Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Help.. My husband is a paraplegic and a heroin addict

Heroin addict

Heroin addict

Salaam all..wer do I start! I wil try an write most things but still won't be enuf!..well I am 29 an dis is my 2nd marriage first was arranged dis one was love. I was 16 wen my parents married me off to my step cousin but didn't work he was too possesive an I was young an naive..

Anyway I met my husband now who is also my cousin but hadn't seen him for years, I fell in love very quick coz I jus wanted some1 to love me an me too love and it seemed perfect I didn't care bout da whellchair and I didn't mo how bad da drug addiction was..my parents wernt happy..

anyway as soon as we married I fort wot da hel have I done!! His bros smoke heroin too so all 3 of dem used to sit in our room day an nite smoking well I was jus wandering bout in da house cooking an dat used to sleep most nites on sofa he used to swear at me no physical relationship or nafink at all! Anyway dat went on for 3 years den we move an he got clean! I fort Allah has answered my prayer as I pray 5 times..after 2 years of bin clean we went for ivf allhumdulliah I got pregnant 5 months into it I caught him smokin!!! My world came tumbling down!!

He sed he relapsed but I was in shock I sed I have to fink bout me he carried on till baby was 1 we always argued lived our own life no relationship soo many debts house was freehold coz he got compensation an house was just left he'd smoked away tousands an thousands of pounds..he started to sell from da house my gold tvs systems anyfing he could den 1 day I had to do somefink.

I left went homless an allhumdulliah got a nice little flat I was hoping dis wil wake him up..for 3 months we separated he called tx came to see baby an seemed differnt sed he wants us doesn't want to live like dis his gna change an show me negative results so I sed ok allhudulliah so on little eid I wnt home to stay to see how things go an dey wer good so I stayed..our house was selling at da time to pay if 50grand debts so we sold he put money in my account an we came to my flat to wait for our new house to go trough..and now after bin in da flat for a month waitn for da house his smoking!!! It wad lies he was smokin all long.

So now his always asking for money which is for da house so I say no wiv jus got enuff for da house..so o end up givein some coz he does my head in! Every day his satin put my money bak I regret Putin in ur account an says evil fings to me..I mo he tried but I can't take it no more bin 8 years of dis!! I keep finking it's gota get better my daugther is close to hom his a good dad an person but dis evil drug takes over..I jus want peace..I sed to him of ur gona touch dat money we can't get dat house den wots da poin den jus take half an give me half..he sed I dnt want us to split I jus want sum money in my account..but I no it's for drugs!!

Plz some1 advice me do I carry on for my babys sake an pray he gets better or do I give hom his money and dats it I'm soo confused it's physically affecting me....plz allah guide me..

- patarngal

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22 Responses »

  1. Sister, my answer has nothing to do with the fact that your husband is disabled. My answer is based on the fact that he is a heroin addict, selling your personal property to get money for drugs, has now sold the house and wants the money for drugs... he is selling both of your lives away, and shooting everything into his veins.

    You must think of your child. Divorce this man and move on with your life. Make a better life for yourself and your daughter.

    I have never used drugs, but I have known addicts in the past. There is no talking to them, no reasoning, no hoping for a change. They are possessed. Only Allah can save them, and only if they have the will to change.

    Loyalty is a great quality, but you cannot remain loyal to someone who is not loyal to you. He is loyal only to his habit. He has made a choice, over and over again. One day he might OD on the drug - that's what happens to most heroin addicts in the end. It's best to get out before that happens, to protect your daughter.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. salam sis
    i felt sad listening toyour story
    i dnt knw wht to suggest coz ur husband is a drug addict if i use my common sense i would say leave him
    and focus on ur child coz she shuld have a gud future
    bt if i think in th point of view of a wife i think u shuld help ur hubby cum out of addiction of drugs as there r many centres who help them get out of addictions
    May Allah show u the right path

    • As salamu alaykum, Sam,

      Please let me disagree with you in one point, she is wife, mother and woman, he has been lying to her once and again, he was like that before they married, he has been like that until now, he is asking for more money not for help, being a mother you know when you and your child are at risk,...the baby has only her mother to take care of her, to look for her, and she needs all her strength to build up a new life for her and her baby, having him around will drain her until she has no more money and no more energy, sure would you stand at the side of a man like that, that is risking your child´s shelter and food?, this is a surviving question and she is not alone, she has a baby dependant on her.

      In this situation, I only see black or white, greys here will cost very expensive to the short and long term, I believe.

      He is a grown up man, he is taking his own decisions, he is not taking into account their lifes, just to get some benefit, he won´t change by words, listen to Wael, please.

      Allah (swt)knows best.

      All my unconditional Love and Respect,

      María

      • dear Maria
        salam
        i knw wht ur saying is right bt i think he shuld b helped not financially bt through sending him to centres which remove him from addiction of drugs
        as i hav stated b4i i wuld ask her 2 leave if i use brain bt if i think through the point of view of islam i am a married women i cant suggest other women to leave her husband coz if it is wrong my nikah would become invalid according to shariah
        jazakallah

        • Walaykum as salam, Sam

          She is the one to take decisions, none of us has all the Truth, and you are being loyal to what you believe is the Truth, I respect that, what I say it is just my opinion and my bit of the Truth too, anyway I would respect if anyone thinks I am wrong too.

          I will try to explain to you what I mean, we are agree I suppose that he is an adult, he is supposed to be in his right to take his own decisions, and I haven´t listened anywhere that he wants help to get out of that dwell, or that he wants to go to any rehabilitation place, then the point here is that he wants to stay as he is and the worst of all it is that he is asking for money and being rude to her if he doesn´t give it to him.

          She said she has been for eight years going through this, she still has strength to ask for help, Alhamdulillah, what would she wait for, till she has no money for her and the baby, who is going to look after them then, when he use more than evil words, I think everything has a limit, and going a bit further, I don´t know there, but here if the husband has debts and he doesn´t pay for them this goes directly to the wife, would you go through this knowing it?would you trust him knowing what he has done before.? would you put your children under this situation?

          I´ve read many times here that divorce is alloud when there is good reasons for it, wouldn´t be this one of those reasons? do you think he is accomplishing his task as husband and father?

          Allah(swt) knows best.

          All my unconditional Love and Respect,

          María

          • salam sis Maria
            Yaa u r right Maria hez nowhere right but i suggested her so that he could be brought out of the addiction its impossible i knw bt if u elaborate impossible it says
            "I'M possible
            hez not a good father not a gud husband i understand hez not worth trust nor respect
            it was jst my point of view
            you r also right on ur part
            Allah knws the best

  3. Dear sister, your post gave me some food for thought.. I pray that Allah swt helps you through this. Sister, I dont mean to echo what theyve said but I agree with Wael and Maria, this has continued for too long. You must leave, be strong and dont fall for his promises that hes changed for your daughters sake. Turn to Allah and ask Him to make it easy for you.

  4. Salaam My Sister,

    I am sorry that you are having to experience this. I agree with Wael.

    There are two responses to an addict: 1.) enabling the addict 2.) disabling the addict. To enable the addict is to provide them with an image that protects them from being known as an addict and recognising themselves as an addict, to give them money, to give food, shelter and so on and so forth. To disable the addict you must stop those things and the addict needs to seek help and go to rehab (although with heroin this is very very hard, but possible).

    The support that you are giving you husband is actually enabling him to continue on in his addiction, The kindest thing you can do for him is to cut him off from that support, because the sad truth is that serious addicts need to hit rock bottom before they seek help. Rock bottom means different things to different people, but he will not recover whilst you finance him and feed him.

    This is very painful what you are going through - however absolutely the necessary course of action is to remove yourself and your child from the environment and let him take the fall for what he is doing, leave the debts and the bills - everything. He needs to deal with the breakdown of his life, and he needs to take the action to make it better. InshaAllah he will do that, but this drug is a very powerful drug - more powerful than him at the moment, and certainly more powerful than anything you can do.

    If he wants to get help, he will need to go and see a doctor who will put him on a methodone programme or 12-step programme to try and wean him off the drugs, He will need counsellors and doctors, he will have to cope with the withdrawal (hallucinations, physical pain, desperation).

    What you must understand more than anything else is that by helping him with money, family, shelter and so on, you are actually facilitating his habit. My advice to you is to remove your support from his life - it is the only chance you have for opening his eyes.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  5. There will be nothing for but misery, divorce and move on, don't let anything come in the way of acquiring a divorce. He will destroy you, get out and don't look back.

  6. Salaam everyone! Thanx alot for taking your time out and sharing your thouhghts with me been a great help...let me update u all...I have left my husband been bout 3 months...it's been very hard as my daughter was very close to him..he was a good dad to her regardless everyfing.... His basically living in hotels and sometimes at his brothers flat....he is begging me everyday to tale him back crying and apologising even hurt himself. But Allah has given me this strength that I'm not falling for it anymore, I said if there is the slightest chance we get bak is if you go rehab for about 6 months come out clean and continue with group meetings and all that. So now he is on the waiting list to go rehab! He is on the supervised methodone programme, and seems very determined I haven't ever seen h so determined, he says it's killing hi inside for what his done to me and can't live without us and is going to spend da rest of his life making it up to me. I think he has hit rock bottom coz if Neva seen him cry in front of me in beg for help am forgiveness...he can see his loosing me now after all these years coz he can see how cold I've become with him iv Neva been like this with him..
    First I was sayin no that's it it's over then I thought he is my husband and he has got a very big heart and is a good person without drugs that's why I fell for him..and he is father of my daughter..so I said ok do all that and wil see..so now jus waitn for him to go rehab and inshallah he wil complete it..and we can b family again..I'm not putin all my hopes init but I pray for whatever happens happens for the best..he wil b doing the 12 step programme and also secondary,I cam see he really wants it now, and he has no support from his family coz his relised what I always said that they didn't want us together especially his mum so he has no contact with them at all, so basially jus has me and our baby so ad a wife I am supporting him but only when his clean we wil b a family...Allah knows best. I wil keep u all updated inshallah.

    • Wa alaykum as salam Zara khan,

      Good to know about you and your family, Alhamdulillah ... keep straight, certainly you are doing the best for your family, Alhamdulillah. May Allah(swt) guide us with every step to the Straight Path.

      All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

      María

  7. Thanx maria..remember me in your duas I feel I need to give him this last chance..especially for my daughters sake, as I said this is my 2nd marriage and my last coz I can not bring another man into my daughters life..and if my husband does complete rehab and stay clean then allhumdulliah, then inshallah I know we wil be happy coz he is a good person, if not I will dedicate my life to my daughter, and I have been through alot an I belive Allah has a plan for me a good 1 inshallah... Allah knows best.

    • Salaams Zara khan,

      I will, insha´Allah. Go step by step, insha´Allah, you are doing your best, Alhamdulillah. All of you are in Allah´s Hands, Alhamdulillah. Barak Allah Feekum.

      All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

      María

  8. Salaam all..it's me again to give a update I think it's been bout a year, well my husband went to rehab for 3 months in the first 2 weeks after detox he got kicked out coz he admitted to some one he took drugs in an first 2 days was using, kicked him out gave him condition to stay clean for 2 weeks an they wil take him bak to complete so he did an went bak...completed it all came out clean for 3 days then I notices changes and guess wot he was bak on it!!! Day by day got worse I told him to go he went after a month said his gna clean up den come bak...well after bout 2 mths he called sed his been in detox and was begging me to take him bak an his realised can't live without us and was going to get n implant which blocks the opiates so for da sake of my daughter and coz I really want us to work gave him another chance stayed clean for week got implant I was so happy we was happy things were good daughter was happy she's close with her dad, well then the implant had bad affect on his health causin spasms in his stomach and legs so had that taken out thru little op an te day he came out of hospital he was back on drugs!!!.an been 3 weeks his getting worse!!! I don't know anymore!..I'm just numb now wot do I do!..my daughter loves him soo much an he is good with her..but I'm diein inside feel so let down an miserable n lonely!..don't wana b on my own but can't live like this!..his stil sayin his goin to try harder an jus feels depressed coz he can't walk!..an needs to deal with that issue first!..but I can't keep going they this...an this is jus a quarter of the story I have cut out a lot!..to make it short!
    I would appreciate some advice please..I pray an pray but for some reason this is happening maybe Allah is tryin to tel me somefink?..or maybe my test isn't over?..or I don't no wot to think!..

    • Assalamualikum

      wht is the latest news.
      wht he is doing now?
      pls let me know this.
      i m also the same sufferer.

    • Assalamualikum

      Plz do the amal as per the following link.
      Insallah it will help u.

      (Website address removed by Editor)

      • Sarah, Asalaamualaykum,

        I have removed the website address you posted here as the information is not authentic. It is always good to do dhikr and recite Quran, but there is no evidence from the Quran or Sunnah to recite the ayahs/Names of Allah a certain number of times as stated in that website. If you find any authentic information, you are most welcome to post it here insha'Allah.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Alhamdulillah sister, I was waiting for the approval of this comment to say the same thing (I'd seen this comment in the pending comments' list. I usually go there to check if I have replies to my comments, as I have stopped getting email notifications for follow-up comments due to some block 🙁 )

          This type of dhikr is common in the Indian sub-continent. People who claim to be scholars misguide the commons who are ignorant, using these. And I was surprised to hear the extent of use of the names of Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala in a manner unapproved by Islam. For whatever reason, I do not feel the necessity to mention those.

          Sister Sarah, any act of Worship including dhikr is to be done, only if approved by the Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam or after we get an evidence from the Qur'aan and the Sunnah. There is an ocean of adhkaar available, due to which, any form of new addition or innovation is totally uncalled for. It is a misguidance, and every misguidance is in the Hell fire. And before you follow any website or any person, please research about it's/his conduct and 'Aqeedah. Certainly, Allah is Exalted and His Names are Pure.

          JazaakumAllahu Khair (جزاكما الله خير)
          Muhammad Waseem

  9. Salam all..
    I am not with him anymore, his gone too far with the addiction he did try but obviously not hard enough, his health is also deteriorating. I haven't divorced him I don't know why but I'm finding it hard to do that because of my daughter and also my 2nd marriage..but wil Neva get back with him his causes tOo much damaged to me mentally, I'm just lost at the moment Iv got no confidence I'm 31 single mum and 2nd marriage, but what's keepinge goin is praying I find so much peace init and I have a good cry and talk with Allah, I know Allah does everything for a reason but it is hard to accept its over, I can never see myself gettingarried again as I have my daughter to think about but inshallah I'm working on myself building my confidence and start a career and just keep busy. The saddest thing is he doesn't think his done anything wrong..for 9 years I cared for him done everything for him without any love in return but I know Allah has seen it all and inshallah I wil be rewarded one day. It feels like I'm starting my life again from scratch and is scary on my own but I have faith in Allah and ask for guidance and strength everyday...no1 can change unless they really really want to and obviously I wasn't enough for him his to depressed over the loss of his legs that he couldn't see anything else.
    Please everyone remember me and my daughter in ur duas..
    Any comments or advise would be appreciated.

  10. Sister I'm in the same boat, I'm 23 to 2 babies,
    Exactly the same married and divorced at 16
    Fell in love, married again, had kids
    Done the whole running around getting him clean, implants, rehab, counselling, locking him in a bedroom to get him clean.
    His come out ov prison recently after last ramadan.
    I have started my own career, pay 4 everything, very independent.
    But I'm sad a lot because I always wanted a happy life or imagined life with my husband till o e of us dies.
    My daughter cries 4 him, but I hate him because he has hurt me and mostly my babies, he says his clean, but y is he hanging around with a drugg addict of 23yrs??
    I'm sick I'm tired, ALLAH has kept me alive n well, and inshallah one day I can have a husband again.
    But right now it's about me and these precious baby's ALLAH has blessed me with, bcoz without them I know I wouldn't be here.

    I'm going to start divorce procedure nor cause I want to be free of of any right he has over me. Because well and truly he never loved me more than drugs.

  11. Salam sister ahmad..dats sad to hear I know exactly how u feel!!..all sounds the same an it is sad because there's kids involved. My daughter is also close to her dad but they don't need a dad around like that an all that tension in the house.
    I tried for 9 years done everything but If they don't want to get clean they won't. And if his stil hanging around with a druggy friend his not clean!..that's same as my husband he stil had the same friends!..
    Yes the children r our strength and we have to be strong for them..
    I'm also starting my career it's jus bout me an my daughter now inshallah..Allah knows best. I haven't started the divorce procedures yet I dnt know y to b honest I think I just didn't want to be divorced yet but after everything he stil tx me swearing and puttin me down so inshallah next week I'm starting the procedure..I wanted that happy marriage an all that every girl does..but mayb it's not meant to b for me I'm 31 now but u r still young I pray inshallah u find some1 u deserve an will make u an the kids happy.and wil appreciate u..our husbands r jus living for drugs not us or the kids.
    I pray Allah makes it easy for..and for me.
    Take care and stay strong.x

  12. Salam everyone, I thought il give you all a update on my life and some advice please..
    Allah has given me the strength not to take back my husband, after Iv made that decision he has become very bitter towards me and it really hurts coz p everything Iv done for him I literally was his carer but I know Allah has seen it all so inshallah Allah will reward he knows what I went thru he knows what I scarafised, but it stil hurts when my husband swears at me and says"what did u do for me"?? But at the same time he wants to ey back together??!..and yes his still On drugs...
    I always said I will never get married as this was my second marriage and also I have a 3 year old daughter, I was completely against it I was put off.. But now I randomly met someone we meet thru some work I did, i didn't give him my number the place I was working at was his mums so he got it from there..this was about year ago, but 6 months later he tx me and we jus started txin as friends talkin about life in general his been divorced and has a daughter I found that we have a lot in common, he has mentioned marriage to me but Iv told him I can't I'm too scared and also feel bad for my daughter as she's close to her dad, an also I feel sorry for my husband, we haven't divorced yet coz when I mention it he threatens me and I Amy b bothered with the arguing, but anyway Iv got to know this guy by phone and he seems really nice I never knew there was men like that out there??..it feels weird some1 asking me how I am and want to know things about me?..coz in my marriage was only about my husband his health and problems I was jus goin along with jus helping him.
    But anyway I am getting feelings for this guy and I don't want to commit sin by dating and all of that he lives 4 hours away which is good so we don't meet up..
    I feel a connection between us his so easy going, prays and is a respectful person, and has made me feel so much better about myself and about life allhumdullaih his givin me my confidence back and allhumdullaih I do feel happy..but when I think about marriage it really really scares me!..Iv been married 2 times now!..and I have my daughter to think about..what if it doesn't work out??..I don't know but is it bad of me to even consider getting married again?...I can be on my own for the rest of my life..but it does get lonely sometimes..then I think is this part of allahs plan for me?..did he make us cross paths for a reason?,.i really am confused...Iv told that guy 3 times now I'm not ready to get married don't know if I ever will be...so I dnt really keep in contact that much but I've been thinking about him...
    Can any1 advise me...I can't believ in this situation!..when I married my husband I thought this isit my life I dedicated it to looking after him helping him ..even thought he gave me nothin in return I done it for the sake of Allah, but when I had my girl and he got worse I put her first, i thought i can suffer but I'm not gona let her suffer...and now this!!..

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