Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband refuses to accept my wearing a hijab

Asalamu Alaikum sisters & brothers,

I am new here but will do my best to read other's posts and to help if I can Inshallah. Does anyone have some advice to me regarding my subject line? I decided to wear hijab last Jan 2011 after finally increasing my Eman (reverted 15 yrs ago but wasn't practicing -read my profile) but my hubby felt it was too soon and wants me to go slowly because he doesn't want the kids to feel I'm being extreme. So, I listened to him; it's been 6 months, my teen sons know that their mom is praying and religious,  involved at the masjid etc etc. I have finally brought Islam to the front of our lives with my husband sheepishly riding my coattail. So since Ramadan I've been happily wearing my hijab (like coming out of the closet in my neighborhood) and my husband asks me for a sit down talk to tell me he really does not want me wearing hijab because it effects him. His identity and he's not ready to live as a fully practicing Muslim and that my wearing hijab makes a statement about our level of belief that he's not ready to publically make.

He's also stated that he will feel differently about me (his affection for me) if I decide to continue wearing it. I told him that what he's imposing on me is sinful. I know how sinful it is for me to not wear hijab but I agreed not to wear it if he would start praying with me for every prayer that we are together and to make our kids pray with us as well because he let's them slack off. Inshallah, I will help my husband get closer to Allah and eventually he will agree with my need to wear hijab. I know that tomorrow may never come, but the other choice would be to cause a wall to build in our marriage, which will affect our children and give them the wrong understanding of Islam. It may also cause my husband to turn away from Islam. His family is far astray from Islam, so this is likely and nothing good will come of it. My other thought is that, Allah swt calls who he wills. He has called me to Islam from Christianity Alhumdulilla! My husband introduced me to Islam and I'm grateful. But it seems to me that Allah swt has not called my husband (yet?) Inshallah He (swt) will. Please send me your comments. I love to be corrected by those who have studied Quran and researched authentic Hadith, as I am still learning.

Thank You,

Wasalam

SentimentalMe.

Leyla's Answer: 

Salaam Sentimental Me,

I am so sad to hear that you are in this situation.

It sounds very much like there needs to  be some healthy dialogue between yourself and your husband regarding the future and your religious faith, as he is demonstrating a great deal of tension which is detrimental for a happy marriage and for religious unity which is what bonds a household together. This tension can be alleviated with the correct discussion and approach inshAllah, or perhaps marriage guidance counselling. It is better to go to a marriage counsellor and reach a peaceful resolution in your household than to lose your marriage over something that is a beautiful act of worship. Your husband is demonstrating a great deal of anxiety over your religious direction and this is indicative of his own lack of direction (or perhaps commitment or faith): so I would strongly advise that you address this in your marriage whilst you are going through this change.

It is better to move forward together, and where your husband is lagging behind: it could be that this is an opportunity for you to bring him forwards in his practice and his connection with Allah, and I sincerely hope that this is possible for you inshaAllah.

The best technical resource I could find for you regarding this issue was on Islam Q&A who say:

"If [the husband]  is ordering [the wife] to uncover her hair and neck, etc, this is a command to disobey Allaah, and there is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. There is no difference of opinion among the Muslim scholars that it is obligatory for a woman to cover her hair, neck and arms, and it is not permissible for her to take off her hijab in obedience to her husband or father, rather she should stand firm and seek help in that from righteous people in his family and hers, and those who have some influence on her husband.

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error”

[al-Ahzaab 33:36]

“But no, by your Lord, they can have no Faith, until they make you (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) judge in all disputes between them, and find in themselves no resistance against your decisions, and accept (them) with full submission”

[al-Nisa’ 4:65]

This husband has to submit to the command of Allaah, and accept His decree and not object to His commands. He should help his wife to follow the path of guidance and righteousness, and not prevent her from following the path of Allaah or call her to disobey Him.

But if what is meant by taking off hijab  is that he is telling her to uncover her face and hands only, and to cover everything else, and she is afraid that the matter may lead to divorce, and she will be harmed by divorce, then we hope that there will be no sin on her if she uncovers her face and hands, if she is forced to do so.

And Allaah knows best."

http://islamqa.com/en/ref/95575/husband%20hijab

Peace,

Leyla

Editor, Islamic Answers


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25 Responses »

  1. Leyla's Answer:

    Salaam Sentimental Me,

    I am so sad to hear that you are in this situation.

    It sounds very much like there needs to be some healthy dialogue between yourself and your husband regarding the future and your religious faith, as he is demonstrating a great deal of tension which is detrimental for a happy marriage and for religious unity which is what bonds a household together. This tension can be alleviated with the correct discussion and approach inshAllah, or perhaps marriage guidance counselling. It is better to go to a marriage counsellor and reach a peaceful resolution in your household than to lose your marriage over something that is a beautiful act of worship. Your husband is demonstrating a great deal of anxiety over your religious direction and this is indicative of his own lack of direction (or perhaps commitment or faith): so I would strongly advise that you address this in your marriage whilst you are going through this change.

    It is better to move forward together, and where your husband is lagging behind: it could be that this is an opportunity for you to bring him forwards in his practice and his connection with Allah, and I sincerely hope that this is possible for you inshaAllah.

    The best technical resource I could find for you regarding this issue was on Islam Q&A who say:

    "If [the husband] is ordering [the wife] to uncover her hair and neck, etc, this is a command to disobey Allaah, and there is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. There is no difference of opinion among the Muslim scholars that it is obligatory for a woman to cover her hair, neck and arms, and it is not permissible for her to take off her hijab in obedience to her husband or father, rather she should stand firm and seek help in that from righteous people in his family and hers, and those who have some influence on her husband.

    Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed into a plain error”

    [al-Ahzaab 33:36]

    “But no, by your Lord, they can have no Faith, until they make you (O Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم) judge in all disputes between them, and find in themselves no resistance against your decisions, and accept (them) with full submission”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:65]

    This husband has to submit to the command of Allaah, and accept His decree and not object to His commands. He should help his wife to follow the path of guidance and righteousness, and not prevent her from following the path of Allaah or call her to disobey Him.

    But if what is meant by taking off hijab is that he is telling her to uncover her face and hands only, and to cover everything else, and she is afraid that the matter may lead to divorce, and she will be harmed by divorce, then we hope that there will be no sin on her if she uncovers her face and hands, if she is forced to do so.

    And Allaah knows best."

    http://islamqa.com/en/ref/95575/husband%20hijab

    Peace,

    Leyla

    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. Jazakallahkhair Leyla for your compassionate words. thoughts and references.

    Althought it is difficult to find one, I will seek a Muslim marriage counselor or arrange for us to meet with my Imam. Inshallah, my husband will agree to the meeting.

    As far as regular non-Muslim marriage councilors go - i've had several bad experiences with them within the past 15 yrs They cannot properly help a muslim marriage because they don't intertwine Allah swt into their advice. I also feel this way about self help books. Infact, i hope you'll take my thoughts lightly, as I don't feel I'm qualified to give weighted advice, but recently an editor here on this very helpful forum added a picture image to a published question, and the image is of a self help book that was about the issues with "in-laws". From my experience, and particularly for Muslims in need of advice with family matters, we should only be advised to read family and marital counceling material which have been written by Muslim authors. Inshallah, that would be best, and Allah swt Is all knowing. Thank you so much for the work you do and may Allah bless you and reward you for your generosity.

    Wasalam,
    Monica

  3. Sister maasha'Allah iam so happy that you have reconnected with your deen, sister this life is a test for all of us it looks like your husband is your test keep up with your salat and dua, i no a lot of couples who when they got married were far from islam as they got older mostly the wives became more religious some of the husbands took much longer, one of my cousin when her husband would take her in the car he would put a music cd on and she would take it out and put quran on this would go on and on each trying to make a point and they would not give up, Masaha'Allah 10yrs later Allahamdulilah its like a total change masha'Allah he is a different man and their home is what i would call an islamic home all the kids pray and even the youngest 10 is fasting every day this ramadan maasaha'Allah, so dont give up be an example to your family and insha'Allah they will follow.

  4. SentimentalMe, you are clearly on the right path. You are answering the call Allah has given you. You are doing what you must as a Muslimah, and a mother.

    I don't have much to add to what Leyla wrote, except a suggestion that you go ahead and wear hijab as Allah and His Messenger have commanded, and then make an effort not to let it affect your marriage. Reach out to your husband, be affectionate with him, cook his favorite foods, and basically shower him with love until he gets over this transition.

    I frankly cannot understand your objection (correction: I meant to say, "I cannot understand your husband's objection"). In my own search for a wife, I rule out anyone who does not wear hijab and pray. What is this "identity" he has that would be compromised by your wearing hijab? Does he have all non-Muslim friends and hide his Islam from them, is that the issue?

    You have recognized that your husband's imaan is very low, and that your mission now is to raise up your children as Muslims, and maybe - by Allah's grace - to bring up your husband as well, teach him, save his religion and his aakhirah. It's a big job. Insha'Allah you will be up to the task.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Akhi Wael, not to distract from the original post but you mentioned about ruling out anyone without hijab. You must be annoying to so many sisters lols and I can completely relate to that as we are in the same boat. This is one of those most annoying/irritating thing for many sisters to find out on a male profile.

      • Is it really? Why is that?

        • Yes akhi some non-hijabi sisters believe that we brothers think that they are less religious or not religious at all. It's just a personal preference, that's all. I have seen some talk shows where Muslim women are arguing for and against hijab, let alone non-Muslims who see hijab as a symbol of oppression.

          • Well, part of the issue for me is that I want a wife who prays. If she doesn't wear hijab, how will she pray, especially if we are not at home? We may be traveling, or hiking, or at an event, or whatever, when prayer time comes. Will she carry a spare scarf and abayah in her purse? Anyway, we're getting off topic here. My point was that I have the greatest respect for a woman who wears hijab, as it is a part of our deen.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Subhan'Allah brother muhammed how can you say Hijab is a personal preference, even in my early 20s when i did not wear a hijab i knew what i was doing was WRONG and as time went on i knew if i die like this then i was doomed for my vanity, Walaahi every clear thinking women who is even a little awake to their deen known's why we must wear hijab unless she is kidding herself.

    • Sister Zenna, you do have a point but from a woman's point of view. For me it still is a PREFERENCE for certain reasons which are important to me. And this is not the right place to have such discussion which is most likely to start a never ending argument. So, I rest my case here:)

      Wasalam,
      Muhammad1982.

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • zenaa, I think he meant that it's his personal preference to marry a woman who wears hijab. Not that the hijab itself is a matter of preference.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Eidtor

  6. Sorry brothers it looked like he was saying it a personal choice to wear one or not.

  7. AA;

    Keep your faith. Stay on the path. Teach and ask others to be good Muslims. And just keep going 🙂 Don't be encouraged by those who jump on the wagon or discouraged by those who jump off. On the day of judgement, ALLAH will ask you about your deeds 🙂 And always be nice when inviting/asking people to follow Islam ALLAH tells the prophet (PBUH) : If you wear harsh and hard hearted, they would have left from around you.
    May ALLAH guide you, grant you patience, and direct you to the correct path.

    AA

  8. AOA brothers & Sisters,

    I feel so stuck! I dont understand! Alhamduillah, it has been couple of months that I have started wear hijab. The problem is:

    * my family doesn't like hijab
    * the guys from my country doesn't like hijab- they prefer modesty but not covering hair part
    * Hijab is not part of my culture but modesty I.e. loose clothing is treated well amongst my ppl/ community but not headscarf
    * most/ majorty of ppl from my country says hijab is nothing but history culture as ppl in the past were uneducated so hijab was required to protect the women back then and now ppl are educated i.e. women are given their rights, laws are in place therefore hijab is not necessary.
    * some says hijab is arab culture so why do we have to follow arab culture and not our own, so if a girl/woman wants to practise hijab then a thin and see through headscraf is prefectly fine to wear in islam even that some hair to show.
    * some says by wearing hijab doesn't mean Allah swt likes or listens to them more then nonHIjabi

    There are so many other excuses they say to me that really upsets me and makes it hard for me to practise hijab. I also find it hard coz my sisters' husband sometimes just enters our house\living room without my knowledge and they would find me without hijab . I find it hard coz it kind of means I have to wear hijab even inside my house.

    my family says if in future my husband to be expects me not practise hijab then I have to listen to him coz in Islam apparently it says to respect and keep husband in anyway wife can.

    my family do not find me as trendy as before. They find me backward and old fashioned.

    of course I do not agree with most or all of their views regarding hijab but everytime I hear all this it makes me so lonely and I have started lose interest in what I used to find fun, like in a nice clothes or jewllery and this is only becoz I am not getting hijab support or encoragement from my family. I do not want to uncover my hair. My family wants me back to how I was- the happy one, the friendly one, the bubbly one, the caring one. I also miss my old self too a lot but I know I cannot get myself back until my family welcomes me with hijab. So I feel so stuck. I dont knw what to do.
    And I dont knw what advise I need from you respected ppl but I feel so lonely. And no the solution is not marriage because as I said majority of guys from my country doesnt like hijab and if some do want their wife to wear hijab is not for islam purpose but purly to show husband superior than wife, basically they do not understand the purpose of hijab. And I am willing to stay unmarried but this decision of mine will torn my family/mum apart coz at the same time they love me to bits but not my hijab. I dont know what to do.

    • Assalam O Alaikum "iknowitsister",
      If you believe in your heart that you are required by Allah (swt) to cover yourself and it is the right decision then take this step and Allah (swt) will change people's heart. Unfortunately, what you wrote is true but we will have to change the mindset of people (relatives, friends, neighbours, co-workers, etc etc). Why not be the first in your family to inspire others to cover yourself against all the odds; their will be many girls who will see you as a role model when they will be faced with issues concerning hijab. I can't write much on here but I could prove to you that you should only do what is required of you as Muslimah by Allah (swt); there are many brothers who want their future spouses to cover. So, keep searching for the right one and don't give up; their are many sisters in the same situation as yourself. Below are couple of websites which I think will help you Insaha Allah; you may be able to get in touch with some sisters via E-mail to help you get through all this iA.

      http://www.islamswomen.com/hijab/hijab_suppression_or_liberation.php

      http://www.igotitcovered.org/

      I hope this will help you iA but if you need further help then go through similar posts or sign in and write a separate post and we will try to help you as best as we can.

      Wasaalam,
      Muhammad1982.

      Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Sister..been there done that! 🙂

      I've been through all that which you are mentioning..l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y...lol.

      Stay strong and whatever you do, do not disobey Allah to please anyone, not even parents. Respect them greatly and be an even better daughter now to show them that yes Islam is about more than just covering as with the covering you have become a better individual too inshallah. Dont allow the devil to do two things - 1) to dishearten you and cause you to disobey Allah in order to obey his creatures. 2) to make your family look like the devil to you, lol. They are misguided but as you have mentioned, do love you to bits and only want whats best for you. They are advising you with regards to what they "think" is best for you but you know better than that. You know that nothing is better for us than that which Allah swt us ordered us with.
      So be wise and inshallah with hikmah convince your family of your determination and action. It may very well take a lot of time and struggle and even then they may just "accept" you wearing it and "get used to it" but not like it so much...but remember, you are ultimately doing this to please Allah and your goal should be to please Allah and keep the peace in the family inshallah. 🙂

      Was salaam

  9. AA;

    Will, first of all, please start your own blog and issue on the site, instead of getting in the middle of another one.

    - You kept saying in my country, I think it will help if you tell us where r u from? and how old are u?
    - You r on the correct path sister, not to worry much about what people say.
    - You can still have fun and do fun things as long as they are in religious boundaries. This is the same for women and men. Whether is is clothing, jewelry, perfume, etc. If you want to dress in short dress, you do not have to wear it into the street, you can do it in an all women gathering for example!
    - Same thing with being happy and bubbly. I am a Muslim living in the US, and i have American/Christian friends here in the States. We go out, we have fun, and many times they would say: you are funny, we wonder how much fun will u be if drunk 🙂 And they know I do not and will never do alhamdolellah. Just being a Muslim (Man or Woman) does not mean u will forever live by yourself, it only means you do things according to Islam.
    - As far as for your family, nto sure what to tell you there. u have to keep trying and inshallah they will come around. And if your mother, sisters, relatives start to wear Hijab because of you, man oh man how much Hasanat you will be collecting 🙂

    If I am correct, alhamdolellah because it is from him. If I made a mistake, then it is from me, I apologize and may Allah forgive me.

    May Allah grant you patience and guide you to the best path.

    AA

  10. My Dear lovely sister @ IknowitSister

    2---First of all by wearing hijab you have not loss the old you, you have just make your old you more preety and preserved 🙂

    3---You have to understand why you are doing something. You are wearing hijab to Please Allah subhana wataala. To obey his Command. In the day of judgement my dear sister, no men, no family, no friends will help you. If you do haraam you will get intouble and not wearing hijab is asking for trouble. So dont worry about not impressing your family, men in your community etc

    4--A Men, with the Decent Islamic Khulq are attracted with hijab BECAUSE IS PART OF OUR DEEN. Either one eccept it or not. When my Husband found me in UNI wearing hijab, he told my family when he came to propose that this was one of the reason he wanted to marry me. So i am proud to be a muslim and to be wearing hijab.

    5. When you wear hijab, its a beautiful symbol, you get respected more, and no one will direspect you. When i walk i walk like zombi looking down till i get where i am going, when entering work there are zillion times when non muslim will open the door for me, and non muslim men i work with walk meters far from me as if i have contagouse illness and i love that.

    Hijab is beautiful DONT EVER BE DISCOURAGED.

    • Yes, SubhanAllah you are right about this sister. Initially I too was worried as my friend told me no guy will ever like me and I will be ugly. She was (and still is) stunning - she gets lots of attention. But you know what, I realised that Alhumdulilah at least the guys who will be interested are more likely to be serious. Since wearing it a few years ago I also get doors held open for me, and recieve no more unwanted attention. When I do speak to guys, they tend to listen more to what I am saying. Basically in a nutshell sister hijab is a beautiful thing. The fear of wearing it is much worse than the fear once you have taken the step. And you will InshaAllah attract a pious Muslim brother who will marry you and love you not just for your beauty but for the most important things - you deen and character. That said if your not ready do not do it yet - just take small steps towards it. Wear long loose clothes and do not be extravagant. Do it to please Allah swt.
      May Allah make it easy for you.
      Ameen

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor
      x

  11. Thank you brother Muhammad1982, sister Faith, brother Just a Man, sister Amna and sister Sara for your time and kind replies. I truley appreciated a lot, esplly the day when I saw ur replies it serioulsy did encourage me to remain firm with my decision! I really needed ur support that day!!! I will inshaAllah go through the sites that brother Muhammed1982 shared.

    When I disclosed my situation with you all that day I was really upset and alone. I had no support that day. Literally, I felt everyone was ganging up on me regarding my hijab!!! I was on holiday to a different country with my family and they made me feel so hopeless that I didn't know what to do 🙁 so I came to this site and as usual I used my mobile internet and shared my this problem with you all.

    Yes I do believe hijab is fard/compulsory/ mandatory for a muslim girl/women to observe in Islam. Prior to me wearing hijab, I did carry out so many research (well at least to my level) that I eventually got covinced that just like the five pillars of Islam, not to backbite, not to take interest, not to murder etc and etc hijab is also a command from Allah (swt). Hijab was not an overnight decision for me but after many years I somehow got the courage to cover my hair, ears and neck! and I thank Allah (swt) for giving me this courage and His guidance.

    I am still new so I know it will take time for me to adjust and follow hijab at it is best! I mean sometimes when I am at work or anywhere, my hijab does not remain at its set place 🙁 (i.e my front part of hair does show up) but then one day my manager who is non-muslim english said to me

    "oh don't worry girl, it all comes with practise. Within time you will learn how to wear your headscarf the right/proper way that you know it should be woren. Treat your head cover as a new job. When a person first enters a new workplace they feel shy, intimidated, cautious, less confident or sometimes over confident but once when they learn more about their position and feels settled they become better and better at their job with minimum support and errors. So if you see your headscraf as a job/duty then hopefully within 6months or may be a year you will become better at it! "

    Alhamduillah, to-date my work colleagues (from the CEO of the company to any assistants) they never made feel bad about my hijab. They still treat me so well and they are all non-muslim too. They totally feel okay when I take time out for my namaaz during work hours. And whenever they get snacks, they try to ensure it is gelatin and alcohol free and when going out for dinners they try to go somewhere that I could join in too. I mean when it was my birthday they took me to my favorite turkish restaurant. My work place, especially my manager looks out for me so much! she never lets any guys/ male work colleagues to come near me to handshake or hug me- at first she used to think it was for cultural reasons I don't allow but ever since I have started to wear hijab my manager understands the differences between my cultural and religion!!! according to my manager I am the golden child lol

    anyhow, like I said before my family esply my mum they love me a lot but for them at the moment hijab is nothing but a piece of old-fashioned fabric tied around the head. though Alhamdulilallh, they do believe hijab is part of Islam but they just don't feel ready to confess yet.

    once again, thank you every one for ur kind replies. I feel so much better and not so stuck coz I am back home to London!!!! and out of holiday!!!! pheww!!!

    and I am sorry for overreacting in my first post in this thread...

    May Allah (swt) guide us all to the straight path. amin.

    *iknowitsister*

  12. Asalamualaikum brothers and sister,

    Hijab is very respectful thing. It's not just a piece of clothes. It vary people weather they want to wear it or not but after we die we need to answer by not wearing. Still it's not that who dosent wear are bad but when we will die we have to cover our head to buried. So why not now?

    People who want to wear hijab and stars sooner then later it's good for your own. On judgement day you have to and explain what you have done good or bad, no one our parents, husband, wife or children won't explain for us.

    I don't know that much but while joining this site I learnt so many thing maybe it's sign from Allah to become good and get to know Islam well enough.

    Amin
    Nadia

  13. assalamalikum,
    I am going through the same thing.I am a revert and My husband finds it...
    (Question deleted by Editor)

    • Sister,

      I am very sorry for deleting your question, but you must log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. MashaAllah I interesting replies ...May Allah swt Guide us all ..Ameen

  15. SubhanAllah sister we don't know how long we got as u know death can come take us any time we are all responsible for our actions ..how can we stand before our Lord if we don't obey him and worship him the way he deserves to be worshiped ... We should obey our parents and husbands in all cases apart from the Deen matters if anything they say is against the teaching of our beloved prophet saw then we should disobey them ... I made a decision to cover and wore hijab &abbaya and thought to myself if my husband got an issue I will not listen to him obviously in a humble way but Alhumdulillah even though he's not practicing he was fine .. So I know it's hard for u but remember anything you do for the sake of Allah he will find you a way sister inshaAllah put ur full trust in him walahi he won't let u down .remeber Allah comes first he owns us he created us our husband don't .. My Duas are with u be strong spiritually and emotionally May Allah make it easy for all sisters and guide our husbands open their heart Ameen

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