Husband having a kid with the 2nd wife
Salam,
I don't want to get in to details on how my husband married his second wife coz it's so unique I will be exposing myself. But I can tell you that I approved of it as it's halal even though the girl he was going to marry is an evil person who caused me a lot of greif before the marriage and after the marriage. I did so much to show her that I'm not a first wife but I'm more like a sister to u but while I was working on that she was digging me a hole. When they are upset with each other I make sure that they are back together and always stand on her side. She had never done the same for me as a matter of fact she had accused me of doing a lot of things that caused big arguments n fights between me n my husband and she even asked my husband to divorce me as she can no longer bare the sharing business. I already have a child with my husband even before they met and she wants a child. I'm worried that if she has a child she will make things a lot worse for me and maybe give him an ultimatum either me or her so Is asked my husband not to have a child with her as I'm scared for what will happen with me n my child. The question is, is that haram of me to give him an advice not to have kids with her? if a sheikh can answer this question for me it will be great and if he needs more info please let me know. Please this is important as I'm scared of the outcome.
Dana
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You can't tell your husband not to have kids. But you can share with him all your worries. If he's a good man, he will not be swinged by his wives, and he should be able to be fair and not be influence by stories from either wives. But he should have enough trust in you and your marriage to not just trust blindly what the other wife is saying about you.
Tell him that you trust he is a man who fears Allaah and will always make fair decision based on facts and not just on words. And that you hope your marriage and your child is a strong bond between the two of you, and that you want to be with him in this world and the next in Jannah. Be Blunt to him and I think he will appreciate it.
If he's not, then there's a problem in your marriage, much more than merely a second wife.
May Allaah give ease.
No, you don't have any right to advice your husband on his relationship and family life with his other wife. it's none of your business. Just like she doesn't have any right or business advising your husband to divorce you. This arrangement the three of you are having is really toxic, and you need to all sit down, talk and set up some clear boundaries. And more importantly, you need to assert yourself towards her, because, right now, it sounds like she thinks she's the boss of everyone. That needs to change immediately.
You're not in a threesome - his marriage to you has nothing to do with her and his marriage to her has nothing to do with you. It seems to me like you and your husband's other wife are way too close and have too much influence on one another. I dn't know what your living situation is like, but your husband should put the pair of you up in different houses so you have nothing to do with one another.
I also think you should stop, immediately, with being such a doormat to this woman. As I already said, you're not in a three-way relationship, so what are you doing even talking to her about being her sister? You're not sisters and you're not even friends, so don't do this nonsense. Especially if you already know she's not a good or kind person. Stay the Hell away from her and put up some boundaries so this woman will gain some respect for you and stop talking trash about you to your husband.
Also, where the Hell is that darling husband of your's in all of this? Why is he allowing all of this happen? Why isn't he keeping his wife in track? Why isn't he telling you to stop letting her wipe her dirty shoes all over you? He sounds like a lousy husband that can barely take care of one wife, let alone two. Tell him to man up and do something about his wife!
Lastly, just because polygamy is halal in Islam (under specific circumstances, only), doesn't mean you and your husband should accept any kind of trash into your lives. Of all women out there, why would you be okay wiht him marrying someone toxic and destructive? And why are you surprised that a married couple wants to have children eventually? Did you really think your husband was going to marry her and not start a family with her?
When a man takes a second wife (or third or fourth), there is no necessity for the first wife to become friends with her. While it is best to get along, there is actually no need to get yourself involved with your husband's other wife. I myself, have my own friends and interests, and if my husband made such a decision, he already knows that the new wife and I will not be going shopping together or having lengthy telephone calls discussing recipes. You established some kind of one-sided relationship with your husband's other wife, and it might be a good idea to remove yourself from her. You mentioned she is toxic, speaking untruths about you, so that is reason enough. From your explanation, she is not a mature woman, and seems to be on some kind path to end your marriage. Beware. As the saying goes, with friends like that you need no enemies. Your husband and his other wife have to decide if they want to have children. Your husband has to make that decision on his own. You should invest more time taking care of your own household especially in the event that your husband who needs to grow up, decides to take her advice and divorce you. She has already stated she is tired of polygyny. I am just wondering why your husband is considering having a child with someone who thinks on this level.
Salam,
I think you need to tell your husband your concerns. You shouldn't ask him to not have a kid but instead tell him the consequences that you see. Tell him that you've been resolving fights between you and her to maintain this two wife family. You're not seeing her helping your relationship as you help hers and instead you're seeing the other wife push for a divorce between you and him. Tell him your concern is that this other wife isn't interested in sharing at all and that this issue needs to be resolved before having kids with her. As once he has kids with her she will use the kid as leverage to push for a divorce between you and him and your son. He will then have to deal with custody of the kid with her. If sharing is not for the other woman then this is the wrong relationship for her.
I agree with this reply, especially the last sentence: "if she does not like the idea of sharing, than this is the wrong relationship for her."
It is wrong for her to tell your husband to divorce you, since it's none of her business, but it's especially more wrong since there is a child involved. He has a responsibility towards this child and you. You and your son are his family, and it is not her place to tell him to leave his family. And frankly it seems selfish too, especially since she has not had any children with him yet. There is nothing permanently connecting the two of them like a child might, so it seems unfair for her to tell him to leave his wife and child. It is wrong and selfish of her to barge into a relationship with a man who has a wife and child and tell him to leave the two of them for her. So if she is not okay with sharing, this is not the right relationship for her. She is not entitled to anything.
And it would later be hypocritical of her, if she does have a child with him, to use that child as a reason for him to leave you and stay with her.
Also, why is your husband allowing all of this to happen? Why is he allowing himself to be lied to and manipulated by this toxic woman? Please consider this. Why is the person who loves you so much, allowing this to be done to you and himself? And stop helping her out. You might think since you are being kind to her and returning her evil for good, she will eventually be grateful to you. But what if she never does? Some people are thank less. You do not owe her anything, and she does not owe you anything. Kindness isn't an obligation or a due, it is something people do from the heart. It's like giving a gift. And when people start to mistreat that, that's your signal for you to stop. Also, while it is very ungrateful, she does not owe it to you to reciprocate. I am telling you this in case you're operating under the belief that if you are nice enough and bend backwards enough, she will be nice in return. She owes you nothing and you owe her nothing. No one is entitled to anything in life. She doesn't have to reciprocate, just like you don't HAVE to be so helpful always. It's not owed. And she has already crossed the line and started directly disrespecting you, which tells you this is not the situation to be helpful to her. That is your indication that she is not going to be kind in return and thinks she can treat you however she pleases. This is not okay, so cut off all contact with her and stop helping her relationship with him, since the only one who is going to get hurt is you.
And stop continuously siding with her when your husband and her have an argument or are upset with each other, and helping them to get back together. What about yourself? Do you not deserve respect? Why help someone who is toxic? Did you consider that might be a reason why he and her are having problems? And you make it worse by helping them to get back together and siding with her. This might confuse your husband, and might be a possible reason why he hasn't defended you yet, since he might believe she is the one in the right since you side with her the rest of the time.
You don't know the details of their argument, and it's not your business to interfere, just like it's not her business to interfere with you and him. She might not always be right, so stop siding with her. And stop helping her out in general, period. She wants to see your relationship with him fail, and has taken action to do so, yet you try to save her relationship with him? I apologize if this is a bit harsh, but do you hate yourself? The two of them are not going to be grateful for your self-sacrifice, that's for sure. So why do you do it? Why help someone who is only a thorn prick in your side? Why give money to someone who wants to rob you of your entire wealth? Or consider this analogy, why feed an animal whose only goal is to bite your hand off? Why help someone whose only interests are themselves?
Like Lindita said above, please know your rights, be assertive, and don't allow yourself to be treated like a door mat for her to wipe her feet on. You are a human being with value. You show yourself respect by not allowing people to disrespect you. And by not allowing to be disrespected, other people will learn you have boundaries and will stop treating you like dirt, since they know you will not let them treat you like dirt.