Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband has wanted second wife

How can my heart heal after this?

How can my heart heal after this?

Hello, my question isn't just about my husband wanting to marry a second wife, it is several parts. I recently found out he has been looking on the Internet for 2 years for a wife, talking with non wife women on Skype video. I found it all and the chat he had with a woman he planned to marry and keep hidden in his country. , because I won't live with him he spends 8 months of the year with me and the other parts in his home country. He swore on the Quran that he won't ever do it again, the chattin and looking for another wife. He said he is done. My faith says I must accept it, so I do. But is there any way to give up the pain he has caused  me from all the lieing because I just keep finding more and his defense is that he is done and the past is over? He isn't  the same man I married 31 years ago, now when he says "wallah" I still don't believe him.  I'm stuck in a place that he calls me kufar for not believing the swearing on Quran, and not ever wanting to be caught off guard ever again- finding this all out drove me the the brink of crazy.

Lina001

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2 Responses »

  1. Dearest sister Lina,

    Your pain is understandable, and I know it is difficult to trust once that trust is taken granted for. You are human, yes you will be distraught by your husbands betrayal. He should have asked your opinion if he wanted another wife, it was wrong of him to go behind your back losing your trust in the process but you need to know that men don't have the same thought process as ours. It is more difficult for them than for us to stay loyal. I am not as experienced as You or maybe not even mature like you but I just couldn't pass by this post without offering my support.

    Yes, dearest sister it was wrong of your husband to go behind your back and your husband cannot blame you for doubting him, but that also doesn't mean that you never forgive him. We as Muslims are supposed to forgive and to accept. Doesn't Allah do the same for us? We sin then we repent.... and He accepts us with open arms. He doesn't tell us "You broke my trust once,I am not going to believe you again. You sinned once, you will sin again" He doesn't say that rather he gives us a chance not just once but repeatedly. He forgives us all the time we have gone astray and accepted us every time we return back to him. Yes,I know it's difficult. You are only human and it's not easy when someone breaks your trust once. But have faith in Almighty Allah. Have faith in your husband. He still loves you or he wouldn't have promised you to not do ghe things which hurt you again. If he was really really bad then he would have broken off with you. The fact that he didn't shows that he is still in love with you and Alhumdulillah for that. He has taken a step forward and is waiting for you to hold out your hand. With your help and with your support. With your love he will grow into a better husband,a better human being and a Muslim. For just this once hold onto his hand and help him to get rid of his sins. Help him with his repentance. Yes he is not perfect. No one is. We are all humans,we all make mistakes.... You have spent thirty one years with your husband and surely you must have faced a lot of ups and downs with him. He must've been your strength when you fell and you his strength when he fell. Be his strength again dearest sister. Rekindle your love and show him that you trust him and truse him so that he will never do anything wrong again because he already has a beautiful,wonderful and supportive wife. Show him that you are a treasure worth keeping and much better than any woman whom he may have talked to. For this once sister Trust Allah, hold onto your husband's hand and lead him into Jannah. The more you fear pain, the more it will rule you. Let it go. And live with your husband anew. May Allah bless your marriage with abundant love and respect for each other in sha Allah.

    Now the question is....

    Your husband is holding out his hand to you, Are you willing to take it the way you did 31 years back and rekindle your love and show him what a wonderful and marvellous wife he has?

    With all my heart,
    Fatima
    Chief editor of
    http://www.beingmuslimahblog.com

  2. Sister

    I agree with much said by sister Fatima. 30 years of marriage is valuable and should be cherished. You might tell your husband that you cherish what you have and are willing to work hard to keep it, and aks Allah for strength to forgive the sins your husband committed.

    Because it is a sin to chat with non mahram women on the internet. And it is a sin to look at other women's pictures on the internet if they are not covered. So he has committed other sins that betraying you too.

    It is also important to remember that even if Islam has allowed polygamy for men, it has not made it mandatory for women. You are not in any way obliged to accept sharing your husband. And absolutely not to share him with strange women on the internet.

    Since your husband has shown such lack of character, and deen, I would recommend making him see an imam who can make clear to him the errors of his ways. I would also ask you to tell your wali since your safety in marriage has been threatened. And I would make sure your husband promises your wali to be a true husband to you.

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