Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband ignorant towards wife and taking on additional responsibilities

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid

Aoa. I've been married for five years now. Ours was a love + arrange marriage. Everything went ok till the time of marriage my husband n his family started belittling the wedding gifts n dowry I brought, usual stuff I know he didn't have a job so we went to my parents in middle east where he didn't accept a job coz it paid less n he couldn't support his family back home with it.

Before marriage I was told we could move abroad n that he had no financial responsibility. We had our fights I took my stand and a job he came back to Pak got a job in another country left without informing me but assured me he was settled so I moved to his country only to find we could barely meet ends & send nothing back home.

I said Alhamdulillah being with him n eating little we were happy I got pregnant he sent me back home n resigned coz his boss bugged him and came back.

Only problem our child is a special one has several issues needing surgery is weak and for the past two years its been a struggle with him, he n his family said I had thought negative stuff so baby got sick its my fault.

My father in law passed away so my husband took over family business n entire family's responsibility. Our family now has mother in law a divorced sis in law and two kids and me baby. My husband didn't consult me informed me that we would stay in joint family now since he couldn't leave his responsibilities. I said in the distant future I would like a seperate house he said no.

My sis in law controls the house the kitchen and all I have no objection since I'm busy and can do little work with my special child. I still do a decent share of cooking seeing the guests serving family etc. My sis in law contributes nothing financially saying she earns little but only spends on designer stuff for herself n children. My husband has to pay for the food, bills medicine for everyone, everything.

Now my sis in law has fallen in love and wants to marry leaving her kids both teenagers with us. Actually my mother in law opposes her marriage n so do her kids.

Meanwhile my husband has little or no time for me. Never takes me out or gives me separate time. Is always in the family room with his family where I have to sit with him just to be with him. Comes in our bedroom at 11:30pm daily n goes out again two to three times to check on everyone. Hardly gives me an hour of time, intimacy is a thing of the past because we are both so tired. He doesn't seem interested in me n usually doesn't have time. Everytime I object he takes the fight outside to his family having his mother scream at me n call me names.

He has several times asked me to take divorce n that he will keep our child (whose diaper he cannot stand) and doesn't include me in future plans only informs me calls me ungrateful, proud, bad wife generally, misbehaved if I say anything. Has recently started insulting me more n now my parents.

My main issue now is he says he cannot go against his mother in keeping his sisters children coz its his mothers house. I'm worried about the financial burden, he already has no time for me n now unofficially adopting two teenagers. I said I will not take this responsibility to cook clean for everyone he said there would b none on me but I know better.

I don't know how to make him understand that I exist and we have to focus on a family of our own. He doesn't think I need anything n when I ask him to buy me one just one dress in an entire year he stalls so he doesn't have to buy me one cheap dress. Never gets me gifts only takes them from my family.

I'm tired of being ignored I want to go to a counsellor but I'm scared he will get hyper put in his family n it'll just b wierd for me. Besides he doesn't feel our marriage has any problems except me,maybe or stuff I make up or am ungrateful for.

I was raised lavishly but I live below our means being very stingy still he calls me ungrateful. I cannot handle the constant fights he has with his mother n sister n then me. In fact fights with me are rare compared to his fights with his family I don't want to raise my child in this environment. And no we didn't know this environment before I got married to him.

I'm thinking of asking him to actually divorce me next time he threatens me. For now I don't know how to solve this problem.

Jzk Allah khair

Hadenough


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19 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,
    Dear Sister,

    Your husband is who he is. You can't change him.

    Yes, he is not conducting marriage in the sense it was meant to be practiced as per what you shared in your post--but, you also live in a society that thinks and behaves just like him.

    What kind of support do you have? What will he decide if he divorces you with respect to your son? There are so many things to consider.

    Your situation is very difficult and there is pain in staying married and there is pain in divorce--the question becomes which pain is greater and who will suffer the most--if you could share greater input on this matter, especially regarding your son, it would make it easier to advise.

    I am deeply sorry for the turmoil in your marriage--May Allah swt make this pain and suffering a bridge towards your peace and tranquility, Ameen.

  2. Assalam wa Alikum sister

    Because your father in law passed away, your husband did the right thing on taking the responsibility to support his mother, sister and her children since they have rights over him. However since your sister in law is getting married, her husband to be should be the one taking the responsibility to look after her teenagers and her financially ect after marriage and inshaaAllah this will happen because the husband should support his wife and her children.

    I think because of great financial difficulty of supporting all of you and the business, your husband is facing extreme financial hardship to even think right now about another home and that is why he said no. Imagine if he said yes but he cannot afford it, then you would be more upset and take it as a false promise.

    Your husband should not let his sister leave her children to stay with him when her husband to be can afford to look after them, if that is the case. You should ask your husband if he will provide for them after she's married. Can his future brother in law contribute? does he not have his own place?

    Although your husband is right supporting his family, he should also try harder to make time for you as you have rights over him too. He has to provide you with cloths and make sure your happy and he is neglecting this however I don't think you should think about divorce. Please try to communicate how lonely you feel in this marriage, that he does not make time for you. I really think it would be hard, you need a lot of patience but you both can work it through. He needs take you into consideration but that will only happen if you talk to him calmly and when you are both tiered. And pray to Allah to provide for his family and you, your husband and child, to strengthen your marriage and help your husband. InshaaAllah things would get better for you.

    Hope I help

    • I know he did the right thing but there are times he wants to go abroad but then he only talks about himself. He has the means in the future in sha Allah for a separate house because his mother plans to give his sister a house but she & her kids will still stay with us because my.mother in law wishes so. N my husband cannot say no to his mother in this regard!
      What annoys me the most is how easily he threatens me with divorce n keeping the child. I have never ever threatened him with divorce but he does because he thinks I have no where to go. My family didn't think my situation was bad till they saw how I live now n what status I have in my husbands life. Needless to say they are beyond disappointed. A family man does not take his wife for granted. His focus after his father died is only to b the good son n good brother n uncle do I have to wait for everyone to die for my turn?
      I've talked to him nicely, cried fought done everything for him to give me more attention but he always goes back to being the person he is, goes back to ignoring me till I throw another tantrum.

      In case u missed seeing this my sis in law has a job that pays enough plus she has property from.mother n fathers side plus her son is 18! Its not your average damsel in distress situation. Now the sister is law has decided to leave her kids n family n says send only minimal to cover her children studies. Food n medicine n bills will always be our responsibility,my husband is ok with this I'm not its not his Sharaee responsibility! My sister in law says she is tired of being her children's slave so she is getting married n cant take them with her she is moving to another country!
      I did not think about divorce he has threatened me one too many times now. He is a good father I give him that but I've almost ran out of patience to live with him only because of our child. Him having an insulting tone when he talks about my family is getting to me too. The one time I objected why he brought my mother into the argument his mother said your mother is not God that he cannot say anything about her!? :$. Its frustrating . I know I wont b able to adjust in this environment for long,one day I too will run away so I want to leave before I become insane or sick with depression or some other issue!
      For now I'm not worried about finance my family provides me with clothes n everything i need. I can get a job once my son gets better in sha Allah make a decent living in sha Allah.
      Jazak Allah khair

      • Sister ,

        You and your husband are not responsible for her sister's teenage children .Its either mother or real biological father are responsible .

        If she is leaving her kids alone it shows her commitment level to children .Some times people gets relaxed if others are there to take care .It should be clear that you are not going to take responsibilities of them ..

        His duty should be to to be good to his mom and take care of her and you as a wife and kid .As her sister is getting married so he is not responsible for his sister too now .

        I think you should go back to your parents house if this environment is too suffocative for you . I think you can take some decision after consulting with your parents .

  3. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

    Dear sister in Islam, really sorry to read about your situation 🙁

    SubhanAllah, it's one thing to be living in financial hardship, but even worse when your own closest partner is not giving you your rights in terms of time, love, and companionship.
    http://islamqa.info/en/10680

    However, saying that, as my respected sisters Saba, illogical, and (brother/sister?) babli pointed out above, try not to think of divorce as an option, not until all other means have been exhausted anyway. Divorce comes with it's own psychological pain and suffering, especially if you're a soft-hearted person. And remember, shaytaan loves nothing more than divorce and arguments between the couple, because it not only causes immediate problems within the family, but also the society at large. So shaytaan will try to make it an attractive option as time passes, and maybe even make you compare your husband to those whom Allah has blessed with more (but they are also tested in their own way).

    And although this may not apply to you, keep this always in mind: -

    It was narrated from Thawban that the Messenger of Allah (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said:

    "Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her."

    [Ibn Majah, Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhi - classes as Sahih by al-Albaani]

    Also keep in mind dear sister, that this life is temporary, and we all suffer through tests to see which of us is most patient and who really puts their trust in Allah and who is content and grateful to Allah, and who turns away from the remembrance of Allah...
    and Allah never burdens a soul more that it can bear, so the successful indeed are those who have most sabr and are still content and grateful in this temporary life of this dunya.

    The more you put your trust in Allah, and remain patient, the more Allah will bless you in the aakhira - so much in fact, that you will wish to come back to Earth to go through even more suffering!!

    Also remember dear sister, inshAllah walhamdulillah you have good health, a roof over your head, and food on the table, thus in the eyes of many millions of people, you are a very wealthy woman! 🙂

    http://islamqa.info/en/226717

    I'm sure you already tried, but as a reminder, try to speak to your husband in a loving and gentle manor, especially the days he might not work (jumu'ah?) and has a bit of free time. If that doesn't work over a period of time, then you could try sending him gentle reminders over emails/txt messages, especially subtle messages about Islam or an ayah, which softens his heart inshAllah.

    If nothing else works, and as sister "illogical" suggested, in the worst case especially when you can't take much more of the situation, then you could try to move back temporarily with your parents to see if you find relief. It would also give you time to clear your mind and think matters through, and also gives your husband time to reflect on the gravity of the situation and especially the help and comfort he found in you - i.e. inshAllah it might help to make him become grateful for having you as a wife?

    And may Allah subhanahu wa-ta'ala, al-musta'aan ul-ghani bless you with sabr, contentment, and make your husband and children the comfort of your eyes, and you of them, ameen ya-rabb!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  4. Assalam wa alikum sister

    No sister I did not miss the part that your sis in law has a job but you said this regarding her job, ‘My sis in law contributes nothing financially saying she earns little but only spends on designer stuff for herself n children’. I did not know about her having property from mother n fathers side, or that her son is 18. 18 is an adult so when you said children I thought you meant kids under 11. I suggest you try to talk to your husband about why he is allowing her to marry someone who don’t want to provide for her kids and if it is possible for his 18 nephew to get a job to provide for himself as your husband is having some financial difficulties, maybe his nephew would understand. It seems your husband cannot say no to his mother at all, and is unlikely that his sister would take responsibility to provide for her children. It seems your husband cares about his sister children enough to take that responsibility and sadly if he doesn't who would.

    I hope your son gets better Insha’Allah. Yes getting a job would help you have a decent living and Insha’Allah it would happen for you. Regarding the problems you are having between your husband and you please take ibnMuhammad advice and I hope it would help Insha'Allah.

    • Aoa
      Sorry I typed a complete reply before & it got erased.

      My husband is strange when it suits him he says I can work when it doesn't he says I can't. To pay off his debt he allows me to work but not otherwise.

      My parents want me to try for further study abroad and are willing to support all of us to settle with them but he objects to that too. He has no intention of us getting our life plans in action the ones we made before marriage and can still pursue . He wants to go back on everything because it doesn't suit him
      .

      A year ago he was willing to go abroad leaving me and our baby but his visa got rejected but when I want to try he says I don't want to stay away from my wife and child.

      I feel suffocated that he is going back on his promises when I say that to him he starts screaming and insulting me.

      Please don't tell me he is a good husband. He doesn't like sharing his food with me, again denied to buy me a dress even though he makes money only says he doesn't have money for my needs. Everyone else fights with him for money so he gives in I just say once or twice he always says he doesn't have money and I back off.

      To him in worth nothing more than a house help, my life can pass away washing his toilet and clothes. I do it all but I want him to think of me as worth more than just a house help.

      I've had enough and am doing istikhara to leave him I cannot be take for granted anymore and am tired of the constant house fights, its not easy living in a circus and having no say in my own life.

      The sister in law is adamant on leaving her kids and ny husband is ok with keeping them saying he cannot say no or leave them. Of course we would have arranged finance for them before we planned anything but he wants to be with them.physically till forever I guess. He doesn't let me do anything for our lives and I cannot carry on like this.

      I know in sha Allah everything will turn out for the best because Allah Swt has th best plan but maybe its time this marriage was over maybe that is the fate of this marriage after all.

      Jazakum Allah khair all.

      • Assalam wa Alikum sister

        Sorry for late reply. There is one thing I would like you to try, if you can get a relative to come and talk to him in your behalf as he may think its ok and easy to ignore your feelings, its very unlikely he would ignore that of your families his in laws, especially someone who is a guest.

        However if that don't work then ask Allah for guidance and maybe get him to see a marriage councillor or imam with you.

        • Ws sis, jazak Allah khair for the reply. May Allah SWT make our spouses and children coolness of our eyes.
          My parents talked to my husband and it wasn't pretty, it reached the point of divorce and my husband suddenly changed and agreed to all my demands and later on retracted his support. But I'm used to it now as a sister said he is who he is. He may not be completely wrong but there comes a point when a woman cannot adjust & cooperate anymore at the expense of her life. all is fine for now as I have given in once again for now for my son. I don't think seeing a counsellor will help because he will agree and then not change. Maybe he needs a different partner to understand and do for him as he wants because he says he wants what I want but his behaviour suggests otherwise. When I asked him why he agreed to my concerns he said coz of the divorce and now after the matter cooled down he doesn't agree again. Its sad that he did this ( according to him to save the marriage) but for me its breaking my trust for the umpteenth time.
          Oki in the end please make dua for my baby's health and recovery and for both us husband wife to find sakina whether it is in this marriage or not. I don't want to be resentful , to me its better to part ways instead of constantly hurting each other but he obviously doesn't seem to think that way.

          Br. Wael still waiting for the post details to be masked. Jazak Allah khair

          • Assalam wa Alikum

            jazak Allah khair for the reply and of cause I will make dua for you and your baby's health and recovery and your marriage to work and both of you to find Sakinah from closeness to Allah. Although both you and your husband are constantly fighting I am glad that you are expressing your pain in this marriage. If you both did not fight, that would have meant that both of you have given up trying.

            Sakinah (سكينة‎) is a word derived from sukun eaning "peace", "serenity" or "tranquility". It appears in the Qur'an.

            Sakinah is only found from nearness to Allah and everything in this life is a test; if a marriage doesn't work but the hardship brings you closer to Allah then Alhamdulillah and if it does work and it brings you closer to Allah then Alhamdulillah.

            The affliction and trials that befall a person may be for the following reasons:

            A- For wiping out his sins, as the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allah exalt his mention ) said: "No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that. Bukhari/Book 7/Volume 70/Hadith 545

            B- To elevate his rank and increase his rewards as it is the case when Allah afflicted His Prophets, may Allah exalt their mention. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allah exalt his mention ) said: "Those who face the toughest trials and hardships are the Prophets, then the most pious people and then those less than them (in terms of piety); a person continues to be afflicted until he walks on earth without having a sin (on his record of deeds).'' [Al-Bukhaari].

            Remember me in your dua and take care

  5. Aoa
    To the editors
    Can a post be deleted? People I've found go around digging up dirt on peoples personal lives and use it as fuel for argument on the forum. I find that very hurtful and don't wish that to happen again so can this post b deleted? I've tried from my account but nothing happened.
    Jazak Allah khair

  6. As Salam alai kum sister
    May Allah give you the most best rewards for your patience
    And sister never take a major step like divorce
    I am not judging you but sharing my experience
    My hubby Mis behaves I'll treats
    And beats me up when he gets angry
    Blames me for every thing
    I have two kids but never he takes care of them
    He always shut us out and stays in one room
    Never comes out
    He some times beat me up in front of my children abuses me verbally in front of them
    I have two kids one of age 4 and 20 m girl
    I am still with him because I really love him the most
    And waiting for the day that Allah almighty will change his mind
    He is a Muslim too but has no fear of Allah almighty
    May Allah grant him
    It's very sad to say about my husband but
    May you all pray for me that my husband become good
    Towards me
    My son was born prematurely and had many issues
    He blamed me for everything the reason was also him
    He use to abuse me verbally thinking and crying made me so depressed in my pregnancy that I gave birth him early
    Now I have daughter after her pregnancy I became fat because of that he daily taunts me
    That I'm unfit unworthy this make my heart so depressed
    But still I'm there for him because I love him
    And asking for sabar to Allah almighty, one day he might change
    Plz keep me in your prayers sister ameen

    • Ruby, I'm sorry but this is terrible advice. A woman should not stay with an abusive man. Divorce is permitted in Islam, and if any situation calls for divorce it is yours. You should have divorced your husband long ago, if not for your own sake then for your children. What do you think your son is learning about being a man by seeing you abused every day? Will he grow up to become an abuser like his father? And what will your daughter learn? Will she grow up to passively accept abuse as you do?

      You describe a man who treats you badly, beats you in front of the children, does not love the children, and is shut off, then you say you love him? That is not love sister. You have some sort of unhealthy psychological attachment to him, but it's not love, and he does not love you.

      You say you are waiting for Allah to change him. The world does not work that way. Allah created us with free will. The only person you can control is yourself. If you want a change, you must make the change in your own life.

      So sister Ruby, if you want to remain in an abusive situation where you are permanently depressed, that is your business. But don't come on this website and try to convince other women to make your mistake and suffer as you do. You're not helping anyone with such advice.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • See might be your a brother or sister u can't advice me like that
        And I am not advicing sister any thing related to divorce
        If divorce is the only way than y getting married
        And for your knowledge i am well educated I'm an soft ware engineer
        And also work in good company
        I don't have any physcological attachment as u said
        I can make my own decisions
        And for your kind information
        There are many ways to solve the sisters problem
        There are more women in India and Pakistan who goes through this on regular basis
        That means are every one divorced
        And next thing when Islam can bring change in human y can't my husband
        He will I have faith in Allah
        That day will be soon here
        And as far as my kids they are in good deen alhamdulliah
        And they will be good as mother is good teacher
        And so I am
        I need not need your advice calling me as something
        I am giving advice to sister that she can sort out in different manner can keep in Jamaat to or she can keep Islamic gava and keep her situation

        • In India and Pakistan your saying, many woman stay with abusive husband and they don't get divorced. So, it's okay to stay in abusive marriage? This is what your children will learn that it's a man dominating country and they can hit and curse a women- respect is not such a thing. You come from a 3rd world mentality, your advice is not Islamic. Don't come to this website telling women to stay in abusive marriage. Allah does not want people to suffer. He made divorce halal.

          • Agree with Tami. I'm from Pakistan and it's about time that women stand up for themselves instead of accepting the status quo.

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