Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband has thrown me out and demands divorce

woman in regret

I had my nikkah last year in Ramzan in Pakistan. My husband moved to the US and I stayed in Pakistan. In July 2010 I had my rukhsati and came to the US. After a month and a half, my husband found out that I had a relationship 2 years before my nikkah when I was in high school.

I had gotten in touch with that guy when I was in the US to find out about his results as he was a batchmate of mine in college as well. My husband was furious and  accused me of cheating on him.

There were a few arguments and I got too angry and I hit him. He sent me to prison for that. And after that he kicked me out of the house and sent me to my sister's place.

I have been living at my sister's place for 3 months. He doesn't talk to me at all. He is not paying for my expenses at all not even medical. Now he has said to his family that he does not want to stay married to me. I apologized to him hundreds of times but he is not listening. He doesn't take my calls or reply to my emails or texts.

He is not even divorcing me. I am his wife to the world but he is not being a husband. I do not want a divorce. I want to correct my mistakes and want him to give me a chance at least. I am being accused for cheating which certainly is not true.

Back in Pakistan my family will be disgraced and I would have to face humiliation for something that I did not even do.

Please help

- tanyaaslam

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29 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Aleikum Sister,

    Yours is a difficult situation indeed and it shows that sometimes even when a guy proposes, it is

    good to mention "past relationships" at the beginning to avoid future misunderstandings. Men can

    be more emotional in "defending their harim" than women. If your husband contacted a non-mahram

    because of results or whatever, I think many women would freak out, too, although it is of course childish and

    exaggerated. Allah taala is the concealer

    of faults- so are we and our husbands. Past mistakes, as long as we committed no crimes or things that

    question our character, are forgiven by God and shouldn't even be mentioned. When your husband

    found out, he shouldn't have become emotional, but believe you and hide it from the outside world

    instead of ostracizing you in front of your family and community. Although beating is certainly not

    allowed in Islam, refering to both sexes, it is an exaggerated reaction to send you to prison because of

    that. Which country does accept this? Beating is not a reason to arrest a person. He is not supposed

    to kick you out of the house, he's supposed to guard and protect you. Furthermore, accusing someone

    of something he hasn't done is tohmat, and a severe sin in Islam. If he doesn't believe you in this minor

    issue, what will he do if you guys face a real problem? Who is he to tell your family that he doesn't want

    to stay married to you? Mashallah, God told women to keep private affairs inside the home and he can

    tarnish your reputation just like that?? If he had contacted a woman and you would have found out,

    if he had had a past

    relationship, like many Pakistanis before they get married, and you would have found out, I'm sure he

    would have come forward with many excuses. And many desperate women write to this site

    because their cheating husband are even protected by their families.

    Sister, why can he treat you like that? You are an individual, not the good of your family. You haven't done

    anything and he has to believe you. You don't have to return to Pakistan if you don't want to. You mentioned

    your sister. I'm sure she'd help you find an appartement; you could study, you have so many opportunities.

    Nobody can make you do anything you don't want. Don't accept this passive role, be active. He hasn't

    deserved you. Nobody has the right to treat a human being like that. I don't understand how he can

    stop providing for you. As long as both of you are married, he has to pay for you. If he hasn't divorced

    you yet, he has to pay.


    • @Jannah,
      Though I agree with your point that if he is the husband he must provide for his wife. But for rest of your reply, wow!
      Essentially what you are saying is since many other people cheat its OK for the questioner to have such kind of behavior. What are you trying to teach here.....?
      Instead of giving some positive advice for the couple so that they can reconcile you are telling her to simply move away. Again wow!

      Sister I think in this situation your behavior was not appropriate to contact one of your batch mates about his results. Ask this question to yourself, how many other batch mates results you inquired? You have to be honest with yourself, that you made a mistake here.

      Now coming back to your husband's behavior, I think look at the positives, he never hit you. He was so much pissed off and because of your hitting he called police but never hit you.

      I am not sure how I'll categorize his action but please try to understand from his perspective. I think sometimes we take some actions while thinking they are normal or its OK but for others it is not.
      I don't know the chain of events but I think you have to realize that you were at mistake while contacting the person and then hitting your husband.

      For your husband, I pray that Allah(s.w.t) put compassion in his heart and in all of our hearts. You should realize that you made a mistake that is the first step towards reconciliation. But once you recognize it you must tell your husband that what you were thinking. (I assume that your behavior was innocent) If that is the case you should tell him that it was an innocent mistake and you have not even emotional connection to the person. I think if you had contacted other batch mates of yours regarding their results it might help your case.

      Sister please remember marriage takes a lot of effort, it is not that you'll get a spouse who is at the same frequency in different matters of life. Adjusting to frequencies takes some time. And its necessary for the partner who makes a mistake at some point to recognize his/her mistake and make efforts to amend them.

      I do pray that Allah(s.w.t.) help you both to be together again. InshaAllah

  2. Jannah, I don't understand how you can defend the behaviour of this woman and say the husband is at fault. It is quite clear she has not regretted or repented for his previous relationship, if she had she would not be contacting him after marriage. Isn't part of repenting to ensure you don't repeat the same mistake? Also if she stays in contact with this previous man, do you not think that flame will be re-ignited. You say the husband doesn't deserve someone like her, I agree, he deserves someone a lot better.

    I don't blame the husband and if he ends it with this woman, she deserves it. She expects mercy and forgiveness from her husband, yet did not even bother to ask for forgiveness from Allah and still does not, she is justifying her haraam actions. What business does any man or woman have contacting non-mahrams people? What business tell me.

    I'm afraid this young lady needs to accept the man is better off without her, he deserves the total and undivided attention of his wife. He does not need a wife who thinks 1. it is acceptable and ok for her to sociliase with men and more importantly 2. keep in contact with a guy she's got a history with.

    As for the young lady, next time you come for advice, first and foremost look at it the way Almighty sees it, he has given to you a husband, a man of your own, yet you defy him and contact another man? Then look at it from your husband's point of view, do you think ANY man likes his wife to even think about another man? I think you must accept he is moving on and now fix yourself up so the next time you marry (it will be difficult if rumours spread about what you've done) you don't make this mistake again.

    • No one is perfect and everyone deserves a second chance in life marriage is not something you can just throw away and say it didn’t happen Allah sees everything. I do think the husband was in the wrong for throwing his wife out. I am sure there are a lot of women who are married to men who cheat and still cheating on them including some women doing it as well. She don’t deserve her husband ending the marriage maybe if he hears her out rather than assuming and having an misunderstanding he'll see that it was his mistake for this as well not his wife's may allah guide you to happiness.

      • She threw away the marriage by emotionally cheating on her husband, how dare a person be in contact with people of the opposite sex? I would be just as critical if it were a man. As for the the comment second chance, can you blame a man for not giving his wife a second chance when she raises her hand at him? Who's to say she won't do it again.

        You read comments about people who are regretful and want to change, this young lady just doesn't want to face the humiliation of family.

        A person to hit their spouse? What kind of shameless behaviour is this? People are acting is if it's nothing, do you know the strength it takes to even raise your voice at your wife/husband let alone raise the hand and then to actually hit them? It's an absolute disgrace and the woman needs to realise the scale of his mistakes, only then can she be happy and only then can she find a new husband. This husband is gone, life isn't like the movies, you mess up once, often that's it we mere mortals aren't as forgiving as the Almighty.

        • Yes her wrongness was not telling her husband of speaking to this guy but I dont agree with your comments I think you are too exterme I know what she did was wrong but at the same time her husband shouldnt have put her in jail. I think if i was a guy i would give this woman a second chance to repair the damage and forget what happen. Even forgiving someone who done wrong by you allah likes but depends on the situation.

    • Wow this reply is quite heated and one sided. Yes she did wrong by not telling her husband before marriage that she had s relationship with someone, yes she did wrong by contacting that person but I do think she feels remorse and as shes said shes asked her husband for another chance but he refused. That's his choice but this relationship happened before the marriage.he should show understanding and forgive her as we are all human and we all make mistakes. The sister should also ask Allah for forgiveness for her mistake and she should never contact the ex again.

  3. Dear John Fisher
    Your comments are a bit harsh to sister’s reply.

    • I agree with Samina, your words are way too harsh John Fisher.
      Moreover, just because you exchange some words with your ex doesn't mean you cheated on your husband. Asking how about his final exams doesn't mean she is asking to sleep with him. EVERYBODY deserves a second chance!

  4. Salaams sister
    I think that before you even got married to your husband maybe you should have been honest and told him. I also feel the way your husband has treated you has been unfair to you without not listening to you and giving you a chance to hear your side. If you can’t make your husband hear you out or give your marriage a chance then I think its best for you to move on. May allah give you peace and guide you to the right path.

  5. Salaam sister, I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing and I pray that Allah swt makes it easy for you and helps you through it. I dont know about telling about past relationships. I know we are advised in Islam to conceal our past sins after repenting, but in some cases (if hes likely to find out later) it could be better to tell him before hand. Some people run into problems here.

    You sound quite young, am I right, if you were in high school 2 years ago?
    In any case, Im sorry but it was wrong of you to contact your ex, or any non-mahram guy for that matter especially when you are married, even for innocent reasons. In general Men suffer from jealously and insecurity more than women - and some more than others. You made a mistake - you are human - all is not lost. Make tawbah and resolve not to contact a non mahram again!

    Your husbands behaviour was quite extreme and also wrong. Personally, I think jail is ridicuolous and kicking you out is uncalled for. He should have taken the time to listen to what you had to say, or at least not behaved in the way he did. It may be that he said all of this in the emotional storm. He must either take you back with kindness or leave you with kindness. So him not divorcing you, but also not fulfilling his rights as a husband is wrong!

    Make sincere tawbah and turn to Allah (swt). You cannot change the behaviour of your husband, but you can change the way you react to the situation so make sincere tawbah, and dont make this mistake again. Do you pray salat, if not start praying, learn about your deen. Remember that Allah swt is The Most Merciful and He wants you to pass the test. Handle this test with patience and remember that this life is extremely short. This will InshaAllah be a comfort to you.

    If hes not able to listen to you/not willing then you will have to move on sister. You cant force someone to stay married to you - just imrpove your relationship with Allah - ask Him to give you whats best for you and make you pleased with it - and be patient. You will InshaAllah find a better spouse for you in the future.

    May Allah give you strength in this difficult situation.

  6. Salams,

    I'm jealous, my husband is, although it is not jealousy, rather zealousy, which protects a marriage.

    I wouldn't like my husband to contact non-mahrams, but sometimes he has to do that. He has

    fellow students at uni he has to contact because of similar things, he has non-mahram cousins,

    and there are always non-mahrams we have to contact for several reasons. I know what passion feels

    like, I know what jealousy feels like. There were times when I wanted to rip off the head of every woman

    who flirted with him or smiled at him. And there were times when he did similar things.

    There are reasons why I'm e.g. against facebook, myspace etc. We have to contact so many non-mahrams

    in the "real world" that it is certainly not Islamic to engage in a completely unnecessary cyber communication

    on the web. E-mails and text messaging serve this cause.

    As the sister mentioned above, you can't end a marriage because of every conflict that occurs- the reaction of

    this man is exaggerated and stupid. A marriage can only become stable if you hold together in difficult times.

    This is far too emotional and irrational. And, I'm sorry, but it is childish. Sometimes we have to contact

    non-mahrams and exaggerated zealousy=jealousy= sick. Our religion gaves us boundaries, not the

    right to oppress others because of inferiority complexes. Jealousy only leads to tyranny in a marriage

    and it is a disease, not something healthy. Islam gave us boundaries, Islam didn't forbid social interaction,

    as long as there is no flirting or sexual approach.

    Normal talking to a non-mahram is not forbidden, as long as it is normal talking and nothing else.

    It is not good to interpret something sexual in every conversation between 2 people, this is sick.

    John, I agree with you that interaction with non-mahrams is not Islamic, but sometimes it is necessary

    to contact a person and doesn't mean anything bad. When I talk to a non-mahram at uni, I tell my husband,

    and if he talks to someone else, he tells me. That's why I say honesty is very important. Even if it involves

    revealing unpleasant things at the beginning. This example shows that if she had been honest, he would

    have known it or he wouldn't have married her, but a lot of heartache would have been avoided.


  7. I'm not teaching anything, it is important to listen to each other and not get emotional. He shouldn't have

    screamed, she shouldn't have raised her hand. But she isn't cheating on her husband, I have never said

    it is ok to cheat. He is doing tohmat, he accuses her of cheating, which she isn't doing. Again: Everything

    should be said at the beginning, to avoid misconceptions like that. As far as I understood, hasn't cheated

    on him for a moment. I'm only writing my opinion her, I'm not the Dalai Lama.

  8. Salaam - yes sister Jannah is right about necessity - there may be some cases where its necessary (I havent come across any personally). I apologise for assuming that you contacting this non mahram was unecessary - only you know the answer to that question - but your husband seems a very jealous man.

  9. Salaam My Sister,

    I am sorry for this limbo that you have been left in.

    Whilst I appreciate what you want, it is also important to recognise that just because we want something from someone (a second chance, an opportunity to explain and so on) it does not automatically mean that we can have it.

    Violence against your husband is unacceptable behaviour and I can see no reason why he should give you another chance if he doesn't want to. He has made his decision and you have no choice but to accept it and move on with your life, and stop complaining about what he should be paying for, or what money he should be giving you. This is an incredibly narrow view and you have not taken into consideration what this man has experienced with you. He married a woman, then found out that she had kept secrets from him, found out that she had been in touch with an old flame - and then later during an argument - she hit him. Now she expects money from him and she wants him to protect her honour and reputation? My sister, you are thinking only of yourself and you cannot see any wrong in yourself, and you have not attempted to see the situation through his eyes.

    He has made his decision, and he doesn't owe you anything. My advice to you is to accept his decisions and leave him be.

    As for false accusations of adultery - he needs to produce four witnesses to the act before his accusation can stand. You can explain your actions to your community if they ask, and I'm afraid this is just something that you are going to have to deal with in the best way you know how.

    If you absolutely must make your point, to him I would advise that you write a letter in which you take full responsibility for your actions and acknowledge the wrong that you have done and apologise for them. Explain that you did not cheat on him, and that you have behaved recklessly and irresponsibly thus far and that you would like to have a second chance or divorce as quickly as possible so that you may both move on with peace that everything between you is settled.

    Editor, Islamic Answerrs

  10. Both of you have made mistakes. You shouldn't have contacted your past boyfriend, and you shouldn't have hit your husband. He shouldn't have blown up at you and he should not have thrown you out.

    I think you both need to approach this matter as adults and talk. You appear to be committed to making the relationship work. He doesn't. Have you tried asking his close family to intervene?

    It is very unfortunate that there has been this degree of conflict so early on in your marriage. Insha'Allah it will resolve. If it does not, then you are young enough to start over. But you will need to work on your emotional maturity.

    The reason the Quran speaks so often of Allah's mercy is that He knows we are prone to sinning. So start turning your direction to Allah swt and He will show His mercy on you. Remember, His mercy is greater than His anger.

    Best of luck to you.

  11. Why does she have to justify herself in front of the community? This man doesn't have the right to accuse

    his wife of adultery. She shouldn't have contacted him, but why must that lead to a divorce?

    If they both consult a counsellor, that problem could be solved forever.

    Falsely accusing someone of adultery is worse than contacting a non-mahram. Far worse.

    However, if he doesn't want you any more, you'll have to accept his decision. Sister Leyla, I absolutely

    don't understand your reference to the four witnesses. I don't think it's relevant if she says that she

    isn't in a relationship with this man.

    . Zina is one of the most dangerous and serious accusations. You need to have

    much evidence before you even start thinking of accusing someone of zina.

    If he can't forgive you and n his way of dealing with this situation is tarnishing your reputation, well, that's fine.

    One of the sisters said something very beautiful: Keep them with kindness or leave them with kindness.

    If he doesn't want to keep you with kindness, he should leave you in a kind way, by paying for you until

    he divorces you and giving you the chance of finding a new partner by not revealing private issues to


    • Complete agree with you sister.

    • Salaam Jannah,

      I mentioned the community because she is worried about the community back in Pakistan and what they will say of her - and so if that is her worry - then it is them that she needs to speak to, not her husband. He husband has made his decision.

      Regarding the divorce - I do not think it's an overreaction at all. If anyone's husband hit them or physically attacked them: I would tell them to get out of there and not look back. In this case we have a woman hitting a man. To me it's the same thing.

      No one should stay in a violent relationship - male or female.

      We can analyse the husband forever on this forum, and we can say he is wrong or that he is irrational - we can make these accusations without knowing him. However this is not going to move the sister forward in her situation. It's quite clear her husband has had enough, and it's this simple fact that our sister needs to accept and move on with.

      I cannot think of any reason why anyone at all - male or female, should ever give a second chance to someone who strikes them in anger, and I send out a message to all: if your husband or wife hits you, you report them to the police, you take action on them and you leave them. This is my personal protocol in all violent circumstances.

      To the aggressors, and the perpetrators of violence, I say: you need to deal with the consequences of your actions and stop harassing your partner who has asked you to leave and get over it. The very least any aggressor can do is understand that the person they have attacked does not want to see or hear from them and respect that decision.

      Her husband is free to make whichever decisions he wants and the sister needs to accept it. Whether she agrees or disagrees is besides the point. It's his decision, and in my view - he has made a healthy one and she needs to let him go and move on.


      Editor, Islamic Answers

    • I think its presumptuous of us(people answering this question) to think that the husband accused his wife of adultery. Its possible that the husband might be referring to emotional cheating than physical cheating.

      Sister definitely accusation of adultery is a really serious thing but I think cheating is used in different contests and its possible that your husband had talked about it with reference to emotional cheating which in my opinion he had grounds to think so.
      I am not sure what others are saying, but I think divorce should be the last thing. If you realize that you made mistake by contacting your previous 'friend' and by hitting your husband. Then I think your husband should also realize that he is overreacting to the situation, when Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) wife Ayesha (r.a.) was wrongly accused of adultery. Propher(s.a.w) didn't reacted in haste, but sorted out things and then when Allah revealed innocence of Ayesha(r.a.) everything was resolved.
      In my opinion the differences are nothing, its just that amateur actions on your and your husband's side that have blown this thing out of proportion. I think some Imam/Marriage counselor who can make you both talk with each other, will be really helpful to sort things out. Don't worry sister these ups and downs are part of marriage.

      Don't listen to people who say get divorced, sister, marriage is not a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship where you can simply breakup if you find a small fault in your partner. It takes effort to build a relationship. So what your marriage is having few problems in start, no marriage is perfect, I'll humbly suggest find some way to talk to your husband and again I pray Allah put compassion in his and all our hearts. I hope you and your husband can resolve this situation.

      Lastly, from your message there were four actions in total.
      1- You talked with your 'friend'.
      2- Your husband accused you of cheating.
      3- you hit your husband
      4- your husband send you to police.

      Just remember, this chain of events could have been stopped anywhere if one of you had not acted in amateur way. I still think your husband should not divorce you and you and your husband should talk with one another to sort things out in presence of some elder of the family.

      May Allah help you go through this difficult time of your marriage and may you guys live happily :-). Amen!


  12. First of all, I really sympathize with you for the experience that you are going through.

    Regarding what happened between you and your husband, I would say both you have failed to act maturely. First, you should have got in touch your former boy friend. And second, you should have not hit your husband.

    About your husband, I understand that he freaked out, but I do not like men who easily lose their composure, and act without any wisdom. OK, freak out inside, but do not show it outside. Your husband have found himself in a situation where he had to make a decision:

    01. Either he should have communicated clearly with you, resolve this issue, and give you a chance.
    02. Or he should divorce you.

    But he immaturely opted a middle way: he put you in a prison, and then kicked you out of the house. On top of that he stopped providing for you. Islamically, he cannot do that as long as you are legally married to him. And irrespective of what happened, I think there is no room for violent treatment and mis-behavior. How did the Messenger of Allah behaved when the hypocrites slandered Aisha (RA)? Allah told us to live with our spouse honorably:

    And live with them in kindness. (Sahih International translation, the Arabic word used is ma'roof])[4:19]

    Even when giving divorce, for whatever reason, Allah has strongly emphasized on maintaining piety and kindness:

    The divorce is twice, after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness. (Muhsin Khan translation) [2:229]

    Since your husband is not willing to give you a second chance, I don't think it would be better for you to live with him anymore. But at the same time, what scares me, is how you will be treated by your family, once you are divorced. It pains me sometimes that sub-continental families care so much about family reputation. Divorce was very frequent during the time of the Messenger of Allah, yet I do not understand why sub-continental people cannot accept it at all. Ok, my spouse may reject me because I have made a mistake, but I find it ridiculous that my parents will reject me too for the same mistake. Parents are supposed to be like umbrella (I am taking in general, not specifically about your parents), where children can get shelter during the bad times of their lives. But some sub-continental parents act life a bus station: you get a shelter there only when you pay; that is when you fulfill some conditions.

    So during this difficult time, connect yourself with Allah, who is our truest friend, our maula. He is our friend during our stay in duniya, He will be our friend on the Day of Judgment too, when all relationships shall be severed.

  13. Stranger, Mashallah, to know that there are still Muslim men out there with your attitude. Perfect response.

  14. Assalam O Alaikum sister Tanyaaslam!

    Sorry to hear about the troubles you had to and still going through. Both of you husband and wife have made mistakes clearly but honestly, I personally feel like your husband has acted more immaturely. I think you are still young and are learning so many things. Your husband is one of those very suspicious kinds of guys who just want to enslave their women in the houses and don't trust them at all. They don't want them to study, work or socialise within the boundaries set by Islam. We should trust our women, whether they are our sisters, daughters or wives when they are true follower of religion.
    Some of the comments made above pointed out toward the fact that you should have discussed this ex thing with your husband before getting married so that, he would have a clear picture to decide whether he should marry you or not. I agree with them that it’s a good thing to do as it clears a lot of things before hand and provides both parties with the time to decide that whether they should get married or should drop it. Where does it say that it is necessary to tell your husband, in fact Allah (SWT) has forbidden us to conceal our past sins and not to make them public and He (SWT) gets annoyed with those, who can't keep secret about their past mistakes or sins. However, it is totally wrong to blame sister for all this as how could you know that the person you are getting married is a suspicious person and can't trust you. In fact, whole marriage contract is based on trust, honesty, sincerity and being faithful to each other and care about each other and always think that we don't do khiyanah in any way with our partner in anything and our feelings and emotions are for our spouses. Off course, there are temptations but then we shouldn't be servant of our desires and longings. You made a mistake surely but you have paid the price and are still paying in fact, your husband should take you back and you as a person should ask Allah SWT's forgiveness even if you haven't committed anything wrong and always pray that he may melt your husband's heart for you. There is no doubt that after marriage one should not think of any other men or women because it is haram but when her husband doesn’t have any proof to back his claim then he is doing a major sin by accusing sister of Zina or any other form of relationship with a non-mehram man.
    What kind of Muslim will make an issue of the fact that his wife hit him and send her to jail? Didn't he feel ashamed of his actions? How is he going to balance his act of putting her behind the bars? Doesn't it say in Quran that, husband and wife are supposed to conceal each other’s secret, mistakes, short comings etc. If things had gone way out of hand then, why didn’t he involve elders from both sides which were more sensible thing to do rather than taking extreme measures? I don't know what the age difference between you is but I think that there shouldn't be too much age difference maximum 4 years. This could create a lot of problems due to different level of maturity unless; you have extra-ordinary mental understanding with each other and know each other too well. If you are young (as you said that 2 years ago you were in school), then your husband should have taken your responsibility and should have discussed this whole hitting thing as Haram in the light of Islamic teachings rather than getting you arrested and throwing you out when you have no one here to turn to except your sister (no parents). This was the right thing to do, you are his izzah sister, what kind of husband and man he is who couldn't resolve this issue within the boundaries of their own house and didn’t feel shame that his wife spent three nights in jail with other women. If, I was personally in this kind of situation then I would have sat my wife down and would have explained everything to her and given her logical reasoning for what was right and wrong. How many married sisters get hit by their husbands but they still want to make their marriage work, does that make them desperate, cheap or diminishes their respect, honour, NO A BIG NO. They are great women who sacrifice for the sake of love of their children, husband, to save their parents respect and most importantly to please their creator Allah (SWT). YOU ARE GREAT WOMEN AND NO OTHER WOMEN CAN BE AS GREAT AS A MUSLIM WOMAN WHO SACRIFICES HER EVERYTHING TO MAKE HER RELATIONSHIP WORK. He should put his own sisters in the frame to see, how he will feel then?
    Sister, you should write to him as someone mentioned above and clearly talk to him about this whole thing, try your best to convince him that you really are sorry and you will do everything to make it up to and will make sure that this or anything like this will never happen again in the future and will always treat your husband with respect. If after all this, he still doesn't want to be with you, then ask him to give you divorce as this is only fair under Islamic teachings. MOST IMPORTANTLY SISTER IF HE IS PRACTISING THEN MENTION TO HIM ABOUT OUR BELOVED HOLY PROPHET (PBUH)'S TREATMENT WITH HIS WIVES. Not in a way to make him feel guilty because it can worsen the situation but, in a way that he may think that what kind of person he is that he couldn't communicate and solve the problem with only one wife and made a headline of this issue which was not even supposed to go out of the house.
    Also, some brothers and sisters think that you are not entitled to be supported by him financially, guys she is still married to that person. Who else is supposed to support her; her sister? She herself is married and has her own life and especially SISTER'S REPLYING HERE SHOULD BE MORE UNDERSTANDABLE, how bad this could be for a sister to have her sister over at her place whose marriage is on rocks.

    Finally sister, we are will all pray for you that may Allah (SWT) help you both get together, more importantly mould you husband’s heart so that he could see his mistakes and reconcile with you (Amin).

    Oh! Keep updating us with the latest.

    Peace! MKS1982

  15. Salam sister.

    I think everyone should remember that we cannot judge anyone who is posting their stories as it is very wrong to do so, because people are seeking guidence and advice.

    Further more sister if i was in your situation i would have told my husband about the relationship before, although your husband may have never asked and therefore that's why you did not feel the need to bring it up as it was not important to you right?, But if you had told him beforehand yourself rather tha hi finding out would it have been this bad? and also i would have definetly not got in touch with him again, I think the importance of a marriage in Islam is to ave trust but the guy is not your maharram and therefore it is haram to be keeping in touch with another man especially if you and your husband have been arguing about this, you cannot blame your husband for being angry sister but i also belive he should gie you a chance to explain because it sounds to me you totally love him and want to save your marriage. I hope that you and your husband can sort this out amongst yourself. x

  16. Assalamualaikum
    best is that you should not try to contact him further more. It should be silence from your side which I know is very difficult. But the more you go after him the more he will run from you. leave the situation as it is for a while and dnt provoke him to divorce you in any way.
    Ask any of the male relatives who are in USA and a sheikh from the mosque to go to him and try talking to him and that you are sorry, realise your mistake and it will not happen again.
    I know from your point of view you havet done a big thing that you have only talked to an x-class fellow but in strict islamic point of view it is not something to be proud of. Because in Pakistani culture it is ok to have class fellows nos and talk to them once in a while but in strict islamic values dont allow us to be involved in such things. Your husband i think is quite religious which is a good thing but he should have forgiven you once you have explaied him the situation and he could have asked you not to do such a thing again.
    Time and patience is the way forward in this. Please read salat regularly and remember Allah as much as you can.

    May Allah keep your nikah with this man inshAllah. Ameen

  17. Assalaamu alaikum brother Nawid

    I agree with many aspects of your post in that what she did was wrong and inappropriate, but your post was a bit harsh. The name calling especially was not nice. The sister made some silly mistakes, but she is accepting the consequences of her actions. Best not to drive her away by condemning her.

    Sara Editor

  18. Salam sister,
    I am sorry to read about your situation and pray Allah makes it easier for you to overcome this test. Sister, I personally believe you should have not contacted this person in regards to his results even though he was your batchmate. You had a previous relationship with him which had ended and it should have remained to that. I do however feel your husband reacted a bit too much but men are jealous creatures and cannot stand "sharing" their wives. Unfortunately, I see shaitaan very sucessful in this situation. I do however believe that if a person has committed a sin and have sincerely repented (which includes never turning back to that sin) then it does not need to be shared. Isn't Allah SBT the concealor of all sins? Then why are we obliged to go and share all our PAST mistakes which can stir suspicion and doubt in a future partner's mind? Are we not allowed to learn from our mistakes and let go? Doesn't everyone commit mistakes and learn from them? I do not believe she had any duty or obligation to share her past with her husband unless he specifically asked about it. Even then, we must bear in mind, she repented from her mistake. However, sister you should have not contacted this person for whatever reason. Look what consequence resulted from that action?
    Sister, I highly suggest you go to his place with your sister and try to explain to him that he is taking this all wrong. He is thinking of it as something that does not exist and that shaitaan is whispering all sorts of wrong things in his mind. Promise him that you will NEVER keep in contact with this person and you did not mean any harm by doing so. You did not talk to him in any manner that suggested you were interested in him. However, do acknowledge that you realize your actions have hurt him but you are ready to prove to him that you are pure and only his. Be kind and gentle with him as he is very hurt right now.

    Also, Nawid and John Fisher, you both need to cool down with your harsh comments. This woman has not committed Zina nor has she emotionally cheated her husband. She did NOT talk to that person in any way that suggested she was interested in persuing a relation with him. She only asked him about his results. Please be very careful when accusing people of zina and cheating. There is a huge difference between zina and cheating AND talking to someone. I am not saying that she was justified in talking to that person, she shouldn't have but she has not commited zina!

  19. i think that i realise your situation

    strike 1: your husband finds your previous relationship

    strike 2: your husbands finds that you contacted your past relationship while being married

    strike 3: you hit your husband

    three strikes and you are out?

    i think you can see why he is being so angry with you

    but yeah you deserve a second chance and he shuld realise it, divorce will be a very bad thing for you

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