the community.) *

    *This is something i have found online

    We have talked about marriage and he got a little teary eyed and said it's not that easy for him and that his family would never accept it because I am American and not Saudi.

    He's pretty much telling you that he's not going to marry you in a halal way!! you deserve to have a relationship that's honest and out in the open and he's bluntly telling you no!!

    I never want to separate him from his family. I always want him to have a good relationship with them. But I still can't figure out what am I to do... I even offered to move back to Saudi or another Muslim country with him one day after he finishes school.But he says that even if he goes back there with me his parents would still never accept our marriage.

    I undsertand how you don't want to come between him and his family. Family is a big part in islam but your coimng between them right now and if you move to saudi things will only get worse!! I really don't mean to be harsh with what im saying but because i've been down your path and i really don't want you to make the same mistake i did. I dated a saudi for over a year and i was in the exact same situation as you (except im middle eastern but not from saudi), his parents said no when he told them about us (after me asking him a billion times) and we broke off the relationship. If i had known this in the begining i would never have gotten involved with him. Anyway sorry about making this about me!! If a mans comes to you with unpure intentions then he isn't going to change!! You seem like an amazing lady and you deserve a man that will treat you like that. I walked away because i knew that by doing the right thing allah would reward me and hamdillah he has given me a man who is very rightous and wanted marriage from the beginging!! I really wish you all the best and never forget that allah is always listening to us and he will do whats best for you if you follow the right path!! wishing you all the best sister!!

  8. Warm greetings from Algeria.

    First I congratulate you my sister on becoming a muslim
    I personally I respect people who convert into Islam. I know how difficult for them , when they face problems from their own families, they must be strong enough to embrace purity
    I’m so sorry to hear a such kind of stories. You know, temporary marriage is haram in Islam,
    Ask ALLAH ( the most merciful )for forgiveness, forget the past, turn a new page, and look for another Muslim person. Because a real Muslim will do all his best for you .
    Yours Ahmed from ALGERIA.

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